Being Not Good: as opposed to being bad

by Elizabeth Stevens

  Davin caught my arm gently and spun me to face him, then drew me closer.

  “We’re not counting this as anything close to a date, but I’ve got a lesson for you.”

  I beamed. “Yeah?”

  “Enough with the constant chatter, yeah?”

  I blinked. “In what way?”

  “In the way that you are constantly on. You’re babbling about something as trivial as baking brownies for…a bunch of teenagers who I can promise you will love them but think you’re insane to be bringing them.”

  My head tipped sort of sideways and he sighed.

  “Look. Have you noticed those moments when I’m sitting quietly doing nothing?” he asked and I nodded. “Right. And have you noticed that other people can manage to get through more than ten minutes without blurting out the first thing that pops into their heads?” I nodded again. “Okay. So maybe just think about giving that a go.”

  “Not talking?”

  “Not not talking. Just some quiet time. Reflection time.”

  I thought about it. “You mean like on the beach that time where we just sat and watched the water?”

  He nodded. “Like that. Did you hate that?”

  Usually I hated the quiet, it felt like something was missing. But that hadn’t. That had felt…nice. “No. It was nice. Weird, but nice.”

  He nodded again as he ran his hand up my side. “Okay.”

  “And that will make me less stupid?” I asked.

  His brows furrowed for a moment. “You’re quite capable of deeper thought, Avery. You just need to be less busy and let yourself.”

  “Huh,” I breathed. “I guess I could give it a try. Quiet’s just always so…”

  “Quiet?” he finished and I nodded. “Yeah. It’s supposed to be.”

  I wrapped my arms around his neck, finding him sitting on the table to be a much more convenient height, and told him, “I’ll think about it.”

  “Of course you will,” he replied.

  Then he kissed me until the bell for lesson three went. And even then we were a little late for class.

  ****

  I gave a cursory stretch as I jogged down the stairs later that afternoon and saw Ebony coming out of the kitchen with a bowl of cereal.

  “What are you doing?” she snorted as she looked me over.

  “Going for a run.”

  She nodded knowingly. “Ah. Is it that time of the month where we pretend we’re a healthy specimen of humanity?” she asked as she shovelled a spoonful of Milo cereal into her mouth, showing me exactly what she thought of my plan.

  “I’m not a completely…unhealthy specimen of humanity…” I said indignantly.

  Ebony shrugged. “No. I s’pose not. Is this because of a boy?”

  “No it’s not because of a boy. I just feel…twitchy.” As though it emphasised or proved my words, my feet decided on a stationary jog.

  “Well I can’t tell you to give up the caffeine…” She looked me over like she’d be quite happy to point out every one of my flaws.

  But I already had someone to do that for me. I didn’t need my little sister jumping on the bandwagon as well. And thinking of Davin reminded me of a good way to distract Ebony.

  I frowned at her. “Don’t you have a book to read?”

  Her frown somewhat brightened and I was reminded that she’d actually smiled at Davin the night before. “So I do,” she said as she made her way up the stairs passed me. “Thank your boyfriend for me.”

  “What? No ridiculous commentary on the idiocy of my social experiment?” I teased her and she threw a wide grin back at me.

  “Nah. I kinda like him.” She scoffed. “He’s so not your type. But somehow you two work…” She frowned in confusion, then shrugged and her and her cereal disappeared up the stairs.

  I again rethought the whole my family liking Davin thing. Was my so-called teenage mistake not going to be a mistake after all?

  I put my music on and headed out the door, starting out slow but then working my way up to a jog. As I felt my feet hit the pavement I relived the night before. It had gone surprisingly well considering I’d invited the school loner over for dinner with my parents.

  Davin was the complete opposite of Miles. When Miles had met my parents he’d been full of warm smiles and nothing but compliments for the entirety of the night. He’d won them over with his effortless charm and both my parents had loved him from the moment he walked in the door.

  Davin hadn’t had that effect on my parents at all. I’d watched Mum’s cautious interest through her excited exterior. I’d seen how unimpressed Dad had been when I’d walked into the room. But then Davin had opened his mouth and had won Dad over with more than just pretty words and an ability to say ‘sir’. Davin had won him over with intelligence and nothing but his less than enthusiastic self.

  To hear Dad go on about him, you’d think Davin was the smartest person he’d ever met. Knowing Dad, it was just the contradiction of Davin’s outsides to Davin’s brain. But there was still something weirdly exciting about the fact that my boyfriend had shown my father probably far less respect than he should have and yet Dad hadn’t stopped talking about him.

  Although, as great as that was for our continued relationship, I wasn’t sure how conducive that was to the mission. I was debating again if it a good thing or a bad thing that my parents had warmed to him so quickly. And Ebony? I was pretty sure she idolised him. I was pretty sure she’d decided she was going to be Davin when she grew up. One look at her face while he was talking about sexual…something, something in those books had been enough to tell me that.

  I slowed to a stop as I wondered if this was me doing it again.

  Was this me focussing on those ridiculously trivial things instead of having quiet time? Was running even supposed to be quiet time? Runners in movies always went on about how calming it was, how it was the time they cleared their heads.

  Part of me was somewhat inclined to think that clearing my head would be further proof of my idiocy to the wider population. But this was the bad boy’s guide to being not good, after all. If Davin thought I could do with some quiet time, then I was going to give it a shot.

  I turned my music down so it wasn’t blasting in my ears and took a deep breath. The streets were relatively quiet outside the soft tones of the song. There was a lawn mower running nearby and a door closing. But otherwise it was your typical street in the eastern suburbs of Adelaide with very few people around on a Wednesday afternoon in early March.

  “Are you all right, dear?”

  I looked around and saw an older woman getting into her car in the driveway I’d stopped in front of. I smiled at her

  “Yes. Fine. Sorry.”

  She smiled back at me, but it did look a little bit like she was worried about my sanity. I gave her a friendly wave and jogged off, trying out this new quiet time idea.

  Trying not to think of anything was quite possibly the worst way to not think of something. Snippets of random bits of thought floated into my head one after the other as I tried to shut them out.

  What was an idea for the formal theme that hadn’t been done to death in every movie, book or TV show in history?

  Was it really stupid to make brownies for Davin’s friends?

  Would Davin and I go to the formal together?

  Did Miles ever regret dumping me for Cindy? For that matter, did he ever regret cheating on me in the first place?

  What was Davin like in bed? Like in bed…

  Should I ask him about actually helping me with Maths if he was so into it? God knew I could use the help.

  I should probably call Blair and ask her–

  I came to a thundering stop as I realised it wasn’t working. My brain had zero interest in quiet time. I put my hands on my hips and took a deep breath.

  “Quiet time. I can do quiet time,” I said to myself. “Quiet time’s not that hard, surely. You’re turning into Davin �
�� talking to people who aren’t there…”

  I took another breath and tried to find that feeling I’d had on the beach beside Davin.

  I hadn’t thought much of it at the time, but that had been an oddly thought-free, calm moment. I closed my eyes for a second and thought back to that date, trying not to get caught up in the making out portion of that date.

  Because Davin kissed like…

  I wrenched my eyes opened and tried again.

  As I kept running, I breathed deeply and tried to focus on the feeling of sitting with him on the beach and just watching the waves tumble in and out along the sand. I remembered the slight breeze on my face, the smell of the salty air and I felt my heart rate evening out as well as it could mid-exercise.

  And my brain just…stopped.

  Not literally, obviously. Or I would have fallen flat on my face for a pavement facial.

  But my mind quieted and the only thing that ran through it was the song in my ears, the thud of my feet on the footpath, and the rhythm of my breathing. And it was…peaceful.

  I wasn’t sure how it was supposed to make me seem less stupid to everyone else, but I did like it. I usually felt more antsy when I wasn’t keeping busy, but this was nothing like that at all. It was absolutely…

  Oh…I’d ruined it.

  I slowed and took a deep breath, figuring I had plenty of time to practise.

  Fourteen: Davin

  I couldn’t believe Avery had talked me into taking her to Vinny’s. And for his birthday no less, which meant it was going to be big and busy and loud. Well big and busy and loud compared to our usual. Still that might let us melt a little into obscurity.

  Vinny couldn’t wait to meet her because he was under the misguided assumption that he could steal Avery away from me. Zac and Nate were just looking forward to meeting the girl that had finally made me settle down – like I was some guy in his mid-thirties who’d spent years whoring around and had finally met my match or some bullshit. And I’d avoided listening to anything Lara had had to say on the matter.

  I’d organised with Nate to pick me and then Avery up. Which was potentially a terrible idea in hindsight. But by the time we were both walking up her front path, it was far too late to do anything about it and hindsight could fucking bite me.

  I rang Avery’s doorbell and threw one more look at Nate, warning him to behave himself. “I don’t know why you didn’t stay in the car,” I muttered.

  “Davin!” Phil cried as he opened the door. “How are you?”

  I nodded. “Fine. Thanks.”

  “What did you end up choosing?”

  For a moment I forgot what he was talking about. “Uh…I took the easy route and went with Bleak House.”

  Phil nodded as he stepped aside to let us in. “Excellent choice. This is Nate?”

  I pointed at my cousin. “It is. Nate, Avery’s dad Phil. Phil, my cousin Nate.”

  Phil stuck his hand out, “Nice to meet you, Nate,” and Nate shook it.

  “You too,” Nate said and I wasn’t sure if he was trying his damnedest not to laugh in the face of the farce I’d fallen into or if he was legitimately surprised at how nice Phil was being.

  “Sorry. Sorry!” I heard Avery say and looked up to see her basically skipping down the stairs. “I’m here and I’m ready.” She grinned at Nate. “Hi.”

  Avery had put on this pink pleated skirt with a cropped, ribbed white singlet that was, for her, reserved but was still going to make her stand out among Nate’s friends. Don’t get me wrong, I was all for her being herself, and the easy access didn’t hurt either. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a little apprehensive about introducing Avery to everyone. Or about everyone meeting Avery. I wasn’t sure if I was worried they’d corrupt her or she’d corrupt them.

  Based on the look on Nate’s face, it was going to be the latter. I elbowed him and he cleared his throat.

  “Uh, hi.”

  “Thanks for picking me up.”

  He shook his head. “No worries at all. You ready?”

  She nodded and grabbed a bag from next to the hall table. “All good to go.”

  I held my hand out expectantly and she passed me her bag with one of those wry smiles.

  “I’ll drop her back tomorrow, Phil,” I said with a nod to him.

  “Sounds good. You lot have a good night.”

  “We will. Night, Dad!” Avery sang as she picked another smaller bag off the table and headed outside.

  “Night, then,” I said.

  “Night, boys,” Phil called and shut the door behind us.

  “So…he just lets you take his daughter, knowing full well she’s staying over at your place tonight?” Nate hissed at me as we followed Avery to the car.

  “Yep.”

  “And he just let her stay over last weekend even though they knew Uncle Don wasn’t home?”

  “Yep.” I nodded. “Convenient, huh?” I ask you.

  “Wow. And where do I find myself one of these manic pixie dream girls?” Nate asked as we came up to Avery at the car.

  “Fuck off,” I muttered. “We are not doing that, okay?”

  I was going to have to admit – only in the privacy of my own mind – that I was fairly stereotypical Byronic. But Avery wasn’t just some manic pixie dream joke. For starters, she wasn’t teaching me jack shit. I was not going to learn to embrace life or its infinite mysteries or adventures. I would rather relive my mother’s final moments than accept that Avery St John was just another manic pixie dream girl with zero added depth.

  “Dav?” Nate nudged me. “You right?”

  I cleared my throat. “Sure.” Because starting out the night you introduce your insanely optimistic girlfriend to your cousin’s rather more pessimistic friends by thinking of your mother’s death was the perfect plan by any stretch of the imagination.

  Nate unlocked the car and I put Avery and her bag in the backseat. And as soon as Nate and I had our doors closed, she was talking and it was obvious that my free lesson hadn’t sunk in.

  “So, whose party are we going to?” she asked, her voice more chipper and happy than I thought I’d heard it in a while.

  Surely she wasn’t actually that excited about going to this party? Why the hell would she be so excited about this? Unless of course she was forcing it to cover anxiety?

  I almost turned to check on her.

  “It’s Vinny’s birthday,” Nate told her when I didn’t reply.

  “Did he go to Mitchell, too? Was he in your year?”

  I felt Nate throw me a look, but I stared stoically out the window and pretended that the current events weren’t happening.

  “He was,” Nate said.

  “You were…two years ahead of us?”

  “Naw,” Nate cooed and I heard Avery giggle. “You remember me?”

  “Sort of. I don’t think we ever talked or anything.”

  I tuned out to whatever they insisted on talking about as we drove to Vinny’s dad’s place – the dad who felt guilty for leaving his mum so Vinny got free reign there. When we got there, we left Avery’s bigger bag in the car and I took her hand possessively as we walked to the front door, which was weirdly out of character on my part. The music was already audible from the street. It wasn’t vibrating us out of our skin or anything, but I knew it would be pretty difficult to hold a conversation at a normal timbre once we got inside.

  Nate opened the door and Avery looked at me in surprise.

  “Oh, yeah,” I said lazily as I kept a firm grip on her hand. “Degenerates don’t lock their doors.”

  She looked around as though it was new to her. I found that very hard to believe. But then maybe the cool kids just sat around and played Scrabble at their parties or something.

  “It’s the same,” she said, almost like she was disappointed.

  “There you go.”

  “What?”

  “Nothing,” I told her as we headed d
own the hallway.

  “Hi, Mr Duncan,” Nate called as we passed the sitting room.

  Vinny’s dad looked over at us with a smile. “Hi, boys. Head on through. You know the drill.”

  Nate nodded like he was an awful lot cooler than he actually was and we continued on down the hall until we got to the back room where all of Vinny’s parties were held.

  “Nathan!” Vinny called as he saw us and started threading his was through the people.

  By all accounts, it wasn’t his biggest party. But he liked to keep everyone as squashed into one room as possible, with any overflow heading outside, so it felt in his words cosier. I gagged every time I thought about it.

  “Vincent!” Nate called back as Vinny met up with us and they hugged.

  After Nate finally let him go, Vinny turned to us and gave Avery the cockiest half-smile I’d ever seen on the little fucker’s face.

  “And this must be the gorgeous Avery,” he said and I rolled my eyes at him.

  Avery chuckled. “Now I know you didn’t get that off Davin.” She spared me a half-glance. “He wouldn’t dare call me gorgeous.”

  “He might not. But I wouldn’t make the same mistake.” Vinny oozed about as much charm as a pile of fetid flesh. But Avery was smiling and giggling like she was totally falling for it.

  “That’s very sweet,” she said coyly as she wrapped her other hand around my arm.

  “Vinny here’s got delusions you’ll realise you’re with the wrong man,” Nate said and I’m adamant I didn’t growl at him. Because human beings didn’t actually do that.

  “Will I now?” Avery asked.

  Vinny nodded. “We can all be as broody as Dav here. But,” he winked, “we’re a fuck load more fun too.”

  Avery’s smile would have lit up the room had I been so ridiculous as to think such a thing. “I think Davin would say I’m fun enough for the both of us.”

  “You wouldn’t be wrong,” I grumbled.

  Vinny sniggered. “Let’s get you a drink.”

  Nate and Vinny followed the way to the drinks table and set about getting beers for all. Nate took his and dropped onto the couch beside Ash, putting his arm around her as she put her leg over his.