Tainted Lives

by Mandasue Heller

  Kissing her again, Vinnie let her go and checked his watch. ‘Best give her a ring then.’ He didn’t even like saying Fat Slag Hannah’s name. ‘Only make it quick, ’cos I don’t want to be too late. Pam’s tough, but she still needs her sleep.’

  Pulling up outside the bungalow an hour later, Vinnie looked at Sarah’s pale face and laughed. ‘Stop panicking. It’ll be fine.’

  ‘I’m not,’ she protested. ‘I’m just . . . hungry.’

  Shaking his head, Vinnie said, ‘Feeble excuse. Couldn’t you come up with something better than that?’ Still smiling, he climbed out of the jeep and smoothed his trousers down.

  Frowning, Sarah unclipped her seat belt. This was going to be terrifying. She hadn’t met a single one of Vinnie’s friends so far, and now she was about to be introduced to the most frightening one of all – the queen of the clan.

  Cocking his head as he watched her climb out, Vinnie gave a sexy half-smile. Waiting until she came around to his side, he pulled her to him and pressed her up against the driver’s side door.

  ‘Feel that?’ he whispered, pushing his hardness against her. ‘That’s because you look so beautiful. Just wait till I get you home.’

  ‘Get off,’ she scolded, pushing him away. ‘You’ll crease my dress.’

  Walking up the path beside him, Sarah smiled at the tingling sensation still crawling over her thighs. With him beside her, she could face anything. Even this.

  ‘It’s only me,’ Vinnie called, opening the front door. ‘You decent?’

  ‘No, I’m butt naked with a daffodil up me arse,’ Pam called back. ‘What do you think, you dozy sod? Stop shouting and get your arse in here before you let all the heat out. And I hope you’ve brought the lass with you, or you can piss right off out again. I don’t want me neighbours talking if they see you coming in on your tod. They’ll think I’m back in business, or something.’

  ‘See what I mean?’ Vinnie whispered as he ushered Sarah along the passage towards the bedroom. ‘Mad.’

  ‘She certainly sounds . . . different,’ she whispered back.

  ‘She’s that, all right,’ he agreed, smiling fondly. ‘But that’s her. No front, no surprises. If she likes you, she’ll tell you. If she don’t, she’ll tell you that, an’ all.’

  ‘I hope she does,’ Sarah murmured.

  ‘She will.’ Giving her a reassuring smile, Vinnie pushed the bedroom door open. Gripping tight to his hand, Sarah followed him in.

  Pam was propped up in bed facing the door and Sarah was shocked to see how old she looked. Vinnie had told her Pam’s age, but the voice had sounded so vibrant that she had stupidly expected someone far younger-looking.

  ‘So, this is her, is it?’ Pam looked Sarah up and down. ‘Well, she’s every bit as gorgeous as you said. I can see why she’s got your bollocks in a tizzy.

  ‘Don’t mind me, darlin’,’ she said when Sarah immediately blushed. ‘I’m only teasing. Come and sit down, let me get a proper look at you.’

  Sarah was nervous when Vinnie dropped her hand and propelled her forward. But she was positively petrified when he said he was going to put the kettle on – to give them a chance to get to know each other.

  Going to the bed, she sat down on the chair pulled up beside it and smiled nervously as Pam peered at her face for a full minute.

  Breaking the awkward silence at last, Pam said, ‘He’s proper gone on you, you know?’

  Embarrassed by the other woman’s directness, Sarah just nodded.

  ‘You’re not gonna hurt him, are you?’ Pam went on. ‘I may be old and knackered, but I could still kick your arse if I felt like it.’ Smiling now, she reached for Sarah’s hand. ‘Only joking, pet. I can see you like him, and I’m glad. He’s like one of me own, that lad, and he deserves the best. Anyhow, tell me about yourself. Vinnie says you’re a widow?’

  ‘Er, yes.’ Sarah squirmed in her seat, uncomfortable that her laundry had been so freely aired with someone she had never laid eyes on before.

  Tutting sympathetically, Pam shook her head. ‘That’s a terrible thing to happen at your age. And you’ve got a kiddie?’

  ‘Yeah – Kimmy.’

  ‘That’ll help, you know,’ Pam said wisely. ‘It takes your mind off things when you’ve a little one to think about. So, when did you meet Vinnie?’

  ‘Oh, years ago. He was—’

  ‘You two all right?’ Vinnie interrupted, coming back into the room with three steaming cups in his hands. ‘Not scratching each others’ eyes out?’

  ‘Behave,’ Pam snorted, tipping Sarah a wink. ‘We’re getting on like a house on fire, ain’t we, Sarah love?’

  Smiling, Sarah nodded.

  ‘I knew you would.’ Vinnie grinned happily. ‘How could you not when you both love me.’

  ‘Have you heard him?’ Pam scoffed. ‘Vain as a cat on heat. Makes a lovely brew, though, you’ve got to give him that. I hope you can cook, though, Sarah? He might be a stud in the boudoir, but he’s crap in the kitchen. And I should know. He’s burned me a few rounds of toast since I’ve been laid up!’

  ‘Didn’t hear you complaining at the time,’ Vinnie protested.

  ‘What, and starve to death?’ she squawked. ‘I’d rather your burnt offerings than Carina’s slop, any day!’

  ‘Carina?’ Sarah gave Vinnie a questioning look.

  ‘My Glen’s girlfriend,’ Pam told her. ‘Her and Vinnie were looking after me when I had me stroke. Only for a day, mind, ’cos Glen sorted me out as soon as he come back. Here, Vin,’ she said then, grinning. ‘Remember that time he broke his foot and Katie got that nurse in?’

  ‘God, yeah.’ He laughed. ‘He thought he’d be getting some fit bird, but Katie got a man instead.’

  Taking the opportunity to excuse herself while they were reminiscing, Sarah went to the bathroom to comb her hair and touch up her lipstick. Seeing how close Vinnie and Pam were, it was suddenly very important that Pam should like her.

  ‘What’s the verdict?’ Vinnie asked when Sarah had gone.

  ‘Lovely,’ Pam declared. ‘But I reckon she’s still a bit delicate about her hubby, so don’t go getting heavy and screw it up.’

  ‘I’ve got no intention of messing this up,’ he said, meaning it. ‘I’ve waited too long.’

  ‘She’s obviously worth it,’ Pam remarked. Then, looking thoughtful, she added, ‘She don’t half look familiar, though. I’ve been thinking since she walked in that I know her from somewhere, but I can’t put me finger on it.’

  Coming back just then, Sarah saw them looking at her and blushed. ‘What?’ she asked, checking that her skirt wasn’t tucked into her knickers, or something equally embarrassing.

  ‘We were talking about you, not to you,’ Pam quipped. ‘Anyhow, come here a minute, love. I want to have another look at you.’

  Doing as she was told, Sarah sat down and endured another close scrutiny of her face. It made her feel most odd and she couldn’t bring herself to look into the old woman’s piercing eyes.

  ‘That’s it!’ Pam declared suddenly. ‘I knew I’d seen them eyes before. Only one man on Earth could have passed on eyes like that. You’re Alan Bell’s kid, aren’t you?’

  Sarah’s mouth flapped open but nothing came out. She had no idea what to say. She didn’t know her father – had never been told his name.

  Seeing her look of confusion, Pam drew her head back. ‘Don’t tell me she never told you?’

  ‘Who?’ Vinnie asked. ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘Her mam,’ Pam told him, still gazing at Sarah. ‘You are Maggie Mullen’s lass, aren’t you?’

  Eyes widening, Sarah nodded mutely.

  ‘Thought so!’ Pam slapped her hand down on the quilt, overturning the ashtray, scattering dimps and ash every which way. ‘How is the old cow?’

  ‘No idea,’ Sarah said when she found her voice at last. ‘I haven’t seen her for years. She put me in care when I was seven.’

  Picking up on the stark bitterness b
ehind her words, Pam said, ‘Ah, I see. Put you through the wringer, did she?’

  ‘Something like that,’ Sarah muttered, reluctant to talk about it.

  ‘Was she always bad, or was it just when she was needing a fix?’ Pam persisted.

  ‘More when she was withdrawing,’ Sarah admitted, wondering how Pam knew so much. ‘But it was pretty crap in general.’

  ‘Men?’ Pam asked, cutting right to the heart of it.

  Flicking a nervous glance at Vinnie, Sarah gave the slightest of nods.

  ‘Nuff said,’ Pam murmured, letting it drop. Maggie Mullen had always been a self-serving old tart. It didn’t surprise her one bit that the bitch had put her kids forward as bait when her own appeal had shrivelled up and died along with her veins. ‘So, she shoved you in a home, did she? Well, I never. And you haven’t seen her since you got out? Didn’t you want to?’

  ‘I thought about it, but I wouldn’t know where to start,’ Sarah admitted quietly. ‘She’d moved last time I went round to the old house.’

  Pam gazed at her for a long silent moment, considering whether to tell her that she knew where Maggie was. She decided to go for it.

  ‘I know her address.’

  ‘You know where she lives?’ Sarah gasped.

  Pam nodded. ‘I never saw her for years after her and your dad split. I was more his mate, you see, and you always sided with your own. Anyhow, she moved straight after and we lost touch, but I bumped into her a couple of years back, down the market, and she give me her new address. Never went round, ’cos I never reckoned that much to her if I’m honest, but I should still have it somewhere if you want me to root it out?’

  Stunned, Sarah looked at Vinnie. Shrugging, he said. ‘It’s up to you. Do you want to see her?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ she mumbled, finding it all a little hard to take in.

  ‘Take your time.’ Pam patted her hand kindly. ‘You can always take the address, but you don’t have to use it if you don’t want to, do you?’

  ‘What about my dad?’ Sarah asked in a tiny voice, the word ‘dad’ feeling foreign on her tongue because she had never had cause to use it in relation to herself. ‘Did he know about me?’

  ‘Course he did.’ Pam was smiling now. ‘You were the spit of him and he was proud as anything. I should have clicked straight off that you was his. He was such a good-looking man when he was young, with them eyes and all that lovely black hair. Proper Irish dapper, he was, lovely soft voice.’ Sighing, she peered at the ceiling for a moment, lost in her memories. ‘Your mam wasn’t too bad herself,’ she said sniffily, coming back to Earth. ‘But she bollocksed herself up good-style when she started on the gear. Al moved out not long after, and that’s when she did the moonlight. He never saw you after that, didn’t know where she’d took you or nothing.’

  ‘Where is he now?’ Sarah asked, barely breathing now at the prospect of maybe meeting the man who’d shared his looks with her.

  ‘Southern cemetery, last I heard.’ Pam sighed regretfully. ‘Died of cancer about ten years back, poor love. A shame and a half, that was. Anyhow, about that address . . . You reckon you might want it?’

  ‘Yeah.’ Sarah nodded decisively. ‘No harm in taking it, I suppose. Like you said, I don’t have to use it if I don’t want to.’

  Pointing to the wardrobe, Pam said, ‘Fetch us the brown leather bag out of there, Vin. It should be at the bottom under the shoes.’

  Rooting through the mess of papers and old make-up stuffed inside the handbag when Vinnie handed it to her, Pam found the address and handed it to Sarah.

  Gazing at her mother’s childlike handwriting, Sarah felt peculiar, as if the years had been stripped away and she was a child again, making her way to the shops with a list in her hand.

  10 Bennies . . . Bog roll . . . Pint of sterry . . . tin foil . . .

  ‘And don’t be taking all day about it . . . You know what you’ll get if you make me miss my score . . .’

  ‘You all right?’ Vinnie asked, concerned by her sickly expression.

  Snapping back to the here and now, Sarah nodded. ‘I – I think I’m getting a headache.’

  ‘Take her home,’ Pam told him quietly. ‘It’s a lot to take in, this.

  ‘Sorry if I upset you, love,’ she said to Sarah then. ‘But I think it’s better knowing who you are than walking about wondering for the rest of your life. You know where I am if you ever want to ask me owt.’

  Struggling to hold back the tears, Sarah thanked her.

  ‘Come on,’ Vinnie said, putting a protective arm around her. ‘Let’s get you home.’

  Sarah didn’t sleep that night. Alone – having persuaded Vinnie to sleep at his own flat for a change – she stared up at her bedroom ceiling and thought about everything that she had learned.

  Alan Bell. Her father. She was supposed to be the spit of him, but she hadn’t even known his name. It didn’t seem right.

  It wasn’t right.

  Her mother had had no right to keep her from him. And how dare she give Sarah away to strangers when she could have sent her to her own father. Sarah would never do something that terrible to Kimmy. Pete could have beaten her black and blue every day of their marriage and she still wouldn’t have taken his child away from him.

  But maybe she wasn’t being fair. Her mother had had a serious drug problem. She probably hadn’t known any better than to up sticks and run when the going got tough. That was exactly what she had done straight after putting Sarah into care. Maybe it was her way of dealing with guilt?

  Sarah battled these conflicting emotions all night long, finally reaching a decision as the sun crawled into view outside the window.

  She would go and see her mother, but she would go alone. There was no way she was letting Vinnie witness her humiliation if she was rejected again. And she wouldn’t expose Kimmy to a potential cold-shouldering, either.

  Getting up, Sarah made breakfast, then rang Vinnie and told him her plans. Assuring him that she would be fine, and promising to tell him everything when she saw him later, she said goodbye. Then she rang Hannah to beg her to babysit – again.

  34

  The house was a scruffy end-of-terrace in the back streets of Rusholme. Less than two miles from Sarah’s flat, it might as well have been on the moon for all the similarities between the areas. In Hulme, people were constantly on the move, ducking and diving, wheeling and dealing – and generally making as much noise as possible. Here, with no people milling about and no cars zooming by, it felt stagnant – as if all the residents had died but nobody had bothered telling them.

  Unable to see through the grossly overgrown hedge shrouding the fence and broken gate, Sarah had to force her way through to the muddy litter-strewn garden to check it was the right number on the peeling brown-painted door. It was.

  Any doubt that she was in the right place was dispelled when she spotted the Maggie Mullen trademark in the window immediately above the door: the grotesque statue of Christ with His arms outstretched, His crown of thorns and His bloodstained cheeks. The cause of many a childhood nightmare for Sarah, it was Maggie’s pride and joy. She might move from house to house and man to man, leaving abandoned possessions and children in her wake, but that hideous statue was the one thing she never forgot to pack.

  Sarah closed her eyes and forced the bitter memories away. The past was done. The future was an open book. She wasn’t a helpless child any more, she was a fully grown woman with a child of her own and a dead husband under her belt.

  Taking a deep breath, she knocked. Then she stepped back, her stare riveted to the door, the blood pounding through her ears like a hammer-drill.

  Several seconds passed before a young woman answered. ‘Yeah?’ she said, her voice decidedly unfriendly.

  Sarah couldn’t speak. Surely this wasn’t her sister. She was a pretty, blonde, full-grown woman, with a shapely figure and long, slender legs. Karen was a plain, mousy-brown, five-year-old child.

  ‘What do you want
?’ the woman asked impatiently. When Sarah still didn’t answer, she tutted and went to close the door.

  ‘Wait!’ Sarah managed. ‘Please . . . I just . . . Are you Karen?’

  The woman’s eyes narrowed to slits as she stared at Sarah. Then realization sank in and they widened.

  ‘Sarah?’

  ‘Yes!’ Sarah nodded, her eyes filling with tears.

  ‘Oh my God!’ Karen gasped, throwing her hands up to her mouth. ‘I don’t believe it!’ Staggering off the step, her own eyes swimming with tears now, she threw her arms around the sister she had thought she had lost for ever.

  Breaking away after a minute, Sarah pulled a tissue from her pocket. Tearing it in half, she was laughing as she handed a piece to Karen.

  ‘Here, wipe your nose. You look like you did last time I saw you – snotty!’

  ‘I do not!’ Karen protested, laughing as she wiped. ‘Oh my God, Sarah.’ She shook her head slowly from side to side. ‘I never thought I’d see you again.’

  ‘Me neither.’ Sarah made an effort to pull herself together. ‘But I’m here now, so are you gonna let me in, or what?’

  Frowning, Karen bit her lip and glanced back nervously over her shoulder.

  Sarah’s heart sank.

  ‘What’s wrong? Am I not allowed in?’

  ‘It’s not that. It’s just . . . well, we were right in the middle of an argument when you knocked, and she might take it out on you.’

  ‘Ah, who cares?’ Shrugging, Sarah gave a sad smile. ‘It wouldn’t be any great shock, would it? She didn’t exactly hold back when we were kids. I doubt there’s anything she could say that I haven’t already heard.’

  ‘All right,’ Karen said, stepping back into the house. ‘But don’t say I didn’t warn you. She’s worse than ever these days.’

  Grossly obese, Maggie Mullen rarely ventured off the couch these days. The telly was her world now. That, and the booze her mate Rob bought her when he cashed her disability book.