Kiss Kiss Fang Fang: A Sucky Vampire Romantic Comedy

by Penelope Bloom

  Vlad mercifully rushed off. Lucian came back a short while later, looking toward Vlad. “Did Vlad come speak to you?”

  “You could call it that,” I said.

  Lucian nodded absently.

  “Are you sure he’s… You know, safe?”

  “Vlad is harmless. Here,” he said, handing me a glass of wine in a fancy crystal goblet. “Go ahead. Enjoy yourself.”

  I looked suspiciously at the drink.

  “It’s possible that you might wish to be slightly inebriated before you witness the fight.”

  “Are the Marsh people you mentioned still coming?”

  “The Marsh children should be here any moment.”

  “Children?” I asked.

  A waitress set down a sandwich for me. One look and I realized I was actually hungry, and I gratefully picked it up and started eating.

  “Well, they are nearly a hundred years old,” Lucian said. “Maybe two. I can never remember. But they were turned as children. So they are small.”

  “It hardly seems fair. Getting stuck at whatever age you are, I mean.”

  “Yes. When some cosmic force thought up the rules to this whole feeding on the blood of humans in exchange for immortality, they must’ve forgotten a detail or two that would’ve made it all much more ‘fair.’”

  “Well,” I said, looking for a way to cheer him up. Lucian always seemed to get gloomy and pessimistic when he talked about being a vampire. “I’ve seen more vampire movies and read more vampire books than I’d care to admit. People’s imaginations are a lot crueler to you guys than reality, apparently. Because in books vampires burst into flames the moment sunlight hits them. They usually have to kill the people they feed on, too. Or feeding turns people into vampires. The list of ways popular media has made being you guys shitty is endless, really.”

  “What a comfort,” he said. “And every other vampire I’ve met does need to mortally fear the sun. But at least we can eat garlic.”

  I bit back a smile. “You’re like a sexy vampire. It’s funny how they leave that part out of the movies. One sip of your blood and it’s like the world’s most ridiculous aphrodisiac.”

  “Needing to feed on humans is also an inconvenience, if we’re keeping score. And younger vampires have to do it daily. Only my age and particular gifts let me go weeks between feedings.”

  “Hm,” I said. “Tell me something… Is it weird being a million years old and wanting to sleep with someone my age? Doesn’t it make me seem like a child to you?”

  “No,” he said. “I was only a few years older than you are now when I was turned. I think the real difference between the young and the old is the betrayal of the body. A human at seventy usually possesses an almost identical mind to a younger person. The difference is their failing body makes them weary.”

  “That sounds exactly like something a super old, crusty geezer would say to get into the pants of a young human.” I grinned. Young. I had to admit a vain part of me liked this world where thirty wasn’t already the beginning of the end for being considered “young.” To these vampires, I was practically radiant with youth. I also enjoyed teasing a man who looked like the picture of someone in the prime of their life about his age.

  Lucian had seemed distracted for most of our conversation, but he finally looked at me with the edge of playfulness I’d caught brief glimpses of from him. “I wonder if it’s stranger for you to be so hopelessly attracted to an old, crusty geezer such as myself.”

  “Yes. It’s strange.”

  We were making some scorching eye contact when a small child approached our table. He looked about eight and had shock white hair cut into a perfectly strange bowl cut.

  “Good of you to come, Adam,” Lucian said.

  Adam inclined his chin, looking from me to Lucian with a hint of curiosity. There was a strange vibe to the little boy. I knew Lucian must’ve been talking about him when he mentioned the hundred or two hundred year old kids, and I believed it. I’d never seen a young boy who looked so confident or carried himself quite as the boy did. He had coal black eyes and little touches of malice on his small face that I couldn’t put my finger on. All I knew was I felt nervous around him.

  “Where are your brothers?” Lucian asked.

  “My brothers aren’t as willing to listen to your words as I am. They think you’ll just bring Bennigan down on us all.”

  “And you disagree?”

  “I wasn’t willing to miss the fights. And I enjoy hearing powerful people beg. So, please, let’s hear why I should convince my brothers to support you and not Bennigan. Is this your human?” he asked, pointing to me.

  “No. She is one of us. Newly turned, of course,” Lucian said.

  I nodded, then remembered a vampire wouldn’t look wide-eyed and confused. I tried to put on my best smoking hot, I’m a badass who bites people for fun look. Adam’s frank disinterest as he regarded me made me feel immediately silly.

  “It’s true,” I said. “I love blood. I spread the stuff on my toast, even.”

  Lucian slowly turned his head toward me, giving me look that clearly said please stop talking.

  Adam completely ignored my dumb comment and started listening to Lucian’s attempts to convince him to come back to The Order.

  I lost track of the conversation between Lucian and Adam because the seats around the room had filled and the fighting ring was now occupied by two very muscular, sculpted men wearing no shirts. There was no announcer and no ceremony. Both of the men in the ring just charged at each other and started clawing, biting, and punching.

  I immediately averted my eyes, but I could still hear the violence. When I tuned my ears back into the conversation between Lucian and Adam, they were talking about the ways Bennigan would eradicate their entire family lines if they crossed him. It was hard to follow some of the references the two men made, but I poured as much of my attention into it as I could. It was better than focusing on the fight raging while the room full of vampires cheered.

  I’d thought of this whole experience with Lucian as a dangerous, wild adventure more than once already. I’d even felt sad just minutes ago to see him cross the room without me and demonstrate the bond was weakening. But in a rushing, overwhelming moment, I was reminded how serious it all was.

  These creatures were dangerous, different, and deadly. One of them wanted to use me to hurt Lucian, and after that, he wanted to wipe out anyone who so much as dared to support Lucian.

  Half of me wanted to scoot closer to Lucian and cling to him for protection. The other half wanted to run as far as I could and try to forget I’d ever learned vampires were real.

  24

  Lucian

  We were in Cara’s cramped little room while I put the finishing touches on a dresser I’d built her. I’d seen the way she had to lay the majority of her clothing on the floor in a neat pile and then carefully dig through it when she wanted to find something to wear. The rest was stuffed in an extremely small closet that barely had room for a few jackets.

  I had a chisel in one hand and a mallet in the other as I fine-tuned the joinery for the dresser doors.

  She was sitting on her bed, watching me while she twirled a bare-footed toe in idle circles. Cara had on a fuzzy, oversized sweater and a pair of the “leggings” she liked to wear on lazy days. Some of her short hair was pulled up into a very small topknot while the rest hung at the back messily.

  I kept forgetting to focus on my work because I was stealing glances at her, and she had noticed. She was wearing her patented knowing smirk as she sat there, toe endlessly circling.

  “I can’t believe you built me a dresser,” she said. “Fixing the sink was nice, but this might be the most manly thing a guy has ever done for me.”

  I grinned. “The ones at the stores were not suitable. It appears they build furniture out of wood dust now. Those things would fall apart on you in months. And besides, they were too large for the space. It made sense to build something specific for your r
oom.”

  “It made sense to you because you’re the sweetest vampire I’ve ever met,” she said with a raised eyebrow.

  I chuckled. “I’m one of only a handful of vampires you’ve ever met.”

  “Still the sweetest,” she said.

  I looked up, pointing the chisel at her. “Do me a favor and don’t spread that around. It wouldn’t be good for my reputation.”

  She mockingly zipped her lips.

  I tested the fit of the drawer I’d been working on, found it satisfactory, and moved on to the next. “The bond should be weakening any day now.”

  There was a thick silence before Cara finally spoke. “And you’ll go when it does?”

  I looked up. “I have to.”

  “You don’t,” she said. She got off the bed and moved to sit beside me on her knees, taking my hand in hers. “I could learn to be safe in your world. With you. I don’t want you to go, Lucian.”

  “That’s my fault for sheltering you from the worst of this. You still can’t fully understand what you’d be getting into.”

  “I’ve been around you ever minute of every day since that night. How different could your world really be from what I’ve seen?”

  I took my hands from hers and started hammering the dovetail I was working on but rushed the cut and mangled it. I clenched my teeth, staring at the wasted wood before looking back up to her. “You wouldn’t survive being with me. It might not happen today, this week, or even this month. But eventually someone would come for you. The work I do makes me a target. That would make you a target.”

  “I don’t care,” she said.

  I sighed. “I do. I’m not willing to let you throw your life away.”

  “It’s not your decision.” Tears were welling in her eyes, but she got on her hands and crawled closer to me, pulling the chisel from my hand and then the mallet next. I was sitting cross legged, and when she crawled closer, our faces were just inches apart. “I don’t want this to end,” she said, voice a hot whisper against my lips.

  “It has to.”

  She kissed me suddenly. I nearly fell back from the burst of warmth that spiraled through me. My skin tingled and my hairs stood on end. My hand was cupping the back of her neck before I knew what I was doing, and my tongue was swirling with hers.

  She let out a soft moan in my mouth, and I tried to pull back. She shook her head fiercely, eyes blazing into mine. A hot tear pattered from her cheek to my arm.

  “No,” she said. “I care about you, Lucian. If the only reason you want to get away from me is for my own sake, then I’m telling you no. You don’t get to choose that for me. It’s my life to risk, and I’ll risk it for you. To be with you,” she added, punctuating her words with a kiss that nearly shattered me.

  I kissed her back, mind racing for some excuse—some way out. Every caress and touch felt like I was writing her death sentence.

  She climbed into my lap, letting me envelop her in my arms. She wrapped her legs around my waist, pressing herself against the pulsing need between my legs. I groaned into her mouth, taking her hair in my fist hard enough to make her gasp.

  “We can’t,” I said. “I’ve told you what this would mean.”

  “I don’t care,” she said. “I don’t care.”

  I was kissing her again and letting her lean me backwards. I was on my back and she was sitting on top of me.

  Her small hands were holding fistfuls of my shirt and my own were greedily exploring her. She was letting out the sexiest, breathy moans every time she grinded her hips into me, fucking me through my clothing.

  This is okay. So long as we keep our clothes on. We can both get it out of our system and have a rational conversation about this later. So long as—

  Cara sat up on me, tugging her sweater over her head and releasing two beautiful breasts that were briefly lifted and then fell heavily when the fabric was peeled away. Her nipples were erect, and my hands and mouth were all over her before I could think better of it.

  She arched her back into me, hips digging against my erection as she did in a wonderful rush of friction and heat.

  Cara’s chin was resting on the back of my head while both her hands wildly ran through my hair, her body pulsating with her need. “I want you to take me,” she whispered. “Make me yours.”

  I was waging a war inside myself. A thousand years couldn’t have prepared me for the temptation to do exactly that—to throw her on the bed, peel away her leggings, and bury my face between her legs before I plunged inside her. I wanted to see her face while I filled her with my seed. I wanted to feel her curl into me as she came for me, gasping and whispering about how she’d always be mine.

  Selfishly, I wanted it all.

  But I did the hardest thing I’d ever done and shook my head then, taking my hands away from her breasts and looking away. “I can’t, Cara. I would never forgive myself.”

  “Lucian, please,” she said, cupping my face and trying to turn me to look at her. “Please. I want this.”

  “You don’t know what you’re asking for. And I can’t give it.”

  “Please,” she whispered.

  With a growl of frustration, I flipped her over to her back, then plunged my hand down the front of her pants. I found her clit and started to circle it, locking my eyes on hers. “I won’t make you like me,” I whispered even as she squirmed, eyes clenching shut against the rush of pleasure.

  “I won’t sacrifice you for my pleasure.”

  She gasped, hand gripping my arm as it circled her more feverishly.

  Because I love you, I thought. I love you, and that’s the only reason I’m strong enough to stop this from happening.

  “Lucian,” she said, eyes seeking mine. “I—”

  I put my mouth on hers, silencing her as I used my fingers to drive her to orgasm. She moaned into my mouth, hands desperately clutching at me, trying to pull me on top of her to give her what we both wanted.

  But when she was through, I moved away from her and went back to my work, trying my best to ignore the long period where she watched me, her shirt still off. Finally, she put her shirt on and went to her bed.

  I didn’t say anything, because I didn’t trust myself not to say something stupid. Something that would make this harder for both of us. I suspected the only thing stopping her from continuing to press me to continue was not knowing my feelings. If she knew how I really felt, she’d know it would’ve only taken one more nudge. One last ounce of pressure and I would’ve completely caved in.

  But I thanked whatever deity allowed my miserable existence that she just went and put her head on the pillow, then rolled to the side so her back was facing me.

  Good. Be mad at me, if that’s what it takes. Hate me, if that’s what you need.

  Whatever is necessary to keep you from being dragged into my hell.

  25

  Cara

  The first sign of the bond weakening was that I woke and didn’t see Lucian on his usual spot in the floor. I also didn’t feel a panic-inducing level of thudding in my chest at his absence.

  I manufactured that sensation on my own, bond or no bond, and rushed out of bed. I tripped over some of his woodworking tools he’d left out from working in my room the other night and thudded down the stairs without an ounce of grace.

  In the kitchen, I found Parker and Lucian at the kitchen table. Parker was explaining something about night terrors to Lucian, who was listening with a surprising amount of interest.

  I had a few moments to look at him before he noticed me. Lucian had a way of looming in a space, like a dark, pale shadow. He looked supremely out of place no matter what context I saw him in, even among other vampires.

  He was too impressive. Too beautifully different.

  My thoughts went to last night and my stomach sank all over again. I’d laid everything out. I’d put my feelings in front of him and stripped away any sense of dignity. I told him exactly how I felt, and he’d pushed me away. The only thing keeping me fr
om feeling completely crushed was knowing his motivations.

  Lucian thought he was protecting me.

  I’d seen enough to know that if he thought it was that dangerous for me to be involved with him, the threat was real. Except no matter how many times I tried to talk reason to myself, I still wanted to be with him. The bond weakening hadn’t so much as chipped away at my resolve, either. This wasn’t some vampire magic of his. It was just him.

  “Oh,” Parker said, looking up at me and waving dorkily. He was wearing a faded blue hoodie that was too small. He had the hood up and was hunched over his laptop. Lucian was standing behind his chair, bending his straight back to look at whatever Parker was talking about. “I was just telling Lucian about the man with the hat.”

  “The what?” I asked. I expected Lucian to give me a save me look, but he actually jumped in and explained for Parker.

  “He’s speaking of the Fae.”

  “Huh?” Parker said. “No, it’s not fairies. It’s like—”

  “Yes,” Lucian said. “Shadowy figures who loom in your bedroom at night? Your body is completely paralyzed. All you can do is watch?”

  “Yeah,” Parker said. “But it’s a chemical thing. Like your brain gets you halfway to a dream state and immobilizes your muscles. The problem is you’re still awake, so it lets you see into some version of reality you’re not supposed to see.”

  “Yes,” Lucian said plainly.

  Parker was looking at Lucian with the startled eyes of a conspiracy junkie who had never met somebody who tried to one-up his conspiracy with something even crazier. Lucian just looked deadly serious.

  I covered my mouth, smiling a little. Knowing Lucian, he was either screwing with Parker, or I needed to add the existence of shadowy fae creatures to my growing list of “shit that isn’t supposed to be real but actually is real.”

  I waited patiently while Parker grilled Lucian with questions, which Lucian answered. When the two of them were through, Lucian joined me on my walk to campus.