Kiss Kiss Fang Fang: A Sucky Vampire Romantic Comedy

by Penelope Bloom

We didn’t talk for most of the walk to my morning classes. I’d learned not to really bother Lucian when he was in direct sunlight. Even being indoors when sun was filtering through windows was hard for him, I’d discovered. He wouldn’t answer any direct questions about it, but I was fairly sure it was getting harder for him every day, like he wasn’t able to completely recover from being in the sun because he was having to do it so much. Or maybe it was because he was having to steal little bits of sleep during my classes and on Anya’s couch while I fiddled with samples of my bond-rich blood.

  He started walking more slowly when we were about two minutes away from reaching my building. Then he slumped, falling to one knee.

  “Lucian?” I said, crouching beside him and putting my hands on his shoulders.

  His head was hanging, and when I looked closer, I saw his skin looked blistered.

  “Oh, God,” I whispered. “We need to get you out of the sun.”

  I tried to tug on his arms, but he was heavy. Ridiculously heavy.

  “Come on!” I hissed.

  Lucian shook his head. He tried to say something, then winced in pain.

  We had walked the back way through campus, which meant we were on a seldom used path that cut over a bridge and through some trees. I looked around for anyone who could help me drag him inside, but there was nobody.

  Lucian was just grunting and breathing heavy, apparently unable to even speak.

  I pulled out my phone and decided he could get pissed at me later, but I was calling in help. I sent a group text to Zack, Niles, Mooney, and Parker asking them to come as soon as they could and told them where to find us.

  Zack and Mooney were already on campus and only a couple minutes away in the gym. I waited by Lucian’s side, trying to use my body to shield his face from the sun as he writhed, and the blisters grew redder and more numerous.

  “Please hang on,” I said. “The guys are coming to help me move you.”

  I got up a few times and uselessly tried to yank him toward a patch of shade that was only a short distance away, but he might as well have been solid stone for how much I could move him. All I accomplished was getting myself sweaty and out of breath and he hadn’t moved an inch.

  Zack and Niles finally came pounding heavy-footed up the path toward us.

  “What’s wrong with him?” Zack asked between heavy breaths.

  “He needs to get inside,” I said.

  Mooney and Zack could see that Lucian was in trouble, even if they didn’t have any idea why. They thankfully decided to hoist him up between themselves with Mooney taking his shoulders and Zack taking his legs. They jogged with him toward the closest building, drawing concerned looks from students on their way to class.

  “This guy is fucking heavy,” Zack groaned as they backed their way through the doors leading inside to a long hallway lined with doors on one side and big windows on the other.

  “Anything would be heavy with those twigs you call arms, bro,” Mooney laughed.

  “He needs to be away from windows,” I said, trying a few doors until I found one that was unlocked. It thankfully opened to a dim, unoccupied lecture hall.

  The boys put Lucian down, then stepped back to look at him. “Uh,” Zack said. “Is he allergic to sunlight or something?”

  Lucian’s eyes were squeezed shut and his teeth were showing as he winced in pain. I cringed when I realized his canines were elongated. Shit.

  I’d only seen him feed one time, and he’d seemed healthier and more energetic after he did. How long ago had that been?

  “I think he needs food,” I said shakily.

  Mooney rooted through his backpack and pulled out a crushed ham sandwich. “I was looking forward to this, but I guess he could… Hey, what’s with his teeth?”

  Zack leaned down, hands on his knees. “Uh, yeah. Those look really fucking real.”

  I took a deep breath. Lucian could yell at me later, but I needed the guys to help right now and the simplest way I could think of was to tell the truth.

  “Lucian is a vampire, okay? I accidentally broke a wall where he and these two other vampires were trapped. There were some asshole vampires who want him dead, and they tried to kill me to lure him out. Then he saved me with his blood, which meant we couldn’t be more than a few feet apart for the last few weeks. You don’t remember much because he kept wiping your memories until I convinced him to stop.”

  Mooney and Zack didn’t say anything at first, then they both laughed. “A vampire?”

  Zack knelt down, then tugged on one of Lucian’s teeth as if he expected it to pop off. The amused look on his face faltered. “What’s this thing stuck on with, superglue?”

  “Funny,” Mooney said. He got down and tried as well, grunting with effort.

  Lucian, who was still blistered, squirming, and very much in pain, flinched. It happened so fast that none of us moved.

  One moment, Mooney was tugging on Lucian’s tooth, the next, Lucian’s teeth were clamped around his wrist and a thick droplet of blood was pattering from Mooney to the ground.

  “What the fuck!” Mooney yelled. He tried to pull back, but Lucian’s other arm shot up and gripped his upper arm, locking him in place.

  Zack tried to kick at Lucian, but Lucian effortlessly swung his arm to the side, sending Zack literally tumbling through the air several feet to crash into a row of seats.

  “Lucian!” I screamed.

  Only a few seconds had passed, but Lucian’s blisters started to bubble and fade. His eyes opened. The look in them was wild, like a cornered animal. Like something dangerous and unnatural.

  Then he blinked and I saw the man I’d started to fall in love with.

  He released Mooney, who scurried back, clutching his wrist and looking at Lucian like he might look at a lion who had just wandered into the room. Zack was groaning and trying to pull himself up from the seat, which had broken under the weight of his fall.

  Lucian closed his eyes, let out a long breath, and then his whole body let off a rush of steam. He sighed with relief, and got to his feet, rolling his neck. “I feel much better. Thank you for the blood, Mooney.”

  “The—fucking—you—” Mooney stammered. He looked around, saw a lectern, and hoisted it up, holding it like a baseball bat. He started inching toward Lucian with it. “You fucker. You bit me.”

  “You were pulling on my teeth, if I recall,” Lucian said.

  Mooney swung the lectern toward Lucian so hard that I flinched. I expected to see Lucian crumble to the ground with the force of the heavy object being swung at his head. Instead, he lifted his forearm to shield himself. There was a gruesome crack.

  Lucian glared, nostrils flaring. His forearm was bent at a strange angle, then there was another faint hissing sound and it straightened itself.

  Mooney dropped the broken lectern, taking a few staggering steps back.

  Zack was on his feet now, rubbing the small of his back. He picked up a piece of the chair and launched it at Lucian. It bounced off Lucian’s head with a comically quiet thud.

  “Stop!” I shouted. “Vampire. He’s a vampire. Okay? You were tugging on a freaking vampire’s teeth. Of course he bit you a little bit!”

  Mooney shook his bleeding wrist around, spraying bits of blood on the carpet. “A little bit? The fucker tried to take my hand off!”

  “It’s a flesh wound.” Lucian, who currently had a blood mustache, was already completely healed of blisters.

  “Any wound is technically a flesh wound,” Zack said shakily. He was backing up, not taking his eyes from Lucian. “I mean, like, if you get cut in half that’s a flesh wound. And then some.”

  “He’s going to live. Unfortunately,” Lucian said. “I barely took any blood.”

  “Be nice, Lucian.” I moved to put myself between Lucian and Mooney, just in case Mooney tried to charge him. “They helped me drag you in here. You were boiling alive out there. What the hell was that?”

  He shook his head. “I don’t know. I pushe
d my ability to heal to its limits. I’ve been quite hungry as well, but I was hoping to wait until you didn’t need to watch me feed.”

  “Oh how fucking sweet,” Mooney groaned. He waved his wrist around limply. “Looks like that plan backfired, huh, Dracula.”

  “Dracula?” Lucian laughed. “He has been dead for centuries. Quite the asshole, if the stories are true.”

  Zack wagged a finger. “If you’re really a vampire. Prove it. Do something only a vampire could do.”

  Mooney squinted. “Yeah. If you were really a vampire, you’d have some kind of power, right?”

  “I plan to, but you won’t remember it.” Lucian moved toward Mooney with that look he got when he was trying to get into people’s minds.

  “Lucian!” I warned. “I told you. No more memory wiping.”

  Lucian sighed. “Then it would be easier if they believed what you’ve told them and stopped screeching like scared children.” He rolled up the sleeve of his suit and dragged a fingernail down his wrist, drawing blood.

  Zack looked gruesomely entertained, but Mooney winced. “The hell, man,” Mooney muttered to himself.

  Lucian’s wound bubbled, hissed, and sealed itself in an instant. “There. Convinced?”

  Zack and Mooney weren’t convinced until Lucian patiently went through about five more demonstrations, including healing more wounds, lifting both Zack and Mooney up off their feet at the same time, and a close-up look as his canines.

  “Okay,” Mooney said slowly. “So your boyfriend is a vampire.”

  Zack folded his arms. “And some bad vampires want to hurt you because of it?”

  I nodded. “That’s mostly the situation. Yeah.”

  “How can we help?” Zack asked.

  “By telling no one,” Lucian said.

  “Wait.” Zack looked up at the ceiling, then snapped his fingers. “Werewolves. Are they real, too?”

  “No comment,” Lucian said.

  “He’s stingy with answers,” I explained. “You’re lucky you got this much.”

  Lucian took my hand and started pulling me toward the hallway. “Come. We need you to get to your class or you’ll never pass the test on Friday.”

  I gave Mooney and Zack a wave before I was out of the room, then grinned at Lucian. “How do you know about my test on Friday?”

  “I meant what I said about not wanting to ruin your life. This school work is important to you. I’ve been making sure you keep on track with your studies.”

  I pulled his arm toward me and gave it a little hug. “Normally I’d make a joke about how you probably just wanted to get in my pants. But…” I trailed off, remembering all too vividly how the disaster of last night had gone.

  Lucian stopped me in the hallway, bending his neck to meet my eyes as he cupped my cheeks. “I’m attracted to you, Cara.” His jaw flexed and his eyes blazed. “I would do things to you…” He wet his lips, and I could feel the barely contained desire practically radiating off of him like heat. “There’s almost nothing I wouldn’t give to have you all to myself, even for one night. But the price is too great. I wouldn’t sacrifice you. You’re the one thing I wouldn’t give up.”

  I lowered my eyes, smiling a little sadly. “I’m the one thing you wouldn’t give up to get… me. I’m not sure that entirely makes sense.”

  “Sleeping with you while we’re bonded would be unforgivable.”

  I chewed the corner of my lip, looking back up into his dark, penetrating gaze. “So what are the technicalities? What happens if you don’t, you know, go inside me?”

  “The bond is only consummated through vaginal intercourse, if I feed on you, or through an obscure ritual I haven’t heard of anyone performing in a very long time.”

  “So we could do other things, is what you’re saying.”

  “Well, yes. But I don’t—”

  I got on my tiptoes and planted a kiss on his lips. He staggered backwards until we bumped against the window sill. I took two fistfuls of his suit, trying to keep him from running away again or pushing me off.

  Lucian didn’t kiss me back at first, but then he seemed to relax into it, kissing me back as he hooked his arms around me, pulling me tight to his hard, lean body.

  I gasped when he finally pulled back from the kiss. “You really need to get to class. Your test on Friday will be a quarter of your grade.”

  “People post notes online,” I said, kissing his neck.

  “These notes are good enough to get you through the test?” he asked.

  “Yes, Dad,” I laughed.

  Lucian smiled crookedly, revealing his vertical slash of a dimple. “I only want what’s best for you.”

  “Right now, I’m so wet that I think I’m going to need to throw these panties away,” I whispered. “And I think your hand between my legs is what would be best for me.”

  Lucian’s eyes widened. “You make a compelling argument for skipping class.”

  I nodded. “Zack and Mooney are probably out of that lecture hall by now. We could see if it’s still empty.

  I giggled when Lucian scooped me up and carried me toward the door. He opened it with his knee, then kicked it open and locked it behind us.

  26

  Lucian

  I pressed Cara against the door as soon as it was closed. Her flirtations might as well have broken a dam inside me to release a torrential flood of hunger.

  I kissed her ravenously. My hands found the soft warmth of her stomach and pushed her shirt up. I struggled with her bra, which drew a laugh from her.

  “I guess these are different than the last time you had to unhook one,” she said, reaching back to help undo the clasp for me.

  It fell to the ground between us and I took a handful of her breast, feeling her nipple harden instantly against my palm.

  I pushed my hand down the front of her jeans and inside her panties. She was wet. She was soaked, and my cock was stiff within moments. I slid my finger inside her, using my palm to circle her clit while my fingers glided in and out of her.

  She arched her back into me, rolling her head back and exposing her neck.

  I stared at the flesh there while she gripped my finger with her walls and rhythmically ground her hips into me. One of her hands had drifted to my cock, which she was rubbing through my pants in clumsy but hungry movements.

  The vein in her neck thumped subtly against her skin, reminding me how hungry I still was. I closed my eyes, kissing her there to prove to myself I was above my desires. I wasn’t ruled by them.

  “Oh, God, Lucian,” she gasped into my ear.

  Her body thudded against the door as she shook with an orgasm. I felt her warm entrance tense and grip my fingers as she came, her whole body vibrating for the first few seconds of it.

  She took my cock in a death grip, which I wasn’t sure I would survive.

  I held my breath, riding out her orgasm until she finally loosened her grip on me.

  I grinned down at her, planting a kiss on her full lips. “We shouldn’t make a habit of this.”

  “Why not?” Cara asked. She looked achingly beautiful. Her face was flushed, and her hair was just messy enough to make it clear what we’d been doing. Her eyes were heavy-lidded, and her lips were parted.

  “Because it can’t last. And we’re playing with fire—doing this.”

  She shook her head. “You keep talking like you can get rid of me. What if I refuse to let you go?”

  I smiled, feeling a pang of sadness inside me. Then I’ll still have to go, but it’ll just hurt both of us that much more. “We should get you to class.”

  I lifted up her bra from the ground and handed it to her with a half smile. “I’m going to need you to put those beautiful breasts back in their holsters before your classmates get any ideas.”

  Cara tauntingly lifted her shirt, flashing me with a view of her chest that made me rethink everything for a heartbeat. It made me want to rip her pants down and free my cock, to—

  I blinked, forcin
g myself to focus. What mattered was keeping her safe. Nothing else.

  27

  Lucian

  The bond eventually weakened enough that Cara and I could separate for a few hours at a time. It was still difficult, but if I waited until she was sleeping at night to go out, she could mostly sleep through the cravings for closeness. I knew Bennigan couldn’t strike at her during the day, so I was also able to let her get back to some degree of normalcy in her life. I’d asked Zack and Mooney to keep an extra close eye on her while I rested, which they’d eagerly agreed to.

  On my first few nights of separation, I hadn’t dared travel too far from her. I mostly lurked around outside her apartment, testing the limits of the bond and ensuring Bennigan or his harem weren’t lurking nearby, waiting to strike the moment I left.

  After I’d become reasonably certain it was safe, I started a methodical search of the city for information. I was able to investigate some of the more dangerous contacts I had, knowing I didn’t need to drag Cara along to the meetings anymore.

  I met Vlad outside a place called Head Fangers, which was a sort of hardcore music scene for vampires. Of course, the sign outside claimed the place was a mattress store. My kind had discovered a very long time ago that mattress stores were the perfect front for any kind of vampire hangout. All that was needed was a human or two to appear to run the place and a healthy dose of daily memory wiping. Other than that, the average human seemed to think it was perfectly normal for several mattress stores that never had any customers to exist on the same street.

  Vlad had his curly hair slicked back and he was actually wearing a nice—albeit ancient—set of embroidered finery. He shook out the ruffles on his sleeves and checked his collar. “How do I look?” he asked.

  “Like a greased pig,” I said.

  Vlad snorted. “You fucker. I look fantastic.”

  “You’re sure Jewel knows you’re coming?”

  “Of course she does,” he said. “I’ve been telling her for decades that I was going to come visit any day.”