Kiss Kiss Fang Fang: A Sucky Vampire Romantic Comedy

by Penelope Bloom

  I nodded. I should’ve expected as much when Vlad told me he already had a meeting set up with Jewel. She used to be one of the top agents for The Order, but everything I’d heard lately said that was in the past. At the very least, I hoped I could find some answers from her.

  Vlad licked his fingers, then slicked back his eyebrows and wiggled them at me. “Should I show her my bat form?”

  “No,” I said firmly. “No.”

  We moved through the mattress store, casually wiping the memory of the human salesman who approached us. Vlad lifted a mattress in the back of the store to reveal a staircase leading down to the main building. After a few steps, we could hear the thumping sounds of fast music and screaming vocals.

  The room was low-ceilinged and cave-like. The air smelled damp, with faint hints of blood. There were a few human virgins on display for feedings, but most of the clientele were gathered around a small stage where the band was currently playing.

  We found Jewel sitting in a corner booth with a young, mostly naked human virgin in her lap. Her lips were red, and her fangs were elongated. The human was pacified and motionless in her lap.

  “Vlad,” Jewel said easily. “I was expecting you.” Jewel was a large woman who looked like she very likely could have walked through a brick wall if she put her mind to it. She had the thick neck of a football player, broad shoulders of someone who was no stranger to manual labor, and the ruddy cheeks of a farmer. Vlad also had an aggressive crush on the woman, which supposedly had simmered for centuries, ever since they met on a farm in the French countryside.

  He grunted, then sat down and patted the table. He stuck his hand up like he was hoping to arm wrestle. Instead of looking confused, Jewel rolled up her sleeve and planted her elbow across from his, then clasped his hand in hers.

  The two vampires held each other’s stares for several long seconds until I finally sighed and moved closer.

  As unenthusiastically as I could, I counted down for them. “Three. Two. One.”

  They both started grunting and groaning immediately, but Vlad’s hand was the one getting pushed toward the tabletop.

  “You giant wench,” he gritted through clenched teeth.

  “You hairy ball of grease,” she groaned back, but with a faint smile.

  I discreetly looked around the room, hoping nobody was observing me be a part of their nonsense.

  Jewel finally slammed Vlad’s hand down to the table, thumping the wood and making her human lift his head. She shushed him and pushed his head back into her lap.

  “Damn it,” Vlad said, massaging his wrist. He looked annoyed at first, but then his expression grew lecherous. “You always were strong.”

  Jewel leered right back at him.

  Disgusting.

  “I was hoping we could talk,” I said, interrupting what was quickly becoming a private moment between the two large vampires.

  “We’re talkin’,” Jewel said.

  Vlad laughed too loud at her sarcasm. He was currently doing an undignified scooting maneuver to get himself around the circular seat and the table so he could sit beside her. I took a spot at the edge of the bench, resting my elbows on the table.

  “I need to know how to get in contact with the elders. Marcell. Lilith. Demeter. I just need a location.”

  Jewel sniffed dismissively. “Dead. Boots up.”

  My stomach clenched. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean The Order has been gutted, Lucian. Why do you think so many of us got out of the business?”

  “Demeter was over a thousand years old. Who could even kill someone that powerful?”

  “Someone older, I reckon,” she said. “You didn’t ever think maybe the oldest ones of our kind have been out there the whole time? That maybe they were among us, figurin’ it was better not to be known than known?”

  The idea made my skin feel colder than usual. “It occurred to me.”

  Jewel nodded. “Word is out that you’ve been tryin’ to re-establish contacts with The Order, Lucian. That’s not the sort of word you want getting’ out in these times.”

  “You want me to hide, then? Like you?”

  Jewel slammed her fist on the table, leaning toward me. “I’m waitin’. Coming out right now in support of The Pact is puttin’ a target on your back. I suggest you do the same.”

  “I won’t hide. You know as well as I do what will happen if The Pact isn’t honored.”

  “Enslavement of the human race?” Jewel asked. “So what? Maybe it’s time we stopped lurkin’ in the shadows, anyway.”

  I got up, feeling disgusted. “There’s nobody left?” I asked. “Not a single contact?”

  She looked annoyed, but her shoulders slumped, and she let out a sigh. “If you’re insistin’ on gettin’ yourself killed by whoever this old ass vampire is that’s beheading the order, I reckon that’s your business, ‘innit?”

  “It is,” I said.

  “There’s a rumor about some idiots in the city trying to round up resistance. I heard they operate out of a place called Bloody Harry’s.”

  “Does this group have a name? The ones trying to oppose The Pact?”

  “They’re calling themselves Shadow Force.”

  Vlad spurted with laughter. “Shadow Force? Do they wear tight little brightly colored suits and helmets? Do sparks fly out when they punch things?”

  Jewel crossed her arms beneath her considerable bosom, clearly unamused. “You wouldn’t be laughin’ if you knew the things they done.”

  Vlad grinned. “Nope. Pretty sure I’d still be laughing. What a horrible name. Shadow Force,” he said, muttering to himself then barking with more laughter.

  “The name is quite silly,” I admitted.

  “I’ll make sure to pass your complaints on to the ancient, deadly vampires that are gonna want you dead come tomorrow.”

  I motioned for Vlad to follow me, but he bulged his eyes and shook his head, then tipped his chin toward Jewel.

  I needed to get back to Cara before I could check out the place Jewel mentioned, but at least I had a lead for the first time in weeks. Whoever these vampires resisting “Shadow Force” were, I had a sinking feeling it wasn’t going to be anything close to the organized strength The Order I’d known had.

  Worse, if there was an ancient vampire out there with an agenda and a terrible ability to name organizations, Cara was in more danger than I’d thought.

  I could lay low and wait until the bond was completely gone to make a move, which would avoid the risk of drawing any more dangerous attention on Cara than I already had. But doing that would mean letting my enemies continue to gather strength. If their end goal was the enslavement of the entire human race, I couldn’t exactly pretend I was protecting Cara by waiting to act. Could I?

  28

  Lucian

  I opened my eyes on Cara’s floor, noting that sickening yellow sunlight was seeping through her window. I could already feel the now-familiar fatigue it brought. I got up, rolled my neck more out of habit than necessity. Sometimes, I irrationally wanted to wake up feeling stiff and in need of stretching like I had when I was a human.

  But the body of a vampire didn’t experience discomfort like a human’s. I could lay on stone and feel no urge to shift around my position or roll to my side. I could sit for hours in the same spot and be completely at ease. I only grew truly hungry for blood every four to five days, and I didn’t get cold or hot.

  My recent over-exposure to the sun had brought back some hints of those old annoyances, but it was still nothing but a dull reminder.

  I was nearly a void of physical sensation, except all the carnal senses seemed amplified.

  It only made my constant lust for Cara harder to ignore. She was the single pulse of light in a dark room. The flickering temptation to step closer, to explore more. She was the thing I wanted to reach out and put my fingertips to so I could remember what warmth felt like.

  I’d already let myself slip too many times with her. In th
e kitchen and then in the empty classroom. Both moments were on constant repeat in my mind, driving me ever more mad with the hunger for more. She was more than a physical craving, though.

  Cara’s innocent curiosity was refreshing. She didn’t treat me like some immortal, terrifying being. She acted like I was any other man, at least as much as that was possible in our situation. She made me feel normal for the first time in ages.

  And now the bond was fading. I should’ve felt immense relief to be free of her. After all, she was a glaring weakness all my enemies would love to exploit if they got the opportunity. The sooner we were out of each other’s lives, the better it should’ve been for both of us.

  Except I worried I’d reached a point where I would’ve traded my own safety just for another day with her. I’d grown irrational. Sentimental. Weak.

  Cara sat upright, stretching her arms overhead in a way that pressed her thin, pale pink t-shirt against her breasts. I told myself not to look, but I saw the hardened points of her nipples pressing through the fabric.

  It was all I could do not to go to her then. To throw the blankets off her bed and push her shirt up to her neck, taking her nipple between my teeth and letting out all the suppressed need I’d barely been bottling.

  She saw me, then pulled her covers up a little with a curious little smile. “Morning, Lucy.”

  “Do not start calling me that.”

  “Vlad calls you Lucy.”

  “Vlad is potentially thousands of years old, mentally unstable, and probably impervious to any of my attempts to harm him. You, on the other hand…”

  “What are you going to do?” she asked, raising a taunting eyebrow. “Bite me?”

  “You’d be surprised what methods of punishment I could imagine.”

  Stop making this harder than it already is. I tightened my hands into fists, willing the urge to tease and flirt with her down. It was only going to lead to more kissing. More pleasure. More bad ideas that would make the coming moment when I needed to leave that much worse.

  Cara tilted her head and smiled with a touch of mischief. “I thought Vlad was the one who was into torture.”

  I was on her bed before I knew what I was doing, looming over her. “Touch yourself for me.”

  Her smile was crooked—amused. She pressed her fingertips to her wrist and mockingly arched her neck, moaning.

  I grabbed her hand and pushed it between her legs. I saw she was only wearing a pair of black panties beneath her oversized t-shirt. The playfulness in her features dropped away, leaving only a startled, red-cheeked look of innocent arousal.

  “Come for me.”

  She moved her hand away, reaching for mine. “I want you to do it.”

  “And your punishment is that you have to do it yourself. While I watch.”

  She stared longingly at me, but I moved away from the bed and went to the wall where I could see her clearly. “Do it,” I commanded.

  Cara hesitated, but her slender fingers started to move against the fabric of her panties eventually. She was silent at first, body stiff. She kept looking at me, then swallowing hard.

  Her knees were bent, and her fingers kept circling, but I could tell she was too self-conscious to let loose and really enjoy herself.

  I didn’t just want to see her go through the motions. I wanted her to come. I reached down to my cock and started to rub it through my pants. The next time Cara glanced at me, her eyes went a little wider. She chewed her lip, then pressed her head back into the pillows. A few seconds later, she let out a soft gasp and pressed her hips up against her own hand, knees coming together.

  Fuck.

  I’d only intended to give her a little encouragement, but she was too damn sexy. I unzipped my pants and freed my throbbing cock, stroking it as I watched. She lifted her head, regularly checking to see what I was doing between her heavy breaths of pleasure.

  Cara slid her hand inside her panties, occasionally moving in a way that gave me tantalizing glimpses of the slick skin there. She started pressing her fingers into herself so they made a soft, wet sound that made me want nothing more than to plunge myself inside her and feel her warm wetness pressing against my length.

  Her body tensed and her legs rolled to the side so she was curled up, fingers motionless. Quakes of pleasure ran through her for several long seconds until she finally laughed softly, then looked at me with a dangerous glint in her eyes.

  I was still hard and had my hand on myself, and I knew I wasn’t going to have the willpower to tell her not to do what she was about to do. I was only moments from coming when Cara got her long legs off the bed and walked toward me, then sank to her knees.

  She looked up at me, lips twisted suggestively, then gripped me in her small hand and took the head of my cock in her mouth.

  She felt like silk. Wet, warm, absolutely perfect fucking silk.

  I groaned, resting my head against the wall, then bending my neck again to watch her short black hair rock back and forth with the movement of her head against me.

  It could’ve only been seconds before I felt the rush of my orgasm come thundering through me. I gripped her hair, surprised to see she wasn’t pulling her mouth away from me even as I came.

  Cara waited, making sure I was finished, then I saw her swallow.

  She pulled back, wiped her mouth with a delicate fingertip, then sucked it clean and wiggled her eyebrows at me. “Do I get credit for that orgasm, or did you do all the work?”

  I chuckled. “You get extra credit.”

  “Well,” she said, hopping to her feet and giving my still-hard cock a playful bop with her palm that sent it bobbing up and down ridiculously. “That was a great start to my morning. I’ve got to get showered and go to class. Are you coming today, or are you going to make me go alone?”

  I looked at the sun streaking through her windows. “I need to rest and gather my strength. You’ll be safe, though. The others can’t even be near windows during the day.”

  She nodded. “I know. If it wasn’t safe, you wouldn’t let me do it.”

  I smiled at her but felt a pang of immense sadness in my chest. She trusted me completely and utterly. She already knew I would do anything to keep her safe, but I wondered if she knew that meant I still needed to leave when I could.

  “I will meet you at Anya’s after the sun sets.”

  “Okay,” she said. “Sounds like a date.”

  I was on the couch that smelled of cats in Anya’s basement. Cara had her eyes in a machine while the Anya woman muttered nonsense to herself and sorted through small glass vials of blood.

  I usually felt completely drained by the time we reached Cara’s internship because I had endured a full day of the sunlight by this point. Now I was uncharacteristically alert, and I decided to get up and go see what Cara was doing.

  “What do you see through those eyepieces?” I asked.

  “You want to look?” Cara asked, eyes bright and excited.

  I bit back a smile. She was cute when she talked about blood. I figured there was some amusing irony in that. I drank blood out of necessity and resented it. She willingly chose to devote her life to blood. I took blood to prolong my own existence, she hoped to use it to help others live better, longer lives.

  She really was a good person. It only reminded me that I needed to do everything I could to protect her from my world. From me.

  “Sure,” I said.

  She scooted her rolling chair to the side and let me bend down to look in the little eye-pieces.

  “See those little puffy balls? Those are red blood cells. That’s what blood looks like in a microscopic level. And see those little black spikey things?”

  I nodded.

  “Those are not supposed to be there. But ever since…” She lowered her voice, sneaking a glance toward Anya. “Ever since I drank your blood, they have been absolutely loaded in my blood. They repair damage, fight off invasive diseases and viruses. They are absolutely incredible. It’s basically like having
tiny little super-smart medical machines crawling through my blood at all times. I’ve been calling them Lucio’s,” she added a little guiltily.

  I glared. “Really?”

  “Just to myself,” she said quickly. “But they are incredible, aren’t they?”

  “Yes. It’s very interesting,” I said, and I wasn’t just patronizing her. It really was. I wondered how many of my kind knew this. I hardly knew of any vampires who so much as attempted to lead normal lives and masquerade as humans, even a hundred years ago. I imagined it would be much more difficult now. Maybe nobody had seen this or understood it for what it was. “This was why you wanted to look at my blood, I assume?”

  “Mhm,” Cara said. “See how some of the Lucio’s start shaking and then dissolve? The ones in my blood are dying. When I looked at this the first time, there were ten times as many. I guess that’s how we know the bond is almost done, right? Once there are no more Lucio’s, I won’t feel so pulled towards you.”

  “Yes,” I said. “That does make sense.”

  “Have you made any progress finding a way to distill these and use them to treat other humans?”

  Cara’s instant smile told me she’d been waiting for me to ask. “Watch this.” She scooted her chair over to a container of blood vials and a clear plastic container with a transparent fluid in it. She set both down, then put on gloves, a face shield, and a white suit. “I’d tell you to suit up, but I’m assuming you can’t get sick, right?”

  “Correct.”

  “Okay, so this is healthy human blood.” She applied a drop of the clear fluid to it. “And this is a sample of a pretty new blood disease called Palto-2. It’s mostly harmless, but it’s extremely aggressive and it fools red blood cells into taking itself on like little hitchhikers.”

  I put my eyes to the lenses and watched little globules of fuzzy material approach the red blobs. Within seconds, it clung to the sides of them and seemed to stay put.

  “Okay,” I said. “So it sticks to the cells?”

  Cara nodded. “Yep. But watch what happens if I add a modified sample of my blood to this. I spun it down and found out I could extract just plasma and the Lucio’s. And when I add that…” She took the top off the slide, dropped the new liquid on, and covered it before sliding it under the microscope again.