Kiss Kiss Fang Fang: A Sucky Vampire Romantic Comedy

by Penelope Bloom

  We had only driven a couple minutes when Lucian brought the car to a stop and nakedly got out to check the trunk for spare clothes. Alaric said something about going to make sure Vlad was okay, then sprinted off with his eye-defying vampire speed.

  When Lucian came back in the car, I had trouble not laughing at what he was wearing. He had on some sort of faded polo with a company logo on the chest and slacks that were several sizes too small. Because of his freakish good looks, he managed to make mismatched, dated clothes look like a bold fashion-forward statement, though.

  “Nice,” I said. “I think those are women’s pants.”

  “Not anymore.”

  He turned the car on and started driving.

  “Aren’t we waiting for Alaric?”

  “He’ll be fine. We need to find a place to lay low for a little while, and then we can decide what to do next.”

  Lucian’s “place to lay low” ended up being a bridge overlooking the river. He pulled the car down a gravely incline off the road and brought it to rest beside the bridge. We both got out and I took in the view of the inky water reflecting the stars overhead. The night looked cold, but I was surprised to notice that I didn’t feel it at all.

  Once we were both out of the car, Lucian began running his hands up and down my arms, then kneeling to check my legs.

  I smiled down at him. “This is the third time you’ve frisked me, you know.”

  “I’m aware,” he said. “And I would appreciate if you stopped getting involved in gunfights so I could stop checking you for bullet holes.”

  “If gunfights mean you’ll keep putting your hands on me, I may make a habit of getting into them.”

  He straightened, hands still wrapped around my waist. He tugged me a little closer until our bodies collided—my head only reaching to his chest. He hugged me then, holding me tight and rubbing my hair with one hand.

  It was tender, and I closed my eyes, leaning into it.

  “I was worried,” he said, voice rumbling from his chest straight into my ear.

  “I was, too. I thought maybe you would do something crazy like coming by yourself to rescue me and getting yourself caught in the process.”

  Lucian chuckled. “It wasn’t my finest moment of planning. But I’ve got you back.”

  “Until the next time you disappear on me, at least,” I said.

  He cupped my face, pulling me back so he could lean down and look into my eyes. His gaze was like the blackness of the sky, vast and magnetic, full of the promise of an endless eternity. “I will always protect you.”

  “I don’t just want your protection, Lucian. I want you. I want you to realize it’s more important for us to be together than it is for me to be safe.”

  “I won’t sacrifice you.”

  “It’s not your choice.” I punched my fist against his chest, frustration boiling over. “I decided to love you. Okay? That was my stupid decision. But it’s too late to hope I’ll change my mind, because I’m stubborn as hell and I’m not going to. Do you get that? I love you and your stupid fangs. I love you and your obnoxious but adorable quirks. And even when you’re trying your hardest to push me away, I still love you enough that I don’t care what happens, as long as we’re together.”

  Lucian’s nostrils flared and his eyes fell. He looked back at me and started to lean in for a kiss.

  I put my fingers on his lips, shaking my head. “No. Nope. You do not get to just kiss your way out of telling me how you feel. Because I can already see it. You’re thinking whatever you’re thinking but knowing that you’ll still try to get out of my life at the first opportunity because it’s what’s best for me.”

  His smile was slow and reluctant. “Maybe you really have begun turning into a vampire. Because you may have read my mind.”

  “It’s not hard to predict stupid.”

  Lucian let out a surprised laugh, then his expression sobered. “I learned a long time ago not to love. The more my kind care, the deeper the eventual scars run. The more we love, the more we grieve.”

  “Then you really are dead. If you’re too scared to love because you don’t want it to hurt, then you’re not living. You’re just existing. I don’t care if I am turning into a vampire or if Bennigan shows up in an hour and kills us both. I’m going to live. And that means loving you, whether you like it or not.”

  He didn’t answer at first, but his fingertips ran a goose-bump inducing path down my cheek and neck. He looked lost in thought before he finally spoke. “I care more about you than I am willing to accept. Enough that it frightens me. Enough that I don’t know what limits I wouldn’t push past or what barriers I wouldn’t break. You’ve become my everything, and the thought of someone taking you away or hurting you is too much to bear.”

  “Then let me promise you something. If you ever think about disappearing on me again or doing the honorable thing and leaving, I will recklessly come looking for you. I’ll turn over every rock and ask every vampire where you are until I’m in so much more danger because you left than I ever would’ve been if you stayed.”

  He searched my eyes, then a half smile formed on his lips. “You mean every word of that, don’t you?”

  “All you have to do is look at what happened the first time you tried leaving. I went and turned myself into a vampire and got kidnapped within twenty-four hours. Imagine if you try it again.”

  Lucian nodded, smiling. “Then I have no choice. I do love you, Cara. More than I can understand. And it seems as though you’ve checkmated me.”

  I chewed my lip. “You promise to stop trying to run away from me?”

  “I promise to stay right here. Loving you. Protecting you. For as long as we have.”

  “That’s the sweetest thing a guy wearing women’s pants has ever told me.”

  Lucian smirked, then hiked up his tight-fitting pants. “Maybe we’d both be more comfortable if I took these off.”

  I arched an eyebrow. “The backseat of that car was pretty spacious.”

  “I also noticed that.”

  36

  Lucian

  I kissed Cara, backing her toward the car as I awkwardly tried to free myself of the ill-fitting clothes. As much as her physical presence was all-consuming, I still felt the rush of excitement from our conversation—from telling her the truth and feeling her rip away my last thread of resistance.

  She was right.

  The only way to keep her safe was to stay.

  She would put herself in more danger if I tried to do the honorable thing and leave.

  It meant there were no more barriers. No more reasons I couldn’t be with her in every way. And there was no denying what had happened to her. She may not be ready to hear it yet, but I could smell it on her and sense it through the bond, which had begun transforming, just like she had.

  Cara was already one of my kind.

  I lifted her shirt over her head, then pushed her into the backseat of the car because nobody but me got to lay eyes on her body. I was relatively sure we were alone, but I wasn’t taking any chances.

  I tugged the door shut behind me, then finished undressing her and peeling off her small blue panties and red bra.

  “I would’ve made sure they matched if I knew we were gonna fang,” she said.

  I laughed. “Please don’t call it fanging.”

  “Oh, it’s done and decided. Vampire sex will henceforth be known as fanging. All applicable euphemisms of the word ‘fang’ will be used with extreme prejudice.”

  I stripped out of my shirt, deciding we could argue about the minor details later. Cara Skies was completely naked, lying on her back, and waiting. Those horrible clothes were removed from myself, and there finally wasn’t a single thing standing between us from doing exactly what we’d been wanting to do since our first day together.

  I hooked my arms underneath her knees and tugged her toward me, making her lay completely flat on the backseat. There wasn’t limitless room to work with, which meant I was bending my
neck and positioned on one knee while she had to keep her legs bent. But complaining would’ve made as much sense as a starving man saying there wasn’t enough salt on his steak.

  I lifted Cara’s leg, kissing from her ankle up to her sensitive inner thighs, which drew blushing giggles from her.

  I kissed everywhere, feeling myself slip into what felt like an automatic state of consciousness. I’d deprived myself of her for so long that I no longer felt in control. She was here, and I was going to take every inch of her.

  I buried my face between her legs, kissing and teasing moans from her with my tongue. I greedily explored her body with my hands while I worked, eventually sliding fingers inside her tight entrance.

  But Cara started tugging me up by the shoulders before long. “I want you inside me,” she breathed. “Please.”

  I’d planned to plant a kiss on every part of her body—to savor these moments like they could be our last. But there was a desperate sort of need in her eyes that was both impossible to ignore and agonizingly sexy.

  I pushed one of her legs open wider and positioned myself above her, lowering my mouth to hers to steal a few kisses while I used my hips to slide my length between her legs. I didn’t try to press it inside her at first, enjoying the anticipation of feeling her radiating heat and slick skin against mine.

  She rocked her hips upward, gasping into my mouth. Cara slid her hands down my back, fingernails digging into skin until she found my ass and squeezed, pulling me in closer.

  All I could think about was how long it had been.

  How long since I’d felt anything close to contentment. Happiness. Satisfaction.

  They had begun to seem like imaginary things I’d created from my imagination—dream-like figments of a life that was as old as ash.

  But I felt it all booming through me with enough force to make my breaths shallow and my head feel light.

  I was happy.

  Centuries ago, Dominic Undergrove had taken the joy of sunlight from my life. Even now, I could experience the sun, but not without the constant, fatiguing reminder that it was no longer for me. None of it was. I was resigned to the shadows and to a second, lesser life.

  Except Cara had given me back the light.

  She was my light.

  37

  Cara

  Lucian was huge in the cramped backseat of the car. My field of view was dominated by chiseled arms planted on either side of me, his broad shoulders flexing with the effort of holding up his large frame, and a rack of abs that disappeared into the shadow between our bodies.

  His eyes were locked on me when I gripped his firm ass with both hands. It drew the faintest of smirks from him.

  I pulled him toward me and felt his cock—which he’d been teasing me with—find my entrance and slide in.

  I gasped. I’d been watching everything, transfixed, but the feeling of him inside me made me press my head back into the seat and squeeze my eyes shut. I could hear his breathing above me, slow, steady, but growing more rapid.

  He eased himself into me like he was worried he might break me. I could imagine what he would be thinking right now. I must not impale the tiny human with my huge, supernatural cock. She will only be able to handle a little at a time.

  I gripped his ass again and jerked him toward me, forcing his cock to bury itself in me until there was nothing left.

  My eyes flashed open and my mouth gaped.

  Lucian let out a surprised moan in my ear, then lowered his chest over me and started doing his work. He moved so smoothly it didn’t seem real, like his hips were perfectly oiled machines made for this purpose.

  It was only seconds before I wasn’t able to hold in the sounds escaping my mouth.

  And then the strangest thing happened.

  The bond always felt a little like being half of a pair of magnets. All it wanted was for us to get close enough to click together—to be joined. That feeling within me started to ramp up in intensity until something inside my head did click.

  In a confusing blur of sensations, I felt myself plunging into something warm, wet, and perfectly tight. But at the same time, I felt his velvety length pressing against my walls, stretching me and filling me to the brim.

  I felt the softness of a breast and a hardened nipple against my calloused palm as well as the broad rippled of muscle across his back that my hand was sliding across.

  I felt everything.

  I felt what he was feeling and what I was feeling.

  The realization only had about a second to settle in before the most explosive orgasm of my life burst from the depths of my soul, setting my whole body to shaking. I hugged my arms around his back like I had to hang on to keep from being swept away by its force. At the same time, I felt a blissful release and the sense of something pulsing between my legs. I felt each throb of his cock at the same time I felt his ejaculation land warm and wet across my stomach and breasts.

  I blinked rapidly, still riding out the last of the mind-numbing orgasm as the dual sensations started to fade. Little by little, I was just me again, and I could more clearly tell what the hell was going on.

  Lucian was on his knees and he just came all over me.

  I had been holding my head up to look at him, but I let it flop back down. “What the hell was that?” I asked.

  “It’s semen. If I release it inside your pussy, there’s a chance it will create a vampire baby.”

  I lifted my head again to make sure he could see me rolling my eyes. “I mean the other thing.”

  He grinned knowingly. “That’s the nature of the bond. What we did seals the connection. It’s a sort of sharing of sensation, but it won’t usually be perceptible unless we’re sleeping together.”

  I shook my head. “That was weird, but amazing.”

  He found a towel and carefully cleaned me up. I enjoyed the silent minute or two of his care almost as much as I’d just enjoyed my first experience with supernatural sex. He ran the cloth across me carefully, rubbing the spot with his fingers when he was done as if making sure he’d got me completely clean. Although the amount of time he spent on my breasts made me suspect this little ritual wasn’t purely for my sake.

  I grinned sleepily. “That feels good.”

  “You’re magnificent,” he said quietly. “I’ve lived a very long time, and no woman has ever captivated me like you do.”

  “You’re just saying that because you were inside my pussy.” I paused, then felt my smile widen. “In more ways than one.”

  Lucian chuckled. “I’m saying that because you’ve given me something I thought I would never have again. I won’t lie. I still feel conflict over the choice to put you in danger by staying. But selfishly, I’m glad you’ve taken away the choice from me. I want this. I don’t know how I would’ve gone on watching you grow apart from me.”

  “You don’t need to know,” I said, reaching up and pulling him in for a kiss. “Because I’m not going anywhere. Unless you make me. And I’m a vampire now, right? So that means I won’t be as easy to get rid of. I’ll bite you or something.”

  “I suppose you are. Especially now that we’ve done what we just did.”

  “Yeah,” I said, play biting his chin. “So don’t cross me.”

  “I wouldn’t dare.”

  I think we both knew danger was still out there—still planning to come for us before we could really rest—but neither of us seemed to want to be the first to move.

  I dozed off with his naked body on top of mine, relishing the comfort of his weight on top of me and his breath against my neck.

  When I woke, he was dressed again and my clothes were laid over me to keep me covered, but my stomach was cramping angrily. “Uh,” I said, trying to make sence of my surroundings. It was still dark, but I sensed that some time had passed, and Lucian was sitting up like he was keeping watch. “I think I’m hungry.” My stomach let out another low, keening groan. “I’m really hungry.”

  Lucian nodded. “You may need human food
, or…”

  “Let’s test the human food theory first.”

  He got out of the car and slid into the driver’s seat. “Is there any place you like that’s open this late?”

  38

  Lucian

  We were in a horrible, mustard colored diner with depressed employees wearing ridiculous uniforms. They had on white, crinkly paper hats and frocks. A sweaty man with as much knuckle hair as Vlad was pushing eggs around on a cooktop and occasionally mopping his forehead with the back of his hand.

  “You’re sure this is where you want to eat?” I asked Cara as we were led to a table and sat down.

  “Where’d you find this absolute snack, girl?” Our waitress asked as she sway-walked us to our table. She looked like she was in her mid-forties and was the proud owner of a literal tower of tightly curled red hair. She ran her eyes up and down me as she abused a piece of gum, rolling it between yellowing teeth and cherry-red lips.

  “Huh?” Cara said.

  The waitress poked me. “He’s yummy. Y’all ever swing? ‘Cause I got this guy I kind of hook up with named Clint. I’d share if you will. He’s got a prosthetic leg, but what he lacks in the leg department he makes up for in the—”

  “What?” Cara said. “No.” She hesitated, then shook her head more firmly. “No. We’re just here for food.”

  The waitress gave me one last lingering look, then sighed. “I gotta grab a smoke. I’ll be back in ten.” Without waiting for a response, the woman huffed off.

  “There aren’t many places open this late. It’s like three in the morning,” Cara said. “Besides, waffles and pancakes sound perfect right now.”

  She lifted the menu and started scanning it. I’d hardly been away from her, but I was struck by how much I’d missed her. I’d missed those thick eyelashes and the delicately curved nose. I missed the big eyes and her tendency to flash shy half smiles, as if she was never quite sure if it was okay to be amused.