Kiss Kiss Fang Fang: A Sucky Vampire Romantic Comedy

by Penelope Bloom

  I found myself marveling as I watched her drag her short finger down the menu, chewing her lip in thought. She’d occasionally stop on an item, roll her head from side to side as she debated, and then move on. By the time she was done, she had several fingers splayed out as if holding all the items she was considering for one last final review.

  Cara was an injection of color. Of life. She was a constant, mostly painful reminder to me of what I’d left behind. Cara was so full of life and energy that I couldn’t help being taken back to those days when I was a young man with no idea what the future held for me.

  Letting her go had been like getting turned all over again. Now that I had her back, I couldn’t quite believe I’d done what I did. I left her. I walked away from the most perfect thing I’d ever been given in my miserable life. All I could do was be glad she was so magnificently stubborn and refused to be walked away from.

  “What?” she asked, tucking some of her silky black hair behind her ear. They were slightly big ears, which I found I enjoyed. She was showing that half smile of hers as her eyes self-consciously darted from the menu to me and back again.

  “I was just thinking how glad I am that you’re obstinate and stubborn.”

  She squinted. “That doesn’t sound like a good thing.”

  “You’re strong. And we’ll need that strength to make it through what’s coming.”

  Cara smiled a little. “You really think they’ll still keep trying?”

  “Yes. And we’ll likely have to fight them off again. But I think the time for half-measures is done. This may only end if Bennigan does.”

  “I mean, if we’re being technical here… You haven’t really fought at all. It’s more like you valiantly run away with me in your arms while Vlad and Alaric do the dirty work. Not that I’m complaining, of course. You still get macho points for charging in by yourself like an idiot tonight.”

  “Bennigan is still alive because I didn’t want to start an all-out war. Killing him might. But I’m not even sure if there’s enough of The Order left to wage war against. The truth may be it’s only us at risk. Bennigan wants us dead if we run, and he’ll want us dead if we fight. So we might as well fight.”

  “What if we just left the country? I’m not sure I’m actually ready for that, but I mean… Is there some kind of vampire trick he’d use to find us?”

  “He’ll have connections. Bennigan is old, and he has many friends. The only thing working in our favor is that he is the only one with a personal grudge against us. If we removed him from the equation, his allies might not care enough to pursue the grudge.”

  Cara let out a long sigh, then looked back at the menu. “Well, all this talk of killing evil vampires is reminding me how hungry I am. Where is that stupid waitress?”

  “Do you think you could fix this? Using your knowledge of blood,” I added. “Maybe there would be a way you could find a way to stop the transformation, or even reverse it.”

  “You think you can fix making yourself a vampire?”

  “I don’t know,” I said. “But you know so much about blood. Maybe you could find a way.”

  She looked thoughtful. “There was this one sample of blood that kept reacting strange with the black spikey things in my blood. It was like they didn’t go anywhere, but it kind of made them seem to go dormant.”

  “Meaning?”

  She shrugged. “Meaning I want to eat some pancakes, and then I’ll think more about it.” Cara gave me an adorable wink, then got up from the table with the menu in her hand.

  When the waitress finally brought her food out, Cara started to eat. A few bites in, she started chewing more slowly and got a worried look in her eyes. “Lucian,” she said, mouth full.

  “What is it?”

  “This doesn’t taste right.”

  I glanced at the hairy, sweaty man who was cooking everything. “I’m not surprised. This place is a cesspool.”

  “No, like—” She put her fist over her mouth. “Just a sec.” Cara rushed over to the nearest trash can and violently threw up, drawing disgusted looks from nearby tables. “I’m still starving,” she said, sinking back into her seat. She looked pale and sweaty.

  “I feared this would happen. Then you’re already craving blood. You won’t be able to keep down human food until you get some fresh blood in your system.”

  She shook her head, laughing. “Lucian. I am not going to go bite somebody. I mean, do you guys have like teeth condoms or something? What if I get a disease?”

  “We don’t get diseases.”

  We.

  I tried to keep my expression neutral because I didn’t want to scare her, but my heart was thudding in my chest. I hadn’t had enough time to fully grasp the gravity of what had happened.

  Cara was becoming a vampire.

  I’d known it as soon as I caught her scent, but that knowing hadn’t come all at once. It came as little pieces I wasn’t ready to put together—pieces I’d deliberately kept apart until the number grew so overwhelming that it all clicked into a crystal-clear image.

  But maybe she could fix it. I decided to cling to that instead of facing the other option. I could still have her if she was human. I could watch her grow old and die happy, never having to know what it meant to live an eternity in the dark with me.

  “Come on,” I said.

  We got up just as Vlad and Alaric burst through the door. Unfortunately. Vlad was once again naked. He was also spattered with blood—some of which appeared to be his own. He roared like an ancient king coming to the feast hall after a battle.

  “Where’s my fookin’ apple juice, wench!” he demanded, laughing deeply at himself as he waddled toward the counter and took a cup from a startled looking homeless man. Vlad drained the cup, swished it around his mouth, then spit it violently all over the floor. “Gah! Delicious.”

  “Sir, you can’t be naked in here. You have to at least wear pants.” The woman speaking looked like she was only halfway sure she wanted to confront Vlad. She was behind the counter with her head slightly ducked and her shoulders slouched.

  “Aye? Well bring me some fookin’ britches then!”

  Vlad had a tendency to switch his accents depending on his mood. Given how long he’d lived, I suspected he was calling up previous lives he’d lived when he did. Either that, or he’d lost his mind long ago. I supposed both were just as likely, or maybe no different.

  I pulled Alaric aside while Vlad caused terror and began talking a homeless man out of his jacket. Vlad stuck his meaty legs through the arm holes and zipped the whole thing on upside down so his belly bulged over the top of it. Thankfully, his hairy ass was now hidden from view. This apparently brought the sight of him down to a level the establishment was equipped to handle, because everybody resumed business as usual once Vlad’s cock and ass were put away.

  “Did he kill anyone?” I asked Alaric.

  “No, but he bit off one of Leah’s arms,” he said with a wicked smile.

  “When he was a bat?” I asked.

  “No. Just naked Vlad, apparently.”

  Cara looked like she wanted to ask several questions, but she stayed quiet. I imagined she had plenty on her mind at the moment without trying to visualize what Alaric was describing better.

  “Any sign of the fourth person Cara mentioned?”

  “Yes. And you’re not going to like who it was.”

  “Okay?” I said.

  “It was Dominic.”

  I stared. I felt my stomach seize into a tight fist and my mind immediately start racing as it tried to connect the dots to figure out how that was possible. “You’re sure?”

  Alaric nodded. “Yep.”

  Cara looked up at me. “Wait. The same Dominic who turned you? What does this mean?”

  “It means the stories that he’d been dead for centuries were exaggerated,” I said. “Greatly exaggerated.”

  Alaric leaned in toward Cara. “It also means him showing up and helping somebody who wants to fuck
us over is a mighty fine mystery. Also, a mighty big problem, given that this fucker is old as rocks.”

  Alaric was right. Dominic and I had never been on great terms to start, and at the time he disappeared, they’d been downright hostile. If he was still around, it meant I had bigger problems to worry about than Bennigan. Bigger, much more capable problems.

  “Me and Cara need to go. Now.”

  Alaric shrugged. “Watch your backs. Vlad said he’s going to power nap and ‘poke some virgins.’ That means he won’t be around to save your ass if you get captured again.”

  I sighed. I’d need to check in on Vlad and make sure he wasn’t planning to go on a murderous rampage, but that could come once I had helped Cara feed.

  39

  Cara

  I sat with Lucian at a seedy bar that served barbeque pork sandwiches on sugary doughnuts instead of buns. As weirdly delicious as those usually were, I couldn’t stomach the idea of eating one. I found myself looking around at everybody’s neck like it was a jumbo-sized candy bar.

  My gaze would fixate on a vein until I swore I could see it pulsing. Until I could practically feel the warm rush that would fill my mouth if I just…

  Ugh.

  I rubbed at my eyes and shook my head a little. “What happens if I just don’t feed?” I asked.

  “You will die. First, you’ll go into a sort of hibernation. Then you will waste away.”

  “Wonderful.” I tapped my canine tooth, noting that it felt just as nubby and round as usual. No peculiar sharpness. I briefly considered that maybe Lucian was mistaken. After all, I was going to go out on a limb and assume I would be the first lab grown vampire he’d ever encountered. What if that meant the rules were different for me? Or what if I just needed to wait a little bit until the little black specks in my blood went dormant and died?

  My stomach gurgled like the traitor it was.

  “So what are we going to do?” I asked.

  Lucian looked around the room discreetly.

  “We find you someone to feed on. A woman. I don’t want your mouth on another man’s neck.”

  I raised an eyebrow. “You fed on two women in front of me. Aren’t we being a little hypocritical?”

  “No,” he said. “Maybe. But I get to make the rules, because you need me to wipe their memory, so I am picking the mark.”

  I rolled my eyes but couldn’t help smiling. “How do you know I couldn’t use my freshly made vampire powers to wipe their memories?”

  He grinned. “That’s something I’ll need to teach you. For now, you need me.”

  I gave him a goofy smile, then hugged his arm. “That’s not all I need from you.”

  Lucian chuckled, then lowered his voice, leaning closer. “What else do you need from me?”

  “Various things,” I said, feeling my embarrassment rise.

  “Such as?”

  “More of what we did in the back seat of that car. More of you. A lot more.” I laughed a little to myself. “Maybe I’m supposed to be coy, but I don’t want to. I just want to tell you how much you mean to me every chance I get.”

  Lucian’s gaze was deadly serious. He put his hands on my arms, thumbs running idle circles that gave me goosebumps while he stared into my eyes. “You’re sure you want this?”

  I met his eyes, nodding. “I’ve never been more sure of anything. I love you. I don’t care if that’s a death sentence or if you don’t think I should. It’s how I feel, and I’m not going to—”

  “I love you too. Even though I wish I didn’t.”

  I gave his shoulder a little punch. “Well, you better learn to accept it, because you’re stuck with me.” I poked my canines again, making sure they hadn’t gone all pointy on me. “Maybe for eternity if Bennigan doesn’t manage to off us.”

  “I could imagine worse ways to spend eternity.” Lucian looked down, then his face grew serious. “It’s time I told you exactly what we’re really up against.”

  “You mean I’m in the vampire club now and get to know all the secrets?”

  “As much as we have time to discuss before I need to get food in you.”

  “Okay…”

  “Dominic isn’t just any vampire. For hundreds of years, he was the reason The Order was able to enforce The Pact. Nobody could oppose him.”

  “Why?”

  “Some believed he was the original vampire. The first and the oldest. The most powerful by far. But just a few years after turning me, he vanished. Before long, there was a list of those who claimed to have been the ones to kill him, including Bennigan. I thought it was ridiculous, but decades and then centuries passed and he never returned. The Order managed to enforce The Pact without him, but just barely.”

  “Wait,” I said. “I thought Alaric and Seraphina were your sort of vampire family, right? If you’re older than them and Dominic disappeared right after he turned you—”

  “I turned them. But that’s a story for another day.”

  “So if you turned me, does that mean in the vampire world… you’re like my dad and we just fanged in the back of a car?”

  “No,” he said. “It’s not that sort of family. It’s more like a clan, and vampires within clans date and marry often. Also, I technically wasn’t the one who turned you. I bonded you, but you are unique. You turned yourself. Somehow.”

  “That’s a relief. I definitely wasn’t going to start calling you daddy.”

  Lucian grinned. “A shame.”

  I smiled back, then frowned while I thought over what he’d said so far. “So the original vampire was the one who turned you? Why did he do it?”

  “Do you recall when I said there was another way to turn a vampire? A ritual?”

  I nodded. “Vaguely.”

  “I was supposed to be a sacrifice to him. He would feed on my life force and make himself grow stronger. These things were unfortunately commonplace in the past. But the process involves turning the sacrifice briefly before the execution, and he didn’t anticipate how strong my ability to heal would be. Imagine his surprise when I walked away from the sacrificial stone the following morning.”

  Lucian’s grin was wicked, but there was a twinge of sadness there, too.

  “What did you do after that?”

  “What could I do? I wasn’t strong enough to day walk for nearly a century after that, and I only discovered I could when an enemy of mine tied me and left me in the sun to die. Dominic wanted nothing to do with me. He pointed me in the direction of The Order, and I’ve been devoted to it ever since.”

  “What about your family? Did they know what happened?”

  “I watched them grow old and die, along with everyone else I ever cared about. Just like you will if you don’t find a way to undo this.”

  I swallowed. My throat had gone suddenly dry. It was one thing to hear an immortal being talk about these sorts of things when I thought I’d never have to personally face them. Now I tried to imagine checking in on Zack, Niles, Mooney, and Parker as they ribbed one another at the old folk’s home sixty years from now. I thought about my parents passing and looking around one day to realize nobody who knew the real me was left.

  But the catch was I’d still get to have Lucian. Maybe I wouldn’t be able to undo what had been done, but at least I’d have him.

  “I’ll try,” I said. “But as much as it feels weird to say this, I think you really need to find me someone to drink from. I feel like I’m about to pass out.”

  It was only ten minutes before Lucian had lured a woman from the bar outside and down to the historic part of town. The three of us discreetly went into an old hollowed out section of the wall encased in brick. The woman laughed nervously.

  She had the sort of long, acrylic nails that made me seriously question her ability to perform basic hygiene tasks like wiping herself. She also jingled with every movement because of the excessive amount of jewelry she wore. “It’s dark here,” she said.

  “Forget,” Lucian commanded in a hypnotic voice. “Be
still.”

  The woman slumped against his arms. He gestured for me to come closer, then pushed her hair away from her neck and let her head lull to the side.

  “Do what feels natural,” he said.

  The strangest tingling sensation started to spread in my mouth. It was oddly pleasant, and I felt a swelling beneath my teeth. Then two points were pressing against my lower lip.

  In disbelief, I raised my hand and touched my sharp, elongated canines. I was lightheaded with hunger but couldn’t stop myself from thinking how completely insane this was. I looked up at Lucian, trying to smile and feeling ridiculous with my protruding teeth. “Do I look hot?” I asked, struggling to talk around the large teeth.

  Lucian gave me a suffering, but adoring look, showing his dimple when he smiled. “You look wonderful. Now please stop playing with your teeth and feed.”

  I gulped, stepping closer to the woman. “It won’t hurt her?”

  “She won’t remember a thing.”

  I took a deep breath, then lowered my mouth toward her neck. It all felt wrong in so many ways. For starters, crazy nails or no nails, I had no idea if this woman even showered. What if she never washed her neck? Or what if her boyfriend had just slobbered all over it before she got to the bar?

  I paused. “Do you carry any wet wipes to clean it off before, or—”

  “Cara,” Lucian said in a deep rumble. “You are immune to sickness and disease. You will be fine. Now feed.”

  I closed my eyes and opened my mouth, fighting the natural instinct not to bite a random ass stranger in a darkened corner of the city. I felt my teeth punch through skin and then the blood spurted into my mouth like I’d just bitten into a grape. If grapes were full of blood that tasted nothing like blood was supposed to taste, that was.

  I nearly fell back at how good it felt.

  Silky, rich waves of her blood filled my mouth and it was better than any meal I’d ever had. Each drop seemed to make me swell with boundless energy and a sort of buzzing, internal electricity.