NO LONGER MINE

by Shiloh Walker

  Just looking at him made her mouth go dry.

  And he wasn’t helping, as he cocked his head and studied her with hot eyes. Eyes that studied her flushed face and trailed down her neck to focus on her shirtfront, where her nipples thrust against the sturdy cotton. The corner of his mouth quirked up in a slight smile as Wade added, “Especially considering your body would like nothing more than for me to come over there and finish what we started.”

  “What you started.”

  “I wasn’t alone in that, Nikki. I wasn’t kissing myself,” he drawled, scratching his chin. “One of us just climaxed and it certainly wasn’t me.”

  “It won’t happen again,” she said, clenching her jaw.

  “Why not?”

  “Because I won’t let it,” she answered, her chin raising.

  “Why won’t you let it?”

  “Because it isn’t going to change anything. I’m happy with my life the way it is and I don’t want you in it”

  “You know something, Nik? I look at you and get the feeling that you’ve forgotten what it’s like to be happy We were happy together once, Nikki,” Wade reminded. His heavy lidded eyes and long smoldering look reminded her of things long past, but hardly forgotten. “Do you remember that? There was a time we all we needed was each other to be perfectly satisfied with life.”

  “That was before I figured out what real life is, Wade,” she said coldly, dredging the memory of long nights spent alone. Of a stormy day when she had lost everything. Of rainy days in which she prayed to forget. And of a tiny little grave twenty miles away.

  The backlash of pain that filled nearly knocked her to her knees. She had lost everything that had mattered. She couldn’t let anything matter again. She’d never survive if she lost it all again.

  Speaking of it, thinking of it, was like opening a floodgate. Nikki had refused to let herself think of it, bottling it all up inside, and now, it was ready to be set free. If she couldn’t control the pain, then she would use it.

  Harshly, Nikki said, “You don’t know what you did to me. You destroyed me. You tore out my heart and soul and I still haven’t recovered from it.” The pain spread throughout her entire body, leaving her weak and trembling, throat tight, hands shaking from the raging emotions.

  “Nikki—”

  “Don’t say anything, not a single thing, to me, Wade. There is nothing you can say that could make up for what I lost. You can’t even begin to comprehend what I lost. But even if you could,” she whispered, dashing away tears that leaked over. “It would change nothing. Nothing would ever make up for it.”

  “I want the chance to try.”

  She started. She hadn’t even realized that he had come closer until she felt his hand resting on her shoulder.

  “Talk to me,” he whispered, cajoled. “Tell me.”

  Tell him?

  Tell him?

  She shouldn’t have to tell him, he should already know, because he should have been there with her when it happened. I shouldn’t have had to go through that alone. But she couldn’t tell him that. He would have no clue as to what she was talking about.

  Closing her eyes, Nikki shook her head. “There’s nothing to tell, Wade. You told me all in glorious detail five years ago. If you can’t figure out what’s wrong, then you have something seriously wrong with you.”

  “Don’t give me that,” he rasped, shaking her gently. “I know you. I know you inside and out, remember?” His voice dropped, intensified. “I know you love me. I know that you want me.”

  “Wrong. I don’t want this! My body might, but I don’t. I will never want it.” Shrugging his hands away, wrapping her arms around herself, Nikki turned and stared out over her land. Then she closed her eyes. “I don’t ever want to care about anybody like I cared for you; I don’t ever want to love again. Those kind of emotions give others power over you. The power to destroy. Like you destroyed me.”

  Wade’s hands froze in the act of reaching for her, to draw her back agai­nst him, but the honestly and the pain in her words pierced his heart and left him bleeding inside. His hands clenched impotently into fists as they fell to his sides, empty still.

  Looking at him over her shoulder, her eyes so empty and so lifeless, Nikki swallowed and spoke around the knot in her throat. “Go out of my house, Wade. Off my property and don’t come back.”

  She heard him sigh. Heard him leave the room. As the door shut gently, Nikki closed her eyes against a fresh onslaught of tears.

  It took every last bit of strength she had left in her not to reach out to him.

  Chapter Six

  Wade sat on the couch, a can of lukewarm beer forgotten in his grasp.

  Haunted eyes, so full of pain, were tearing at him. Nikki had looked at him as though he had cut her heart out. And he knew he had. But it had been so long ago. He hadn’t imagined the pain would still be so fresh. He hadn’t bargained on seeing that agony in her eyes.

  The girl Wade had known had been tough, smart, and so full of pride, almost arrogant; she would never have let him do this to her. Nothing Wade or anybody else had done could have put that look of hopelessness and despair in her eyes.

  Nikki had always been so strong, so self-assured. He had figured after a little time had passed, she would have decided, Screw him. He isn’t worth it, and would have gotten on with her life.

  Wade hadn’t expected to find her closed up in her extravagant house on the hill, shut away for everybody but her father and brothers.

  And he couldn’t get over the feeling that she wasn’t sharing it all with him.

  There was a time when she had told him everything, when they had tried to solve their problems together.

  Nikki didn’t want that any more.

  But Wade had a feeling that was what she needed.

  She had to let the past go, because it was destroying her. Even if in the end, nothing else came of it, Wade had to try to get her to let it go. He owed her that much.

  The darkened room hid the misery in his eyes as he replayed her words over in his mind.

  Haven’t you done enough?

  You destroyed me.

  I still haven’t recovered.

  You have no idea what you did to me.

  Yeah, he did. He had ruined her life. Raising his beer in silent salute, Wade toasted himself and his ability to destroy the lives of women he cared for.

  Jamie lay cold in the ground for nearly three years now.

  Nikki had given up on her dreams. She might be the writer she had always dreamed of being, but it hadn’t made her happy. Nothing seemed to really make her happy. And he was the cause of it.

  Even more guilt to pile on his conscience.

  No wonder he couldn’t sleep at night.

  However, he sure as hell wasn’t giving up.

  ***

  Nikki now understood what it felt like to be stalked. Every place she went, he was there. Church. The bookstore. The library. The gas station. Wade and his beautiful sweet little girl that make her heart ache every time Nikki saw her. She pulled into the grocery store lot and prayed she would get in and out before he tracked her down there. Again.

  Of course, five minutes later, she would have been happy even with Wade’s company.

  “Dinner, Miss Kline?” David Ellis repeated, walking far too close for her comfort. His overpowering cologne was making her slightly queasy, her head already ached, and the feel of his cold dry hand on her elbow made her skin crawl.

  Elbowing him in the gut, she sidestepped him and went around as she snapped, “How many times can I possibly tell that I’m not interested?”

  He smoothed a hand down his tie and gave her a look that clearly said, how could you not be interested? His smile was big, white, almost blinding in its in intensity. It was also the most phony thing she had seen since the ‘diamond’ necklace Shawn had once give her as a gag gift.

  “Nicole, all I want to is to take you out to dinner, just a few hours of your time, some conversation. Noth
ing much. Just a nice quiet evening.’

  “And top it off with a night of rowdy sex?” she asked dryly, rolling her eyes.

  Before he could respond, she walked away. “I’ve more interest in dating a toad than you. Get the point?”

  His answer was lost when he stumbled into a display of ice cream cones, sending them crashing to the floor. Nikki left him smooth talking the irate stock girl, heading down the frozen food section.

  From the frying pan into the fire, she thought morosely as she ran head long in Wade. Her voice was flat, expressing her irritation as she asked, “Are you following me?”

  Before he could answer, Abby announced, “He saw your truck. And then he remembered he needed some food to fix tonight.”

  Wade clapped a hand over his daughter’s mouth and the decency to look sheepish.

  Nikki took a deep breath, counted to ten and pushed past him. She offered Abby a small smile and asked, “How are you doing, Miss Abby?”

  “Okay,” Abby answered, smiling brightly. Then her brow furrowed and she cocked her head. “Do you know Daddy talks about you when he sleeps?”

  Amused, Nikki turned her eyes to find Wade blushing a deep shade of red. “Oh, does he now?” she asked, chuckling as she added a gallon of milk to her basket.

  “Honey, do you know how to be quiet?” Wade asked, shifting from one foot to the other.

  Abby looked up at him and shrugged. “It’s true. I came into your room last night after I had the bad dream.” Flashing Nikki a sweet smile, she added, “Daddy is real good at keeping the bad dreams away. I climbed up into bed and you were tossing and turning all over. Then you made a funny sound and said ‘Nikki’ real funny like.” Her face puckered in a frown as she asked, “Were you having a nightmare, Daddy? You sounded awful funny.”

  The painful red blush staining his lean cheeks left no doubt in her mind what kind of dream he had been having.

  “Talking in your sleep can be real enlightening, Wade,” Nikki said. Her eyes danced in amusement as his obvious discomfort. “All sorts of interest­ing secrets slip out.”

  His lids lowered and the discomfort was suddenly Nikki’s as he whis­pered, “Hardly a secret.” Abby had spotted a friend from daycare and was waving at her from across the aisle. While she was distracted, his eyes burned into hers, telling her exactly what kind of dreams he had been having.

  Mouth dry, heart pounding, Nikki looked away. She knew what kind of dreams he was having, the same kind she had been having off and on for weeks now and lately, dreams that left her so empty and aching that even taking a shower or laying down nude on the bed intensified the need until she felt ready to shatter.

  Giving up the pretense of shopping now that he had her attention, Wade abandoned the empty cart and scooped his daughter up into his arms. She waved goodbye to her friend before smiling over at Nikki. “We’re having ‘sagna tonight. Wanna eat with us?”

  “Ah…”

  “Why don’t you, Nik?” Wade asked, grinning at her. “I can tell you about my dreams. You can tell me all about yours.”

  Nikki’s face flushed as she headed for the checkout line. And she stifled the urge to laugh when Abby offered, “I dream about being an ‘astr’naut and flying in space. And having a dog,” Stroking the stuffed dog she carried everywhere, she added, “A real dog, not a stuffed one.”

  Abby’s eyes were gleaming with a hopeful light as she said, “We had to leave my dog back at my old home. He was my grandma’s dog really.”

  “What do you say, Nikki? Dinner?” As he spoke, Wade moved to help unload the groceries, and he took the opportunity to whisper in her ear, “We could see about making those dreams a reality.” His hand reached out and traced the line of her throat and he smiled slowly as goosebumps raced down her arms, followed by a rush of heat through her middle.

  To her horror, her nipples tightened and pressed against the silk of her camp shirt. And he noticed. His eyes locked briefly with her before traveling to the evidence that she was hardly immune to him. They darkened and she heard a deep intake of breath, but she didn’t know if it was his or hers.

  Shaken, Nikki backed away. Right into David Ellis. Now the goosebumps returned for a totally different reason. “Nicole, you forgot all about me back there,” David drawled as she moved to extricate herself from his hands. “Did you run into a friend of your brothers?”

  “Actually, I’m a friend of Nikki’s,” Wade corrected, straightening and meeting the taller man’s eyes without blinking. “I was trying to talk her into joining us for supper”

  “Well, I’m sorry to ruin your plans, but she’s made arrangements for dinner with me,” Ellis lied smoothly, dismissing the darker skinned causally dressed man.

  Nikki took a deep breath and moved up to the cash register to pay for her groceries. She smiled distractedly down at Abby as the little girl asked, “Who’s he?”

  “Nobody, honey,” Nikki said.

  “If he’s nobody, why are you eating with him instead of us?”

  With gritted teeth, she handed over money and accepted the receipt before she moved to push her cart away. Behind her, the two men were glaring at each other, blocking the aisle as others tried to pay for their food.

  Nikki closed her eyes and reached for patience as the two men moved out of the aisle, practically circling each other like a couple of dogs. “I’m not having dinner with him, Abby,” she said, loudly, drawing attention her way. “Apparently, the man has lost his mind because I never did, and never would, agree to dinner with him. I’d rather eat with a cannibal than with that man.”

  Large blue tinted eyes narrowed on her as she nudged Abby toward her father. “And I can’t eat with you tonight, Wade. I’ve got things to do to­night.” Flashing a brilliant smile at him, she added, “Like wash my hair. File my nails. Wax the floors. But you two enjoy.” She waggled her fingers at them cheerfully.

  And then she stormed out of the store, leaving Ellis red faced and trying to gather his dignity.

  Behind her, Abby stared up at her dad forlornly as she asked, “Daddy, doesn’t she like us?”

  “I think maybe she likes us more than she wants to, baby. She just doesn’t know it yet,” Wade said, dropping a kiss on her head. “Let’s go home.”

  * * *

  The screen was starting to blur before her eyes. Daire hadn’t had an adventure in weeks. Each time Nikki got a page written, which wasn’t very often, she would barely glance at it before trashing it.

  “Concentrate,” she ordered, pressing her fingers to her temple. But the ideas weren’t there. They had been few and far between ever since a certain charming dark haired bastard had strolled into her life, his pretty little girl in tow.

  Wade had showed up at her door the past night, alone. Had nearly charmed her into watching a movie with him. Hell, he had charmed her into it right until he dimmed the lights and an old western came on the screen.

  They hated westerns, not that it had stopped them from paying money for them…they had rented them several time a month while they dated. Putting the movie in, dimming the lights, and then making out on the couch for hours.

  It had taken her no time to figure out his plans for the evening. It had taken nearly half the evening to get him out of the house. He had been in her mind all night, even after she kicked him out.

  Forcing her mind back to the problem at hand, Nikki stared at the distressingly blank screen with its annoying little cursor. With a frustrated groan, she got to her feet and started to pace. “Okay, kid. Lets work this through,” she muttered. “Writer’s block. You’ve had it before. No big deal.”

  Daire just needed something new, she mused. What hadn’t he done before? She grinned swiftly. Not much. In the past five years since he had come to life, he had killed dragons, slain evil sorcerers, he had faced death many time and escaped it laughingly. He had escaped a slave ship and freed the slaves in the process. He had fought wars, fought friends, fought himself, and fought his destiny. He rescued damsels i
n distress and then loved ‘em and left ‘em.

  Nikki’s steps faltered, then slowed to a stop. Cocking her head, she studied the screen, not seeing it, as she thought that last thought through. Loved ‘em and left ‘em.

  That was it. It was simple. So simple.

  Daire had yet to meet his match. It was time for the hero to meet the heroine.

  Early morning sun shone on her back as she seated herself in the chair. Without a moment’s hesitation, she deleted the last three chapters and then settled back to think. Her heroine needed a name.

  It was hours and pages later when she settled back in the chair, stiff and sore, but satisfied. Propping her feet on the desk, she spoke into the mouthpiece. “That’s right, Kris. I changed the whole story line.” She stared distractedly at the screen and added an ‘h’ to change the ‘te’ to ‘the’ before replying, “No. Kris. It’s not a bowl of mush. In fact, I think it’s going to be the best yet.”

  On the other end of the line, Kirsten demanded, “So what started the fire, sugar? You’ve been in a major slump for months, now.”

  “Dunno.” Nikki frowned at the screen. Need to rewrite the line there. Then she turned away from the screen to concentrate on the phone. Thunderheads were piling the horizon. A storm was coming.

  “So. Was it this boyfriend, Wade that stirred things up?”

  “Wade is not a boy, nor is he a friend,” Nikki corrected, pinching the bridge of her nose with her fingers. “And it has nothing to do with him.”

  “He’s more than that, isn’t he?” Kris asked, softly, “Want to tell me about it?”

  “Nothing to tell,” Nikki said. “He’s determined to pick things up and I want to let them lie.” And then she changed the subject by saying, “I think I can have a rough draft in six to eight weeks. Finished by Christmas. Want to see what I’ve got before that or just wait until then?”

  Nikki heard Kris sigh and she braced herself.