The Dream Life I Never Had

by Terri Douglas

  Be careful what you wish for I thought bitterly and belatedly, because things might not turn out quite the way you were expecting them to.

  ‘Come on then let’s see if we can find a space to sit down somewhere’ Paul said trying to hold four children’s meals and two coffees and nearly dropping the lot.

  I took the coffees from him and we edged our way out of McDonald’s and walked back to where we’d started outside the council house. As the low wall wasn’t a particularly comfortable place to sit we didn’t have to wait too long for our own space to perch.

  ‘I needed this’ I said grateful to take the weight off my feet and even more grateful for a large measure of much needed caffeine.

  The children greedily ate their burger and chips and Paul had given Tyler some money to go and buy four bottles of juice from the nearby hotdog man we’d been to earlier, but Tyler had come back with four fizzy sugar water concoctions saying that’s all the man had. While Paul remonstrated with Tyler asking him suspiciously if he was sure that’s all they had I thought I saw Martin again but then he disappeared again. Oh great I thought, all I need is to start hallucinating about seeing Martin everywhere I go.

  ‘We should probably think about going home’ I said to Paul.

  ‘Aren’t you going to stay for the disco?’ He asked referring to the Summer Carnival party-in-the-park type bash that the local council always organised and staunchly insisted was an open air disco, but actually was only one of the councillors who fancied himself as a bit of a DJ playing a few of last year’s pop songs that no-one danced to and was rained off most years anyway.

  ‘No I don’t think so, it’s a wrench to have to miss out on such a prestigious event but the children’s bath time must come first’ I said laughing at my own sarcastic wit.

  ‘But they’ve got the local radio involved this year, how can you miss that?’ Paul mocked derisively.

  ‘I know and it breaks my heart but what can I do?’

  ‘Well at least let the kids have a go on the bouncy castle before you go home’ Paul suggested.

  ‘Okay but then we really should go’ I said.

  Kate, Caitlin and Ben were all quite excited about going on the bouncy castle but Tyler less so as he thought he was too old for such things and to tell the truth he probably wouldn’t be allowed anyway as he was nearly as tall as me.

  We prepared to fight our way through the throng of people once more and Paul lifted Ben up to sit on his shoulders which of course Ben thought was wonderful. But we hadn’t taken more than two steps when Martin appeared from nowhere and stood a few feet in front of us barring our way ahead. ‘Put him down’ Martin said quietly but determinedly and looking straight at Paul.

  ‘It’s alright Martin’ I said placatingly as I stood between them.

  ‘No it’s not alright’ Martin said as he gently but firmly pushed me aside and confronted Paul once more.

  ‘Okay calm down’ Paul said lifting Ben off his shoulders and standing him back down on the ground.

  ‘You don’t manhandle my son’ Martin threatened.

  ‘No manhandling going on I was just . . .’ Paul said reasonably, or at least started to say but Martin didn’t wait for him to finish.

  ‘Yeah I know what you were doing. You might think you’re in with a chance with my wife and maybe you are but you’re not playing happy families with my children, understand?’ Martin said aggressively.

  ‘I understand that you’re a bit upset but Sophie and I are just friends’ Paul said defensively.

  ‘Yeah friends’ Martin scoffed.

  ‘Martin please’ I said holding on to his arm but Martin shook my hand away and continued to glare at Paul.

  ‘I think you’re overreacting, Sophie and I are friends that’s all and if you hadn’t been such a damn fool she wouldn’t be here with me now would she?’ Paul said almost matching Martin’s aggression.

  ‘I don’t care what you think and whether I’ve been a fool or not is none of your business’ Martin said squaring up to Paul so that they were face to face and only inches apart.

  ‘For goodness sake this is ridiculous’ I said but they both completely ignored me.

  ‘So you admit you’ve been a fool’ Paul sneered.

  ‘Yeah I was a fool not to have laid you out the first time I saw you with her’ Martin said full of that stupid macho bravado men think they need to display in front of each other.

  ‘Go ahead if you think you’re man enough, no time like the present’ Paul said cockily and proving my point that men can’t help themselves and really are full of pointless macho crap.

  ‘Can you two give it a rest?’ I said but without any real hope that either of them would listen to me, and I was right they didn’t.

  ‘Come on then, any time you’re ready’ Martin challenged.

  ‘Oh I’m ready alright, I could take you on with one hand tied behind my back’ Paul said.

  ‘In your dreams’ Martin mocked.

  ‘Oh yeah?’ Paul said.

  ‘Yeah’ Martin said.

  By now they were growling at each other, still inches apart but both baring their teeth and beginning to circle their prey. ‘For God’s sake’ I said.

  Kate and Ben had come to stand behind me with eyes like saucers and Kate asked worriedly ‘why are Daddy and Paul so angry with each other?’

  ‘Because they’re men’ I said stonily. ‘It’s just something men have to do every now and then when their brain needs a rest from all that thinking they struggle with so much.’

  ‘Oh’ Kate said not having a clue what I was talking about but no doubt she’d understand when she got a bit older.

  ‘Let’s go home and leave these two idiots to it’ I said.

  I told Tyler to look after his sister and wait for his dad, and then grabbing Ben and Kate’s hands we left Paul and Martin to their little charade. As we walked away I looked back to see that they were still confronting each other without actually getting any further and they hadn’t even noticed that we’d gone.

  In the dream life Martin and Paul would continue their pathetic stand-off and eventually it would get dark and everyone else would have gone home; but there the two protagonists would still be, still taking it in turns to say ‘yeah’ in that aggressive challenging way, still baring their teeth and circling each other, but still not doing any actual punching. Someone would take a photo and it would be in the local paper next week under the headlines ‘overgrown yobs enjoy the carnival?’ And the article would go on to describe how two supposed adults had stood facing each other for twelve hours growling ‘yeah’ at each other. It would say no-one knew why or how long they might have stayed like that but in the early hours of the morning the police intervened and an ambulance was called as both were suffering from dehydration, mild hypothermia and suspected dementia.

  40

  We caught the bus home and I wondered how long Paul and Martin would carry on with their pantomime before common sense kicked in, or when they’d notice that the reason for their argument had gone home. I was so mad at Martin and I have to say slightly disappointed with Paul, I mean he’d come across as this nice bloke all reasonable and rational and friendly and I know Martin pushed him into it a bit but Paul had turned out to be as full of macho crap as all the rest of the men I’d ever met.

  When we got home there was no need to rush about making dinner as Ben and Kate were still full on hotdogs and McDonald’s so I shooed them into the garden while I made myself a cup of tea and grabbed a bit of quiet time while I had the chance.

  It occurred to me after witnessing all that anger that Martin must still love his children at least, well of course he did I didn’t really think he’d stopped loving them it was only me he’d fallen out of love with. Little snatches of conversation kept drifting through my mind like Lenny’s reference to Martin moping about, Lindsey telling me Martin was upset when he’d seen me with Paul . . . but then there was Martin’s comment about Paul being in with a chance with his wife
. It didn’t seem to add up, did he miss me or not?

  After jumping from one conclusion to another and then another after that, sanity prevailed and I reasoned that Martin did miss the children, that he probably was missing all the comforts and convenience of home and he was no doubt dreading the hassle of a divorce. But all that aside the only thing he was really upset about was his injured pride, being chucked out, seeing me with another man so soon after our separation, losing his job and finding another one but not getting paid; all these things were bound to dent his armour a bit and really that’s all it was. Him losing me was not so much of a loss as it was a relief I decided, it was the only logical explanation.

  Ben and Kate still weren’t very hungry so I gave them a glass of milk each and a couple of biscuits. My mum guilt was niggling at me that hotdogs, McDonald’s and biscuits weren’t exactly a healthy diet so I promised myself that tomorrow I’d give them fish and fresh veg with an apple for afters to make up for it. Of course whether I’d be able to stick to this nutritious wholesome diet was another thing; it didn’t appeal to me all that much so probably wasn’t going to go down too well with the children but I’d give it my best shot.

  We gave bath time a miss as Ben was pretty sleepy after such a busy day, and Kate was as well I suspected although in her case she was fighting it. I read them a story apiece but Ben fell asleep straight away missing most of his story, and Kate managed to keep her eyes open but only just and had followed her brother’s example as soon as I’d kissed her goodnight and before I’d backed out of the bedroom door.

  When I got back downstairs there wasn’t much tidying up to do as we’d all been out for most of the day, but I loaded up the new washer ready for the morning and washed out the milk glasses and then gratefully collapsed onto the settee to watch a bit of gratuitous telly to take my mind off things.

  No sooner had I kicked off my shoes and got myself comfortable than there was a knock at the front door. I toyed with the idea of ignoring it and pretending I wasn’t at home but the knocking continued so reluctantly I dragged myself off of the settee and went to see who it was. Imagine my surprise to find Martin standing on the front doorstep.

  ‘What are you doing here Martin, and what’s with all the knocking?’ I said.

  ‘I didn’t want to ring the doorbell I thought it would wake the kids up.’

  ‘Oh and banging on the front door isn’t going to wake them up, but why are you knocking at all why didn’t you just use your key?’ I said looking at the key in his hand.

  ‘I wasn’t sure . . . I didn’t know if . . . it just seemed like the right thing to do after . . . well after everything.’

  ‘Well what do you want?’ I said ungraciously.

  ‘I want . . . can I come in?’

  ‘Okay’ I said standing aside and wondering what the hell was going on and what fresh torture he was about to inflict.

  He walked past me and straight down the hall to the kitchen and sat down in his usual chair. I followed but didn’t join him at the table. ‘So what’s all this about?’ I said.

  ‘I came to say . . . is there any chance of a coffee?’

  ‘You came to see if there was any coffee going?’ I said slightly bewildered. ‘You know they sell coffee in town right?’

  ‘No I came to talk to you, I just could do with a coffee’ Martin said anxiously.

  ‘I suppose you have had quite a day one way and another, okay I’ll make you a coffee but I don’t see that we have anything to talk about it’s all been said hasn’t it?’

  Martin didn’t answer so I made him a cup of coffee and put it in front of him. He tried to take a sip but it was too hot to drink straight away so he sat staring at it as if willing it to cool down a bit quicker.

  ‘Well are you going to tell me why you’re here or not?’ I said.

  ‘I came to say’ Martin started hesitantly and still without looking at me. ‘I came to say I was sorry.’

  ‘Oh’ I said a little bit flabbergasted. ‘Sorry about what exactly?’

  ‘Sorry that I thought you and Paul were . . . were . . . I found out that you weren’t and that he was just a friend and . . . well I’m sorry.’

  ‘I see and what was it that finally bought you to your senses?’

  ‘Some woman turned up that he’d arranged to meet and asked him what was going on and . . . well one thing led to another and we got talking and he said you and him were friends and that’s all there was to it, just friends’ Martin said awkwardly and finally looking at me.

  ‘I did tell you’ I said.

  ‘I know you did’ Martin said dispiritedly ‘and I should have listened but you were with him in that restaurant and he was . . . and you were . . . and I thought . . .’

  ‘So how long did you and Paul carry on threatening each other before Kerry turned up?’

  ‘Kerry?’

  ‘Paul’s friend that he’d arranged to meet’ I said slightly nettled that it needed explaining.

  ‘Oh yeah, um not long I guess’ Martin said trying his coffee again which still hadn’t cooled down enough to drink properly.

  We sat in silence for a second or two that felt more like half an hour, neither of us knowing quite what to say next. Eventually I said ‘I suppose I owe you a bit of an apology as well about Lindsey’.

  ‘I did try and explain that she was Lenny’s girlfriend’ Martin said.

  ‘Yeah I know but . . . well be fair she was kissing you and holding your hand that night what was I supposed to think?’

  ‘Yes.’

  The silence engulfed us once more and we sat not talking and not looking at each other. Martin sipped his coffee and I looked out the window wondering where we go from here.

  ‘How’s your lip now?’ I said after an eon or two had passed.

  ‘It’s alright, bit swollen’ Martin said looking embarrassed.

  Then I suddenly remembered seeing Martin all over the place when Paul and I were walking round at the carnival. ‘Martin did you follow me and Paul this afternoon?’

  ‘No’ Martin said a bit too quickly and aggressively.

  ‘You did didn’t you? You followed me.’

  ‘No’ Martin said adamantly and looking at me aghast as if to say how could I possibly even consider such a thing.

  ‘Martin?’ I queried.

  ‘Okay yes I did follow you. I needed to know if you and him were . . . and he was all fake dad to Ben and Kate and . . . laughing and . . . and then he lifted Ben onto his shoulders and . . . it was my son, it was me that should have been doing all that not some bloke Ben and Kate didn’t even know properly.’

  ‘But you weren’t there were you? And he wasn’t doing anything really just being . . . I don’t know just being helpful’ I said reasonably.

  ‘Helpful? Come on that was way more than just being helpful’ Martin said getting agitated.

  ‘I thought you said you’d come round to apologise because you realised that Paul was just a friend?’

  ‘I did’ Martin insisted.

  ‘Doesn’t sound like it.’

  ‘Yes alright, I just didn’t like him getting so matey with my kids that’s all.’

  ‘For God’s sake Martin, are you saying no-ones allowed to be nice to your children except you?’ I said exasperated with his warped logic.

  ‘No. I’m just saying . . . well how would you like it if some woman was gushing all over Ben and Kate when you weren’t there and looking after them and everything as if she was their mother? Would you like it?’

  ‘No I suppose not’ I conceded.

  ‘Well then’ Martin said.

  The silence returned and we both just sat not knowing quite what to say after all that had already been said. Martin had a point I would have been upset if another woman was trying to mother Ben and Kate but I don’t know that I’d have threatened to beat her up . . . or maybe I would, I certainly would have been angry . . . yeah I guess I would try and scratch her eyes out, if she was doing it behind my back anyway.
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  ‘I miss the children, I miss seeing them every day’ Martin said ‘and you’ he added quietly.

  ‘I know but you’re working and you get to see them on Saturdays’ I said before it hit me that he’d added an ‘and you’ to his sentence. ‘What?’

  ‘I said I missed you’ he said more bravely.

  ‘Do you?’

  ‘Yes of course I do.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yes really’ Martin said looking me straight in the eye and reaching out for my hand.

  ‘Oh Martin’ I said holding his hand tightly. And then I remembered that he’d fallen out with Lenny so probably had nowhere to stay. ‘And this wouldn’t have anything to do with you needing somewhere to sleep tonight would it?’ I said sceptically as I withdrew my hand from his.

  ‘What? No . . . I do miss you’ Martin said earnestly as he tried to grab my hand again.

  ‘Yeah nice try. Huh I almost fell for it . . . almost’ I said.

  ‘I love you Soph.’

  ‘Mm like you loved me when you stayed in Spain even though I’d asked you, begged you to come home?’

  ‘Please Soph, I know I’ve screwed up but I do love you’ Martin pleaded.

  ‘Did you love me when you got drunk on my birthday? Did you love me when you didn’t tell me about the money you took out of the bank account? Or what about when you promised to phone and then didn’t bother? Did you love me then or is it just since you’ve fallen out with the wonderful misunderstood Lenny?’ I sneered at him derisively.

  ‘Yes you were right about Lenny, you said all along he was . . . and you were right he is an arse I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to . . . but I do love you Sophie I’ve always loved you right from the first day I met you, always. I know I’m an idiot and I get it wrong all the time but you and the kids mean everything to me. Please Soph; please give me a chance, just a chance that’s all I ask.’

  ‘Don’t lie to me Martin’ I said in clipped tones angry as much with myself for almost falling for it as I was with Martin for spinning me such an obvious line. ‘Okay you can stay on the sofa, but just for tonight just until you’ve sorted out a proper place to stay, but please don’t insult my intelligence by pretending you actually give a damn about me.’