The Dream Life I Never Had

by Terri Douglas

  ‘But I do’ he shouted while still trying to grab my hand. ‘I’ve been miserable without you, ask anyone, ask Lenny he’ll tell you.’

  ‘It’s okay Martin you don’t have to keep lying to me, I’ve already said you can stay until you’ve sorted yourself out’ I said standing up and backing away.

  Martin didn’t move though, he stayed where he was and just looked at me sad and dejected. ‘Thanks’ he mumbled sullenly and his eyes glazed over.

  ‘I’ll see you in the morning then’ I said turning to go upstairs.

  ‘Yeah’ he said still not moving.

  I lay in bed tossing and turning; sleep was impossible, even lying still was difficult. Had Martin been telling the truth, did he really miss me? He seemed genuine but then the memory of him gleefully driving off with Lenny that day he’d gone to Spain popped in my head. He probably was upset that he’d fallen out with his best mate of twenty years or however long it had been, and no doubt he was pretty pissed off that I hadn’t welcomed him back with open arms and had caught on so quickly to his obvious bullshit. But was it bullshit? And even if it was isn’t this what I wanted what I’d daydreamed about, Martin realising what a twonk Lenny was, Martin saying he’d missed me and that he loved me? Maybe I should go along with it, let him move back in and maybe in time he really would love me again . . . but I knew even as I thought it that I couldn’t do that. Never go back they say and they’re right whoever they are, you can’t go back.

  I tossed and turned some more and eventually sat up on the edge of the bed, trying to lie still for even one more minute was torture. I checked my watch and it was twenty five past three. I groaned to myself at the unearthly hour and that it would be at least another two hours before I could legitimately get up. After another ten minutes or so of just sitting I decided to go and make myself a cup of tea.

  I crept downstairs hardly daring to breath and hoping that Martin was sound asleep in the living room and wouldn’t hear me creeping about. I was concentrating so hard on not making any noise and all the while listening out for any sign that I had woken Martin up that I got all the way to the kitchen sink before I realised he was still sitting exactly where I’d left him at the kitchen table, but now in the dark. You hear the expression ‘I nearly died of fright’ often enough well I very nearly did for real and not just some exaggerated flippant comment, I actually did nearly die of fright and how I’d stopped myself from screaming I’ll never know, but I swear I felt my heart stop for a second or two before it juddered back to life again.

  ‘What the hell are you doing sitting here in the dark, you could have killed me?’ I spat out in anger and relief while breathing deeply and with a hand on my chest to ward off a possible heart attack.

  ‘I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare you . . . I couldn’t sleep’ Martin said.

  ‘No I can see that.’

  ‘Sorry’ he said again. ‘Why are you up?’

  ‘I couldn’t sleep either’ I said.

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘Do you want tea?’ I offered grudgingly.

  ‘Um . . . yes alright.’

  I switched the kettle on and picked up the coffee mug that was still on the table from before, still full and virtually untouched but obviously stone cold now, and started washing it up. ‘So how come you couldn’t sleep or were you worrying how Lenny was going to manage without you, or maybe how you were going to manage without him?’ I said bitterly and trying to hide how hurt I felt.

  ‘No I haven’t thought about Lenny at all. Why do you hate him so much?’

  ‘Because he’s an arse, because he treats women like crap . . . because he got all your attention all the time . . . because he always came first’ I said angrily as I turned to face Martin.

  ‘He didn’t come first, you always say that but it’s not true’ Martin said earnestly.

  ‘Isn’t it? Our whole married life, in fact even before that when we were just going out it was always Lenny says this or Lenny thinks that, or Lenny wants to go for a drink or a night out, or to work in Spain . . . Lenny, Lenny, Lenny . . . I sometimes think that’s all you care about, whether bloody Lenny is alright’ I shouted.

  ‘Okay once and for all I don’t care about Lenny; he was a mate that’s all. If you want the truth I’ve always known he was an idiot and a selfish bastard but I kept hoping, kept trying to help him . . . make him see what an arse he is and sometimes I did, sometimes he’d say he wished he could meet someone and settle down like I had. When Jackie left he cried did you know that? No you didn’t, nobody knew because he put on this act this hard man Jack-the-lad act, at least I thought it was an act until he got Lindsey pregnant and dumped her. When we were friends in school it was just after his dad had walked out on his mum and he was this broken kid who thought he was the reason his dad had left, and then later . . . I don’t know it was like he was trying to keep everyone at a distance, pretend like he didn’t care . . . except for me. I don’t know why but most of the time anyway he was himself with me when we were on our own anyway. But I never cared more about him than you.’

  ‘Why haven’t you ever told me all that, why are you only telling me now?’

  ‘I don’t know. I should have, I should have told you years ago but you always got so . . . so angry every time his name was mentioned’ Martin said.

  ‘So what will he do now that you and him have had this argument?’

  ‘I’m hoping it’ll make him think, maybe shake him out of being such a selfish bastard all the time. Or maybe it’ll just make him worse. I don’t know Soph I don’t care what he does or doesn’t do anymore. What I care about is you, us, the kids.’

  ‘But you went to Spain for a month, a whole month. And then you went back again even though I begged you not to go’ I said.

  ‘I went to Spain because it was work; it was a chance to earn some money. Do you think I wanted to work abroad, to leave you and the children on your own? No of course I didn’t.’

  ‘Then why did you go back, why did you stay there even though I asked you again and again to come home?’

  ‘Because I knew I’d fucked up alright? Is that what you wanted to hear? The job was crap a proper con job and we all got treated like crap and had to work fucking hard for twelve hours a day and then . . . then we didn’t even get fucking paid. You were right and I was wrong, now are you happy now that I’ve said it?’ Martin shouted at me, his face pained and distorted with all the resentment and anger he felt.

  ‘If you’d just said, if you’d just told me all that . . .’

  ‘I didn’t think I had to tell you all that, you should have known without me telling you.’

  ‘Well I didn’t. Is it really such a big burden for you to tell me how you feel now and then or is it a case of I told you once a couple of decades ago that I love you and that should do you for the rest of your life and I don’t ever need to say it again’ I spat at him.

  ‘For God’s sake, we’re married aren’t we of course I love you’ Martin practically screamed at me.

  ‘Plenty of people are married but they don’t all love each other, it’s not an automatic guarantee you know.’

  ‘You stupid woman, isn’t it bloody obvious how I feel and that I can’t manage without you?’

  ‘No it’s not bloody obvious’ I shouted back as I turned away from him and stared blankly out of the window into the darkness.

  Martin came up behind me and put his arm round my shoulders. ‘Why do you think I got so upset when I thought you were seeing that Paul bloke?’ He said.

  ‘I don’t know’ I said sulkily.

  ‘Because I love you and I couldn’t bear to think of you being with someone else.’

  ‘Really?’ I said turning to look at him.

  ‘God! Yes really. I love you Soph, always have and always will.’

  ‘I love you Martin’ I said as a few tears escaped.

  ‘Well don’t cry, it’s a good thing isn’t it? I love you and you love me.’

  ‘Don’t ev
er stop telling me will you, you have to tell me at least once a week.’

  ‘I’ll tell you every day if you promise never to throw me out again’ Martin said laughing.

  ‘I don’t know if I can promise that, you are pretty difficult to live with you know.’

  ‘Okay, just promise me that if you throw me out again you won’t really mean it.’

  ‘Alright I promise’ I said as I melted into his arms.

  41

  A couple of hours later as Martin and I lay in bed wrapped in each other’s arms we heard Ben and Kate getting up. ‘So much for peace and quiet’ I said without moving.

  ‘D’you want me to go down and see to them? You can stay up here if you like and catch up with your sleep’ Martin said also without moving.

  ‘No it’s alright, I think I’ve missed us having a family breakfast together most of all.’

  Martin leaned up on one elbow and looked at me quizzically. ‘Now let me get this straight, we separated and nearly got divorced and the thing you missed most was us all having breakfast together? Well thanks for that.’

  ‘I didn’t mean . . . I mean obviously I missed . . . you know what I mean.’

  ‘Well now I know. Next time I’m trying to get round you and earn some brownie points, instead of chatting you up or giving you a present or taking you out for a posh meal I’ll just buy a box of cornflakes and make sure we’re all sitting round the kitchen table at the same time’ Martin said pretending to be ticked off.

  Kate burst through the bedroom door closely followed by Ben. ‘Mum you weren’t downstairs’ she said accusingly and then spotted her father lying next to me. ‘Daddy’ she shouted excitedly as she ran towards him.

  ‘Daddy’ Ben said nudging Kate out of the way and dive bombing the bed.

  ‘Hello kids’ Martin said from under the tangle of legs and elbows that had descended on him.

  ‘I’ll go and put the kettle on’ I said laughing as I extricated myself and eased my way out of the side of the bed.

  Later when we’d all finished breakfast and Ben and Kate had gone upstairs to get dressed and I was washing up, Martin came up behind me and putting his arms round me whispered suggestively in my ear ‘was breakfast good for you?’

  ‘Oh yeah’ I breathed as if I was quite overcome.

  ‘Don’t ever leave me Soph’ Martin whispered now suddenly serious. ‘And don’t ever make me leave you again I don’t think I could take it.’

  ‘I won’t’ I said turning to face him.

  ‘You promise?’

  ‘Well as long as you don’t go accepting another job in Spain I won’t’ I said smirking, ‘or anywhere else abroad’ I quickly added.

  ‘Fair enough, I’ll miss it of course all the excitement of eating foreign food and not understanding anything anyone was saying, and naturally the gamble of whether I’m going to be paid or not was quite a buzz . . . but for you I’ll give it all up if I have to’ Martin sighed theatrically as if even the thought of giving all that up was going to be a terrible wrench.

  ‘Oh that’s so sweet, you really do love me don’t you?’ I said laughing.

  ‘Yeah I really do’ Martin said not laughing at all.

  I Sophie Cromby do solemnly swear . . . no . . . no more pie in the sky dream life plans for me except maybe sometimes the odd daydream now and then about winning the lottery; after all I already had everything that was important to me and a perfect dream life, I just hadn’t realised it until I’d almost thrown it all away.