Because It's Not Love

by Kitty Parker

  Because I was being a coward.

  He shook his head; of course he was a coward. He never had to deal with these type of feelings before and when he realized that a girl was now the center of everything in his life…he was scared. He was scared that a girl he liked would end up cheating on him like his mother did to his father. He knew that his mother was great and motherly kind to him, but she wasn't the type of woman to be with one man. The fact that his parents were both players wasn't helping him at all. He was just like them before but now as he realized that one girl was more than enough for him…it scared the shit out of him. He was younger than his brother and Cameron yet was still enjoying many different ladies around him. Carson was thinking that he was being different in the entire family. He was becoming lost and crazy with his own thoughts.

  It took him days to think this through, to make the right decision, to decide his next moves and to believe in himself. And now as the days passed by quickly he was ready to get what he wanted the most. He wasn't much a skipper for school, but getting out of there was a right thing to do. It cleared up his mind...which made him decide what he would do now.

  He wanted her. End of discussion.

  She freaking changed him. With her it felt right; it felt like the one piece of jigsaw puzzle that was missing long time ago was now fitted right in its place. As cliché that sounded, it was right. Chances were; if he left her and pretended that nothing ever happened between them, he would never forgive himself. He actually decided to win her back two days ago but he couldn't figure out on how to do it. He then decided to just tell her quietly in the park so no one would hear them, but he just had to call his friends first.

  Why did he have evil friends again?

  The sound of the bell signaling the end of school went off and Carson found himself taking deep breaths as he watched students coming out of the main building. It was time to man up and fight the girl he wanted the most. It was now or never.

  He walked slowly toward the path in front of the entrance door, getting curios glances and many whispers from people around him. After this, he wasn't going to be the player of school now. After this he was going to have a girlfriend. Wait, what if she didn't want to be his girlfriend? What if she was sick of him from running away from her?

  Nah, that couldn't be it. He was sure that he heard her saying something about loving him right?

  Right?

  "Carson, what are you doing here?"

  Carson looked up to meet the brown shade of eyes. He shrugged and decided to act cool. He hoped he didn't look like a guy that was nervous because of a girl. "I have something to finish."

  "Are you sure it's not someone?"

  He glared at her and left her behind. Lisa laughed as she caught his hand and turned him around. "I'm kidding. I know why you're here; Nick told me everything about it." She smiled as she glanced at the lilies in his hand.

  He let out a heavy sigh and ran a hand through his thick hair. "Why am I not surprise?"

  "Good question. So anyway, are you ready?"

  He just shrugged and looked away. He wanted to be ready; he wanted to get this thing over with so he could hold Maggie faster.

  Lisa chuckled at the way Carson was acting. She never thought that the badass player in school actually could get nervous because of a girl. And to think it was because of her best friend. "I'm sure you're ready. Just calm down and believe in yourself. The moment you'll see her you will forget everything. Trust your instinct, Carson."

  "I'm not sure I have any at the moment." He admitted quietly. Lisa rolled her eyes but grinned at him nonetheless. "Look, I don't know, isn't this supposed to be easy for guys? Most guys are the one to ask first to be in a relationship, and I don't mind at all. It's just that, I don't know, I feel extremely nervous at the thought of just telling her how I feel. Dean keeps on teasing me and him doing that isn't helping at all." He was surprised of his sudden outburst, but it kind of felt better telling this to someone. He definitely couldn't tell this to his male friends.

  "Carson, you're thinking way too much into this. Relax and go with the flow. The best part of it would be in the end where you both would live happily ever after. Trust me, it's worth a shot."

  She was right. He would at least try to fight for the girl he needed in his life.

  Carson then saw Nick wrapping an arm around Lisa's waist; he didn't even know when he showed up. Lisa was also as surprised at Nick's sudden presence that she laughed and turned to him. He gave her a sweet kiss, nothing too sloppy or passionate, just a sweet small peck on the lips.

  Carson also wanted that, he wanted to do sweet things with Maggie.

  "She's here! Get ready!" Dean busted out from the entrance door with a laughing John trailing behind him.

  "Well, go get her tiger." Lisa gave him a half hug because of the lilies he was holding; he returned the hug and whispered a thank you into her ear. She nodded with a grin and trailed away to stand near the door.

  As she walked away slowly, Nick turned to his best friend and both of them stared at each other. They didn't say anything; they were standing there giving each other understanding looks. Nick eventually laughed and patted a hand on Carson's shoulder. "Good luck, man." Carson smiled and nodded at him before Nick walked away to follow his girlfriend.

  This was it, Carson thought as he stepped closer to the entrance door. This was the moment of truth and ready or not, he was about to do it. Yes, he felt nervous and anxious for this to end quickly, but he also couldn't wait to see her. The sound of the door clicking made Carson snap into reality and he suddenly covered his face with the bouquet.

  Who was he kidding? Of course he wasn't ready yet. He could feel the nerves rushing through him again and he could feel the sweat on his palms.

  He could hear sounds and conversation around him but it was still covered up by the beat of his heart thumping against his chest. Maybe he could turn around and leave this place before he changed his mind—

  Wait, was she actually laughing? God, the world seemed to stop as the sound of her soft laughter surrounded him peacefully. It was the best sound he heard that could beat the sound of his favorite rock star. He slowly let the flower down and watched her reaction. Although she gasped as her eyes gave in the sight of him, he gave her an assuring smile. He might be nervous, but suddenly the sight of her beautiful face could make him smile. It was like he forgot everything even though she stood there wide-eyed. Just one glance at her and time seemed to stop, he really did need her.

  This was it; he hoped it was worth it.

  I didn't trust my voice because I was shaking with nerves. Why was I nervous again? I don't know. Maybe the view of his gorgeous self was intimidating me while he was smiling his wide grin. He should smile often, yes, that kind of smile. It kind of showed a beautiful and cute side of him, not in a macho way he always tended to be.

  "What are you doing here?" I managed to ask in a soft whisper. It was obviously weird seeing him here holding a bouquet of my favorite flower. Wait, how did he find out that they were my favorite flower?

  "You're not happy to see me?" How did he keep his voice so thick and steady? How come he could talk to me that easily after what we've been through? Okay, whatever happened between us might not be as 'big' or as dramatic as it sounded. But still, he was acting like the universe was bowing into his graceful self.

  I didn't answer and merely looked up at him. Again, I didn't trust my voice. I was scared that I would scream of happiness to see him here.

  "Are you surprised to see me?"

  I was beyond surprise. I was shocked to see him casually standing here at school property. Teachers could see him now and they would probably ask why he was here after school and not in the morning where he should be. Wasn't he supposed to be thinking about college? God, he could be so hard to understand. "What are you doing here?" I repeated my question in a voice that I hope seemed fine. It was a little shaky, but it had to do.

  He didn't answer me but he handed out
the lilies towards me. "These are for you."

  "Are you kidding me?" I asked as I my arms moved slightly to show him the flowers that were already tucked inside the basket in my arms.

  He gave me a crooked smile before laughing slightly. "Yeah sorry about that, Dean's plan was a bit over the top." Disappointment washed over me. So this wasn't entirely his work? Seeing as I was quiet and the way how my face kind of fell down, he lifted my chin with his cold fingers. "But I think it's worth it."

  I eyed him suspiciously, why was he being sweet? I swear to god if this was a prank he would be the first person I'd murder. "Seriously Carson, what do you want? I'm kind of scared at your split personality here."

  "Isn't it obvious?" His voice was lazy as he spoke.

  "Seriously? No. I have no idea why you're holding my favorite flower in this cold air in school property after you've been skipping school for three days." I placed the basket onto the ground, not minding if something happened to them. I wasn't going to hold them throughout this conversation.

  "This is your favorite flower?"

  "Oh my god, just get on with this!" I sighed in frustration and folded my arms as I glared at his wide smirk he was showing now. He could be so charming with that smile and yet at the same time he could be so irritating.

  Suddenly his smile fell down as slowly as his eyes scanned my face. His eyes were not anymore happy and his face was straight without any humor in it. I felt my scowl turning into a frown as he ran his free hand that wasn't holding the bouquet into his thick and soft red hair.

  At this, I just realized two things. One, he was still holding the lilies and two, guys who has red hair are totally hot. Even though his hair was more of a dark red into brown, it still counted as red. So sexy I might add.

  I shook my head; here I was thinking how adorable and sexy he was while he was actually looking at the ground like he was…whoa. Dare I say he was actually looking like he was…nervous?

  "Maggie, I'm not sure how I should start this." He didn't look up, not that I wanted him to. His voice was steady and serious (a little nervous) and I wasn't sure I could look him in the eyes. "For one thing, I'm sorry."

  I blinked my eyes, was he apologizing to me? He sighed deeply before continuing. "I'm sorry for everything that I've put you through. I'm sorry for being a stupid jerk, for being a total ass and for being like a stubborn person I am." He took a deep breath as he fixed his gaze onto the white snow he was stepping on, as if he just found diamonds buried in there. "I'm sorry for ignoring you and well…kissing you all of a sudden. It was a chance I had to take." He smiled softly before he sighed again. "And I'm sorry for ignoring you again. I truly am."

  I was stunned. Here Carson stood in front of me telling how sorry he was. If I wasn't mistaken, sorry was a rare word for him. And here in front of school he was telling me the things I kind of felt he wasn't sure of telling anyone. Let alone me. Even though he was apologizing to me, I still couldn't believe what I was hearing.

  Slowly but sure, his head turned up and his eyes traveled up my legs, my waist, my stomach, my neck and finally to my eyes. His dark blue orbs lazily gazed into my brighter shade. I licked my dry lips from the cold air and his eyes landed there, watching my lips shiver of the cold as his gaze turned a little into fire.

  "As you were saying?" I had to do something. He was looking at my lips hungrily that I had the urge to run to him and fall into his arms right away. I couldn't do that. I wouldn't do that. Not when I have enough pride to stand here.

  His eyes snapped quickly into mine. I thought I saw a little disappointment in his eyes…but no, I think I was just seeing things. He stayed silent for a while as if he was trying to say the right words. "To be honest, I regretted seeing you leave me at the Christmas party with your ex. I regretted for not stopping you…or even never trying to call you afterwards. I was shocked; I was stunned at the outburst you were saying to me all of a sudden. I swear I heard the words of I love you, but I wasn't sure if I was right."

  I didn't deny him, nor did I say anything else to approve the theory of his. I didn't expect to say the three words to him when I was so mad and angry…it just came out so quick. Maybe I am a little like Nick. You know, saying things without thinking it over.

  I stood there without any expression, waiting for him to continue. If he was here to humiliate me then he should be prepared because I was not going to just stand here and let him do anything he intended to.

  He finally drew out a big sigh at my pointless face. "Look Maggie, I'm freaking sorry! If you're here just to listen without saying anything else then I might leave you now. But no, I want you to listen to me first." His voice was louder than before and now he seemed furious. Why was he so pissed? Did I do anything wrong? Did I even do anything at all?

  He stepped forward, closing all the distance between us. "You're the first girl ever to make me feel like this. I feel weird, I don't feel butterflies but I sure as hell feel fireworks every time I stare into your eyes. I feel crazy just thinking about you…and I feel like I'm about to explode if I don't see you anymore." He took a deep breath. I gaped at his outburst; Carson was actually saying all these things to me. I was so stunned. He searched my eyes and relaxed a bit, boring into my gaze. "You are so beautiful to me. You're like an angel, smiling that sweet smile of yours every time you're happy. I don't like seeing you sad…and to think I was the cause of your sadness these past few weeks…I feel bad. I feel guilt every time and every minute of the day."

  I looked up at him, scared if this was just a dream where I would wake up suddenly and find out that he was still ignoring me. Carson leaned closer and I closed my eyes. Although I could feel many eyes on me, I didn't care. It was the guy in front of me that I was aware of. I was astonished by the way he could be. One minute he could be hard to understand and then he could be so unexpected and sweet.

  His lips didn't touch mine...but I still could feel his minty breath on my flushed cheeks. "Now I find myself falling for you. All I'm asking for is just another chance, a chance to fix all the mess that I've done…a chance to taste the sweet savoir of your lips, to hold you again in my arms…to catch you when you fall." He trailed a finger along my jaw line and I was the one to take a deep breath. I tightened my eyes shut, too afraid if this wasn't the reality I wished for.

  I heard a low and deep chuckle from him. "I'm even surprised to say all these words to you…you make me do things I've never done before. I thought I was going to be chickened out again…but the moment I saw your face, everything seemed to be perfect." He moved his thumb on my lower lip and caressed me there. "I like you more than friends if you're still questioning my feelings. I'm not saying that I don't love you…but I swear; my feelings for you is very deep. This is all so new for me that I'm taking baby steps. This is all that I could give to you."

  His lips slowly touched mine, but he didn't move. He just placed his cold lips onto mine and stayed there long enough for me to respond. I kissed him slowly but as soon as I let my tongue trail his lips, he parted away. I forcefully opened my eyes. He looked sad and for the moment my heart dropped, I didn't like seeing him this miserable. Was this because of me? Really?

  "Please don't do that, this just makes it even harder." He whispered so quietly that I was sure I was the only one to hear. His eyes met mine and we stared at each other in silence. "Once again, I'm sorry." He then turned around and left me dumfounded.

  Gasps were what I heard around me, but the only thing I saw was his retrieving back walking toward his fancy car. Who the hell did he think he was? How could he do that and just leave me without me saying anything? Did he actually think he could get away with this that easily? I was now sure this was real…the expression on his face said it all.

  I told you he was so hard to understand! Stupid stubbornness that he had. God, he was so…he was…ugh!

  I quickly walked toward his direction and ignored all the stares around us. This might be a really good dramatic movie, but this was my own love life
that I was waiting for. I understand this was so new for both of us, why not go through this together?

  He reached for the door of his car and from this close I could hear him swearing. A smirk appeared on my face before I quickly grabbed his arm and turned him round to face me. His expression was priceless, was all I could say. I wanted to laugh of how his eyes widened and how his lips were parting just a bit. I couldn't though, not when I had the courage to do this.

  "I thought those were for me?" I nodded slowly to the white lilies he was still holding.

  He glanced at them and avoided any eye contact with me as he rubbed the back of his neck. "I, uh, thought you didn't want them."

  I managed to step closer and his eyes widened slightly again before he tried to act calm and casual he always intended to be. He was so cute when he was being nervous like this! "You're right, I don't want them. I don't think I even need them." Pain flashed through his eyes as I said those words. God, I was so going to have to pay for this.

  I suppressed my giggle as he looked ashamed of himself. I took another step closer, if he could say all the feelings he was feeling for me…then why couldn't I? If he had the courage to say what he was feeling, then I could to. "Carson, I think it's you that I want and need." I felt so sleazy at how cliché I sounded. But I didn't care, I wanted him.

  He leisurely looked into my blue eyes and a big question mark was written on his face. I slowly let my fingers trail his jaw line like he did to me earlier. I smiled at the shock he was showing. "If you feel that way about me, then I'm going to be honest to." I took a deep breath as he slowly closed his eyes. "You make me do things I've never done before. I've never been so brave to touch a man this close…not even with my ex." I whispered the last part huskily and I could feel his breath quickening. I giggled this time. "I've fallen for you, I guess, since the beginning of this all...and I will wait for you anytime. The funny thing is; I think I always have."