Innocence

by Kristin Mayer

  We stood there and I watched the mud splotch begin to dissipate through the droplets of rain that landed on the coffin, disappearing into nothingness. I wished I could fade away versus dealing with the new revelations my mom had shared with me.

  The Keeper put his hands on my shoulder and I inwardly cringed while remaining outwardly unaffected. “We shall proceed to the community hall to eat. Today shall be a meal with no talking as we reflect on The Light that burns within us. Sarah shall be allowed her evening of mourning and tomorrow we shall help her cleanse her home.”

  No one responded as it wasn’t a question, but essentially a command. To waste time and energy on frivolous things was frowned upon.

  Mourning time was limited in The Society. After lunch, everyone would be expected to return to life as normal, except me. The teachings said that to focus on death too long was to fuse in a disease that would eat away at the whole of our community. Having now experienced true heartache, the rule made no sense to me. All I wanted to do was fall to the ground and weep for days.

  Turning, the Keeper stepped away. The Watchers followed. Not a Charge moved from their spot until the last Watcher had passed by me. It was a sign of respect. My best friend, Matthew, walked by me and his fingers grazed mine. Feeling his kindness and sympathy had my lips trembling for a mere moment. Matthew was nineteen and had recently been named a Watcher. Since his induction ceremony, our time together had been limited. I missed him.

  I turned and followed the slow procession. The dirt paths were muddy and my laced-up boots splashed mud on the hem of my soaked, black dress. The old white, wooden community hall doors creaked open as we entered in. None of the Watchers or the Keeper wiped their feet and tracked mud along the wooden floor.

  It was evident the Charges did all of the cleaning as they passed over the threshold. The Charges tried to wipe as much mud off our shoes as possible in the two seconds our feet touched the rug to lessen the cleaning time. To delay and keep people from entering was inconsiderate.

  No one said a word as we took our seats and the Keeper stood at the front of the room. The Watchers sat at the long wooden table behind him. All of the Charges sat in rows perpendicular to the Watchers.

  Matthew took a position toward the end of the table facing the room. For a brief second, our gazes locked before he looked at the plate being placed in front of him. Those crystal-blue eyes framed with blond hair were filled with compassion. Watchers were always served first. Charges were required to get their own plates unless it was a meal of reflection.

  The Keeper removed his hat. “Let’s use this time to reflect on the legacy that Anita left. Use it to brighten our own lights. Let the food give us the energy we need to continue our mission of living the right way. Outside these walls of our community, sin has filled the people and damned them for all eternity. I am thankful we were chosen by The Light.”

  We chimed in as a unified group. “To the light that Anita left behind.”

  Is Anita my mom’s real name? My mom hadn’t said last night as she told me my true name before she died. Kenzie Brooks. The name seemed fitting but foreign at the same time. I am not Sarah. I am Kenzie. I liked the name Kenzie.

  The boiled potatoes and stewed beef were barely palatable as I forced myself to eat. The quiet clanking of utensils against the metal plates filled the silence. At least it had quit raining.

  As soon as it was acceptable for me to leave, I would head back home and find the letter my mom had told me about last night on her deathbed.

  There hadn’t been time last night. During the last hours of a Charge, before they pass, the community gathered at your home to show support. I had only been allowed to be alone with Mom for a few brief minutes. Then she had left me. Forever.

  From that point forward, there had been someone with me the entire time, and I hadn’t been able to look for the letter that was supposed to contain a better explanation. Tonight, I would be alone to mourn my mom and would find it then.

  The Keeper stood and displayed his palms to everyone. “You are excused to leave as you finish. Please resume your normal duties and focus on your inner light in preparation for one day when you are called home. No one is to disturb Sarah.”

  There were nods, but again no one replied. Taking this as my queue to leave, I swallowed the last of the potato and forced it farther down with water. Normally, I would be in the kitchen cleaning but was thankful for being excused from my tasks of the day.

  Making my way to the counter, my eyes found Matthew who was still eating. I could tell he wanted to talk to me. Hopefully, we would be able to carve out some time together soon.

  Sometimes, when we finished early with our assignments, we would sneak into the woods to be together. Holding hands, we would sit and talk for as long as time would allow. My body loved and craved the small amount of contact.

  If anyone, other than my mom, had found out Matthew and I spent time alone together, we would have been punished. As long as holding hands was all we did, mom thought it was good for me to have a friend like Matthew. There were times my lips tingled, wanting to know what it would be like to kiss him, but I always refrained. The only time I’d seen someone kiss was the joining of two persons into one. It was something I wanted to experience.

  Mom frequently broke the rules of The Society when it was only her and I, but had warned me of the severe punishments if anyone found out what she and I did when we weren’t being watched. Those infractions mainly consisted of continuing my education past the level of enlightenment. At that point, girls were no longer allowed to attend school. I had never told a soul of my private lessons.

  As I approached the counter, I nodded to Greta, a fellow Charge and my mom’s best friend. She cleaned with me on most days. Taking the plate from my hands, Greta gave me a sad look that lasted only long enough for me to see it. Her dark-brown hair was put into a bun that was required for all women to wear. Again, my lips trembled.

  With my head down, I passed by everyone that I had known as family for as long as I could remember. The Society totaled one hundred and eight, no one hundred and seven people now.

  Keeping my head down, I continued to walk toward the door that would lead to my freedom for the evening. My heart felt as if a weight pressed on it, threatening to collapse at any moment. I needed to get home.

  As I walked down the steps, I turned left to head toward our, I mean, my home. It was less than a five-minute walk this way. Before I rounded the building, voices sounded from the side, and I pressed myself against the wall when I heard my name. It was the Keeper and his son, John, who was also a Watcher.

  The Keepers raspy voice caused an involuntary shudder. “John, tomorrow evening Sarah will become your wife. You will ensure she continues on the mission of The Light and bear a child with her as soon as possible. She is the only one of age that can be taken as of now. Even though she was brought here at a young age, I do not believe she remembers her past life. We must be sure that she stays on the path and teaches my grandchildren the proper ways of The Society.”

  My throat was dry as my reality further altered. Marriage. Child. He expected me to marry John—tomorrow. My skin crawled with the thought of being married to John and having his kid. He was a widower in his forties. His wife, who’d never been able to have children, passed away four months ago to the same mysterious illness Mom had died from. The herbalists were still unable to find any cure to the illness that plagued our people from time to time. The Keeper said it was The Light’s way of bringing people home when it was time.

  I wanted to be with Matthew. He would bring me comfort.

  “Father, was it in a vision?” John sounded hopeful and my stomach threatened to expel the unwanted lunch I had eaten.

  The voice of the Keeper grew impatient as I pressed myself against the building, hoping to remain unseen. “John, I am getting old and I need my son to have a successor. The new Keeper must have offspring. The Light allows me to do what I deem fit in order to keep our w
ay of life regardless if it comes in a vision or not. You know this. Do not question me.” He paused for a second before continuing, his voice more controlled. “I will wed you to Sarah and she will be able to give you children. She is nineteen and is the perfect age for childbearing. Be at the church tomorrow evening at eight. I shall have Greta tell Sarah of this development tomorrow and say it was a vision. Sarah has probably already headed back for her night of grieving. No one is to bother her. Go back into the hall. Tell no one we have spoken.”

  Thunder roared through the sky which caused me to nearly yelp in surprise. I turned and ran the opposite way to my house and would loop back around in the woods. My mind raced as everything blurred. I tried to go through everything I had found out.

  I was not Sarah.

  I had a past life prior to The Society.

  The Keeper wanted me wed to his son in order to bear children.

  This was against everything we had been taught about The Light. Regardless if I had believed in The Light or not, any beliefs I did have were vanishing and I felt like I was lost on every level of life imaginable.

  Panic wanted me to curl into a ball to protect myself, but self-preservation drove me to keep going. For now, I would push it all down. First, I needed to find the letter my mom talked about. Then, I would try to figure out the mess my life had become.

  My legs ran faster and faster as I made it to the tree line. Turning back, I made sure no one had seen me. There were no windows in the community hall. I need to get home. Home. The word seemed strange to me now. As I raced to my house, I remembered the glob of mud on my mom’s coffin as it disappeared into nothing.

  I wanted to disappear into nothing.

  I STOPPED INSIDE the tree line that opened up to my backyard. To the left was a vacant lot with tall grass. The Millers’ home was to the right. They would have duties to complete after the meal and should still be at the community hall. As I was about to walk into the backyard, a hand came down on mine and I nearly came out of my skin.

  “Shh, it’s only me.”

  The familiar voice had me heaving a sigh of relief. “Matthew, you scared me.”

  He grabbed my hand in the familiar gesture we were accustomed to when we were alone. The concern in his face was evident. “I was worried about you. Before I have to go see The Keeper, I had to see you. I’m sorry about your mom.”

  The loving lilt in his voice brought a new wave of sadness. I missed my mom. Uncharacteristically, I leaned against his chest. My actions surprised him, and me, as it took a few seconds before warm arms came around me. We’d never been this close, but I needed the comfort more than I knew. It felt safe and I didn’t care that I was breaking some of the fundamental rules.

  I nearly sobbed into his chest. “Matthew, I’ve missed you.”

  Matthew relaxed as he got used to the contact. “I’ve missed you, too. I hate that we haven’t been able to talk lately.”

  Not ready to lose the connection, but knowing we had to separate before someone caught us, I took a step back. The compulsion to tell him everything, as I looked into his blue eyes, was strong. Opening my mouth to speak, I closed it for a second. By telling him, I might be putting him at risk. Confusion on how to best proceed laid heavy in my gut.

  “What’s wrong, Sarah? You look like you have something on your mind.” Matthew’s eyes darted back and forth, watching me.

  Sarah. How would I even explain my name was Kenzie when I didn’t know the answer myself? I swallowed the truth. “I feel lost, but I’ll get through it.”

  “I know tomorrow is the cleansing day, but can we meet in the woods before it all starts? I have something I want to talk to you about.” Matthew looked nervous as he waited for my answer.

  Another twig snapped and we both took another step back, further separating us and the anxiety of potentially being caught heightened. “I’ll find a way to meet in our spot before breakfast.”

  “I have to go, Sarah. Sweet dreams until tomorrow.”

  “Sweet dreams until tomorrow.” The phrase was something special between us. We always said to each other when we said good-bye.

  Another crack in the branches had our nerves on edge. We were definitely on borrowed time.

  He mouthed, I have to go.

  I nodded. As my best friend walked away, I leaned against the tree trunk. What did he have to talk to me about? Maybe he wanted to go to the Light to see about marriage now that I was alone. I wasn’t sure how I felt about marriage right now.

  After ten minutes passed, only the forest sounds surrounded me. I casually moseyed out into the backyard. Mom and I had a garden out back. As long as anyone didn’t see me coming out of the trees, they would assume I was making sure all was okay before heading in for the night. My eyes casted down slightly as they darted back and forth, making sure I was still alone. The fabric of my apron provided a good distraction for my fingers and nervous energy.

  I let out a small breath of relief as I made it to the chicken wire that surrounded our garden. The heat of the August sun had nearly withered it gone. Mom and I had been trying to keep it watered, but we were to be sparing with the use of water. The rain today was already causing it to perk back to life. The garden was about ten feet long and had four rows. All families were expected to grow food and contribute to the common wealth of our community.

  For my normal nightly routine, I walked the perimeter of the chicken wire to make sure the fence was intact. Working in the garden was a pastime Mom and I both enjoyed.

  A lone tear fell down my face as I remembered the quiet laughs we had in here. To outright express an enormous amount of emotion was to waste the burning light within us. All things were to be done in moderation. I had to constantly remind myself of that.

  Had those moments in the garden been a glimpse of my mom before this place? Is that why she broke so many rules like continuing to educate me in secret?

  The rain drizzled. I turned to head into the house I had known as home for as long as I could remember. The black door was in pristine order, like all other doors in The Society. Every house was white with black doors. The Keeper had said the houses were to be white to keep our community pure from the color that threatened to taint us like the rest of the world. The black represented the sin that tried to get in and ruin our way of life. Lies. All of it had been lies.

  I stepped inside and closed the door, removing my bonnet and hanging it on the hanger, thankful that no one would be by tonight. Looking at myself in the mirror, which every house in The Society had to ensure one was presentable before going outside, I looked haggard. My green eyes were dulled and hollowed.

  All I wanted to do was throw the mirror and shatter it like my heart felt.

  I pushed my damp, light-red hair off my face and leaned against the door, turning away from the haunting reflection that stared back at me. My eyes closed shut for a moment as I centered myself and took a deep breath.

  If I chose to look at the letter my mom left, my life would be altered more than it currently was. If I didn’t, I would be wed to John tomorrow and treated as nothing more than a baby maker. When the time was right, I had hoped The Light would grant Matthew and me permission to marry. He was the only person who got me—or the me that I had let him see so far. But if that was what Matthew wanted to talk about tomorrow, was it the right time?

  My head throbbed. The one thing I wanted, I couldn’t have—to crawl in bed with my mom while I asked her endless questions about what I should do. It was against the Keeper’s command to waste time thinking on anything that wasn’t productive. All thoughts were to be used for betterment of The Society. That was hard for me as I constantly desired to learn more.

  I thought back on the last minutes with my mom.

  Candles were lit on every surface, letting The Light know my mom neared the end. It was a haunting site. The Keeper’s raspy voice broke the silence. “Anita, your light has shown bright and will live on in Sarah. You will continue to burn bright in the light her
eafter.”

  My mom closed her eyes in acknowledgment. Speech had stopped hours ago as it exhausted her.

  A week ago, she started not feeling well. We tried all of the herbal remedies, but she never got better. It was a mysterious disease that took one to two people every year from our group. The sickness started as an extreme headache and quickly turned to excessive vomiting.

  Now, not seven days later, she lay in her bed dying and my world was falling apart.

  The Keeper laid his hand on top of Mom’s and looked at me. His steel-colored beady eyes made me feel queasy. “Sarah, we shall give you a few minutes alone with your mom as time is coming. We shall all be downstairs.” A tear seeped from my mom’s eye. She appeared as scared as I felt. How was I going to survive here without her? As soon as we were left alone, I lunged toward my mom’s bed as I allowed the fear of the situation to take root in my mind.

  “Mom, please don’t leave me. I can’t bear to think of a world that you’re not in. You’re my everything,” I sobbed.

  My mom’s hand shook as it came to my face. Her fingernails had become dry, cracked and discolored. The herbalist said it was from lack of nutrition since my mom couldn’t keep anything down. I leaned into the touch before she had to drop her hand while I tried to memorize what it felt like to be near her—warm and loving.

  She softly spoke, “Sarah, I should have told you sooner, but we haven’t been alone since I got sick. The truth is in an envelope in the bottom of the locked chest in the attic. The key is hidden underneath your nightstand. There’s not much time.”

  I became desperate. “Mom, please don’t go.” A sob erupted. “Please. Please.”

  Her eyes closed. “Shh . . . sweetheart. I thought I had more time to prepare. You’re not going to understand what I’m about to say, but it’s the truth. Your real name is Kenzie Brooks. If you want a choice and a say in your life, read the letter. Your inquisitive mind belongs in the world.”