Innocence

by Kristin Mayer

  My heart raced frantically. Kenzie Brooks. I’m Sarah. The world. Choice. Life. Those words were jumbled in my head as my mom’s breathing became more labored. My breathing increased while panic took over. “Mom, please. I don’t know what you’re saying. I don’t understand.”

  We spoke in hushed whispers. “Kenzie, I love you. You are the light in my world. I’m so sorry for the choices I made, but know that I have loved you with my entire heart. Never doubt that.”

  Mom stopped and took a few breaths. These were moments I was supposed to treasure, not be told secrets that would change my life more than it was. I wanted to argue with her, but she didn’t have much time. Her hand got colder. These were the last moments I would ever have with my mom. I wasn’t prepared to be left alone. I wasn’t strong enough to survive without her.

  She continued, her voice growing weaker. “Regardless of what you think of my decision, know that I loved you. I tried to do what was best for you.”

  Closing her eyes for a moment, they fluttered open as I spoke, “I love you, Mom. I will love you regardless of what the letter says. Know that. Always know that I’ll never stop loving you.”

  “You’re so strong, my sweet Kenzie.” Mom’s eyes fully closed. A few more breaths followed, then she exhaled her last breath.

  She was gone. Forever.

  The room seemed dimmer without her in it. I crawled up in bed with Mom and sobbed as I held onto her. My body racked with uncontrolled sadness as I lost the only thing I cared about in this world.

  She was gone. I was alone. Those two words echoed in my head—gone and alone.

  I pushed off the door and decided I was ready to read the letter. Taking off the muddy boots, my footsteps carried me through the kitchen.

  Everything in our two-bedroom home was simplistic and white. No decorations hung on the walls.

  I raced to the top of the stairs as I jumped over the fourth step, avoiding the squeak. At the top, I turned right trying to avoid eye contact with my mom’s bedroom door. She had been alive in there twenty-four hours ago. My heart lurched as it imagined her behind it, waiting for me to come talk to her like I did every night.

  The thud of my heart pulsed in my ears, creating a humming sound that felt like it disconnected me from the outside world. Looking around my simplistic room everything seemed emptier with my mom gone. I jogged to my twin bed, along the far wall and perched on the edge as I eyed the spindle nightstand. My stomach churned with unease as I wondered what the letter said.

  I took off the lamp and sat it on the floor. Staring at the nightstand, I knew once I turned it over there was no going back, no pretending that my mom had been mistaken in what she had told me. This would become my reality and I was going to have to make a choice. A slight tremor started in my fingers.

  The grained wood felt ridged as I ran my fingers over it. Taking a deep breath, I flipped over the nightstand. It didn’t weigh much, but it felt like it was one of the most significant steps I had taken in my life. On the underside, I saw the key affixed to the table that unlocked the trunk. Picking it up, I looked at the old iron ornate key.

  I retraced my steps back out to the landing. Between Mom’s and my room were the steps that came down from the attic. I was tall but was still barely able to reach the string that pulled the ladder from the ceiling. A small creak sounded as the steps unfolded. As soon as they hit the floor, I scurried up the ladder.

  Curiosity and fear of the unknown were driving me. The attic had a faint smell from the heat of the day.

  In the far right corner sat the chest. Apprehensively, I walked toward it. My mom had told me a story about Alice in Wonderland. I felt like Alice going down a black hole. As I crouched in front of the chest, a crow came and perched on the ledge of the tiny octagonal window.

  Caw.

  Caw.

  Caw.

  The sound startled me like the bird was trying to tell on me as I fell back on my rear. The bird pecked twice at the window before flying off.

  My erratic breathing quickened as my shaking hands put the key in the lock and turned it. The attic always gave me nightmares with the looming shadows that seemed to come out of nowhere.

  Getting up on my knees, I opened the chest as it creaked in protest. On top was the quilt my mom had made for my wedding day. My hands traced over the stitching, memorizing the pattern. I took it out and put it aside. Underneath were more blankets and the dress I was to wear at my wedding. Each mom who had a daughter made a dress and quilt when they turned sixteen. They were not to see them until the day of the wedding where they were given over to a Watcher in holy matrimony. Males were not allowed to marry until they became Watchers.

  In theory, a couple approached the Keeper to ask The Light if they had permission to marry. Scoffing, I wondered what had been truly visions or was everything a manipulation.

  There was a black backpack I had never seen before at the bottom of the cedar lined trunk. I picked it up and sat cross legged on the floor. In the front zipper, there was an envelope with my name on it.

  It was my mom’s handwriting. I caressed the words with love as the sun lowered in the sky. The last of the light shone through as I opened the envelope and a small key fell out. I read.

  My dearest Kenzie (Sarah),

  If you are reading this, it means I am no longer with you. I’m sorry I left you alone and that you’re possibly confused right now. Time is limited as I can’t get caught writing this letter before someone comes to check on me. I’m too weak now to make it to the doctor in the outside world for the proper medication, whatever it may be.

  Sarah, your real name is Kenzie Samantha Brooks. My real name is Jessica Brooks. Your father’s name was David Brooks. We came to The Society when you were almost three, after your father had died in a motorcycle accident. My world was lost. I had no family, no way to support us, no hope left for survival. One day, we were at a park in a nearby town. The Keeper approached me and called himself Jacob. I’m sure I looked lost and lonely.

  I don’t have time to explain how we came to The Society, but there’s another letter at the address listed at the end of this note that explains everything.

  When we came here, I told the Keeper your real name was Maggie. I’m not sure why I lied, but it was a good decision. At The Society we were isolated, had a home, no bills, and were able to be together. You and I were left alone and it was the closest thing to feeling complete I could imagine.

  As years passed, I began to see that those who completely succumbed to the ways of The Society were lifeless and hollow. They lacked that spark. I feared that would happen to you. The moment you appeared lost or a vision came for you to be married, we were going to leave. There was no way I would ever ask you to marry someone that you didn’t love as much as I loved your dad. I know you think you and Matthew are supposed to be together because of what The Keeper said. All I ask is that you search your heart, Kenzie. Make sure it’s not because it’s expected for you to marry him.

  Kenzie, you have a gift for life, and a beautiful inquisitive mind. Don’t let that flame become an ember and die out. Don’t let it be snuffed and the vibrant Kenzie I have always known become smoke within the wind dissipating into nothing.

  My only regret is that I didn’t get you out of here before I died.

  Kenzie, I only gave about twenty-five percent of what I had to The Society. Everything else, I put in a safety deposit box along with more things from your father and me. The choice is yours Kenzie. The key in the envelope goes to the safety deposit box at the bank address listed below. Your birth certificate is at the bottom of this backpack and will be enough to get you into the security box. I was able to sneak the money and the certificate in when we initially came here. It’s been underneath the boards of one of the steps.

  When you get to Arkansas, go to the bank, then find a library. They’re an amazing wealth of knowledge and will be able to get yourself more up to speed of current events. Your inquisitive mind will help you ada
pt quickly.

  Check out colleges, I think you would enjoy it with your enthusiasm for knowledge. If you decide to give college a try, tell them you were homeschooled and need a placement test. Being a teacher, hopefully I prepared you enough. The one thing you’ll be lacking in is technology since our lessons never included it.

  Whether you choose to stay or run, burn this letter. They can never know you found it and know the truth. This letter will make you an outcast forever, eliminating your freedoms. You know too much about The Society for them to let you go. Do you remember Rebecca Donovan, our neighbor from ten years ago? After her husband died, she wanted to leave and experience the outside world. She met with the Keeper to let him know. Only I knew about her talk with him. After the meeting, Rebecca died within a week.

  I always wondered if that truly was a coincidence.

  If you choose to leave. Make sure you lock this chest, put the key in my dresser and take the backpack with you. Put the house together just as it would be. Leave a note that says you cannot live here without me and have to join me in the light. They need to think you’re gone, Kenzie. They won’t want you out there, knowing about The Society.

  As soon as you get in the woods, change into the jeans and T-shirt that are in this backpack. They will probably be a little big, but they will work until you can get more. The nearest bus station is a three-hour walk to the northwest. Use the stars like they taught you in class. Get rid of your clothes as soon as you can.

  Leave no trace. Tell no one.

  Get a bus ticket to Fayetteville, Arkansas where the bank is,Stacy using the money in the backpack. After that, go on an adventure. I have no connections in Arkansas so you should be safe there if you decide to stay.

  The choice is yours. Live your life.

  Don’t stay out of fear or the need to be near our home. Kenzie, I‘ll be with you wherever you go. The world is a big beautiful place despite what you’ve been taught. Embrace it.

  The things I showed you in secret and asked you to never tell anyone—dancing, painting, birthday parties, and stories—are from the outside world. If you decide to leave, you’re going to be frightened, but you’re strong enough, sweetheart.

  I know you have more questions than I’ve given you answers to. You may never get all the answers you seek and I’m sorry for that. If I had the time to write everything out, I would have. But, I know you’ll adapt and be fine.

  Remember, do what your heart tells you, not your mind.

  I hope you know, even though my actions don’t necessarily make sense, that I love you with my entire heart. You and your father were my everything. Live your life Kenzie. Make your choices.

  Be Free.

  I love you forever and always.

  Mom

  First National Bank

  Box # 158

  College Avenue

  Fayetteville, Arkansas

  As I finished reading, my breaths were coming in and out nearly ragged as I tried to process everything quickly. There wasn’t much time to decide.

  The sun was almost gone and the routine of burning the candle at my bedroom window came to the forefront of my mind. We were to light a candle that burned anywhere for two to ten hours every night until the flame died out. It signified that our time here on Earth was limited and to always focus on the flame burning as you never knew when it could vanish. I raced down the ladder, abandoning my letter on the floor. I made it to the drawer and calmly put the candle in the window and lit it solemnly like I did every night. One of the Watchers would walk down the street, making sure everyone had their candles out. I stood there like I always did and watched the flame dance for a couple of minutes, imagining two figures dancing. One evening, as the last of the sun’s rays came through the attic window, mom showed me how to dance in the attic. I treasured those memories.

  I took a step back and drew the window sheer down a safe distance from the flame. Turning away, I walked toward my bed. If someone was watching, they’d assume I was exhausted, which I was, and turning in from my day of grieving.

  My mom is gone.

  Every time I thought about it, my heart shattered a million times more. Now, I had the weight of the truth bearing down on me. I still wasn’t sure if I fully comprehended the consequence of what my decision would entail. The unknown scared me. I was running out of time to decide.

  Did I stay or go?

  Did I choose to be free or confined?

  Did I leave the only place I knew as home?

  TO EVERYONE WHO WAS PART of the process, thank you for all you did to make this possible. Mad love for each and every one of you guys.

  To my editor, Nichole, thank you for putting up with all my many questions and making the story shine. I can’t wait to work with you on our next project.

  To my formatter, Christine, thank you for the beautiful formatting job. You always blow me away with your concepts.

  To my amazing photographer April Park, it is truly an incredible experience to watch you with a camera.

  To Abby, Calvin, Sylvia, and Clover, thank you for being part of the cover process. That was an amazing experience to be a part of. I’m still swooning.

  To my Betas—Brandy, Kelly, Nikola, and Anna, thank you for all your honest feedback. It means the world to me.

  3K’s and a J—Karen, Kelly, and Jenney, you guys mean the world to me. Thank you for always being there.

  To the Korner, thank you for always putting a smile on my face. You guys are amazing and I’m lucky to have you guys in my life.

  #TeamJeff, thanks for answering all my questions I had.