Give a Little

by Lee Kilraine

  Fuck, I knew that feeling. That soul-crushing feeling.

  “Don’t you think I don’t regret that I didn’t get off the highway when I knew I was tired? I live with that regret every single day. It’s a cold, lonely place to be stuck. But with each day I get through I know that I don’t want to dwell in regret. I want to be more than just a survivor. I refuse to let the guilt overcome me. Honestly, I think that’s the easier choice. It’s easier to wallow in the guilt, to beat myself up over it every day.

  “What’s been harder has been picking up the pieces of my life. Trying to find the happy moments. Gluing those happy moments together into a happy day or into a good week and that week into a good month.”

  I never would have guessed it from the first time I met Contessa Madigan but she had all the qualities we Thorne brothers admired. Strength, resilience, willingness to put in the hard work, a sense of humor. The fact that she was sexy as hell was a bonus.

  “I thought I was in love with a man who I could go through life with. I was so very wrong. Love is like a boat on the ocean. There’s a lot of smooth sailing but it’s when things get rough, if it’s not real, it breaks apart. Paul couldn’t handle the storms that hit me. He wasn’t strong enough. He didn’t know how to fight, or he didn’t care enough to.”

  Damn, I still wanted to throttle her ex. Except, if he hadn’t walked away from her, we might never have found each other.

  “I think you’re different, Gray. I see how you are with your brothers, and you’re there for them. You don’t give up on them. You guys never have given up on each other. I look at you, and I don’t just see the super-hot guy—which you are by the way. No, I see a man who has emotional depth. So deep he’s had to hide from it because his guilt won’t let him snatch his own happiness until he knows all his brothers are happy first. You’ve been holding it together for your whole life. You’ve got inner strength like honed steel and you’ve navigated the stormy seas in a way that takes my breath away.”

  Tessa looked at me, looking unsure, which I got, because I wasn’t reacting.

  To be honest, she was hitting me with so much I was having trouble absorbing it all. Mostly because I wanted to hold up each of her words, turn each one around, hear it over and over again in my head. Wallpaper my heart with them and let them act like Band-Aids, helping heal the scars from my childhood.

  “I drove here,” Tessa said.

  “What did you say?”

  “You heard me. I drove here.” Her eyes locked on mine and she lifted her chin defensively. “I thought… If I was calling you out to give up the guilt and pain you were clinging to—then I needed to do the same.”

  “God, Tessa. You didn’t have to do that. You didn’t have to do that for me.”

  “I didn’t. I did it for me. This”—she threw off the trench coat—“this I did for you.”

  “That’s fantastic,” I said. It was. Tessa stood in a barely-there belly dancing outfit: a bedazzled bikini top and silk pants that hung low on her hips. She was all smooth skin and silk. “The outfit and the driving.”

  “It wasn’t. I drove fifteen miles per hour and backed up traffic for a mile. I doubt I’ll do it again anytime soon. But—I think with time—and therapy—I’ll try again.”

  “So, you’re saying this”—I ran my hand in the air up and down her length—“this belly dancing costume is for me? I like it; I like it a lot. But why? I feel like I’m missing something here.”

  I liked it so much I already had three sexy, dirty scenarios cued up. Assuming Tessa was willing.

  “I’m Olga, the mysterious belly dancing Russian.”

  “I see that, Tessa. I’m still drawing a blank here, darlin’.”

  “I was desperate, okay? All of Gigi’s techniques were failing. I didn’t want to mess this up again, so I combined the last two to double the power. This disguise was the last trick to attract you. That’s how Olga zee mysterious belly dancing Russian was born.” She smiled and arched an eyebrow. “Looks like it worked, huh?”

  I shoved my hands in my pockets to keep from reaching for her and dropped my head, looking at my shoes until I could control the grin trying to take over my face. Once I got my face serious, I looked back up at her.

  “Okay, maybe not. Either way, this driving thing, my anxiety, it’s not your problem to solve.”

  “I know that. I know you’ll figure it out. Hell, Tessa, look what you’ve overcome. I just want you to know there’s no pressure. Sully and I will be here to help any way you need. Even if you never drive again it’s not a big deal. I can drive. One of my brothers can drive. Joe your personal Uber driver can. We’ll figure it out.”

  “We?”

  “Yes, we. Are you done?” I asked, taking her hand in mine.

  “For now. Your turn.”

  “Tessa, why didn’t you tell me about your mom?”

  “What?” she whispered.

  “Your mom, Tess, I’m sorry about your mom.” I wrapped her up in my arms. Tight. “Sweetheart, why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I couldn’t. I couldn’t talk about it because talking about it meant I had to accept that it was my fault. How do you accept that you were the one behind the wheel when someone you loved died? I probably could’ve done a hundred things differently that would’ve changed the outcome. Maybe even just one thing and she’d still be alive today.”

  “No, Tessa. Babe, you can’t do that. You can’t.” I lifted her jaw and pressed my lips to her forehead. “It wasn’t your fault. Sometimes you’re just in the wrong place at the wrong time. And sometimes no matter how much you love someone, and how much you try, it’s not going to change what happens.”

  “Then why is Ryker your fault? If you’re responsible for Ryker, then I’m responsible for my mom. It’s no different. Why do you get to cling to your guilt but I have to give mine up?”

  And there it was. I had to let it go. If I could see it so easily in Tessa, then I had to admit my guilt was no different. It was exactly what my brothers had been pounding into my head this week.

  “I don’t. I don’t get to cling to it. I’ve got to let it go. I’ve got to let it go for me…and for you. And for Ryker. It’s not helping any one of us. Not doing a damn thing hanging on to my guilt.”

  “I agree. No more guilt. No more ‘what ifs’.”

  “No more. No more hanging on to the past. It’s just the two of us right here in this moment. We’ve both lost people we love. No way in hell I’m losing another.” I must have squeezed her too tight, because she let out a squeak. I loosened my grip on her and backed up to see her face clearly.

  “Are you saying…?” Her eyes gazed up at me in wonder.

  “I’ve spent my whole life closed off from everyone but my brothers. I couldn’t afford to trust anyone else. And then you came along and slammed the door in my face.” She dropped her head onto my chest with a groan. Hell, I’d even trusted her with the one and only secret I’d kept from my brothers before I’d had the nerve to tell them. “You pushed every one of my buttons. You burst through all the walls I’d erected to keep everyone else out and burrowed right into my heart. I’m saying I love you, Tessa.”

  She smiled up at me, so beautiful it took away my breath. Her eyes brimmed with tears as they searched my face. She melted against me and whispered, “Finally home.”

  Finally home? Home. Yeah, that felt exactly right.

  “One last thing… You said to think about all the time I’ve wasted waiting to hear from Ryker. And I hear you. I’ve thought about that myself over the years as I’ve struggled with my guilt. But you know what I figured out?” I slid my hand into her silky hair, using my thumb to tilt her face until our gazes met. “I wasn’t wasting time. I was waiting for you to show up in my life.”

  “I guess that’s what soul mates do.” She went up on her toes, bringing her lips to mine.

 
I wrapped my hands around her face, loving the taste of her, our tongues exploring each other, her hands on my chest. We kissed until we needed a breath. I pulled my lips away and held her against my chest. I’d be fine if I never had to let her go.

  “I’ve never made love to a mysterious Russian belly dancer named Olga. But I sure would like to scratch that off my bucket list tonight.”

  “Deal, but you’ll owe me.”

  “Happy to fulfill any fantasy you have.”

  “You already have, Gray Thorne. You already have.”

  Epilogue

  Gray

  One Month Later…

  The thing about a fantasy was as soon as you fulfilled it, a new one cropped up. I’m not saying that was a bad thing. Not at all. It kept life exciting. Not that I needed any more excitement than I had with Tessa.

  Having never done the relationship thing, I was throwing myself heart and soul into it. I liked seeing two toothbrushes in my bathroom. I liked having Tessa’s feminine crap on my bathroom counter, her lingerie in my drawers, and her clothes adding up in my closet.

  I liked seeing her in one of my too-large sweaters, so it fell off her shoulder, leaving it naked and easily accessible. More than anything, I liked—no, I loved waking up to her face every morning. I didn’t think that would ever get old.

  I loved knowing her so well that I knew every spot on her body guaranteed to make her melt and purr. And that I could tell when she was in pain when I saw the barely-there scar on her chin turn white with tension. A useful tool since the woman never complained.

  I especially loved seeing two toothbrushes in Tessa’s bathroom. I was slowly claiming my territory in her place. Sully didn’t seem to mind. If Tessa’s smiles were anything to go by, she didn’t mind either. In fact, she’d donated her copy of Old Yeller to the library. Said she couldn’t imagine needing to cry that hard again.

  I was in Tessa’s family room recladding the old orange brick of her fireplace with a smooth, dark gray slate. Sure I could have had one of the subcontractors do the work, but there was something about using my own hands for my woman that satisfied some deep urge in me. Maybe some ancient connection to dragging a mastodon back to the cave for dinner. Or maybe simply the smile that lit up Tessa’s face when she saw one of my newly-completed projects around her house. I did like putting a smile on her face.

  Tessa’s reno had stalled again. All the dirty work was complete: Old drywall ripped out. Walls moved and rooms opened up. All new wiring. Bathrooms torn out and redone. New drywall installed, taped, and primed. The job had moved along smoothly, until we hit the final stage.

  I was having trouble getting Tessa to make final decisions on paint, lighting, and even furnishings. Granted, she’d been working with her therapist on her driving anxiety, so it could very well be she was simply too busy. But it felt like there was something else going on.

  As I worked I tried to puzzle it out. The frustrating thing was I was ready for everything. When I fell for Tessa, I fell hard and all the way. I was ready for a lifetime commitment. But common sense told me to slow down and take the time for the normal progression. Which meant asking Tessa to move in with me. Or I could move in here. My place, her place. I didn’t care as long as we were together.

  But maybe Tessa’s inability to make final design decisions was a sign I was moving too fast. Maybe I needed to back off and let this go at her pace. When I placed the last slate tile, I climbed down from the ladder for a look. Yep. It looked great. Perfect. Which was fast becoming the theme in my life lately.

  Things were almost damn perfect. Except that we still hadn’t heard from Ryker. It had been weeks since I’d left him the messages, and the more I thought about it, the more pissed off I got. He either was seriously fucked up—in which case he damn well needed us—or he had a fucking chip on his shoulder, which… How the hell could I fix it if he wasn’t willing to talk to me?

  Ryker was being pissy. That’s right. I said it. Pissy. I grabbed my phone from my back pocket and connected the call to him, fired up and ready to call him out on his bullshit.

  “Goddammit, Ryker. This is enough. Now you’re just fucking with me. Where the fuck are you? You know you’re not the only one hurting here. So get your head out of your ass and get home. Do you fucking hear me? Get your ass home.”

  I ended the call with a stab of my thumb and tossed my phone onto the coffee table with a little more force than necessary.

  Shit. What was I doing? I was losing it. Ryker didn’t owe me one damn thing. I pulled in a deep breath of air through my nose and released it slowly. Then I picked up my phone and hit redial.

  Leave a message at the beep.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. It’s just… We had plans, Ryker. Remember? We were going to live on the same block. Raise our kids on the same street. We’d coach their Little League team together. Ry… Ry… I’ve met someone. I think you’d like her. And Beck’s in love. Wyatt’s found somebody. We’re all waiting for you. I don’t want to get married without you. That’s not the way it’s supposed to be. You’re supposed to be my best man. And I’m supposed to be yours. Hell, I haven’t even asked her—but I want to. And I want you here going through this with me. Just like we planned. If you need help—come home; let us help. We’ve all got this gaping hole in our lives where you belong…” I blinked and swallowed, trying to ease the tightness of my throat. “…I love you, Ry.”

  I hung up, sliding my phone into my back pocket. I closed my eyes and forced myself to let it go. For now. Like I said, I had too much perfect in my life not to appreciate it. I grabbed a broom and swept up the small chips of stone and dust that had escaped the protective cardboard over the wooden floor around the fireplace. Standing back, it looked good. The slate warm and sexy. It could swing modern or classic depending on how Tessa wanted to decorate.

  I used the hem of my T-shirt to wipe some of the sweat and tile dust from my face, then grabbed up my water and chugged it down as I walked into the kitchen to grab another from the fridge.

  Wyatt’s cat, Chloe, wound herself between my feet, meowing sweetly in hopes that I’d give her one of Tessa’s cat treats. I gave her three. Cat-sitters are allowed some leeway for spoiling the cat, right?

  “Gray! I’m home!” Tessa called from the foyer. “Guess what?”

  “In the kitchen, Tess.” I grinned, knowing I’d never guess what. It was usually something out of the blue with Tessa. A fun story from volunteering or something crazy she and Gigi did.

  Sully sped into the kitchen first, so excited he kept sliding even after he put the brakes on and crashed into my legs. Sully’s entrance was Chloe’s cue to exit. She disappeared. Not because she was afraid of Sully. No, the two got along great. She liked to hide and pounce on him out of nowhere. It was darn amusing to watch, and according to his wagging tail, Sully loved the game.

  “I dro—” She’d just entered the room when she stopped mid-sentence. Stopped mid-step, her gaze slowly roaming over me—over my jeans, my tool belt, and my chest—before her eyes finally met mine. “Wait. Don’t move. Now, take off your shirt.”

  “What?”

  “Gray, I’m just asking…”

  Okay. I lifted my hand to the back of my t-shirt behind the neck and pulled it up and off.

  “This is it. This is the dream. Gray Thorne standing in my kitchen in faded jeans, bare chest, and a low-riding tool belt.” She blinked at me, her eyes bright and her cheeks flushed.

  “Yeah?” My lips slid into a slow grin. “What’s supposed to happen next—in this dream?”

  “You ravish me. You have your wicked way with me,” Tessa said, while her gaze was having its wicked way with my chest.

  “I like that idea. I like it a lot. First, tell me your ‘guess what’.”

  “Oh! Right.” She grinned up at me, her smile full of accomplishment. “I drove my van through River Hill,
Pointer’s Run, and the Terraces today. I even went the speed limit. I delivered three bags of food, helped ferry a cat to a vet appointment, and gave Mrs. Baxter’s beagle, Sugar, a bath. Isn’t that great?”

  “Tremendous. Not that I had any doubts.” I moved in front of her, took her hands in mine, and twined them around my waist before wrapping her up in my arms. But the pure joy on her face, without a bit of disappointment, was proof of a theory I’d developed about Tessa and her business. “How did treat sales go?”

  “Not great, but it’s only been a few months.” She shrugged. “And if the treats don’t work, I’ll tweak my business model until it’s a success.”

  “It already is.”

  “I thought a business had to turn a profit to be designated a success,” she said.

  “I used to think that too. It took me a while to figure it out, but you didn’t start your mobile treat van to become a booming business.” I watched her carefully even though her eyes were now avoiding mine by staying glued to my chest.

  “I didn’t?”

  “Nope. I’ll go out on a limb and say you one hundred percent started it so you could help people going through rehab—people unable to drive themselves and possibly housebound—help them care for and keep their pets.” I loved this woman.

  “Okay, that’s true. But I am hoping it will pay for itself. And maybe a bit more, you know, so I can eat.”

  “Guarantee if you sell your cupcakes you’ll eat like a queen.” Tessa’s cakes and cupcakes were fucking amazing. My brothers had caught on and were always trying to sweet talk her into bringing a cake to some event.

  She leaned up and kissed me. “Thank you. I love baking, but baking cakes for a business is a lot more work than making pet treats. Now that I’ve got my migraines under control with my new medication, I could take on a small accounting job. Just a few hours a week. That might cover what I need.”

  “You sure?” I made enough to support us both. But I understood her desire to support herself and get back to a productive life. Also, we hadn’t talked about a life together yet. We were together, but not officially. Which I was trying to do, but just hadn’t figured out how to bring it up.