Plastic Hearts

by De Jong, Lisa

  We stayed connected forever; I didn’t want him to pull away when he sat on his heels and began to slowly pull down my panties. Panic really started to set in as he pulled down his own boxers; this would be the last time he would enter my body. It was the last time we would have this connection. Dane was my first and I had always hoped he would be my last, but it just wasn’t meant to be. I wondered if anything good was ever meant to be.

  As if he knew what I needed, what I so desperately wanted, he began to slowly enter me. His motions remained slow and deliberate as he told me how beautiful I was, that he loved me, that I was his forever. Tears slowly began to roll down the side of my face and it took everything I had to compose myself enough to tell Dane I loved him too. I wiped my hand over my face to hide the tears. I thought back to the night in the club when we first met. I had never believed in fate, but I think fate put us there and then in the same Art class. I remembered the first time he kissed me in the art gallery; it was the first time I lived life like no one was watching me. I remembered the first time we ate at the little Italian restaurant that we had visited many times since. It was now a sentimental place and I would see Dane every time I walked past it. I thought back to the first time we were like this. How he made me feel so much love that I felt no pain. I wished he could do that now. I wished he could wash all my pain away this time.

  My mind was in such a state of overdrive that I couldn’t find my release. I was too far inside my own head to let myself be in the moment. Dane found his too soon; it could have lasted for hours and it would have been too soon for me. I wrapped my arms around him and held him as tight as I could while our bodies were still joined. Our chests were touching and his heartbeat mirrored mine. After a few minutes, he rolled over on his back and cradled me into his chest. “I love you, Baby,” he said, kissing the top of my head. I loved the husky sound of his voice after sex. Everything about him was sexy.

  “I love you, too. Don’t ever forget it.” I lifted my head to kiss his chin. He began to rub circles on my back again until he fell asleep, his body wrapped around mine. I laid there and listened to him breath for a while before freeing my body from his. It physically hurt to be separated from him. He shifted to his side, causing me to freeze in place for a minute until I knew he was still sound asleep. I threw his t-shirt back on and put on the pair of jeans I’d worn into the apartment earlier. I grabbed my purse and disappeared into the bathroom to write him a final goodbye, tears rolling down my face, hands shaking.

  Dane,

  I am not sure I can ever put into words how much you mean to me. I love you more than anything in this world. I hope you can forgive me some day.

  You and I were not meant to be. I can’t see you anymore. Do not make this harder than it already is. I wish you the best and hope you know that I will always love you.

  Alex

  I laid the note on the table by his bed, taking one final glance at the beautiful man lying naked on the bed. I couldn’t even begin to put into words how much it broke my heart to know this was the last time I would see him like that. I felt sick to my stomach as I slipped on my shoes and quietly exited the apartment with my things. It took everything I had not to fall to my knees and cry in the three blocks from his apartment to my dorm. My heart felt like it had been ripped out of my chest and thrown in the garbage disposal.

  I was grateful Jade wasn’t in our room when I opened the door. I wondered when she would be back. She would tell me I was a fool and it would be true. I was a cowardly fool who would continue with her Pre-Med degree to make Mommy and Daddy happy. Jade was going to be upset with me; that was a guarantee. I wondered if she would understand if she had been with me this morning in the study. I wondered if anyone would understand. The time alone was what I needed to sort through everything.

  I left Dane’s t-shirt on and pulled on a pair of cotton shorts. Slowly sliding under the covers, I finally let go. I cried because my heart was lying back in his apartment in a million pieces. I cried because I realized that I would never love like this again. Dane had my heart and I would never get it back. I cried because I had happiness in my hand and threw it away. I cried until there were no more tears left to fall down my cheek and slipped back into the numbness that engulfed me before I gave my heart to Dane.

  After hours of crying, I must have fallen asleep because I was jolted awake by pounding at the door. I didn’t have to look to see who it was. Instead I pulled the covers tightly over my head, willing the sound to go away. “Alex, open this goddamn door! Right. Now.” I knew he would be upset, but I hadn’t prepared myself for what I would do when he came to my door. He wasn’t going to leave here without an explanation and I owed him one. I owed him everything, but I wasn’t strong enough to give it to him.

  “Alex, Baby, please just tell me what I did.” His voice was so pained. My poor, sweet Dane. I didn’t want him to think he did anything wrong, but I couldn’t will any words out of my mouth. Every minute I looked at his sad expression and heard the pain in his voice felt like another nail to my already fragile heart.

  “Alex, I’m not leaving until you talk to me,” he said, his voice a little lower. It was quiet for a while before I heard him yell “Fuck!” and what sounded like a fist making contact with the wall outside my door. I winced. I desperately wanted to go out there and tell him everything would be okay, but I knew it wouldn’t. My life was stuck in a compressor and I had nowhere to go. I felt so hopeless: I knew exactly what I wanted, but I couldn’t have it.

  It had been quiet for along time when I heard Jade’s voice outside the door. “What are you doing down there?” I hadn’t planned on Jade coming home. I scolded myself for not texting her, but now it was too late. I heard Dane’s voice, but couldn’t make out his words as Jade turned her key in the lock.

  Jade walked in as Dane practically shoved her out of the way, making his way to my side of the room in a few short steps and pulling the covers from my face. His eyes were puffy and bloodshot. I closed my eyes, trying to combat my growing guilt. “Why wouldn’t you answer the door? Why did you shut me out? What did I do?” He kneeled beside the bed and cupped my cheeks in his hands. “Alex, talk to me. You can’t just leave me a fucking note and expect me stay away.” I opened my eyes to meet his. They are full of so much pain. “Say something, please.”

  “Dane, you need to go.” My voice was shaky as tears rolled down my cheeks once again.

  “I’m not going anywhere until you talk to me,” he snapped. The hurt and anger I heard in his voice broke me. For as long as I lived, I would see that pained expression every time I closed my eyes. How could I hurt the man that I loved? Was I really any better than them? Then I remember my plastic heart, the gift from my upbringing. If my family members could do this, so could I. It was time to step back from my heart and detach myself completely. My whole body trembled at the realization, but it was the only way this was going to work.

  I would never know where what came out of my mouth next came from. I took a deep breath and squared my shoulders. “I can’t be with you, Dane. I can’t love you the way you need to be loved; I thought I could but I can’t,” I said. Each word made my heart bleed a little more. This was draining everything out of me.

  His brows pulled together as his forehead wrinkled. “What? I don’t believe one fucking word you’re saying to me right now.” I finally met his eyes again. Had he been crying? “What the fuck is going on, Alex? Talk to me.”

  “Dane, you need to go!” There wasn’t much more I could take before I would completely cave to those glassy green eyes. I was breaking him and I knew it.

  “Is there someone else?” Holy hell, where had this all gone so wrong? How could he even think there would be someone else while I was in love with him?

  What I did next was wrong. It was so very wrong but Dane had given me an easy way out. “Yes,” I whispered, not meeting his eyes. My throat tightened when I spoke and I instantly felt sick. He let go of my face and the anger in his eyes quick
ly multiplied. I was silently begging him to believe me and leave. This was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. I had to close my eyes to keep my composure.

  “Who? Tell. Me.” I didn’t answer him. There wasn’t an answer to give. He stood there for a second, just staring down at me. “I can’t believe you’re fucking doing this to me, Alex,” he said running his hands over his face before turning around, opening the door and slamming it so hard that one of Jade’s pin boards fell from the wall.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered, before I started weeping uncontrollably again.

  “What the HELL was THAT?” Jade asked. Her voice was controlled, but laced with anger. I knew she would be angry. I deserved whatever she had to say. I was ashamed of what I’d become. “What the hell was that?”

  “I can’t do it anymore. I can’t be with Dane and be what my parents want me to be. They are two different worlds that don’t go together; I realized that this weekend. This hurts so freaking bad, but I don’t see any other way. I love him, but he deserves better,” I replied as tears rolled down my cheeks. It was hard to get the words to pass through my throat. I could barely breath through the pain and tears. I closed my eyes and all I could see was his face before he slammed my door.

  I don’t know if the look in her eyes was pity or confusion or maybe a mixture of both. She sat down on the end of my bed and examined my face for several seconds before talking. “Why did you tell him there’s someone else? You and I both know that there is no one else and you just threw the gasoline on the fire with that one.”

  “I know. I knew if I said yes, he would get angry and leave. I couldn’t just sit here and see him hurting because of me. I made my decision and I have to live with it, but it’s going to be hard to do that if he doesn’t let it go.” More tears rolled down my face. I wondered if Dane was crying right now. What have I done to him? What did I do to us? I was no better than my parents.

  “Oh, honey, when are you going to start listening to your heart and quit letting your parents run the course of your life? You know they aren’t happy, right?”

  “What are you talking about?” I asked, wiping my eyes with my sleeves.

  “Just listen for a second. Your parents are miserable. They may have the material things in life, and have everyone convinced that their life together is perfect, but is that truly what you want for yourself? If you can honestly tell me that is what you want, you aren’t the Alex I know. The Alex I know wants to be in love.” Jade was the second person today to look at me with anger in her eyes. Jade was rubbing salt into the wound, but I deserved it.

  “Of course I don’t want a relationship like my parents. I need them to accept me. I don’t know why, but it’s important to me.” I sat there chipping the pink polish that remained from my sister’s wedding off my nails. I couldn’t tell Jade about their ultimatums. She was my best friend and I knew if I told her the real reason I was doing this, she would jump in her car and head straight to Greenwich. If she did that, they would most certainly ruin Dane’s life. He didn’t deserve that.

  “Dammit, Alex, you don’t even want to be a doctor! Have you ever heard of student loans? College isn’t just for rich kids you know!” Oh, I knew that. I looked it up online one day, but she didn’t mention how much I would be disappointing my parents by not becoming a doctor, by staying with Dane and becoming an artist. I didn’t need the being-an-artistis-not-a-real-job talk again.

  “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Just leave it alone. I barely got any sleep last night and I have a test tomorrow. Please!” I rolled onto my side, shutting her out completely.

  “Fine, but we’re not done with this conversation. I can’t believe you did that to Dane. Seriously, Alex.” And she was gone, off my bed and into the bathroom. I let the tears fall again. I replayed the last few months in my mind, trying to figure out where it all went wrong. I made a choice one-day to give Dane a chance and it changed my life. I now knew what it was like to be in love. I didn’t regret it; I could never regret the best months of my life. I only regretted today and everything that had happened that landed me in my bed alone with my tear soaked pillow. This day had been the most draining of all my years and I just wanted it to be over with.

  I stayed in bed all day Monday and Tuesday, only getting up to use the bathroom and to grab a drink of water. No part of me wanted to shower, eat, or have any type of human interaction. I even emailed my professor and made up an excuse with hopes of rescheduling my test. I didn’t care if he accepted it or not. I could care less about class; I couldn’t concentrate so there was no point in going. My phone beeped a couple of times with texts and I had three missed calls, but none were from Dane. I didn’t expect him to call after what I had done to him. I just missed him; missed the sound of his voice, the feel of his lips, his hands and his eyes. As long as I lived, I would miss everything about him.

  I cried a little less each day, but there was a growing hole where my heart once was. I guess it was hard to cry when your heart was evaporating in your chest. I had lost so much in the last few days and my life was forever changed. I was back to being the old Alexandra, but with less hope and half the heart.

  I called my parents on Tuesday night. I needed them to know I made my choice before they had a chance to hurt Dane and cause more issues for him. My mom answered right away, just like clockwork. “Good evening, Riley residence.”

  “It’s me,” I replied. My voice was little more than a whisper as the pain of what I’d done yesterday lay fresh on my mind. I didn’t want to have anything to do with them, but my hands were tied.

  “You sound tired, have you been staying out late?”

  “No, it’s just been a long couple of days,” I said, trying to hold in all emotion.

  “Alexandra, have you thought about what we discussed Sunday?” she asked. Her voice was cold, yet amused.

  I took a deep breath as I tried to hold myself together, “I did it. Dane and I are no longer together.” A chill ran through my body when the words came out of my mouth.

  “Good girl. Are you coming home for spring break? Your father and I are heading to Vail one more time before the season is over.” I flinched. My heart was broken. I wished just this once she would comfort me or ask how I was doing. My parents had made me choose and had caused this mess. Couldn’t she help me just this once? When I left Greenwich to come to NYU, I thought I would have a new beginning. I was naïve to think my parents would loosen their reigns simply because I was no longer under their roof. Since my sister was now married, I was the last one left to control.

  “I don’t think so. Look, I have to study; I’ll talk to you later.” I didn’t wait for her reply as I set my phone down. I did what she wanted, but she didn’t care about my feelings. I didn’t know why I expected a different outcome. There was never one. I was starving for their attention right now. I certainly got it when I was doing something they didn’t like. But, now that I did what they wanted, life would go back to normal. I would be invisible until they needed me or I did something else wrong through their eyes. I hated that they did this to me. I hated that they did this to Dane.

  Wednesday hit me hard. I had to rejoin society at some point, but it felt too soon. I was long overdue for a shower so I conquered that first. I threw on a pair of black yoga pants, a long-sleeve grey t-shirt and my black flats before putting my hair into a loose knot at the top of my head.

  My stomach felt hollow so I headed to the campus coffee shop to grab a blueberry bagel and a large latte. I picked a chair by the window and tore off small pieces of bagel as I watched groups of students walk by. Life continued around me while I felt frozen in place. I had everything I wanted one minute and the next it was all ripped away. It was unfair. Do you ever look at people’s faces when they walk by and wonder what they’re thinking? I watched as one girl walked by, talking on her cell phone. It didn’t take much to realize that the person on the other end made her happy because her eyes sparkled as the corners of her mout
h turned up. She didn’t look like she had a care in the world. I wanted to be like her and go about my life without having to worry about anyone’s desires but my own. That wasn’t my reality though.

  I pulled out my Anatomy book, taking my attention away from the window, and began to study. I had a few minutes before I needed to head to class and the last thing I wanted or needed to do was to think about all the things that couldn’t be. I had cried so many tears and ran through so many different ways to make things better, but all I was left with was overwhelming exhaustion.

  I was packing up my things when my phone beeped. I looked down to see a message from Jade:

  Jade: U OK?

  Alex: Y, off to class.

  Jade: U going to class???

  Alex: Y, test

  Jade: Good girl! TTYL

  Alex: K

  As much as Jade got on my nerves, she was a great friend and I was lucky to have her as my roommate. She brought a pizza home last night and made me eat; I had barely touched food all week. She didn’t bring up Dane again and I was thankful for that. Therapists tell you to talk through your issues, but I couldn’t; the mention of his name made my stomach clench and made pain shoot through me. I missed him so much that I not only emotionally felt pain, but physically too. It was almost unbearable.

  During my walk across campus, I realized I needed to talk to Mr. Thomas and see if I could move to one of the empty seats that were vacated by students who dropped the class. There was no way I could talk to Dane or be that close to him without touching him. If I had to sit next to him for the rest of the semester, it would be a reminder of everything I left behind.