Plastic Hearts

by De Jong, Lisa

  Mr. Thomas was at the front of the room writing today’s assignment on the board when I entered the classroom. I cleared my throat to get his attention. “Mr. Thomas, can I talk to you for a minute?”

  “Sure, Alex, what can I do for you?” He kept writing while I decided how to say what I needed to say. My mind wasn’t as sharp as usual and everything seemed more complicated these days.

  “I need to switch seats,” I finally whispered.

  He quit writing and turned toward me. “Why? Is everything alright?”

  “Yes. I mean, it is, but I need to sit somewhere else for the rest of the semester. Mr. Wright and I aren’t exactly getting along right now and I need to focus on this class when I’m here.” I was nervous that he wouldn’t let me move as I started rubbing my hands together.

  “I thought you guys were friends.” I knew our relationship was pretty obvious, but I didn’t think we were that obvious. Not that it mattered now.

  “Please, Mr. Thomas,” I said, pleading with my eyes. It never worked on my parents, but maybe it would work on him. He seemed like a rational man.

  “Okay, go sit next to Brent in row two and Miss Riley, I hope you know what you’re doing,” he said, turning back toward the board. He was probably one of those hopeless romantics who thought I was being all sorts of stupid right now; I was, but I didn’t need him to look at me like that.

  Brent didn’t talk while we worked on our latest projects, which was fine with me, but I also noticed that Dane didn’t show up for class. He never missed this class. A little pang of guilt shot through me as I wondered what he was doing right now. For a second I considered texting him to ask if he was all right, but then I realized that it was not my place to ask that anymore. The thought of anyone else touching or comforting him was like a dagger to my already bleeding heart.

  I considered skipping Anatomy, but that would just give me more time to think and, if Sunday was an example of anything, it was an example of what happened when I spent a bit too much time thinking.

  Jade wasn’t in our room when I returned so I decided to get caught up on some reading. I had read only one page of my Anatomy text before my thoughts started shifting to Dane again. I could see the sincerity and honesty in his smile, smell his clean, but woodsy scent and feel his calloused, yet gentle fingers on my body. For the last few months, I could call, text or see him whenever I wanted. But now that privilege was not mine anymore and a part of me selfishly hoped it would never be anyone else’s.

  My cell phone rang, making my heart rate speed up. It slowed dramatically when I noticed the caller was my mother. I considered letting it go to voicemail, but she would just keep calling until I talked to her.

  “Hello,” I said hesitantly.

  “Alexandra, what are you doing tomorrow? I was thinking about coming into the city to do some shopping.”

  “I don’t feel like shopping. Maybe some other time.” I didn’t like to shop half as much as my mother on a normal day and right now it was the last thing I wanted to do. I didn’t care what I looked like so why would I want nice things?

  “Alexandra, I’m worried about you and the destructive path you’ve mapped out for yourself.” She let out an exasperated sigh. All I had said was that I didn’t want to go shopping and all of a sudden I was prone to make bad choices. I just wanted to go outside and scream until I didn’t have a voice anymore. My mother was so frustrating.

  “Mom, I’m not going down the wrong path. I think the only bad decision I’ve made lately was dumping Dane.” I was seething mad. Why did she have to keep bringing this up?

  “Well, it’s for the best; you’ll see that someday. You need a man with a future ahead of him and quite frankly, that boy wasn’t going anywhere.” Her words made me even angrier. Dane was going somewhere. He may not be heading to Medical or Law School, but he was talented at what he did and I knew some day he would have a very successful career. Success didn’t mean he’d be rich or famous; it meant contentment and respect.

  I remained quiet as she continued. “Did you meet Trevor Williams on Friday night at rehearsal? You know, Dr. Williams’ son? He’s a senior at the University of Massachusetts and has been accepted into Harvard Medical School in the fall. He’s single and such a handsome young man.” I knew exactly whom she was talking about and handsome would be the worst word to describe him. He was tall, but incredibly skinny and his hairline has already begun to recede at the age of twenty-two. Why did she feel the need to play matchmaker? She didn’t care if I was okay. It was more important that I kept up appearances. I was growing more and more angry because I did this to please her. All I wanted was for her to support me emotionally and she was unable to do that, yet again. Really, I would not make them happy until I had been married off to my fake husband who would have my fake love. Just once I wanted someone to care about what I wanted; I realized I’d had that someone and I’d lost him.

  “Mom, I have to go. I’m late for study group.” I hung up the phone without waiting for her goodbye and hurled my Anatomy textbook across the room, knocking over the lamp by my bed as the weight of what I had done engulfed me. I flinched as the lamp shattered, but didn’t move to clean it up. I stared down at all the little pieces on the floor and imagined that they were a part of me. My heart was essentially lying on the floor.

  I pulled on a pair of yoga pants and fleece before lacing up my tennis shoes and grabbing my iPod. I used to run all the time in high school as a way to escape my house when my parents became unbearable. College may have put some geographical space between us, but their voices were always in my head ringing over and over like a car alarm. I needed the fresh air and exercise to sort through my thoughts and put some space between my heart and my head.

  Every time my feet hit the pavement, I felt a little bit of the tension leave my body. I thought about my childhood and wondered if my parents had ever been proud of me. I thought about my sister and wondered why I couldn’t be more like her. Why couldn’t I just do what my parents wanted and be happy with it? I thought about Dane and the way he made my heart flutter in a way that I didn’t even know was possible. And I thought about my future and what my life was going to be like without him.

  My anger began to boil over. I could run for miles and it wouldn’t be enough time to get through this mess.

  I decided to run back to the dorm and grab my purse. That fake ID was going to help me buy myself a bottle of liquid numbness. It worked before. No one was here to save me. Maybe I was the only one who could save me.

  Jade hadn’t slept in our room last night or at least I didn’t think she had. I started mixing vodka with grapefruit juice after I returned from the store and it didn’t take long before I got to the point where I remembered nothing. I was completely and utterly numb. Just like I needed to be. I always wondered how someone could let themselves become an addict and now I understood that some of them might be drowning their issues and pain in the serum of forgetfulness. It worked for a little while anyway.

  It was Thursday now. To be more exact, it was Thursday afternoon and I was just getting up; I had skipped so many classes this week, but I didn’t care. My head was pounding and my stomach turned as I got out of bed. I felt like a shell of my former self. I felt no happiness or hope like I had a week ago; instead I felt only sadness and loss. No one had died, but it felt like I had. I wished I could be my mother, just for a little while, and feel nothing. How does she do that? Was she ever like me? Had she ever let her heart act as her guide? As much as I tried, I couldn’t turn off my feelings anymore. They burned in my chest every minute of the day. I wanted the pain to stop, but I had no idea how to shut it off. It was time for me to at least try to live again, even if it was half the life I had before.

  After visiting the restroom, I lied back down under my covers and buried my head under my pillow before I heard my cell phone beep.

  Jade: R U OK?

  Alex: Just Peachy

  Jade: I couldn’t wake u up last night and I
was worried.

  Alex: U were here?

  Jade: Y

  Alex: Sorry, I guess I drank a little too much.

  Jade: Dinner tonight?

  Alex: Sure

  I couldn’t care less if I ate or not, but I didn’t want to worry Jade more than I already had. I could see it when she looked at me. Her normally cheerful eyes had been replaced with downcast, sullen eyes. I wondered if she felt my pain or if her expression was meant to mirror mine. She was one of the few people I had ever felt cared for me, honestly cared for me. I made my choice with Dane and I needed to deal with it. Jade might have been the last person I had left in my life who accepted me for me. If I pushed her away, I would have nothing left here.

  I showered, brushed my teeth, combed my hair, and put on some decent clothes. I could do this. I could put on my best smile, lift my head up, and have a normal conversation with Jade over dinner. People faked it all the time and if anyone could excel at the art of faking, it was me. It was in my blood.

  Jade eyed me up and down when she walked into the room a little while later. A small smile appeared on her face, “You clean up nice.” I could tell she was still worried about me. I could see the concern in her eyes.

  “Yeah, I thought I could ditch the sweatpants for one night.”

  “Where do you want to eat? My treat,” she said as she applied a fresh layer of lip-gloss. I was up for anything as long as we didn’t visit one of the restaurants Dane and I went to on a regular basis; I wasn’t ready for that.

  “Chinese?”

  She eyed me suspiciously. “You never eat Chinese.” I didn’t. I always complained about the sodium and fat content, but I didn’t care about that stuff today.

  “Are we going or not?” I replied, placing my hands on my hips.

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just let me grab my coat.”

  The fresh air felt good on my face as we walked to Jade’s favorite Chinese restaurant. It was cold, but the wind was nonexistent, making it bearable. The smell of different foods hit my nose as we walked past several restaurants along the way. I heard horns and sirens as people made their way home from work on the busy streets of New York City. It was calming, if even for a minute, to hear something other than Dane’s last words in my head. It was nice to have something hit my senses besides the handsome sight of his face and the minty taste of his lips. Maybe getting out more was the key to moving forward.

  Jade’s phone began to ring right before we reached the restaurant. She motioned for me to give her a minute so I did; I wandered over to a small shop next to the restaurant and peeked through the window. It was a cute little thrift shop with fashionably decorated mannequins. I made a note to come back here sometime to do some shopping. It was not a place I would usually shop, but I needed some change in my life and maybe I would start by dressing the way I wanted instead of the way I was expected to. I heard Jade say goodbye and turned my attention back to her; she looked uneasy. “Who was on the phone?” I asked.

  She hesitated for a minute. “Tyler. He wants to join us for dinner. I told him no.” She bit her lower lip nervously and looked down at her phone.

  “He can join us,” I replied. I only said it to be nice; I didn’t feel like sitting across from the happy couple all night. Besides, he was Dane’s best friend.

  “I told him no. I’ll see him later. Come on, let’s eat.” She grabbed my arm and led me inside.

  The smell of Chinese greeted me. I usually hated the smell of fried food, but today I welcomed it. Nothing soothed a broken heart like some calories, carbs and alcohol. We sat down and ordered enough to feed a family of five before Jade started her little counseling session. This must be her whole purpose for bringing me here. Well, that and getting me to eat.

  She sat back in her chair with her arms crossed over her chest. “Alex, it’s time for you to talk. What happened when you went home last weekend? When you left here, you were the happiest I’d ever seen you and then you come back and you’re in the worst shape I’ve ever seen you. Talk now,” she said, narrowing her eyes at me. I couldn’t lie to her. She knew me too well.

  I thought back to the conversation I had with my parents on Sunday morning and the pain and anger surfaced again. I hated that study before, but now I despised it; I would never be able to walk in that room again without a heavy feeling in my chest. And then I thought about his eyes and how they looked the last time I saw them. I would do anything to forget the look in his eyes that morning.

  I cleared my throat and told her everything. Her eyes widened as mine closed to keep in the tears that wanted to flow down my cheeks. When I mentioned my mother and her threats, Jade’s hands balled into fists on the table. If she’d hated my mother before, she certainly hated her now. I told her about the last night I spent in Dane’s room and watched as her eyes filled with tears. Jade was a true friend; someone who felt my pain right along with me.

  “Do you want him back?” she asked, sadness wrapped in her voice.

  “I can’t,” I said with a choked voice. “What’s done is done and even if I could be with him, I doubt he wants anything to do with me.” I used my sleeve to dry my eyes.

  We sat in silence, staring at the untouched food on the table. Jade had her hands steepled in front of her mouth, deep in thought. It caught me off guard when Jade suddenly looked up and greeted someone behind me.

  “Ladies, care if I join you?” The male voice was familiar. I turned around to see Tyler standing there, sporting a cocky grin.

  He took a seat next to Jade, never taking his eyes off me. Jade looked between the two of us, “I thought-”

  “I know you said not to come, but I couldn’t pass up a chance to talk to two of my favorite ladies. How are you Alex? Broken anymore hearts lately?” he asked, glaring at me. My stomach dropped. He was here to confront me.

  “Tyler, stop!” Jade snapped. I stared behind them in an attempt to concentrate on anything but him.

  “You know, you were the only one he let in. He hasn’t let anyone get as close as you did. And then you just leave a note and sneak out while he sleeps; you stomped on his trust,” Tyler said, his eyes becoming more intense with every word that came out of his mouth. His words cut deep. I shattered someone who was already broken. He continued, leaning forward in his chair so his face was close to mine. “He hasn’t eaten, slept or talked to anyone since you left. I hope you accomplished what you set out to accomplish.”

  “Tyler stop! I mean it,” Jade hissed, eyeing him with such contempt. I felt even worse when I realized this was going to cause issues in their relationship.

  He continued anyway. “No, she needs to hear what she did to him.” He turned his gaze from Jade back to me before continuing. “He loves you and would do anything for you and this is what he gets? You are selfish and disgusting.”

  His words made me want to crawl into a hole and never come out. I could feel my throat closing up and the overwhelming need to run. “You’re right. I’m sorry,” I whispered before running out the door.

  I could hear Jade yelling my name, but I didn’t look back, I just ran. I ran until I was tucked back into our dorm room where I grabbed my bottle of vodka and started to drink. I didn’t bother to mix it tonight; I drank straight from the bottle, letting the fluid burn the back of my throat. It didn’t take long before my vision was blurred and my mind was numb.

  The next day I finally saw Dane for the first time since he came to my dorm room that morning. I was seated in my new desk in Art class when he walked into the classroom. He looked tired and broken. His eyes were completely unfocused and he hadn’t shaved in days. My chest hurt just looking at the once happy and confidant Dane, now so forlorn and miserable. I wanted to jump up and hug him, but my feet felt like they were stuck in cement. He wasn’t mine to touch and comfort anymore, but God did I want to. Tyler was right; I had completely broken this beautiful man. I tried to meet his eyes, but he wouldn’t look at me. He didn’t owe me anything, but I needed to know he didn’t hate me.
A chill ran through my body when I thought back to what he had told me on the way to my sister’s wedding. What if he had relapsed because of me and what I did? I couldn’t live with myself if that happened. I needed to try to talk to him after class.

  Mr. Thomas started class, bringing my attention back to the front of the room. “Today is a discussion day. I would like to talk about inspiration. Artists are often inspired by people, thoughts, history and life events. Think for a moment about what inspires you and let’s discuss.” My art was inspired by people in my life who caused me pain. No one cared what I had to say as a child and the canvas always listened to me. I hadn’t touched paint all week and I knew why. This was the one time I hurt so much that paint and canvas couldn’t make it all go away.

  I stared at Dane’s back, willing him to look at me, but he kept his eyes fixed on the front of the room. “Okay, class, let’s go around the room and talk about what inspires us. Starting with you, Sara.”

  I tuned out all discussion until it was Dane’s turn. He cleared his throat as he began to speak, “Life inspires me. Life is unfair, unkind and unforeseeable. It knocks you down when you least expect it. When I create a sculpture, I can control it. I can create happiness even when I can’t feel it. It’s a way to create what life isn’t giving me.” My heart clenched at the sound of his voice. I wondered how many sculptures he has created this week.

  I continued to process his words and lack of emotion as my classmates shared their thoughts. When it was my turn, I froze. I knew what inspired me, but I couldn’t move the words out without tearing up, not when he was in the room.

  Dane finally turned to face me, but his expression didn’t change at all. He looked dejected and empty. I wanted to hug him, run my fingers under his dark, sad eyes and kiss away all the pain. I didn’t have any right to do that anymore, though. I had given him away like an old sweater. The problem was usually you gave away things you no longer wanted, but I wanted Dane more than anything in my life.