What He Really Feels (He Feels Trilogy)

by Lisa Suzanne

I shrugged. “Maybe.”

  “I’ve got a cure for that.”

  I knew what kind of cure she could give me.

  I almost gave in.

  Almost.

  But then I thought back to the girl at the bar whose name I couldn’t remember, and I knew I’d only feel worse if I hooked up with Brooke. I couldn’t lead her on anymore. I’d already hooked up with her once since we’d broken up, and giving into the obvious sexual connection we shared wouldn’t be productive. She was a nice girl who deserved to be treated better than I would be able to treat her at the moment.

  I smiled at her, but I knew the smile didn’t reach my eyes. I wasn’t in a place yet where I could genuinely smile at someone.

  “I’m moving to San Diego,” I said.

  A flash of disappointment crossed her face, but she covered it well. I had a feeling she was hoping we’d find our way back to each other, but my moving to a different state threw a wrench in those plans.

  “When?” she finally asked.

  “This weekend.”

  “Why?”

  “You know why.” She shrugged, and I was certain that some part of her was glad that I was hurting after the way I’d ended things with her. “I’m sorry about what happened with us,” I said, and I meant it.

  “Oh.” That was all she could manage, and she seemed surprised at my apology.

  “Really, Brooke.” I set the sleep aids back on the shelf and pulled her into my arms. I pressed my hands against her back. She felt good, familiar, and she smelled great.

  “Are we really doing this here? In the middle of Walgreens?” she asked. Tears filled her eyes.

  “It looks like we are.” I kissed her forehead. “I’ll miss you.”

  “I already miss you.” She leaned up and planted a brief kiss on my lips.

  “I know.” I did. We had a lot of fun together, but I had to end it with her when things started heading into serious territory. I knew I couldn’t go there when someone else was in my heart. And now that heart was shattered, and it would be a long time before I was in a place where I could even consider giving it to someone else. If ever.

  “Want to grab a drink?” she finally asked.

  “I don’t think that would be a good idea.”

  “Why not?” she challenged.

  “Because I know where it’ll end up. And I don’t think that’s something that would be healthy for either of us.” I felt a sense of redemption for being so strong after the way I’d treated the random BJ in the A girl from the bar. It was unusual for me to turn down any opportunity that could lead to sex, but I knew that it would be a horrible mistake for Brook and me to go there again.

  She nodded. “You’re right.”

  I smiled sadly at her and picked up the Advil PM again.

  “Keep in touch, Trav.”

  “You too, B. Take care.”

  I headed to the register without looking back and paid for my sleep aids, and then I made a beeline for my apartment before I changed my mind.

  CHAPTER 3

  Thursday morning was a little better because the Advil PM had done its job. It was the first good night’s sleep I’d had in over a week, and I awoke feeling refreshed after nine full hours.

  My good friend sleep was back, and I had missed the fuck out of it.

  I got out of bed and poured a bowl of cereal, opting for a can of Dr. Pepper with my breakfast because I didn’t have time to make coffee. My phone buzzed with a text from my mom: R U coming for dinner Saturday?

  My parents held a standing Saturday dinner at their house. They held it early so my sister and I could still go out and live our lives, but if we were in town and didn’t have plans, we were invited every week for dinner. Usually we went swimming in my parents’ enormous pool (heated in the winter), even more so since Liz had the boys. She had taken them for swimming lessons, and at three and five, they had both become little fish. Their favorite activity was to jump from the deck onto their uncle in the water. I usually left bruised and exhausted but smiling from an afternoon with my family.

  I texted her back. That’s the plan.

  It was my last Saturday in Arizona before the big move, and I needed to say goodbye to my family. That was going to be the toughest part about moving to a different state.

  I dragged myself through work, feeling like the hot mess that Brooke had dubbed me. While I was more awake and less shaky than I had been in a week, I also had the ability to think a bit more clearly, and I didn’t really care for the thinking material that provided me. I tried to forget about it and focus on my work, but Jules was always there, lurking in the back of my mind.

  I was stuck on the “why” phase of my broken heart, which I hoped meant I was getting closer to moving on. Why had she chosen Nick over me? Why wasn’t I good enough for her? Why was I in love with someone who didn’t want me back?

  Friday was more of the same, but it was my last day at the office before the big move. That meant talking to a lot of colleagues and passing off my projects. I would have new things to accomplish in San Diego, and I couldn’t take my Arizona projects with me to California.

  The secretaries pulled together a big lunch in my honor. It cheered me up some, especially because they ordered pizza from my favorite place. They gave me a case of beer and a Starbucks gift card, and they had taken a group picture and signed a card for me. It was very nice, but I hated being the center of attention. It just wasn’t my style; I was more laid back and behind the scenes.

  I had left my phone in my office during the lunch, and when I returned, I checked to see if I had any messages.

  I had one. From Julianne. Jamie had the baby. It’s a girl – Hadley Rose.

  And it all came crashing back over me.

  I needed a fucking drink.

  I was happy for the Beckers. They were family to my family, and I was excited for a baby girl in my extended family after all of the boys. She would be a spoiled little princess.

  But, unfortunately, I wouldn’t be the one spoiling her.

  The thought depressed me, and I couldn’t summon up the strength to reply to Jules’s text.

  I’d hold out for Liz to tell me, and then I’d send my congrats through her. I still wasn’t in a place where I was ready to deal with Julianne.

  My day came to a close, and I spent most of my time after lunch packing up my office. I had accumulated quite the number of books on architecture and design over the years that looked pretty cool on my office bookshelves. Mike and Bill helped me get the books down to my Chevy Silverado, and then I grabbed my portfolio of designs and saved my files to a flash drive. And then I was out.

  Mike and Bill had also volunteered to help me pack up my apartment onto the U-Haul, but, more importantly, they had volunteered to take me out to get me fucked up two more times while they still had me in Arizona.

  So Friday night found us on the prowl. Or, more accurately, my buddies were on the prowl while they worked to get me drunk enough to forget.

  And they succeeded.

  We headed to Mahogany, the same place I had gone for New Year’s Eve a little over a month earlier. While the place immediately reminded me of Jules, I had to admit that it was an awesome bar with a great vibe. The bar was, obviously, made from mahogany, and that’s where Bill, Mike, and I had settled in on three barstools with me in the middle.

  “Barkeep!” Mike yelled obnoxiously over the dance music that pumped from the sound system. The male bartender looked over at him and then proceeded to totally ignore him. Bill pulled out a twenty and waved it around, and the bartender made his way over.

  “What’re you having?” he asked.

  “Three shots of Jaeger,” Bill said.

  The bartender looked at him. “You’re gonna need more than twenty bucks for three shots.”

  Bill glanced over at us, and then he took his wallet out to provide more money while the bartender poured our drinks.

  He passed the drinks across the bar to us. “Twenty-four,” he sai
d to Bill.

  “Fuck,” Bill said. He looked at me. “Eight bucks for a shot?”

  I shrugged while he paid, and then the three of us toasted. “To getting fucked up,” Mike said, and we cheered and threw back the Jaeger.

  A hundred bucks later, the three of us were feeling good and drunk when three ladies walked up to the bar to order their drinks. I checked each of them out from behind since their backs were to us, and after they placed their orders, they turned their attention to my friends and me. Each one of them focused on one of us, as if they had some sort of pre-arranged deal. It wasn’t my first time playing that particular game, and I somehow found myself incredibly drawn to the hottest one, the one whose attention was on me.

  I gasped for breath as I gazed down the length of her petite, tight body and briefly thought that she could easily help me get over Jules. I frowned at the random thought.

  She had dark hair and dark eyes, and she was short – a full foot shorter than me at least, if not more. She was Jules’s exact opposite in almost every way. Jules was tall with flowing blond hair and beautiful blue eyes while this woman was short with dark hair cut in a blunt style that fell just above her shoulders and dark, exotic eyes that I could get lost in.

  In fact, I think I was already lost in them.

  “Hey, tiger,” she opened.

  It was an interesting opener, but I was a few shots of Jaeger into my night and she was sexy, so I didn’t give a fuck. But even in my alcohol-induced haze, I knew I couldn’t take this gorgeous girl anywhere past that night.

  “Hey, gorgeous,” I said, grinning at her, still trying to catch my breath as I wondered what the hell had just hit me.

  “Want to dance?” she asked.

  I didn’t. I wasn’t much of a dancer, but I would have done just about anything to get close to her. It was like some magnet drew me to her, and I couldn’t keep my eyes off of her. But, paradoxically, just looking at her made me feel like I couldn’t breathe.

  She was the opposite of everything I usually went for, but I had a sudden image of her naked body writhing under mine as my name escaped her lips on a moan.

  So I nodded, and she took my hand and pulled me to the dance floor. A sexy, sultry Justin Timberlake song came on, and I found myself grinding against this woman, more turned on than I had been in a long time. She could move. She was a great dancer, and she made me feel like I was a great dancer, too, even though I seriously lacked any semblance of rhythm. Except, of course, after I had a few drinks in me. Then I was a fucking rockstar on the dance floor. She thrashed around wildly to the music in a sexy way that revved up my man TJ, and I couldn’t help but visualize once again what sex with her would be like. The way she moved against me told me that it would be spectacular.

  I put my hands on her hips, my signature move that somehow made women melt apart at the seams for me, and she looked up longingly into my eyes. The look on her face said it all: She wanted me to take her home and fuck her senseless.

  And I wanted to do just that.

  That whole vow of turning over a new leaf was suddenly shot to hell.

  I hadn’t yet laid eyes on this woman when I’d made that vow, anyway.

  How the hell did this keep happening? I wasn’t complaining; I loved women, and I loved sex. But I wasn’t in a good place for random hookups. Or maybe I was. Maybe I was denying myself something I deserved and it was time to just give into it.

  She tilted her head back, and I planted a wet kiss on her mouth. I pulled back quickly, shocked at the spark I felt when our lips had met, and I kept dancing as she laced her fingers through mine on her hips. She grinned up at me, and I found that I really enjoyed just looking down at her gorgeous face.

  I leaned down close to her ear, and I caught a whiff of her scent. She smelled like a citrus picnic on a summer day. I wanted to spread out a blanket and make myself comfortable.

  “I’m moving out of Arizona in two days,” I said.

  Her grin widened when I pulled back, and she reached up and curled her hand around my neck, pulling me down so her lips feathered against my ear.

  “Perfect. I’m looking for something without strings anyway.”

  Jesus.

  Christ.

  Did she really just say that? She wanted it as much as I did.

  She had given me permission to ravish her for just one night.

  This was the perfect woman.

  Saturday morning found me hung over in bed once again, which really sucked because I had to pick up the U-Haul and pack up my entire apartment before my 4:00 dinner at my parents’ house. I forced one eye open and tried to focus on my clock. It was 9:41, and for a split second, I had to think about how I got home. And then the movement in the bed next to me forced me to think about what had happened once I had gotten home.

  I remembered Mike and Bill calling me a cab and throwing me in it. The gorgeous woman I’d been dancing with got in behind me, and we made out the entire cab ride. Her hand found my erection, which she rubbed through my jeans in the cab. I thought I was going to come in the car, but I barely managed to hold off.

  My hands were equally exploratory as I fondled her perfect breasts, and then I slid my hand up the short skirt she was wearing and found just how ready she was to be with me.

  I didn’t want to get her off in the back of a cab; I had some class left, so I kept my fingers to myself and just kept kissing her until we got to my apartment. I paid the driver and the two of us stumbled up my steps, our lips mostly connected for the entire walk, and then I fumbled with my keys as she stood between me and my door, her hands on my ass as I shoved in my key to unlock my door. The way she couldn’t keep her hands off of me was sexy in a purely physical, animal way.

  We didn’t make it to my bedroom. She did a little strip show for me in the entryway, and I ripped my shirt over my head while I kicked off my shoes.

  She eyed me hungrily, gazing at my chest as her eyes moved appreciatively down to my abs and then settled on the bulge in my pants.

  It wasn’t the first time a woman had looked at me like that. I enjoyed exercising and working out, running in particular, and I tried to eat healthy most of the time (except for my addictions to cheese, Dr. Pepper, and beer). I knew that my body showed off the hard work I put into it, and I welcomed the looks of admiration that woman threw my way. But something about getting that look from this woman sent a rocket of lust right through me, landing squarely in my groin. I had never wanted anything as much as I wanted her in that moment.

  She approached me confidently, a smile grazing those beautiful lips and lust glazing her exotic eyes.

  Her fingertips ran over my chest and down my abs to the trail of hair that led downward, and then she unbuttoned my jeans, looking up at me through lowered lashes. She looked like a fucking animal, and I couldn’t wait to feel her from the inside.

  She knelt down to take my jeans off, and then she reached into my boxer briefs to find my dick. Five Jaeger shots will do things to a man’s ability to perform, but I was hard as hell for this woman. She stroked me up and down, and I kissed her again. Her little strip show had eliminated most of her clothing. Her top and bra were gone, as were her panties, but she stood before me in her skirt and her black high heels.

  She looked like every man’s wicked fantasy come true.

  And she was mine to feast upon.

  I backed away long enough to take my black boxer briefs off, and I stood in my entryway naked. We stared each other down, and I realized that I didn’t even know this woman’s name.

  And then I attacked.

  My mouth crashed to hers in a vigorous collision of lips and tongues. I don’t think I’d ever kissed a woman like that before. It was aggressive and fucking hot, and I never wanted it to stop. However, I was ready for something else to start… but I had to get a condom from my bedroom first.

  “Condom,” I muttered against her lips.

  “Pill,” she muttered back.

  “Is this okay?” I asked
, her lips still attached to mine. We were both a few drinks in, but we were both sober enough to know what we were doing. I still had to ask the question, though. It wasn’t every day I shoved TJ into a woman I didn’t know without protection, after all.

  She moaned a yes and deepened the kiss, and then I put my hands under her ass and lifted her up, plunging myself into her warm wetness as she threw her arms around my neck.

  I felt her body stretch to accommodate me as she screamed in pleasure at our first contact. Good God, she was wild and I fucking loved it.

  The feeling of skin to skin contact with this magnificent woman was out of this world.

  She squeezed me tightly inside of her, and she threw her head back, her hands still curled around my neck as she moaned these little feral sounds in her throat that aroused the hell out of me. I had the perfect view of her gorgeous breasts. They were spectacular, bouncing around as I guided her up and down my length. I felt myself getting close; I was a fairly skilled lover, and I had been blessed with the ability to go all night on occasion, but this wild woman turned me on in ways I had never experienced before.

  All too soon, I lost it. I jetted hotly into her, and she leaned forward into me so her breasts pressed up against my chest, her head on my shoulder as she lost control, too, crying out as she tightened like a fucking glove around me and came along with me.

  We stood in my entryway, still connected, and then I sank to the floor with her still clinging to my body as I stayed inside of her. It was warm and fantastic buried in there, and I didn’t want to leave. Ever.

  She gripped my shoulders with her hands and then lifted herself off of me. She settled into my lap and I cradled her in my arms.

  I got the sudden feeling that I didn’t want to say goodbye to her.

  She stood up after a few minutes. She was still wearing her skirt and heels, looking utterly fantastic in my apartment. “Bathroom?” she asked as she kicked off her heels.

  “End of the hallway. Door’s open.”

  She nodded and then headed off down the hall.

  I stood up and picked up my jeans, pulling them on. It wasn’t fair for her to be wearing bottoms while I sprawled naked across my apartment.