What He Really Feels (He Feels Trilogy)

by Lisa Suzanne

  “You sick son of a bitch,” he laughed.

  I toyed with the tab on top of my soda can for a second. “When she left, she told me to call Jules.”

  “You two got into that?” he asked.

  “It was part of our ‘Getting to Know You’ chat.”

  Dan glanced up from his plate. “Did you call her?”

  I shook my head.

  “Are you going to?”

  I sighed. “Lindsay told me she sensed bitterness in my tone when I talked about what happened. She said that I won’t be able to fully give myself to her until I mend things with Jules.”

  “Is she right?”

  I took a long sip of Dr. Pepper before I answered. “Unfortunately, I think she is. I need to be free of everything in the past before I can move onto my future with Lindsay.”

  Dan grinned at me. “So there’s going to be a future with Lindsay?”

  “If I have anything to say about it, yes.”

  He paused as he took another bite of his sandwich. “Does she need somewhere to stay?”

  “I appreciate the offer, but she’s going to stay with a friend.”

  “I know what she’s done for you. She brought my friend back to me, for one.”

  I smiled. He was right. I felt alive again.

  We finished eating and cleaned up, and then I decided to go for a run. I hadn’t been keeping up with my regular workout schedule since I’d moved to San Diego, and I needed to get back on track. I had been on a good schedule running a minimum of five miles a day, but then the Julianne thing happened and somehow my schedule was thrown completely off. Now it seemed like I was running whenever I could fit it in.

  I pulled on my running shorts and a shirt, laced up my shoes, and found my running playlist. And then I headed to the beach. Running in sand always sucked, but it provided an unparalleled workout.

  I ran for six miles and cooled down with a long walk. Running had always been a good time to think things through, and I felt more prepared to call Jules.

  I headed home, and, finding the apartment empty, I hit the shower.

  I settled into my desk chair and pulled up the contact info for Jules.

  I reminded myself that I was doing this for Lindsay.

  And then I clicked the call button.

  The phone rang three times, and then she answered. “Trav?” she said, her voice full of hope.

  “Hey,” I said softly.

  “Hey, you.”

  “How are you?” I asked.

  “I’m… I’m really good, Trav. How are you?” Her voice was warm and familiar, and I felt a little lighter just hearing that she was doing well. Maybe this wouldn’t be as hard as I had thought.

  “Good.”

  “How’s San Diego?

  “It’s… it’s actually pretty damn amazing.”

  “I’m happy for you.”

  “Are you recovered from your accident?”

  “Mostly. My wrist is still in a cast.”

  “Does it hurt?”

  “Yes. But it gets a little better every day.”

  “Congratulations on your new niece. How’s Jamie?” I asked, trying to stick to safe subjects.

  “Thanks. She’s doing great. And the baby is just perfect.”

  “Good.” Suddenly things got awkward. I didn’t know what else to say, but I had done my part. I had called Jules, I had taken the first step toward mending our broken friendship, and Lindsay and I could move forward now. “Well, I just wanted to say hi.”

  “Trav, wait. I am so sorry for what happened between us.”

  I sucked in a sharp breath, not really ready for this part of the conversation. It still hurt, but not as bad as I thought it would. “I can’t say it didn’t hurt, Julianne.”

  “I treated you horribly, and I know I can’t take it back, but for what it’s worth, I’m so, so sorry that you ended up hurt in all of it.”

  “There were gentler ways of letting someone down,” I said.

  “You’re right.”

  “Are you happy, at least?” I asked.

  “Yes.”

  “Then you did what you had to do, I guess.” I didn’t know what else to say. Now that I had Lindsay in my life, I understood the idea of feeling so pulled toward a person that nothing else mattered except being together. I didn’t understand why Jules jerked me around and ultimately just cut me out in that process; she could’ve handled things differently, but she hadn’t, and there was nothing she could do to change that now.

  “I miss you, Travis. I miss our friendship.”

  “I do, too. But I can’t guarantee that things will ever be like they were. You killed a little part of me with what you did.”

  I heard tears in her voice. “I need your friendship. I miss you so much that it hurts, Trav.”

  “Maybe someday. But I need time to get past what you did.”

  She was quiet, but I heard some sniffling. When she spoke, her voice was soft. “I have something else to tell you.”

  “What?”

  “Um,” she started, sounding nervous.

  And then she dropped the proverbial bomb.

  “Nick and I are getting married.”

  I’m not sure if the phone fell out of my hand or if I threw it, but I knew the call ended with those words.

  Julianne was engaged? To the douche bag she destroyed me over?

  I was vaguely aware that my phone was ringing, but I was in shock over her confession.

  I couldn’t believe she was getting married.

  That truly confirmed the end for us. My newfound feelings for Lindsay had overtaken the hope that someday Julianne and I would end up together, but for some reason, the news filled me with a grief as if someone had died. The way she’d used me when she’d been upset over Nick played over in my mind.

  I felt frustration, hurt, pain, sadness, and mostly anger, and I wasn’t sure why. I thought I was over her; I thought I had finally gotten to a place where I could move past what she had done and move on with someone new, but now the rage I felt burned through my veins.

  I should have felt happy for her. My best friend was getting married to the man she loved.

  But my heart wasn’t big enough to allow me to feel that way.

  My phone was still ringing, but I couldn’t register the sound in my head. I was just too angry. So I left my phone ringing on the floor. I couldn’t even look at the screen and see Julianne’s face as she tried to reach me.

  I headed back to the beach. It had become my refuge in the short time I’d lived in San Diego, and it was the only place I could think to go, the only place that would get me away from the words that she had spoken to me.

  I found the place that had quite literally become my rock, and I perched on top of it. The beach was relatively empty just as it had been since I had moved there, most likely because it was too cold for an actual day at the beach. Random couples and families passed by me, some individuals walked closer to the water, and through it all, I sat on my rock, staring blankly out at the water, feeling hurt and depressed and still full of this blinding rage that I didn’t know how to handle.

  I was lost.

  I had dedicated my affection solely to Julianne for so long that I didn’t know how to make myself fall out of love with her. Even though I’d formed something much deeper with someone else, I couldn’t get past the pain of knowing that the first woman I had ever loved would never be with me.

  I stopped thinking after some point, the emotions no less violent and brutal despite the emptiness enveloping my mind.

  I have no idea how long I sat out on that rock, but the sun went down and I found myself staring into darkness. And once it was dark, I no longer felt the need to censor myself.

  For the second time in the last month, tears formed in my eyes and spilled down my face.

  I felt like the biggest goddamn wimp in the world as I sat on my rock crying. To a man like me, the only possible reason for tears was a death.

  But, I realize
d, something had died inside of me.

  It was something that I could never get back, and now I had to learn how to live with that. I was vaguely aware that I already knew the answer, that the answer was lying within my grasp, but I was too angry to allow the thought to fully form in my mind. I didn’t know who I was angrier with: Jules for doing what she had done, or myself for allowing it to happen.

  After I pulled myself together, I headed home. I was absolutely grateful that Dan was out, and I grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniels from the liquor shelf in the pantry and headed to my bedroom to drown it all out.

  Half a bottle later, I passed out, and Monday morning I awoke with one of the worst hangovers I had ever experienced in my entire life.

  My head throbbed as my stomach churned. I hit the shower, which really didn’t make me feel any better. I tripped over my phone on the way out of my bedroom, and I picked it up. I still wasn’t ready to look at it to see how many missed calls I had from Julianne.

  A cup of coffee didn’t really help, either, but I had to get to work.

  I had a new list of projects and responsibilities when I arrived at work, but I was all out of focus. The Julianne thing had hit me hard, and I wasn’t sure how to deal with it. The way I had dealt with it the night before certainly hadn’t worked for me.

  I knew that I had to handle the situation. A shitty night’s sleep told me that I had overreacted, and I realized it as I sat at my desk, pounding my third cup of coffee of the morning. I realized that brooding on a rock for hours on end was just another example of my stupid, impulsive temper getting the best of me.

  Dan came into my office a little after 10:00. “Dude, your girl came by last night. Where were you?”

  I glanced up at him.

  Shit.

  In my overreaction to Julianne’s news, I had completely blown off Lindsay.

  And suddenly I knew that she was the answer.

  I had allowed my temper to overtake every other emotion, and I had blown off the answer to my problem.

  She was the one beacon in the dark, the one who could fix my heart.

  And I had stood her up.

  I had basically forgotten about her for the night while I wallowed in my misery.

  She could’ve helped me through it. I know she would have. But I failed to remember that we had made a dinner date, and I disregarded her and her feelings without even having the decency to think about her.

  I was a fucking idiot. And now I had to figure out how to solve an even bigger problem.

  “You look like hell,” he said.

  “Julianne is engaged,” I said flatly.

  “Oh. Fuck, man. I’m sorry.”

  I shrugged.

  “You want to talk about it?” he asked.

  I shook my head. “No. I am a goddamn idiot who needs to get my shit together and I stood up Lindsay last night.”

  “Let me know what I can do to help.”

  “Thanks. I’ve got to sort this out myself.”

  He left and I started by looking up a florist. But then I remembered that I didn’t know where Lindsay lived, so I couldn’t even send her flowers. I had her cell phone number, but I didn’t know how to figure out her address from that. And I didn’t know her last name or her friend Pen’s last name or where she worked. My only hope was to call her and hope she would listen.

  I finally looked at my phone.

  The damage was worse than I thought it would be.

  CHAPTER 12

  I had eight missed calls from Julianne, two from my sister, four from my mother, and two from Lindsay. I checked the times on Lindsay’s calls: one was at 4:30, and the other one was at 7:00.

  I also had a total of ten texts.

  Julianne had sent me four of them:

  1. Please talk to me.

  2. Pick up your phone, please.

  3. I’m so sorry, Trav.

  4. I need to talk to you.

  I had two from my sister:

  1. Call me ASAP.

  2. If you’re going to ignore me, at least call J.

  One from my mom: T, we’re all worried. Call one of us.

  And three from Lindsay:

  1. What time and where for dinner?

  2. Where are you?

  The third one from Lindsay was the one that killed me. It was sent just after 11:00 the night before: Thanks for the two nights, but I can’t get into another relationship where I’m not on your list of priorities. Don’t bother calling me again.

  Fuck.

  How the hell was I going to get myself out of this mess?

  I did the one thing she said not to do: I called her. It went to voicemail after one ring, which showed me that she had seen my call and purposely ignored it.

  “Hey, it’s Travis. I am so, so sorry. I just… call me. I need to talk to you. You have to let me explain.”

  I sent her a text next in case she deleted my voicemail. I am so sorry. Please hear me out.

  I waited for a response, but one never came.

  Shit.

  My only way of getting in touch with her was shot to hell if she planned on ignoring me.

  My phone started ringing, and I saw that it was Julianne again. I didn’t want to talk to her, but it wasn’t because she was engaged to Nick.

  It was because she wasn’t Lindsay.

  The only woman I wanted to talk to was Lindsay.

  My phone rang again a little while later, and it was my sister. Her phone calls and texts told me that she was aware that I knew about Jules, and it wasn’t a topic I wanted to broach with my sister at the moment. I ignored the call but texted her. I’m at work. I’ll call you soon. I’m fine.

  I texted my mom, too, just to alleviate her concerns. I’m fine, mom. Don’t want to talk about it. Will call soon.

  I hoped that she knew that “soon” meant next week, because I really didn’t want to deal with the lengthy conversations I would spend convincing everyone that Julianne getting married wasn’t an issue for me. Because it was an issue for me, but Lindsay was my top priority.

  I texted Dan. I need a favor.

  He appeared in my office doorway sixty seconds later. “What can I do?”

  “Can you find out Lindsay’s last name for me? Or, ideally, an address or where she works? Anything that could help me find her?”

  “Sure, man. Do you know anything other than her name?”

  I shook my head. “Not that would help me locate her. She’s an event planner. Well, a junior event planner. And she’s going to SDSU for her Master’s Degree.”

  “I’ll check around and get back to you by the end of the day.”

  “Thanks, dude.”

  “You got it. You up for lunch?”

  “I haven’t gotten shit done this morning and should probably work through lunch.”

  “Want me to bring you something?”

  “That would be fantastic if you don’t mind.” I reached in my pocket for my wallet.

  “I got it,” he said.

  “You don’t have to do that.”

  “I know.” He left, and I felt a little better knowing I had a good friend on my side.

  I dove into work. It was a helpful distraction once I got going on a project, ultimately giving up my studying and just looking up the laws as I went. It was easier that way, and I knew I’d learn more through hands-on experience rather than reading a bunch of technical jargon.

  Dan came by a little after 1:00 with a beef burrito and a Dr. Pepper. I asked him a few questions about codes for a building project I had been given, and he helped me out before returning to his own projects.

  I checked my calendar and realized I had an appointment at 4:00. The week before, Spencer had offered to let me shadow him to a client meeting so I could see how things worked in San Diego. At the time, I had been grateful. At the time, I hadn’t known about his relationship with Lindsay. In fact, I hadn’t even known Lindsay’s name.

  But now I did. And that was going to make my job shadowing a bit awkward,
at least for me.

  Although I had to wonder whether things were really that different. I wasn’t with Lindsay any more than he was. Hell, for all I knew, she went running back to him again.

  I pulled out my phone and sent a text to Lindsay. G is for Greatest night of my life: You.

  She had to see how sorry I was and give me another chance. She had to let me explain; she couldn’t stay mad forever. Could she? What if I had been in an accident and that was why I hadn’t answered my phone? She didn’t know the facts, and ignoring me was a bit unfair.

  I glanced at the clock. I had time for one more text before I had to get going. H is for Hell. My own personal hell is you not answering me.

  I walked the short distance to Spencer’s office and I felt my phone buzz in my pocket just as I walked through his doorway. He looked as bad as I felt, but, then, losing Lindsay would do that to a guy. I understood how he felt even if I couldn’t tell him that.

  I pulled my phone out of my pocket and glanced at it.

  The text was from Lindsay, and my heart started racing. I is for Ignore. As in, I’m ignoring you. Leave me alone.

  Her words cut deep, but I had to put on a show for Spencer’s sake. “You ready?” I asked.

  He looked up at me. “For what?”

  “Client meeting at 4:00? I’m shadowing you?”

  “Oh!” he exclaimed. “Right. Give me thirty seconds.” He started gathering papers and supplies for the meeting.

  “You okay, man?” I asked. It’s what a friend would’ve done, and I felt bad for Spencer that he had to be the one hurt in the end. He was a decent dude, and he deserved a happy ending.

  But so did I, and at the rate things were going, it wasn’t looking good. But there was not a chance in hell that I was going to give up trying.

  “No, I’m not,” he said.

  “What’s going on?”

  “My girlfriend and I broke up.” His voice was listless, and his usual energy was depleted.

  “I’m sorry, man.” I was, but not because of who it was. It was never easy to break up with anybody, and I felt for him. “Is there anything I can do?”

  “You’ve done enough,” he said.

  Huh?

  Did he know about Lindsay and me?