What He Really Feels (He Feels Trilogy)

by Lisa Suzanne

  “You really loved her.”

  I nodded. “Yes. I did.”

  “Do you still?”

  I gazed at Lindsay, her eyes clouded with alarm as she waited for my answer.

  Did I still love Jules?

  That was the question of the month.

  “Truth?” I asked, mimicking her question from earlier.

  She nodded.

  “Lindsay,” I started, using her actual name instead of her nickname, “I thought that Julianne was the love of my life. I was still very much in love with her. And then few weeks ago, I finally decided to confess how I’d been feeling for years.”

  “She didn’t know?”

  “No, she didn’t. We had been nothing more than best friends for years. I had finally made this decision that I had to tell her how I really felt. She was single, although she had a mad crush on her boss, and I had been dating this girl, Brooke. I broke things off with Brooke to make my big confession to Jules. And at that exact moment, she started dating Nick, her boss, so I couldn’t tell her how I felt, not when she was in this brand new relationship. But then he broke up with her and Jules was a total mess and she called me and I went to comfort her. We got a little drunk and I thought it would be a good idea to tell her how I felt.”

  “Oh shit,” she whispered, her hand tightening over mine.

  I pressed my lips together, and then I took a deep breath to finish the hard part. “So she slept with me, and long story short, she got back together with Nick and left me out in the cold.”

  “Oh, Tiger,” was all Lindsay said. I couldn’t believe this woman. She was sympathizing with me over the loss of the woman I had loved for most of my life. Any other girl would’ve been insane with jealousy, but not Lindsay. I was amazed. “Is that what made you decide to move here?” she asked.

  I nodded.

  “So that night with me. Was it just a rebound fuck?”

  I couldn’t believe she would ever think that.

  “God, Lindsay,” I said, pulling her to me until she was on my lap. I held her close against me, clutching her body to mine. Her face cuddled into my chest and I rested my chin on the top of her head. “No. At first, maybe I just wanted to forget. But when I woke up with you in my bed the next morning, I knew that it was so much more than that. I realized that I hadn’t thought of her once the entire time you were with me. You were this beacon of hope that I would eventually be able to get past what Jules had done to me.”

  She held her right hand out in front of her and I laced my fingers through the back of hers as I kissed the top of her head. I spoke again, my voice a whisper. “And when you walked out that door and I had no way of getting back in touch with you, I felt more shattered and destroyed than I had over what Jules had done.”

  She turned her head and looked up at me. “Really?” she asked.

  I nodded. “Yes. Really.”

  She looked into my eyes for a moment as if to really search for my genuine feelings, and she must have seen what she needed to. She leaned up and her lips found mine, and then somehow she was straddling me, her hands on my face and tangled in my hair as I wrapped my arms around her, crushing her body to mine. I needed to be inside of her again. I needed to feel the intimacy that we had together, especially now that we had started sharing more of ourselves with each other.

  Apparently she needed it, too, because she ripped my t-shirt over my head and fumbled with the button on my shorts. I pulled her shirt off over her head, too, and grasped her breasts in my hands. It was the perfect handful. I felt her nipples tightening against my palms, and TJ hardened immediately for her.

  She stood up and dropped her khaki shorts to the ground with her panties, and then she leaned down and pulled my shorts off. She took the top of me again and lowered herself down onto my waiting erection. Her mouth was on mine, hot and aggressive, and my hands were everywhere on her as she held onto my shoulders to steady herself. The inside of her body squeezed me gloriously as she moved slowly up and down. The measured way she fucked me was a contrast to the vicious way her mouth attacked mine, and all of the sensations combined together made me absolutely lose my fucking mind.

  I had slept with my fair share of women, but not one of them made me feel anything like Lindsay did. Not one of them made me crazy with lust and desire, filled me with so much emotion, or managed to somehow cut directly to my heart the way she did.

  The sexy little moans that escaped her lips spurred me on, and I drove up harder into her, setting a faster rhythm and settling my hands under her ass as she took me on the couch. As I plunged into her, I had the sensation that this would be the last woman I would ever have sex with, because she was it for me. She was the ultimate lover, the ultimate beauty, the ultimate woman for me.

  And that thought was my undoing. I quickened my thrusts and my groans became loud and feral, and she screamed out in pleasure as I lost control the same moment she did. She tightened like a fist around me, wringing every last drop out of me as she threw her arms around my neck and trembled into me, and I held onto her just as snugly as I shuddered into her.

  We took a playful shower together and settled back onto the couch. She looked adorable, sitting without any make-up on as her hair air-dried, wearing one of my t-shirts and a pair of basketball shorts that were far too big for her petite frame. I leaned into her, kissing her cheek and breathing in her scent. Somehow she still smelled like citrus even after she had showered with my bath products.

  “You, Gorgeous, are looking fantastic at the moment.”

  She covered her face. “Shut up,” she said, her cheeks turning pink.

  I pulled her hands away. “Don’t hide from me,” I said gently. “I’m serious, Lindsay. You’re beautiful.”

  “I thought you were teasing me because I’m not wearing any make-up.”

  “I think you’re just as gorgeous without it.”

  “You are one incredible, sexy, delicious man,” she said.

  “Thanks.” Now it was my turn to flush. “So what letter did we leave off on?” I asked, changing the subject.

  “G, but can we save the rest of that game for later?” she asked.

  “Of course. Getting to know too much about me?” I teased.

  “Never,” she whispered fiercely, her eyes burning into mine. “But I need to get home.”

  “Home?” I was nervous that she would go home and see Spencer.

  Shit.

  Spencer. The guy I worked with.

  “For clothes.”

  “What about Spencer?”

  “He’ll be there. We live together. But I need to get my shit together and get out of there.”

  “And you’re going to stay here?” I suggested, my tone hopeful.

  “I want to, Travis, but you just moved here yourself. And you said your roommate works with you and Spence, too. Won’t that be a little weird?”

  She had a point. And as much as I wanted to spend every waking hour of the day with this woman, we were still in the very early stages of whatever we were starting.

  “Okay,” I backed down. “But you’re welcome to spend the night. Every night.”

  She grinned. “Let me get settled in with my friend and we’ll work it out.”

  “Where does this friend of yours live?” I asked.

  “A few miles from here, actually. I’ve been staying with her on and off through this whole breaking up and getting back together with Spence thing.”

  “Who is she?”

  “My college roommate and my best friend. Her name’s Pen. Well, it’s Penelope, sometimes Penny, but I call her Pen.”

  “Does she plan events, too?”

  She laughed. “No. She’s a journalist, actually. She has a really popular blog and she writes a column for a local paper.”

  “Shit. Are we going to end up in her writings?”

  She shrugged. “Probably. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been in there.”

  I laughed.

  “I have to get going, but
first I need to ask you a question.”

  “Shoot.”

  She took a deep breath. “Have you spoken to Julianne since you moved out here?”

  “Once. Briefly,” I said, surprised at her question considering she could’ve asked me anything in the world.

  “Tiger, you won’t be over her and available for me until you talk to her. You have to make things right.”

  I didn’t want to talk to Jules. “That’s not true, Gorgeous.”

  “Yes, it is. Think about it. You have loved her for almost your entire life, your families are tied together, and I know that meeting me opened up a different part of you, but you need to mend that relationship with her before you can fully give yourself to someone else. She will always be a part of your life, even if it’s just as a friend—”

  I interrupted her. “It will only ever be as a friend, if that. Forever, Lindsay.” My resolve was firm.

  “Tiger, you’re still bitter over what happened. I hear it in your voice when you talk about her. I see it in your eyes. And you can’t live with that blackness in your heart. You need to talk to her to get past what happened, and then you and I can move forward.”

  I thought about it for a moment. I missed Jules, mostly our friendship, and I was scared that talking to her would open me back up to the world of pain that I’d worked so hard to get away from. I hated what happened between us, but I had been worried when she called me and told me that she had been in an accident. If nothing else, I could call her and check on her, just to make sure she was okay.

  And those were the thoughts that convinced me that Lindsay was right.

  Dammit.

  She was right and I hated it.

  She slipped back into her clothes from the night before and I walked with her to my door. I didn’t want to say goodbye.

  “If nothing else, Tiger, call her for me. So I can have every piece of you and your heart.”

  “You have it,” I said, backing her against the door and trapping her with my hips.

  “You know what I mean,” she said breathlessly, and then my lips slid over hers and the only coherent thought in my mind was how much I had already fallen for this woman.

  She broke our kiss. “I’ll miss you,” she whispered, both palms resting on my chest as we panted for breath.

  “I’ll miss you more,” I murmured, gripping her hips.

  She moaned delicately. “I really have to go.”

  “Do you need help moving?”

  “Yes, but it would be a little difficult to explain to Spencer how I know you.”

  “Good point.”

  “Thank you for the offer. I may need help unpacking at Pen’s. I’ll call or text you and let you know.”

  “Dinner tonight?” I asked.

  She nodded and kissed me once more. I released my hold on her and she grabbed her purse. “See you later, Tiger,” she grinned, and then she was out the door.

  I headed to the kitchen first to get a second cup of coffee and then to my bedroom. I made my bed, smelling her citrusy scent everywhere I walked, picturing her in my sheets once again.

  Things were finally looking up for me.

  Somehow the woman of my dreams had reappeared after I thought I’d never see her again, and I was excited about what the future might hold for us.

  CHAPTER 11

  I picked up my phone and sat on the edge of my bed, and I then I remembered Lindsay’s words. My bed was for us, it was our sanctuary, and I suddenly felt strange sitting on it with my phone in my hand. I moved over to the little desk I had in my room and sat on the chair there instead. I flipped through my contacts.

  I pulled up Julianne’s number and stared at it.

  I couldn’t bring myself to click it.

  I called my mom instead. “Hey T!” she answered.

  “Hi, Mom.”

  “I thought you were going to call me every day, young man,” she scolded me.

  “I’ve texted you every day, haven’t I?”

  “It’s not enough. I miss my baby boy.”

  “I miss you, too, Mom. Come visit.”

  “Dad’s got some business in San Diego he wants to get to, so we’ll come visit. Soon. How’s it going out there?”

  “I love it here. I’ve made some new friends already,” I said, thinking about Tracy.

  “That’s great! Have you met any nice girls?”

  How did I explain Lindsay to my mother? Our relationship had been fraught with sex and desire and lust, and we were just now getting to know one another.

  “Yes. I’ve met several,” I said, thinking about the various women I had indeed met since I had moved to San Diego.

  “Good for you, T. Want to tell you mom about any of them?”

  “No I do not.”

  She laughed.

  “How’s everyone?” I asked, referring to the rest of my family and changing the subject.

  “Parker’s got another ear infection. Everyone’s fine otherwise.”

  “I’m going to call Liz next,” I said.

  “Have you thought about calling Julianne?” she asked softly.

  “I’ve thought about it.”

  “But you haven’t called?”

  “No. I’m trying to convince myself to do it tonight.”

  “You should.”

  “I know I should. I just don’t want to.”

  “When you’re ready, Travie.”

  “I love you, Mom.”

  “Love you, too. Call me again soon.”

  “Will do.”

  I called my sister next, but it went to voicemail. With two small boys, I never knew whether or not I’d catch her. And then I pulled up Julianne’s contact again. I had almost worked up the nerve to click it when I heard the front door open.

  Saved by my roommate.

  “You home, Travis?” I heard Dan yell from the front hallway.

  “Yeah,” I called out, and then I met him in the kitchen. “Have a good night?”

  Dan grinned and then opened the refrigerator and peered in. “Mel is fucking ridiculously awesome.”

  “Good for you, man. Is it serious?”

  “Nah. Maybe a little more after spending the weekend with her, but we’re keeping things casual for now.” He pulled out some ham and cheese to put together a sandwich.

  “Both of you?”

  He nodded. “Want a sandwich?” he asked.

  I saw the mayo in the door of the fridge just as he took it out. “Sure.”

  “Sorry for ditching you last night.”

  “Dude, man code says that if there’s a chance for sex, it’s not ditching. Especially on Valentine’s Day.”

  He laughed as I got the bread so we could fix our lunch.

  “So what did you do last night?” he asked, grabbing a knife out of the drawer.

  “I chilled at Skips for awhile. Then I came home.”

  “With a girl?” he asked, glancing over at me.

  “Why do you ask?”

  “Because you seem… I don’t know. Happier than you were on Friday.”

  How did I respond to that? With honesty, telling him everything about Lindsay? We had been friends for a long time, and I knew his loyalty would be to me, not Spencer. But this would put us all in an awkward position.

  I ultimately decided to tell him because he was my best friend. But more than that, I really just wanted to talk about her.

  “I actually have a pretty intense story about that.”

  We finished making the sandwiches and brought them on plates to the kitchen table.

  “So?” he asked, taking a bite of his food.

  “So Friday at the hotel, Tracy and I were dancing.”

  “Did you hook up with Tracy again?” he interrupted.

  “No. We were dancing and someone bumped into me. I turned around, and I was face to face with someone I never thought I’d see again. Dude, it was the four by two mystery woman.”

  “What?” he asked, dropping his sandwich onto his plate as his jaw fell
open.

  “No joke. I was shocked.”

  “No kidding. What was she doing there?”

  “Turns out she’s Spencer’s girlfriend. The one he broke up with and recently got back together with?”

  “Lindsay?”

  “Yep.”

  Dan whistled. “Shit, man. How’s that for a coincidence?”

  “I know.”

  “So what happened?”

  “We found a private place to meet. She told me how much she had missed me. But she pushed me away and said she was back with Spencer. She said she needed some time but that she would see me again. And I made damn sure that we exchanged numbers this time.”

  Dan picked up his sandwich for another bite as I continued my saga.

  “So she came by here yesterday morning and dropped a bomb. Spencer proposed at the party.”

  “Jesus,” Dan said.

  “She said no. We talked, and she told me she wanted to let him down gently, which, after everything that happened with me and Jules, I could appreciate.”

  “Kind of weird how you’re the other guy this time around.”

  “Yeah.” I took a sip of Dr. Pepper, and then I continued. “I feel like shit for Spencer, but there’s just this… thing… between Lindsay and me. We’re just pulled together, and neither of us can ignore it.”

  “Sucks for Spence, but it sounds like you two belong together.”

  “So last night he took her out to a Valentine’s dinner, and later I texted her, and she just sort of snapped inside. Then there’s a knock at the door kind of late last night. I open it, and she’s standing there all crying and telling me she broke up with Spencer.”

  “Holy fuck, dude.”

  “So we didn’t really talk much last night,” I said, skirting the details, “but we did a little this morning.”

  “And?”

  “And I’m taking her to dinner tonight. She’s moving out of Spencer’s place right now.”

  “Does she need help?”

  “I asked her that, too, and she wasn’t sure how to explain to Spence how she and I knew each other.”

  “Good point. So what happened last night?”

  I laughed. “Good try. I’m keeping that one to myself.”

  “Just tell me my precious couch was safe.”

  “Safe last night. This morning may be a different story.”