What He Really Feels (He Feels Trilogy)

by Lisa Suzanne

  “Just that I’m basically the world’s best aunt.”

  “That’s cool. I’m basically the world’s best uncle, so just another item for our common interests list.”

  She giggled. “Tell me about your family. Who are the nieces or nephews who are blessed with the world’s best uncle?”

  “Nephews. Parker and Jackson, three and five, and they belong to my older sister, Liz. My parents, Kathy and Jack, are awesome people still happily married after I have no idea how many years. I’m very close to my family.”

  “Why did you become an architect?”

  “My dad is an architect, and oddly, that made me never want to pursue it. I wanted to do my own thing and I didn’t want to be him. But when it came time to choose a career path, design was where my passion was. And now I couldn’t imagine any other career, except, obviously, a professional baseball player, but apparently that wasn’t in the cards for me.”

  She laughed. “You’d look hot in those tight little pants, though.”

  I grinned.

  “So what made you come to San Diego?”

  “You know the basics with Jules. I had spoken with Dan about moving here, and later that same day I went to lunch with my dad and he told me about some openings at our San Diego office. It seemed meant to be.”

  As I gazed at the woman lying next to me, I knew for sure that everything that had happened had been because of fate. It had all been meant to be.

  “And the more I look back on what happened between me and Jules, the more I realize that I have to accept my responsibility for my part in that. I went for something that clearly could never have been mine, and it was stupid timing on my part. But I don’t regret anything that happened because look where I am now. I’m in your bed, with you, holding you, and this is exactly where I am meant to be.”

  “Tiger,” she murmured. “That’s really sweet.”

  I brushed her lips with mine.

  “Tell me more,” she said.

  “About me?” I asked. She nodded.

  “I feel like in general I’m a pretty logical and rational guy, but I can have a little bit of a temper. I can be impulsive. I can be immature and stubborn sometimes. I tend to be pretty bad at expressing what I’m feeling. And when I want something that’s really important to me, I won’t stop until I get it.”

  “Well,” Lindsay said, “you certainly demonstrated that last part to me today.”

  “Gorgeous, I will keep demonstrating that to you forever,” I whispered, tightening my arm around her and pulling her closer to me.

  “You have never been bad at expressing what you feel to me.”

  “It’s because you changed me. You changed my thoughts and my feelings and everything about me. You became this beacon of hope even when I didn’t think I’d ever see you again. I had been focused on Jules for so long that I didn’t even know that there could be something else out there, and when I met you, everything changed. And now I know that it will never be the same again.”

  “Everything changed for me, too,” she said.

  “Whatever this is that we are starting is something worth fighting for. You will always be my top priority. I will never, ever risk hurting you again. After I spoke with Jules, I went into this sort of rage that sent me into a tailspin and I couldn’t even think straight for a minute, but as soon as the smoke cleared, I needed you. You were the answer to everything, and in the short amount of time I have known you, you have become so fucking important to me.”

  “Travis,” she started as she circled her fingertip around my nipple. “I feel exactly the same. I was lost after Spencer and I broke up. When I met you, you changed me, too. I’ve never experienced such powerful, intense feelings before. Even with Spencer. I mean, I loved him and things were good, but I never felt like I couldn’t live without him. That’s how I know that things are different with you. Just the thought of living without you terrifies me. I haven’t known you that long, but the way you make me feel is so... unexpected. Different. Amazing. I don’t know how suddenly you became this important to my life, but you have. And the fact is that I don’t want to be without you. Ever.”

  “You will never have to be. Ever. I’m not going anywhere. You’re the only woman for me.” I kissed her again, and then we cuddled together in silence for awhile. Before we fell asleep, I said, “I believe G is your question.”

  “Greatest achievement,” she said sleepily.

  “That’s easy. Getting you back today.”

  She looked up at me, and her big brown eyes were swimming with tears. I brushed one stray one away.

  “Truth, Gorgeous. Getting you back means the world to me, and I’m never going to let you go. Don’t you let me fuck this up.”

  “I won’t. And don’t you let me fuck this up, either.”

  “I won’t. We’re in it together.”

  “To the end.”

  I kissed her forehead. “To the end.”

  With those words, we both drifted into sleep.

  CHAPTER 15

  The next morning, I awoke with a smile on my face and an erection in my boxers after holding Lindsay in my arms the entire night. She was like a personal heater next to me, but I didn’t care. The heat was worth being so close to her. I glanced at the clock and saw that we had plenty of time before we had to get to work, and the erection wasn’t going to go away on its own.

  I was spooning Lindsay, her back to my front, and I started by running my fingertips along her body, starting at her thigh, moving up along her hipbone, around to her flat stomach, and up her tank top, finding my way between her breasts and then gently cupping one. Her nipple immediately hardened against my palm, and I squeezed the peak between my fingers. She moaned softly, halfway between awake and asleep, and I nuzzled her neck before dragging my tongue across her skin. Her skin was sweet and soft under my tongue, and I couldn’t get enough of her.

  I would never get enough of her.

  “Good morning,” she murmured, responsive to my touch as ever.

  “Morning,” I whispered.

  “I have to get to work a little early today,” she said, effectively ruining my plans for a morning romp.

  After a quick but delicious shower with Lindsay, we both got ready together in her bathroom and then headed off to work. It felt like such a normal, everyday couple activity. We kissed goodbye in her driveway as we headed our separate ways, and she never left my mind the entire day. Not when I got in and had three new clients to call. Not when I took a lunch break with Dan. Not when Spencer came in my office to confide in me how much he missed his ex. Not when I finished my preliminary drawings for the multi-tainment center and fired up the autoCAD program to create the digital versions of my sketches. And not even when I went home and found Julianne lounging on my couch. Lindsay was always there, always on my mind.

  “Uh, hey, Jules,” I said to Julianne when I walked in the door. To be honest, after everything that had gone down with Lindsay, I’d sort of forgotten that Julianne was visiting. I walked over to the counter and set my iPad down.

  She stood up and walked over toward me.

  “How long you staying?” I asked bluntly. I hadn’t asked her to visit, and I wasn’t trying to be a dick, but I had things to do. I had come to San Diego to get away from her, and I felt like I was doing well on my own. Having her in my apartment just felt… regressive.

  “I was actually just waiting for you to get home so I could say goodbye. I’m going to head out, Trav.”

  “Okay. Thanks for visiting.”

  This was awkward. I didn’t really know what to say to her.

  “Can we talk for a minute before I go?”

  I sighed, scrubbing my hand down my cheek. “About what?”

  “Do you want to sit?”

  I shook my head. “I’m fine standing.”

  “Are we okay, Trav?”

  “Seriously, Julianne?”

  “What?”

  “You can’t be that dense. No, we are not okay. So
meday, maybe. But you used me and dropped me in the same breath. That’s going to take me awhile to get over.”

  “But you have moved on.”

  “Yeah, I have. And I’m over you.”

  She flinched.

  “I’m sorry if it hurts to hear that, but I’m over whatever feelings I had for you. You can’t have it both ways, Jules. You chose Nick, and I’m done waiting in the wings for you.”

  Tears filled her eyes, and I immediately felt like a jackass. I should’ve been the bigger person and just shut my damn mouth, but that wasn’t the road I took.

  She didn’t speak, so I continued softly. “Jules, I’ve found someone who makes me happy.”

  “Does she treat you right?”

  I nodded. “She’s just… She’s gorgeous. She’s spectacular. She’s everything I didn’t even know I was looking for and everything I never knew I needed.”

  She pushed a tear away impatiently. “Good, Trav. You deserve the best.”

  “Thanks.” I brushed a tear away from her other cheek, and in that one simple gesture, it was confirmed: Whatever I had felt for Julianne was over. The years of loving her from afar flashed through my mind, and compared to whatever was brewing inside of me for Lindsay, it had really been nothing more than a schoolyard crush. It was lust and admiration and friendship that I thought could turn into something more, but that’s all it was. And I was in a place where I could eventually take Julianne back as my friend. She had been a rock for me for a long time, just as I had been for her. I knew that someday after we both healed, we would be able to pick up the pieces of our broken friendship. “You do, too, Jules. I hope Nick is that for you.”

  Her tears started falling harder.

  “Why are you crying?” I asked.

  “Nick is… God, he’s everything you just described. He’s everything to me. But right now, he’s not very happy with me.”

  “Fix it, then. You gave up a lot to be with him. He better be worth it.”

  She paused, glancing down at the floor. “He didn’t…” she trailed off, and then she looked up at me guiltily. “He’s not too happy with me that I came out here to see you.”

  “But you came anyway.”

  She nodded, averting her eyes from mine. “But I came anyway.”

  “Why is he mad?”

  “Because of what I kept from him about what happened with you after he broke up with me. And because now I have to postpone starting my new job another day.”

  “How bad is it?” I asked, knowing that she was referring to the fact that she hadn’t told him we had slept together. When I had gone to talk to him, I hadn’t really thought about the repercussions that my telling him would have had. I had just been so angry at the time.

  She shrugged, sweeping another tear away. I noticed her (ridiculously enormous) engagement ring when she lifted her hand to brush her tears away.

  “That bad?” I asked.

  She nodded, and then she took a deep breath. “Yeah. Bad. But not so bad we can’t overcome it.”

  She looked so miserably sad that I couldn’t help but try to comfort her. No matter what had happened between us, this was still Julianne. This was the girl who I had grown up with. This was the girl who I had loved, or thought I loved, for a very, very long time. And my natural instinct as a human being was to comfort someone who was crying. I pulled her into me, and it felt like I was hugging an old friend.

  As I held her in my arms, I realized that I didn’t feel any of the old incredible jolts of electricity I felt before. Even TJ was unusually tame.

  “Babydoll,” I whispered my term of endearment to her as I rubbed her back. I had called her that since high school. It had initially started as a joke that eventually just stuck. “It’ll be okay. You two will work it out.”

  The front door opened. I pulled away from Jules and turned around. I was face to face with my roommate, who had just entered, and standing behind him was Lindsay. They were both smiling, as if the two of them had just shared a joke, but the smile faded from Lindsay’s face quickly as she took in the scene in front of her. She looked from Jules back to me, and I saw a rage pass over her gorgeous face. And then she turned on one heel and walked out the door.

  “Shit,” I muttered, heading for the door.

  “Trav, I have to go,” Julianne sniffled behind me.

  Those words felt like she was making me choose between her and Lindsay, and there was absolutely no contest.

  “Then fucking go, Jules,” I growled.

  I was not going to allow her to ruin this for me.

  I raced out the door toward Lindsay. She was almost to her car when I caught up to her. I grabbed her elbow and she spun around. “You said not to let you fuck this up. I am not letting you walk away from me.”

  “What the fuck did I just walk in on?” she hissed. She was furious.

  “A friend comforting another friend.”

  “Looked a little cozier than that,” she spat at me.

  “It wasn’t.” I kept my voice calm and flat to prove that I was being truthful.

  “How am I supposed to trust you?”

  Ouch. That was a low blow, and it hurt. “I don’t even know what to say. You’re misreading what you saw.”

  “So you didn’t have your arms around some beautiful blonde woman in there?”

  I crushed her body to mine. “Listen to me. She was upset because she and her fiancé are fighting. I didn’t even know that Jules was coming to visit me. She just showed up yesterday on my doorstep.”

  Her jaw dropped. “That’s Julianne?”

  Fuck.

  “Yes,” I said calmly, still trying to prove my innocence through my tone. “That’s Julianne.”

  “Was she here yesterday when we— when you and me—”

  “Yes. She was here last night. She made herself scarce because I told her that I needed to find you and get you back.”

  For someone who seemed like she wasn’t the jealous type based on earlier conversations we’d had, she sure seemed bat-shit crazy jealous at the moment.

  “Why the mother fuck were you hugging her?” she asked, her voice still that scary hiss.

  “I already told you. She and Nick are fighting. Nick’s apparently angry that she came to visit me, but she couldn’t stand that I wasn’t returning her calls, so she figured the only way to get me to talk to her was to show up on my doorstep.”

  “That must have thrown a little wrench in your plans for me yesterday. Did you fuck her before you came looking for me last night?”

  “Jesus, Lindsay.” The fact that she even had to ask me that question after all we’d been through cut through my heart like a knife. She was obviously furious with me, and I didn’t know how to fix it. “No. No, I did not fuck Julianne last night or this morning or in the last goddamn week. The last time I was with her was before I even met you. The first time. That night in Arizona. And you know what? I haven’t fucked anybody else since that night with you.”

  Hand jobs didn’t technically count as sex, right?

  I saw her relenting.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “That she was here?”

  She nodded.

  “I was so focused on getting you to talk to me that I kind of forgot she was here.”

  “So you’re in love with this girl for the last who the fuck knows how many years and suddenly you flip a switch and you’re on the Lindsay train? I’m not buying the shit you’re selling, Travis.”

  I did the only thing I could think of. I crashed my lips down on hers and kissed her until we were both panting.

  “I’m sorry, Lindsay,” I mumbled against her lips. I pulled back. “God, it feels like all I do is apologize. But I will apologize to you forever if that’s what it takes for you to trust me.”

  “I need you to prove to me that you are trustworthy. I don’t know you well enough yet.”

  “I’ll do anything,” I said.

  “You can start by being honest with me now.”<
br />
  “I am being honest with you.”

  She gazed up into my eyes. “I don’t want to fight with you. I had a shitty day at work and I came over to see you and walked in only to find you wrapped around another woman. Travis, I’m not by nature a jealous person, but I wanted to kick that bitch’s ass when I walked in on that shit.”

  “Not necessary. It didn’t look good, and I get that. But all I have thought about for the last twenty-four hours is you. Shit, all I’ve thought about since I met you is you.” I kissed the tip of her nose. “Not her. I didn’t even remember that she was here.”

  She looked up at me. “I think I need a break. I need a night away from you to get my head on straight.”

  “No.” I shook my head. “Absolutely not.”

  “You confuse me, Travis. I am all over the place. I can’t think clearly when we’re together. I feel like I just give in to every little thing you ask me for because you’ve somehow gained this control over me.”

  TJ twitched to life at her words. I loved every second of having control over her, but what she didn’t know was how much control she had over me, too. So I told her.

  “Listen to me, Rhodes. It’s the exact same way for me. I lose all sense when you’re near me. Just the smell of you is enough to drive a man insane. I have never felt this way before, and as much as I love the power you hold over me, it terrifies the hell out of me.”

  She gazed up at me, unrelenting.

  “Tell me what I can do to make this better.”

  She shrugged and looked away. “Nothing.”

  “Don’t fucking lie to me,” I hissed.

  Her eyes met mine again with a touch of surprise at my tone. “I am not lying.” She was indignant.

  I nodded. “Yes, you are. You looked away before you said ‘nothing.’”

  “Fine. You can’t do anything. It’s something I have to figure out. I like letting you take control over me. I like feeling confused if it’s because you’re jumbling my thoughts. I like just being with you. And apparently my jealous tiger comes out when I see you hugging other girls, so cut that shit out.”

  “Done. What else?”

  She thought for a moment, and I interrupted her thinking. Something she’d said had cut me the deepest, and I needed to clarify it. “Can I ask you a question?”