Barefoot and Lost

by Brian Francis Cox

  He would then tell me to get dressed and go to my room. He told me that, at every opportunity when I was on my own, do PT to myself, he said the more practice I had the better it would be. This went on three times a week for about four months then, one night when he touched my dick it grew bigger by itself, Flynn got very excited he then did something he’d never done before, he dropped his trousers and showed me his penis, it was enormous, he the---- sorry I can’t talk about it.’ We are all looking at Lion none of us knows what to say, Brian speaks first putting his hand on Lion’s shoulder,

  ‘You don’t need to say anymore Lion.’

  ‘No, I’m okay, I want to finish.’ Lion clears his throat, choking back the tears, gathering himself. ‘He then made me put his dick in my mouth,’ we all gasp, Peter lets out a little squeal, ‘I tried to pull away but he held my head. His dick was choking me but all he did was push it in further with my nose pressed up against his belly. His fingers were digging in to my neck as he grabbed my hair, he was pulling me closer to him, I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t move, it was then, only then, I realized he was doing this for him, not for me, not to make a man of me he wasn’t doing what all fathers do, he was just being a fucking pervert. I started to hit him but couldn’t hurt him as I could only hit his back, I couldn’t reach anywhere else. Then he screamed and let go of my head, my mouth was hot, and wet, and full of something that felt like phlegm, I thought I was being sick but now I know it was semen. Flynn then leaned back against the table panting and sweating, being free I darted to the door, unlocked it and ran naked to my bed. I cried all night I couldn’t sleep, I wanted to wash my mouth out but was afraid to go to the bathroom in case he came after me. He made me feel so dirty, so ashamed, and foolish, how could I have believed him? I still feel dirty, I even feel ashamed when I touch myself, when I bath or go to the toilet. I can’t even use a urinal in a public toilet, fearing that the person beside me is another Flynn. He has ruined my life.’

  Lion, our big strong leader gets up and goes to his bed, crying.

  ‘Lion, didn’t you tell anyone?’

  ‘No Jack, next morning he grabbed me by the back of my neck and whispered in his quiet way, the way he had used when we were together, ‘Son you are very good at it you know, we must do it again. This is our secret; don’t think for a minute you can tell anyone. Who would believe you? They would think you’re just a crazy kid that had a grudge against me and was making up stories to get me into trouble. I’m a respected member of staff, no one will believe you: think about it.’

  ‘I feel sick; if you hadn’t come in and hit him he would be doing that to me. Do you think he is doing that with all his favourites?’

  ‘He probably is Phil, who knows?’

  ‘He never tried it with me.’

  ‘Nor me.’

  ‘That’s because you both were too old, he likes them young like Toby or Phil. He tried it with both of them and me. I was their age when he tried it on me; he is bound to have a go at Peter so we must protect him.’

  ‘Lion, what’s semen?’ I’m glad Peter has asked the question because I don’t know either.

  ‘You don’t know, no I don’t suppose you do, it’s called different things its proper name is semen but is sometimes called spunk or cum; it is what a dad puts inside his wife to make a baby.’

  ‘Did you have a baby?’

  ‘Of course not, only women can have babies.’

  ‘I don’t want this horrible Flynn doing those things to me; I’m going to tell the Reverend in the morning.’

  ‘You can’t Peter, all you can tell them is what I have told you, they won’t believe you, and they will tell you that I made it up to scare you, and then it will be me that gets into trouble, let us stick to our plan and let Phil write his letter.’

  ‘You can see Peter, why it is so important for me to have your envelope.’

  ‘Yes you can; anything to stop that horrible man.’

  ‘I’ll get it in the morning; don’t worry about what Lion has told you, we won’t let anything happen to you.’

  ‘That’s good, are there anymore terrible things about this place you haven’t told me?’

  ‘No, that’s about all.’

  ‘That’s bad enough, I hate it here.’

  ‘Yeah, that makes all of us. Now let us all go to bed before someone hears us.’

  At chapel the Reverend is asking us to thank God for bringing this war to an end. There is no cheering or singing like there was at my school in Hastings, when Mr. Chapman told us about V.E day, no mention of a party or anything special, he doesn’t even look happy. The only one smiling is Mr, Simmons and he looks as though he is trying to hide his smile.

  The rain has stopped, Brian has gone to recover the tools, and Lionel is hiding Peter’s money. I expect it has gone into Lion’s bank like mine did but I haven’t told Peter, let him think it is safe, he won’t need it anyway. Jack and Toby are cleaning up and I am giving Peter the grand tour. We start up the stairs to the games room when I hear Mam call.

  ‘Phillip, Peter I want a word with you both.’

  ‘Yes Mam, coming.’ Turning to Peter, ‘don’t say anything about what we were told last night, Lion would get into very serious trouble, okay.’

  ‘Okay I won’t, I promise.’

  ‘Peter, the Reverend has a couple of questions he wishes to ask you. Phillip you had better come along as well.”

  ‘The Reverend said he didn’t want to see me unless it was to praise me, is he going to?’

  ‘No, you are not going to see him, you are just going to wait outside so you can show Peter back to where ever you are going. Come to think of it, where are you going?’

  ‘I’m giving Peter a tour of St S’s then we are gardening’

  ‘That is very good, now come along; its Saint Stephen’s do not use abbreviations, be proud of your home, come on, and hurry up’

  When we arrive at the boundary fence we find the other four hard at work sitting down, except for Jack who is the lookout, he was leaning on the rake. We discuss last night and decide that Peter and I are to go to the library this afternoon. Using pages from Peter’s exercise book, I am going to write to Pop. We have all had a good look at Peter’s envelope deciding that we can cover the old address and post mark with a label made from a piece of blank paper.

  ‘Phil, what are you going to use for paste?’

  ‘Flour and water, that’s what we used when we made paper chains on V.E day,

  ‘Yeah I know that, but where are you going to get some flour?’

  ‘Good question Brian; anybody got any ideas?’

  ‘What about you forget about using the envelope, and make a new one. Use a double page from the book, open it out and only write on the inside, then close it like a book. Then, fold it in three, tuck one edge inside the other, write the address on the outside and stick on the stamp, job done’

  ‘Brilliant Lion, I never thought of doing that’

  ‘There is still one problem.’

  ‘What’s that Jack?’

  ‘What are you going to use for glue on the stamp?’

  ‘We use the glue already on it. If we soak it off, keeping it wet, and then put it on the letter still wet it will dry fixed.’

  ‘Are you sure the last thing we want to happen is for the stamp to fall off in the post.’

  ‘I’m sure; Mr. Milligan collects stamps, and I have watched him lots of times soak stamps from old letters and then stick them in his album, it will work’

  ‘That’s settled then. Now I think we should do half an hour of real weeding in case someone checks up on us and sees there is nothing done.’

  There is nobody else in the Library, I have recovered my book from the bottom shelf, and my marker is still there. Peter doesn’t want to read he says he hates it, but with him talking all the time I can’t concentrate on my letter and so far I have only written our address, which I don’t know properly I’ve put Saint Stephens, Pen Dalton, Kent, the date 16th o
f August 1945 and Dear Pop and Tess. ‘Peter, I can’t think when you keep talking do you think you could shut up?’

  ‘Sorry I’ll try to keep quiet.’

  ‘You don’t have to keep quiet, just help me with the letter.’

  ‘I wouldn’t know what to say I’m not very good at letters, that’s why I have never written back to Evelyn or wrote to Jane, I never know what to say.’

  ‘You’re going to be a great help then aren’t you, why don’t you go down to the games room and play a game and leave me to concentrate?’

  ‘But I’m supposed to be keeping guard.’

  ‘You can do it from down there, as soon as someone starts to come up the stairs talk to them, shout out, whatever to let me know.’

  ‘Okay sorry, see you later.’ Peter disappears downstairs, it is nice and quiet, I still can’t think of what to write.

  Opening the Talisman I read again how the Crusader, knight of the Sleeping Leopard, met the Saracen at the oasis, and after a bit of a battle agree to travel across the Syrian Desert together.

  I can’t read, all that keeps going though my mind is what I have to write in the letter. Pop won’t mind if it is not perfect, so I’m just going to say what is in my head, he will understand.

  Dear Pop and Tess

  Please excuse the envelope but I can’t get one here because we aren’t allowed to write to anybody unless we are supervised, in case we say something bad about Saint Stephen’s and if we do we have to rewrite the letter or it doesn’t get sent. This letter I have written in secret and sent using a stamp from another letter I hope it gets to you because the stamp may fall off.

  The letter is secret because we have to tell somebody and I think you are the best person to do something for us, you have to stop him. There is a House Father here called Mr. Flynn who lives outside of St Stephens but stays overnight to supervise meal times, bedtimes and bath times. What he does is very bad Lionel he is the oldest in our dormitory, calls him a pervert because he chooses boys about my age and when they are in the bathroom, he comes in and grabs hold of their penis, and tells them, they must stretch it to be a man. He did it to me the first night I was here. Lionel stopped him when he hit him, then Lionel had to run away but he was caught and is back now and got a beating from the Reverend with his cane. Anyway we have all been talking about it and found out he is doing it to a lot of other boys in his bedroom. He calls it PT, penis therapy. When Lionel was younger one night when Mr. Flynn was giving Lionel PT he forced his penis into Lionel’s mouth. We can’t tell anybody because nobody here will believe us they might all know but make out it is not happening. Please help us Pop don’t write to me because they read all the letters.

  I hope you and Tess are well and that Michael is getting better. Please tell June to tell Len I’m sorry I can’t swim anymore.

  All my love

  Phillip Snell

  P.S. Please believe me I am not making this up it is all true

  P.P.S. Please tell June I miss her, and Mr. M and Jet and ask her please if she will try to foster me. I hate it here, I have met some good friends here, but I still hate it.

  P.P.P.S. I bet you are pleased the war is over; will there be a V.J party?

  I have folded the letter like Lion said, he is right it looks like a letter and shouldn’t come undone, all I have to do now is soak, off the stamp. I have hidden the letter in the book and asked the Knight to look after it.

  I make my way down to the games room to look for Peter, I’m shocked to find him in a corner playing chess with Flynn, and I’m not sure what to do. I have decided the best thing is to stay hidden from them and if Peter leaves with Flynn I will shout are they going to his room for PT. I have my back to them watching them in the big mirror on the wall. I can see Flynn is being very nice to Peter, smiling, laughing, and praising him when he makes a move. I wonder if Peter knows this is Flynn and is keeping him occupied so he won’t come up and catch me writing. Their game is almost finished; Flynn is white and is nearly out of men, I wonder has he let Peter win to get on his good side.

  Flynn stands up and puts his hand on Peter’s shoulder, Peter is smiling he can’t know it is Flynn or he would be pulling back. Peter is packing away the chess set Flynn is laughing and

  patting Peter’s back, as they both move to the cupboard to put the chess set away Flynn still has his arm around Peter. They leave the games room together, is Peter leading him away from me.

  Following at a distance I can’t hear what Flynn is saying but he is doing a lot of talking, it is when they both pass our dorm in the direction of Flynn’s room I start to get worried, should I run up now and shout? They have stopped outside Flynn’s room; Flynn is pointing at the door he then gives Peter a slap on the back and strides off towards the main stair case. Peter turns and makes his way back, he then sees me hiding in the doorway of our dorm. ‘Peter that was Flynn’ with a huge smile he said

  ‘I know what a creep; I was keeping him away from you, he was about to come up the stairs to the library. I knew it was him because someone had told me he limped, so I called out, excuse me sir I am new here, what is up there? Don’t you think that was clever of me, I said it real loud so you would hear me’

  ‘Yeah, it was good thinking but I never heard you. How did you get him to play chess?’

  ‘I was playing a game by myself, on the table at the bottom of the stairs. He saw me when he turned, came over, and asked would I like a game?’

  ‘You weren’t at the bottom of the stairs when I saw you playing.’

  ‘I know, he suggested that we go to the back corner where it was quieter’

  ‘The creep, that was to get you to himself so no one could overhear him, what was he saying?’

  ‘All the things you and the others have been saying how he knows how lost and lonely we are when we arrive especially if we have come from a foster home and that he wants to be a father to me and because he understood if I ever needed to talk, or have a cry, his door is always open. All I have to do is knock, anytime; night or day, and he would be that parent that I missed so much.’

  ‘Why did you go to his door, was he trying to get you in there?’

  ‘No, he was just showing me where it was. Do you know the thing I dislike most about him is, he can’t keep his hands off you, he is always touching and patting, it’s even worse now I know what he does with his hands.’

  ‘Yeah he is creepy, just looking at him makes my skin crawl, you did really well.’

  ‘Do you think so? Did you finish the letter?’

  ‘Yeah all done, all we need is to soak the stamp and find a way to post it.’

  We are gathered on Peter’s bed, having our pow wow, everyone thinks Peter was great the way he dealt with Flynn. Lion says, ‘We will really have to watch Peter because Flynn now thinks Peter is an easy touch.

  ‘Meal times will be okay Lion, we can all be together its bath time that will be the problem’.

  ‘Its bath night tomorrow isn’t it, Mam said I must have one on Friday, will Flynn be on duty?’

  ‘He usually is on Friday nights.’

  ‘Okay, if he is we make sure Peter you are never in the bathroom on your own.’

  ‘Yeah, but how are we going to do that, we’re not allowed to hang around in the bathroom.’

  ‘That’s easy Jack, we take it in turns, and make sure someone is always queuing behind Peter.’

  ‘What are you all talking about queuing, why do I have to queue?’

  ‘Its procedure, Phil will explain it to you; now what about the letter?’

  ‘I finished it; all it needs is the stamp. Peter did I see that you had a soap dish in your things?’

  ‘Yes why?’

  ‘If we put a drop of water in the lid we can soak the stamp overnight, then it will peel off easily.’

  ‘You won’t get the envelope in my soap dish.’

  ‘I know that, I’m going to tear around the stamp so there is only a small piece of paper to soak off, get your dish
and fill it with water for me and I’ll tear the stamp.’

  Chapter Six

  This morning, while the others are cleaning the dorm,’ using Peters pen knife I have lifted a corner of the stamp, it peeled away perfectly and now seems to be stuck fast to my letter, which is now being guarded by the Knight and the Saracen. We have moved to the other side of the house for our gardening, there are fewer weeds here so, between us, we have made a good job in removing all of them.

  Lunch is the usual, tasteless food, I always looked forward to meals when Gran cooked but now I just eat because I am hungry. Mam has announced that every boy is to gather on the sports field at two thirty wearing singlet, shorts, and gym shoes for Physical training. We all laughed when she said that, we were then told to behave, all I can imagine is all the boys on the sports field holding their willies.

  I’m pleased to say it is not at all like that, a man, none of us has seen before, is blowing a whistle and shouting for us to ‘Come down by ‘ere and line up and to pay attention.’ I think I am the only one doing as he says I am also the only one, I think who wants to be here.

  Speaking with a welsh accent, ‘That is better now’ our new member of staff stands before us, his powerful arms folded across a massive chest, his short legs, standing astride, cause, the muscles on his thighs to ripple as he rocks on the balls of his feet. His balding head appears to sit on his broad shoulders; he seems to have no neck at all. The lack of hair on his head is offset by a greying beard. He looks like that advert for Charles Atlas, all muscle, with his head on upside down. ‘Now look you, my name is Gareth Jones, I am your physical training instructor, and you will call me Coach.