Bad Case of Loving You

by Deborah Cooke

  “Thanks. I hope we work it out.”

  “Are you kidding? He’s lucky to have you for a dad, and if he doesn’t know it now, he will by this time tomorrow.”

  Theo thanked Kyle again and ended the call, wishing he shared his friend’s confidence.

  Chopsticks. His worst nightmare.

  Yummy mummies and yoga.

  He had to use the assets he had to make it work. He’d call Naomi to ask for her help in breaking the news to his parents.

  But first, pop-up number eleven.

  Cassie gave him a thumbs-up as the ferry began to take on passengers. Their crew was scattered through the crowd, many wearing hats or heavy coats to conceal the surprise.

  He had this.

  Calling Theo to tell him of her success in making the pictures disappear wasn’t an excuse for Lyssa to hear his voice.

  It was just polite to let him know that she’d kept her promise.

  And it was purely coincidence that she waited until Logan was in bed and asleep before making the call.

  Theo answered right away. “Yes?”

  Lyssa saw no reason to be coy. “It’s done,” she said.

  “I know,” he said, to her surprise. “My sister wanted to know where the pictures went. Kyle said you’d know how to make them disappear, but I was skeptical.” He paused for a moment and his tone warmed a bit. “I’m impressed.”

  “It’s a learned response,” Lyssa admitted.

  “Should I ask how you did it?”

  “I told them that I had to kiss someone at midnight, and who better than the hot guy from the pop-ups.”

  “Thank you for that.”

  “Then I offered a trade. I have eight exclusive interviews booked for this weekend.”

  “Do you have that much exclusive news to share?” he sounded curious.

  “It’ll be a bit thin. I’ll make a chart to ensure that they each get one detail about my retirement that no one else does. I thought the visit to F5 would be Angel’s last appearance, but now these interviews will be.”

  “I’m sorry if coming to the club complicated your plans.” Theo sounded formal again.

  “I’m not,” she said firmly. “It was the right thing to do, even if I didn’t think through all the repercussions.” She hesitated, wanting to say that she didn’t regret kissing him either, but not sure she wanted the conversation to go that way.

  To her relief, Theo seemed to agree, because he asked a neutral question. “Are you going to miss the high life?”

  “Not this part of it.” She sighed, feeling as if a burden was finally slipping from her shoulders. If she could confide in anyone, it would be Theo. “The media can be a real challenge, but it’s a kind of co-dependency. Their attention has fed my ability to get more work. It hasn’t been easy keeping Logan out of view, and it got harder when he started to go to school here.”

  “Why?”

  “Because he wasn’t with me, and I didn’t know who was doing what in his vicinity.”

  “You sound like a controlling mom.”

  “In some ways, I have been. I think I had to be, for his sake. I wanted him to have a comparatively normal childhood.”

  “But?” he invited, hearing that she hadn’t finished.

  It was ridiculously easy to talk to him and Lyssa realized how much she’d missed it.

  “I had to keep my distance from the school a bit, so Simon’s parents did a lot of the driving to and fro. I would rather have done it myself.”

  “They’re good friends, then?”

  “They could be better, but that’s my fault. I’ve kind of gotten used to defending my privacy. I think Sandra would be closer, but I haven’t responded in kind.”

  “Maybe once you’re settled here.”

  “Maybe.”

  There was a long pause, then Lyssa continued. “You’re being very understanding about all of this,” she said. “Is this the lull before the storm?”

  Theo half-laughed. “It’s me trying to get a handle on everything that needs doing. I have to tell my parents about Logan, of course, but I’ve no idea how to explain it.” His voice rose. “Ten years, Lyssa! They’re going to be incredulous, if not more.”

  “Will they want to know him?”

  There was a moment of silence and she thought she’d shocked him. “Of course! They’re just going to think that I really screwed up.”

  “You?”

  “Me. Why didn’t you tell me? What had I done that convinced you that I was untrustworthy with a truth like this? That’s going to be the number one question. Why didn’t you want to get married? And I’m thinking that telling them you were afraid will be a breach of trust, plus something they might misinterpret. The fact that you married someone else is going to make this difficult.” He sighed. “I want to pave the way for Logan and you to have a good relationship with them, but I don’t see how to do it.”

  Lyssa could only respect his concern for Logan. She didn’t have any illusions that Theo’s parents would think well of her.

  She had to help.

  She had to confide in Theo. It had been a long time since she’d really talked openly with anyone, but this was a good place to start.

  “So, let me tell you a bit about Justin,” she said and once she’d started, the words just flowed. “He was the one who suggested I could become a model and do well at it, and he pretty much took me under his wing. He’s older than us, about fifteen years older, and I was impressed by the way he was at ease in the world. He knew things and he knew people and when I followed his advice, it worked. I’d done a fair bit of work by the time I discovered that I was pregnant and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t even tell him at first, because I thought it might end everything, but he noticed my morning sickness and knew what it meant.”

  “A man of the world,” Theo said wryly.

  “A man who lived in a world of young women,” Lyssa said. “To my surprise, he didn’t abandon me. He suggested that we get married, as that would give me a good cover story. He also said it would be easier for there to be two people to be on call for the baby, which did make sense. I wanted to tell you, but he expressed concern about that. He thought you might want me to terminate the pregnancy, something I hadn’t thought of, and then I remembered that you were starting a business. I remembered that you’d made a comment about having kids after you were established and so I wondered if he was right.”

  “So, you married him.”

  “I could only do it because I didn’t love him, Theo. I never believed that love would last, but I thought that a marriage of convenience just might work out. I thought it would be like a business arrangement. It actually worked pretty well until Logan was born.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “Justin had never met or seen you, so it was a shock to him that Logan was brown.”

  “Ah.”

  “And that changed everything.” Lyssa frowned. “I thought when Logan was born about calling you and telling you. I thought he was so beautiful and that you should see him. He astonished me, really.” She felt her throat tighten. “It was incredible to think that we’d created him.”

  “I can believe it,” Theo murmured. “He’s pretty amazing now.”

  “Yes,” she admitted, exhaling the word. It felt like there was a warm glow between them, one that she didn’t want to see dispersed.

  “Let me guess. Justin said I’d challenge you for custody and take him away.”

  “It wasn’t a crazy argument, Theo. I was traveling a lot, so you had more stability than me. And the prospect terrified me, because Logan was everything to me. I couldn’t imagine being parted from him.” She took a shaky breath. “I thought of Aidan’s mom a lot, you know, right from that first day.”

  Theo sounded surprised. “You never met her.”

  “I know, but I remember you talking about Aidan and saying how you called her regularly, and I can’t even think about how devastating it would be to lose Logan. I don’t know how s
he survived it. I really don’t.”

  “It wasn’t easy for her,” he admitted, his tone more gentle. “She’s married again. Just recently. She sounded happy at Christmas.”

  “Good.”

  “Tell me what happened with Justin.”

  “People say the most incredible things, especially to strangers, and we traveled a lot. Airports, in my experience, are where people are rudest. They’d ask me if Logan was adopted, but they’d insinuate or even say to Justin that I must have been unfaithful to him. He found it...challenging, especially when I refused to make our marriage a real one in every sense. To me, sex wasn’t part of the deal.”

  “And that’s when you broke up?”

  Lyssa nodded. “Yes. It didn’t help that the tension between us affected my career and opportunities. Justin is better at the big splash than the quiet build. He soon decided he’d rather work with another young woman to launch her career, and I decided I’d be better off without him.”

  “An amiable parting then?”

  “More amiable than if any hearts had been broken, but it was certainly expensive. I’ll never marry again.”

  “Not even for love?”

  “Theo, we’ve talked about that.”

  “Let’s talk about it again,” he said with resolve. “My father is the most traditional person on the planet. The first thing he’s going to ask me is when I’m going to make this right and marry you.”

  Lyssa sat up straighter. “No!” she said. “That’s the last thing that should come of this.”

  “Because you don’t believe that love lasts?”

  “I know it doesn’t. It can’t. It’s a fleeting and wonderful moment, but nothing can stay that good forever, no matter what all your poets say...” Even as she made the familiar argument, Lyssa was aware that it wasn’t as resonant for her as it once had been. She wasn’t as sure.

  She had hope, which was frightening, too.

  “You mean your love for Logan is temporary?” Theo challenged.

  “No! That’s different, though.”

  “I don’t think so. I think love is love, whether it’s romantic love or any other kind. I think, in fact, that it’s the most important thing in the world.” He spoke with welcome conviction.

  Lyssa closed her eyes against the urge to surrender and agree with him. “We have very different upbringings, Theo,” she said finally. “You believe that love is a rock and a foundation that you can build upon. I believe that no matter how strong it seems, love is conditional, and if the object of affection does something unthinkable, that love vanishes.”

  “You think I can’t love you anymore because you didn’t tell me about Logan?”

  That wasn’t what she’d been thinking about, but Lyssa agreed. “I don’t see how you could. I let you down. I betrayed your trust. I kept him secret from you and had no right to do so.”

  She could hear Theo thinking about that. “But you did it because you loved him, and because you were afraid to lose him, and because somebody very artfully manipulated your fear to use it against you. You said you wanted to tell me.”

  Lyssa took a breath, knowing she had to tell him more. “I wanted to name him Aidan,” she said softly and heard him catch his breath. “Because I knew you would like that.”

  “I would have,” Theo said, his voice husky. “I would have.”

  “It’s his middle name,” she confessed and heard Theo inhale sharply.

  “Lyssa!”

  When he said her name like that, she felt a resonance all the way to her toes. How could it be that her attraction to Theo was never satisfied?

  Would her weakness for him betray her into surrendering too much?

  That old fear seized her heart and she spoke briskly, needing to move past the moment of accord. “Sorry I’ve been a chicken-shit. I should have trusted you.”

  “You’re not a chicken-shit, Lyssa,” he said with surprising heat. “You never have been. You were always the boldest and bravest person I knew, always leaping right in. The only time you hold back is when, as you say, it matters. When you care. And I can’t hold it against you that you care about Logan and protect him so carefully.” He exhaled. “I can be insulted, though, that you still don’t trust me, because I don’t know why you would.”

  Because you matter. Lyssa almost said it out loud but stopped herself in time.

  Did she still love Theo? As soon as she gave the possibility room to unfurl, she knew it was true.

  And it terrified her.

  “We have to make this work for Logan’s sake,” he continued. “And I believe we will. Wish me luck with that call tomorrow.”

  “Luck,” Lyssa said, then sat looking at the phone in her hands. She felt shaken and unsettled, yet tentatively happy. She could have been standing on a precipice, uncertain whether there was solid ground in front of her or not.

  Could it work out with Theo?

  Did she dare to believe?

  She’d called their son Aidan.

  One more time, Lyssa had shaken Theo’s world, but her confession gave him more confidence in the possibility of their future together. He had to convince Lyssa to trust him.

  He had to persuade her of the merit of love.

  He had the sense that everything he desired was at his fingertips, and if he got it right, he could have it all. They could have it all. He was more than ready to step up for that.

  First, the painting. It held at least part of the secret, he was sure.

  He turned up the light and stood before it, studying it. It wasn’t the first time he’d surveyed it, hoping to glean its hidden meaning, but he was optimistic that he’d find it now. It was a dark painting, one filled with shadows and hints. She’d worked in watercolor and he knew she must have meticulously built up the layers. It looked like a night sky, one with a swirl of butterflies approaching out of the distance. He thought of that conversation about the Impressionist painter. Was it really a cloud of butterflies, or just one, over and over again, at different moments in time? Just to the left of the middle and in the foreground was a jar, like a mayonnaise jar. The glass reflected the light of the stars and the moon, and he appreciated Lyssa’s skill in depicting it. It looked so real that he felt he could lift it right out of the painting. And in the bottom of the jar, painted in precise detail, was a dead butterfly. Others, live ones, looked to be flitting around the lid, which was sealed, but he noticed now that only one of them was depicted completely. The others were all partial images, making him think of time lapse photography.

  The one was poised on the lip of the jar, and where it sat, the lid was missing beneath its feet. Its wings were spread and it was the most magnificently colored specimen in the painting. Again, the detail was so realistic that it could have taken flight from the painting.

  Theo leaned closer, noting that the dead butterfly had the same markings. In fact, all of them had identical markings. He stood back and tried to pull together Lyssa’s message.

  The beautiful butterfly approached the jar, drawn by the light reflected in it. It hesitated on the lip of the jar, then it entered and was trapped—and died.

  This was her analogy for love.

  This was her fear.

  This was why she had married Justin, who she didn’t love, because there would be no death to witness.

  And the fact that Lyssa wouldn’t marry Theo told him everything he needed to know. She had loved him. He suspected that she still did.

  But he had to convince her to trust the urging of her heart.

  Lyssa pulled up her knees, thinking furiously. Why had she told Theo so much? She still didn’t know why he’d gotten that tattoo and if there was anyone else in his life. Her instinct to trust him was so strong, but eleven years was a long time.

  Doubts assailed her, all over again.

  “Mom?” Logan’s voice sounded small from the other room.

  “I’m right here.” Lyssa headed for his room and ended up meeting him in the doorway. He opened his arms and
she gathered him into a hug. “Bad dream?”

  “I dreamed you were gone.”

  “Well, I’m not. I’m right here. And so’s your quilt. See?” She pulled back to look at his face. “It was just a dream. You’re stuck with me for good.”

  He smiled a little. “And Theo, too?”

  “I think so. Are you excited about tomorrow?”

  “A little.”

  Lyssa gave him a hug, seeing his uncertainty. He didn’t have many bad dreams, but when he did, they shook him up.

  “It’s going to be okay even if you don’t have a job, right?”

  “It’s going to be awesome. You’ll see. You like that apartment, don’t you?”

  “The one that faces the park.”

  He had champagne taste, that was for sure, but he came by it honestly. “And you’ll be close to Simon and to Theo as well. You want anything? Milk or water?”

  Logan shook his head, looking so young and uncertain that Lyssa wanted to scoop him up and hold him tightly forever. “A story?”

  “A story,” Lyssa agreed and led him back to his bed. She tucked him in, then stretched out beside him, smoothing the old quilt beneath her fingertips. She could see in the darkness that Logan was doing the same thing. Her grandmother’s quilt was the one thing that Lyssa always kept with her, and it had been on Logan’s bed ever since he was born.

  “What was she like?” he asked in a whisper.

  “My grandmother? Oh, I suppose she was like a lot of grandmothers. She was practical and careful with her money. She never wasted anything. She always had chickens in her yard, and fed them the kitchen scraps. She made the best soup and really good biscuits.”

  “Chicken soup?” he asked, wrinkling his nose.

  “Sometimes.” They smiled at each other. “She smelled a little bit like sugar and lavender, and she gave very good hugs. She also could be very stern, especially when she thought I wasn’t being good.”

  “Weren’t you always good?”

  “Nope.”

  “But she loved you anyway,” he concluded with satisfaction.