Hold Me

by Susan Mallery

  “I don’t walk away,” she snapped. “I don’t leave. I stay where I am.”

  He told himself not to take her comments personally. That she wasn’t talking about his leaving. Because he had left. When he’d gotten the opportunity to work with his ski coach, he’d jumped at it. He’d been all of fourteen. Shelby had been a half dozen years younger. He’d told himself she would be safe. Mostly because their father hadn’t started hitting her yet.

  “I worry because you lead with your heart,” he told her gently. “I worry because I want you to be sure you’re doing what you want and not simply acting to help Amber. Helping a friend is a good thing, but in this case it could tie you to something permanently.”

  She sagged back in her seat, as if the fight had gone out of her. “I know you care. I love you, too. But, Kipling, you have to stop taking care of me. I’m not one of your projects. I don’t need fixing.”

  “Fair enough. I won’t try. Besides, there’s no point in fixing what isn’t broken.”

  She reached across the table and patted his hand. “Thank you. You’re a good brother.”

  “One of the best.”

  She laughed. “Now you’re annoying me on purpose. Do you think that’s safe?”

  “I trust you, kid.”

  “You’ve known me all my life.”

  “And most of mine. In fact, I can’t remember when you weren’t around.”

  She leaned toward him. “I had lunch with Destiny and her sister a couple of days ago. There was a group of us. She’s nice and everything, but I get the impression she and her sister aren’t close.”

  Kipling picked up his glass of wine as a way to buy time. He wasn’t sure what to say. A case could be made that he owed Destiny nothing. Only that wasn’t true. He liked her, and he’d kissed her. He was hoping for a lot more, in the “let’s get physical” department. But more than that, he figured the secret was hers to tell or not.

  “I don’t know exactly how she and Starr ended up together,” he said casually. “But she mentioned something about them not knowing each other. They’re half sisters, through their father. Starr’s mom died a while ago.”

  Shelby blinked. “Seriously? That’s just like us. Half siblings through our father, and I lost my mom last year.”

  “Except we grew up together.”

  “Yeah, that would change things. I can’t imagine having a sister I didn’t know.”

  He couldn’t, either. Although he did understand family estrangement. His father was currently sitting in prison for various crimes, beyond beating his daughter. He would be there a long time, and Kipling had no plans to go see him.

  As a teenager, he’d worried about how much of his father he carried with him. Was his father’s darkness like a hibernating monster that would wake with no warning? Because there was no other way to describe a man who beat his daughter.

  He’d been afraid he would one day wake up and feel the dark violence growing inside him. Finally, he’d talked to his coach about what he’d seen at home and what he feared.

  As always, the advice had been honest and practical.

  “Have you ever wanted to hit a woman?”

  Kipling remembered being both shocked and humiliated by the question. “Hell, no.”

  “If you do, go get help. Immediately. Find a shrink. Get on medication. Whatever it takes. You can’t choose where you come from, but you can decide how you’re going to deal with it.”

  Kipling had vowed he wouldn’t let himself turn into his father, no matter what it cost him. The promise had turned out to be easy to keep. He’d been angry to the point of rage and had never once felt the need to raise his hand to anyone. If there was a genetic component to violence, he’d managed to dodge that bullet. If it was the result of nurture, he would guess the skiing had saved him. Either way, he was grateful.

  He thought maybe part of the reason was his connection to the mountains. Flying over snow took a discipline that forced him to control himself. Every action had an immediate consequence, and when he screwed up, the results, or disasters, were unforgiving.

  He wondered what Destiny had gone through, growing up as she had. Which demons had she escaped, and which did she carry with her?

  Later, after he and Shelby had finished their dinner, he walked back to the town house he’d rented. It was still light, and there were plenty of people out enjoying the evening. He nodded and called out greetings, but kept moving. He wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone right now.

  Restlessness pulled at him. He recognized it and knew the cause. Before the accident, the solution would have been easy—hop on a plane and go find a mountain. Get to the top and ski down. That was all. The simple act of movement against snow would take care of the problem.

  He stepped off the curb and felt the pull in his back and down his leg. Remnants of what had happened. Of the accident.

  It had happened so fast—as they always did. He didn’t remember much. Just waking up in a world of hurt. He could have been paralyzed. He could have died. So he couldn’t ski. Big deal.

  Only some days, it was. Some days he thought about how the best part of him had been lost and would never be found again.

  He passed a family out for a walk, a little girl flanked by her parents. Dad pushed a stroller.

  There were a lot of families in town. Couples. People in love. He’d always thought he would get there someday, only he’d never been able to get past the truth. That saying you loved someone didn’t mean a thing. Not when love couldn’t change anything. Heal anything. Fix anything.

  His father had claimed to love his daughter. And then he’d beat her. Shelby’s love for her dying mother had put her right in front of the old man’s fist. What good had love done any of them?

  It wasn’t that he didn’t believe in love. He did. He knew it existed. He loved his sister. He would die for Shelby. But if she was in trouble, he would get off his ass and do something about it. Not just sit back and love her. Or claim to, as their father had.

  He saw other couples all around him. Happy people who made it look easy. Who didn’t seem to be working so hard. But he’d never been able to simply believe. To know it was right. That any particular woman was “the one.” He couldn’t figure out what was different for him. So he stayed with what worked.

  He liked serial monogamy. Maybe he should just go with it. And for the most part, he was happy. But every now and then, he wondered if maybe, just maybe, there was more.

  * * *

  IF SEX WAS the root of all evil, then men were holding the watering can and making the root go deeper.

  Destiny groaned. That didn’t even make sense to her, which sort of proved her point. Look at her. A sensible woman with a responsible job spending twenty-five minutes wondering what to wear to a meeting. Talk about a waste of time. She knew what to wear. She would put on work clothes, which meant jeans or cargo pants and a shirt. It wasn’t like she had much choice. No way she was going to prance into her business meeting in some frilly dress and high heels.

  This was all Kipling’s fault. He’d kissed her. And while she’d been kissed before, something had happened this time. A part of her brain had come loose, or she’d had an influx of unusually powerful hormones. Or she needed to be on anti-Kipling medication, but she doubted that had been invented.

  She closed her eyes and took a calming breath. Or tried to. Because when she opened her eyes, she still wanted to look pretty for the meeting.

  No, she told herself, determined to be honest. Not for the meeting. For the man.

  If only she had someone to talk to, she thought as she pulled out her skinny jeans and shimmied into them. A sensible person who could tell her how to shake off the grubby remnants of lingering sexual attraction. But there was no one. She didn’t really stay in touch with people she’d met on previous jobs. Asking her mother for advice was like calling a pyromaniac for tips on how to avoid fire. And for once, recalling the many words of wisdom from Grandma Nell wasn’t the leas
t bit helpful. Because her thoughts on the subject were incredibly clear.

  If he’s single and rings your bell, then go get a good ringing.

  “I don’t want anything to do with bells,” she muttered as she chose a tight T-shirt and pulled that on.

  She’d already washed her hair and, damn it, used a blow-dryer and round brush to add fullness and a slight wave. Worse, she’d put on mascara. She was pathetic. Kipling was not for her. While he had many excellent qualities, he wasn’t sensible. And apparently, she wasn’t sensible around him.

  The fact that a single kiss could throw her so far off her game only proved her point. No sex. Not until she was ready to have children. It was the slick, steep road to trouble.

  She grabbed her backpack, made sure she had her notes for the meeting then left her bedroom. She found Starr in the living room. The teen looked up from her book.

  “I’m heading out,” Destiny said. “Are you going to be okay tonight?”

  “I’m fine.”

  The words were right, but there was something in Starr’s eyes. Sadness, maybe. Or maybe Starr was still mad at her about lying. Destiny wasn’t sure. Once camp started, Starr would be happier, but that was still a few days away.

  “We can talk when I get home,” she offered. “I could show you some chords.”

  Starr shrugged and returned her attention to her book.

  Destiny wished her sister had come with instructions. Not even a manual. A pamphlet would have helped. But there was nothing.

  “I won’t be late,” she said.

  Starr didn’t say anything, and Destiny left. She promised she would figure out what to do with Starr when she got back. But between now and then, she had a meeting to get through.

  It was after six in the evening, but still warm and sunny. She walked quickly, heading for City Hall. Apparently, there was a small auditorium they would be using for the volunteer meeting.

  While the HERO program would have a few key permanent staff, the majority of the search crew would be made up of volunteers. A percentage of those would need to be trained to use the equipment. The purpose of tonight’s event was to discuss the program with the community and, ideally, to get people to sign up. Or at least show some interest.

  Given the personality of the town as she’d seen it, Destiny didn’t think there would be a problem getting people to show up. The plan was to pull the majority of the volunteers from local police and firefighters, who already had the necessary training. She was curious as to how many other people would be interested in signing up for the HERO program.

  She got to City Hall and took the stairs up to the main door. There were signs in the entrance hall pointing her toward the auditorium. She walked in only to find that she was the first one there...except for Kipling.

  He stood by the stage, studying his notes. Overhead lights seemed to cast some kind of glow about him. Destiny knew all the tricks lighting could play and told herself not to be impressed. Which she wasn’t. It was just that she couldn’t seem to catch her breath.

  Damn him, she thought, nearly stomping her foot. And the kiss. And the hormones. And her body for betraying her. She knew better. She’d seen it, lived it, had felt the pain of watching her parents being swept away by yet another “one true love.” She’d been cast aside, ignored and forgotten. Even now she was dealing with the consequences of her father’s fling sixteen years ago in the form of a teenage daughter he seemed to have forgotten he had. She wasn’t going to give in. She was going to stand strong.

  She squared her shoulders, sucked in a breath and stalked up to Kipling.

  “Let me be clear,” she said by way of greeting. “I will not be your plaything.”

  He looked up at her and grinned. “Why not? I’m happy to be yours.”

  Destiny felt her mouth drop open. He had not just said that. Who talked like that? But before she could start expressing her opinion in a volume designed to get his attention, two old ladies walked into the auditorium. She recognized one of them as Eddie Carberry.

  Destiny lowered her voice. “This isn’t over,” she promised.

  His smile never wavered. “I was hoping you’d say that.”

  “I meant this conversation. Not the whole...” She clenched her teeth together. “Never mind. I’ll deal with you later.”

  “Looking forward to it.”

  That man, she thought, turning away from him. He was so annoying. He hadn’t been annoying before.

  She told herself to ignore him and the strange sensations rushing through her body. This was business. She was here to do a job. Kipling was simply an obstruction she had to get over. Or through. Or something.

  More people arrived and found seats. Miles showed up, and Destiny moved to sit next to him. Despite his good looks, she didn’t have to worry about being attracted to him.

  “What has your panties in a twist?” he asked as she settled beside him.

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “You look angry. It’s kind of sexy.”

  She rolled her eyes. “You’d find drywall sexy.”

  “Only if it was girl drywall.” He pointed to the stage. “Shouldn’t you be up there?”

  As the time for the meeting approached, she saw Kipling was walking toward the stairs on the side and knew she should join him. After all, she was going to be speaking to the group.

  The room was nearly full, she thought as she reluctantly got up and followed him to the small podium on the stage. There were a couple of chairs behind it. He turned to her. A smile tugged at his mouth. She felt everyone in the room watching them.

  “Don’t even think about it,” she said in a low voice.

  He chuckled. “I was going to ask if you wanted to speak first, or if you wanted me to go first.”

  Like she believed that. The man was trouble. Grandma Nell would have adored him.

  “You tell them about the program,” she said. “I’ll talk about the technical stuff, then we can take questions together.”

  Kipling nodded and approached the podium. He flipped on the microphone.

  “Thanks for coming tonight, everyone. I appreciate the show of support from the community. For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Kipling Gilmore, and I’m in charge of the town’s search and rescue program.”

  “You mean you’re our head HERO,” Eddie yelled from her seat in the audience. The older lady next to her clapped.

  Kipling nodded. “That would be me. Help Emergency Rescue Operations is going to save lives. But we’re a small organization, just getting started, and we’ll need help. Volunteers. Tonight’s meeting is to explain how the program is going to work and how you can get involved.”

  Destiny only half listened as Kipling went through the details of the program. She knew the particulars better than most. When it was her turn, she would explain how the software would make finding those who were lost just a little easier.

  She liked her job. She liked knowing that when she moved on, she’d left things better than when she arrived. She liked the people she met and the sense of belonging, however temporary. She’d met a lot of nice people and more than one attractive man. But no one had rattled her as much as Kipling. She was going to have to figure out why he got to her, then find a way for it to stop.

  When Kipling was done, Destiny took the podium and talked about the STORMS software and how it would help with HERO, then together they took questions. She tried not to notice how close they stood to each other as they shifted to use the microphone in turn.

  Eddie Carberry raised her hand. “Gladys and I want to volunteer. Are you going to tell us we’re too old?”

  Destiny smiled at Kipling. “I’ll let you take that one.”

  Several people in the audience laughed.

  “Thanks,” he said, moving forward and clearing his throat. “We appreciate everyone who wants to volunteer. There are going to be opportunities for every level of fitness.”

  Eddie scrunched up her face
. “You’re going to stick us in the office, aren’t you? We want to be out in the field.”

  Kipling’s expression turned pained. “We can talk about that, if you’d like—”

  “And then you’ll say no.” She stood, as did Gladys. “We want an adventure this summer, before we’re too old. If you’re not going to give it to us, we’ll find someone who will. That’ll show you what we’re capable of.”

  The two older women walked out of the meeting. When they’d left, a tall woman stood. She wore a dark blue T-shirt with FGFD emblazoned across the front, and she was clearly pregnant.

  “Don’t let them get you down,” she said. “They love to make trouble. I’m Charlie Stryker, by the way. Fool’s Gold Fire Department. I’m interested in volunteering. Most of us on the department are. We’re going to sign releases so the HR department can link our work shift information to your database. That way you’ll know who’s available when. People tend to get lost when it’s least convenient to everyone else.”

  A couple of police officers made the same offer. Kipling took down the names of the two departments’ human resources contact and promised to be in touch. By the end of the meeting, they had dozens of volunteers.

  “You’re not going to have any trouble filling positions,” Destiny said when she and Kipling walked off the stage.

  “Good to know.” He nodded at her. “I’m going to go talk to Charlie before she leaves. I’ll see you around.”

  “Sure.”

  Destiny’s brain was pleased by his all-business attitude. She’d made her feelings very clear and appreciated how he’d obviously listened. The rest of her was just a little crabby that he seemed to have gotten over her so quickly. And that there wasn’t going to be any more kissing. Which only proved her point about how things like sexual attraction messed with the mind and left a perfectly rational woman teetering on the mental edge.

  CHAPTER SIX