Peace of Infinity

by Maegan Abel

  I would say I was surprised he gave in, but just one look at his face told me this was what he needed too. The tension in his body and the careful distance he normally kept in his expression disappeared.

  He was open.

  He pulled back, parting only long enough to yank off my shorts and panties in one swift movement. I grabbed his waistband, curling my fingers in and tugging him closer as I made quick work of the button and zipper. I barely had a chance to free him before he was on me and slamming inside.

  “Fuck,” he growled, burying his face in my neck. “We have to be quick, Evie.”

  He bit down on the spot he was speaking against and my body convulsed at the shock of painful pleasure. He rolled his hips as he thrust deep and the tension that had been building over the last twenty-four hours came tumbling back in a wave. I tried to focus, keep myself in the present, but my emotions were getting the best of me. I hooked my legs around him, trying to force him closer as the dream started playing on some macabre loop in my memory. The devastation I felt—she felt—washed over me again and I gasped. Gavin pushed up, eyes on my face, so I grabbed him around the neck and pulled him back down to hide it. I dug my nails in, his groan reverberating through our connected bodies as I clenched my jaw to keep it from trembling. I could feel him, all of him—his breath against my shoulder, his weight against my body, his every movement inside me, yet the physical couldn’t outweigh the emotional.

  “Let go, Ev,” Gavin said, his arms shaking as he held back his own release. He started to pull back again, most likely to look at my face, and I panicked.

  In that panic, I faked it.

  It wasn’t the first time in my life I’d faked an orgasm. Not by far. But it was the first time doing it made me feel…empty. I arched my body into his, squeezing him with all I had while praying it was enough. I needed to be done. I needed not to feel anymore. What the hell is happening to me?

  Sex was always my escape from emotion. It was different with Gavin, but I’d never been this consumed with…well, everything. I thought I’d needed him, but I realized I needed him too much.

  And that thought catapulted the panic to a whole new level.

  Relief coursed through me as Gavin’s body tightened with his release. He went from his hands to his elbows, his forehead against my collarbone as he struggled to regain his breath. I closed my eyes, forcing all emotion away in the few seconds I had before his sharp eyes read it on my face. By the time he lifted to kiss me, I’d locked it up tight.

  His lips grazed mine, over and over, our breath mingling, before he pushed up farther, disconnecting our bodies. We both hissed in a breath at the loss and his eyes came to mine, his expression confused. “You good?”

  “Yeah. I just have sand in places no one should ever have sand,” I said, shifting and making a face as I felt the scratching for the first time against my bare skin. Only the first word of my response was a lie, but the heaviness of hiding something from him settled over me. He frowned, moving to button his jeans before grabbing my shorts and panties and passing them over to me.

  “Sorry about that,” he said, but it was distracted. I fought the urge to look up in order to read his expression. “I’ll help you shower when we get back.”

  “I’m sure I can manage,” I replied, trying to say it in a joking tone, but the air felt heavy between us now and he was still watching me. Could he know? How?

  “Your call.” He sighed and shook his head. “I’m here if you need me.”

  In that moment, I knew he meant for more than just the shower.

  “Wanna tell me what’s on your mind?” I asked, hoping by pointing out I was aware something was bothering her she would come out with it. We’d showered and crashed the night before—I’d crashed at least—and so far this morning, she hadn’t acted even remotely like she wanted to get out of bed. She was lying with her arm across my stomach, head on my chest, and one leg thrown over mine. Occasionally, she traced patterns across my skin with just the tips of her fingers. It was clear she was awake, but I didn’t know how long she’d been there thinking whatever thoughts had her so upset last night that she’d need to fake an orgasm with me.

  I wanted to make it up to her when we showered, but she shot me down each time I tried.

  “I had a dream. But I don’t know if it was just a dream or…something else.” Her voice was soft, but she didn’t move to look at me. I traced my fingers up to brush her hair off her shoulder, hoping she would continue.

  “Do you want to tell me about it?” I finally asked, knowing I was prodding, but her behavior was so unlike her.

  “Would you actually confirm if I remembered something?” She tilted her chin and barely glanced up through her lashes to watch my face.

  “Maybe,” I answered, then sighed. Whatever this was, it was deep. I knew it was unfair of me to continue keeping things from her. “I don’t want to tell you something I think will upset you, but they’re your lives, too. I’ll answer questions or tell you stories if you want.” I twisted her hair around a finger and watched her as she thought through my response.

  “I was in a wheelchair. There’d been a car accident, I think.”

  I smiled, giving her a nod. “Yeah. You broke your back.”

  She definitely wasn’t happy to hear this was a memory and the guilt I’d felt in that life every time I looked at her in that chair came back to me. It wasn’t easy to live through. Even now. But damn, that cycle had been incredible. It was a testament to the strength Evie possessed.

  “Did something happen to you? The night you proposed?” Her question broke into my thoughts, shattering them into pieces.

  My smile faded. It was one of the happier lives we’d spent together, but our time had been short. Well, short in her judgment of time, anyway. But at this point, it did no good to lie to her about it. “Yeah. Something happened to me.”

  “You died, didn’t you?” Her body was tight, her muscles coiled like she was preparing for the worst. In a way, she was. She was preparing to bolt. The energy in the room was charged and no matter what I said, she was going to take this hard. Before I could even consider how to soften the blow, how to explain, she continued. “And I could feel it. I was sitting there at the kitchen table and I could feel something was wrong, and you…”

  “Ev,” I whispered, wrapping my arms around her in hopes of somehow calming the direction her emotions were taking her.

  “On the night you proposed? Really? I mean, that doesn’t even…you left to get ice cream. What happened?” Her voice was trembling and I wondered just how much she remembered. Dom told me later it had been hard on her.

  “Does it matter what happened?” I asked, not wanting to give her fuel for the fire she was already building. She’d been afraid of this very outcome from the beginning and now she was remembering the one time it had gone that way.

  “You said they were my lives too. I want to know,” she pressed, pulling away from my arms to look up at me. “Not answering just makes it worse. I deserve to know the truth.”

  I sighed. “Someone robbed the store. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I was shot and died later during surgery,” I said, subconsciously rubbing at the spot in my stomach where the bullet struck.

  She stared at me and I could count the emotions as they scrolled across her face. We’d never talked about this life and seeing her remember it, watching her relive it in her mind, was worse than listening to Dom tell me how she’d wasted away right in front of him and he’d done everything he could to save her. She shoved shakily to her feet and backed across the room, her eyes distant, and as much as I wanted to follow her, to tell her that was the only time she’d ever lost me that early, it was obvious she wouldn’t hear me right now.

  “I couldn’t…I couldn’t go in to see your body. I was sitting outside the door with Dom and his parents and everyone was so calm, but I…I couldn’t do it. It felt like I couldn’t even breathe.” Her voice trembled with her body, barely making a sou
nd but showing her terror. She still wasn’t fully out of the memory.

  “You were admitted to the hospital. You spent almost a month there being monitored for different things and nobody could understand why your body just kept deteriorating,” I said, continuing her story. All I could do now was hope she would remember how much we meant to each other. If she would just let me in, she would know it was worth it. Even in these cycles that ended in tragedy.

  She stared at me, her wide eyes looking almost sunken in her pale face, and I fought back a tremor. She looked like the image of her that had been floating in my head since that cycle. “Dom was there. Every single day. He talked to me, told me everything. But…”

  “But they released you from the hospital and your body continued to shut down. You’d given up,” I said, feeling the pain of that thought more than the memory of the pain from the bullet. My beautiful Evangelie, so full of life, who never once considered her own injuries a burden and always saw the bright side of a situation.

  “I died. Not long after you, I died.” She was staring at me, wanting me to verify her words.

  “A month to the day. Yes,” I said, sighing. I already knew what was coming next and I had no idea how to fight it anymore.

  “And you want that for me again? You want that for you?” Her voice matched the astonishment on her face.

  “We’ve been at this a long time. We’ve been through a lot of cycles. That was one. The only one where the cycle ended that early. That is the exception and—”

  “I watched my grandma live in constant pain. My mom gave up, just like I did once apparently, and because you say that’s rare, it makes it okay?” She ran her hands through her hair, pulling it back from her face. “I can’t…I can’t even think about this right now. I need to…” She glanced at the clock. “I have to go. I’m already going to be late for work.”

  “Ev, you need to stay and talk to me about this,” I tried, knowing she wouldn’t listen.

  “No. No, that’s the last thing I need to do right now.” She turned and grabbed her clothes before rushing out of the room.

  I shoved out of bed, tugging on a pair of sweats before heading to the kitchen to start coffee. Dom was awake on the couch, looking like he hadn’t slept at all while Cara was sprawled out with her head resting in his lap. He watched me as I started the pot and then moved toward the doorway to the living room, leaning my shoulder against the frame.

  “That didn’t sound good,” he said, verifying he’d been able to hear most of the conversation.

  “Yeah. I’m pretty sure that was the beginning of the end,” I admitted, dropping my head. Just saying the words out loud made the dread creep through my veins like a predator. I wasn’t ready for this. Not that anyone could be ready to face a future, however brief, without the other half of their soul.

  How the fuck could she not feel this?

  “You giving up?” Dom asked, and I raised my head to look him in the eyes. I couldn’t even blame him for the pity I saw. He’d been through this with me and he knew just how hard it would be.

  “Not unless I have to,” I said, clearing my throat when my voice cracked. I shook my head in frustration as I headed back to the bedroom.

  The house was quiet. The only noise was Stitch’s heavy breathing as he lay sprawled across the living room floor where he’d been asleep for the last several hours. I’d given up on the TV, knowing nothing was actually holding my attention. I needed to talk to Evie. The distance between us caused a hollow ache to build in my chest and that feeling was becoming increasingly painful. She was close to the decision that would rip us both wide open, but she hadn’t made it. Not yet, at least.

  I needed to talk to her.

  The problem was, she was avoiding me. As usual. She’d offered to cover someone’s shift again this evening and pull a double just so she could put it off that much longer.

  Stitch rolled to his stomach and growled low. Seconds later, I heard the car turn into the driveway. I stayed put while Stitch headed to the door, not sure that meeting her there would make this any easier. Nothing would. I sat, right leg crossed so my ankle was resting on my left knee, watching as she entered the house. She cooed briefly at Stitch, whose whole body was shaking with excitement at her return. Funny how she could accept the unconditional love of an animal so easily, but couldn’t see the beauty in the unconditional love binding us together.

  “I thought you’d be in bed,” she said, walking a little farther into the house and dropping her purse on the counter. I didn’t respond. She wasn’t looking at me and I refused to talk at her if she wasn’t going to listen. She sighed, reading my silence accurately. “I’m exhausted. Can we not do this tonight?”

  I shook my head, attempting to hold on to my temper as my frustration hit a boiling point. This was her way—evade, evade, evade until she couldn’t any longer. Shoving up from the couch, I turned and headed down the hallway without speaking. It was probably for the best anyway. After a full day of no word from her, I was already frustrated. I tugged my shirt over my head and tossed it into the basket by the closet. Yanking off my jeans, I did the same with them before pulling on my sweats. I wished I’d gone for a run earlier. Something, anything, to get out some of the angry energy that always built up when I felt this unsettled. It wasn’t a feeling I liked.

  “So, you’re going to give me the silent treatment? That’s mature.”

  I turned to see her standing just inside the bedroom door, arms crossed over her chest. Hostile. Defensive. She wanted to fight, but she was just as scared as I was of the outcome when it happened.

  “I stayed up to make sure you made it home. You did. You’re tired. I’m tired. I’m going to bed. You can do whatever you want,” I said. It was direct and I managed to hang on tight enough to keep the edge out of my voice.

  “I didn’t ask you to stay up,” she snapped, reading the anger emanating off me and throwing in her own.

  “I didn’t say you did. It was for my own peace of mind, okay? I worry about you,” I said, and sighed as I climbed into bed.

  “I’m sleeping on the couch,” she said and I clenched my jaw, turning just my head and leveling her with a glare.

  “If you’re trying to pick a fight, go for it. You know I’ll just carry your ass back in here. You don’t want to fight tonight, then just sleep in the damn bed and we’ll talk tomorrow,” I said, rolling over, turning my back to her without waiting for her decision.

  I should’ve expected to walk in the house the following evening and find it quiet.

  I paused inside the door, listening before giving a short whistle for Stitch.

  Nothing.

  I walked slowly through the kitchen, already fairly sure what I’d find but needing to see it for myself. I pushed open the bedroom door and immediately glanced to where Evie’s bag had been. Knowing it would be gone didn’t make it any easier to see.

  Taking a deep breath, I tried not to react, but it was useless. With the keys still in my hand, I turned and headed straight back to my car. I was going to find her and put an end to this back and forth. Walking away from her wasn’t something I did because being in her life at all was better than losing her completely, but there were cycles, like this one, where I was left with no other choice.

  I concentrated on driving as I headed to check Cara’s house first. If she wasn’t there, I’d go by the diner. If I couldn’t find her at either place, I’d call Dom. She wouldn’t leave without at least telling Cara, so all I could do was hope she was still in town. Of course, if she wasn’t, it was just as easy. Or just as hard.

  When I turned onto the street, I immediately spotted Evie’s car in the drive. I didn’t want to fight, but after everything, she walked away. I couldn’t hang on any longer. She could sever it or not, but either way, tonight was going to be the end.

  I climbed out of the car, almost disappointed to hear Stitch barking from inside the house. It was clear she was here so it shouldn’t have bothered me. Plus, it wa
s good to know she had him. Despite everything, I wanted her safe and happy.

  That’s all I ever wanted.

  I knocked on the door, anger and defeat blurring my vision as I waited. I knocked again when there was no response.

  “I’m not leaving, Ev, so you might as well open the fucking door.” Well, that was one way to go about it. Now she knew I was pissed.

  The door flung open and before I could speak, she did. “Look, I—”

  “No,” I cut her off and lifted a hand, “you had your chance to talk and you didn’t. Now, it’s my turn.” I dropped my hand, giving Stitch a rub on the head so he would calm his assault on me as he begged for attention. I kept my eyes trained on Evie. “We chose this. You don’t remember that and I’ve never told you before, but I’m telling you now. We chose this. Together. In our first cycle, we made the decision to continue as Infinity. When we found each other, it was perfection. We could’ve lived it and been done, but we chose to keep going. And you should know, it was an easy decision to make. For both of us. We wanted this. We wanted to have each other, we wanted it all, and I’ve never regretted that decision. Not once. I love you.” She flinched from the words as if they were a slap and I shook my head, fighting the urge to walk away now, knowing I needed to finish this. “I don’t even like you at the moment, but I love you. I think you’re selfish. I think you’re self-destructive. I think you’re dead set on clinging to the title of bitch and you don’t even know how to be humble. You think you’re hiding the fact that you feel vulnerable, but you’re not. Not from me. You seem to forget I know you.” I lifted my hand to my chest, resting it over my heart. “I know everything there is to know about your heart and who you are.”

  I dropped my head and clenched my jaw, taking a deep breath in order to make myself say the words I needed to say. “I can’t do it anymore. I can’t always be the one putting my ass on the line, Evangelie. You’re still trying to convince yourself I’m a mistake. After everything that’s happened and all we’ve been through and…goddammit.” I blew out a sigh and lifted my eyes to hers. “I’m done. I can’t do this. I can’t fight for someone who won’t fight for me. Not anymore.” The hollowness was threatening to swallow my chest, to eat at me until I eroded from the inside. I was young and this would be a long life without her, but I shook away the fear of time. I leaned in, stupidly taking in a deep breath of her scent as I pressed my lips to her forehead. “I hope you find your peace.”