Peace of Infinity

by Maegan Abel

  That was all I had left. I stepped back, keeping my eyes from her face as I bent and scratched Stitch’s head one more time. She didn’t speak, didn’t move. She stood, frozen in the doorway, but she didn’t beg me to stay. It was ludicrous to even consider the idea that this Evie would beg, no matter how much I wanted her to. I’d never wanted anything more.

  I glanced up, allowing myself a second to study her expression. There was fear written all over her features and her beautiful eyes were shining with tears. Her pain was obvious. It was there and it was prominent. Hope threatened and I tried not to let it take control.

  Prove me wrong, Ev. Come on. Fight for us.

  She didn’t. Her eyes closed briefly and her face smoothed. When she opened them again, that impenetrable wall was back in place. I waited, but she didn’t speak. She didn’t sever us on the spot either, but that didn’t really matter at the moment.

  With a nod as my final goodbye, I turned, heading back to my car. Every step increased the discomfort, but I knew from experience this was nothing compared to the next month. And then the next year.

  The only thing I could be grateful for was the brevity of life.

  It wasn’t until Stitch whimpered and nudged my leg that I realized the door was still open and I was standing there, frozen. I actually wouldn’t have been the least bit shocked if I were frozen given the ice flooding through my body as I watched Gavin’s car back out of the drive. A large part of me wanted to scream for him to stop, to…what? Beg him to stay? Yell at him for what he said? There was no point. He’d made his decision when I hadn’t been able to make mine.

  And more, his decision was the best way to protect us both.

  My stomach twisted painfully and I slammed the door, rushing to the sink, worried I might vomit. I didn’t, but my body trembled and I couldn’t make it stop. I had no idea what was happening, but I gripped the counter tight and tried to focus on breathing. Slowly, I inhaled, ignoring Stitch and everything around me. My ears were ringing and I couldn’t hear anything but that and the strange hollow sound of my own breaths. I exhaled, ignoring the ragged sound it made as it caught brutally in my chest.

  I realized my legs were shaking and lowered myself to my knees and then sat, scooting to the corner of the kitchen to lean against the cabinets as I tried to regain some bearing on my life. I’d never felt anything this overwhelming and couldn’t find a word to fit the emotion. I just knew it was unfamiliar. I closed my eyes and realized my mistake. A flood of images followed as if whatever just happened brought with it every memory I’d ever made with Gavin. I gasped as the pain sliced deep and wrapped my arms around myself as Stitch nudged into me.

  It was painful to hear Gavin’s words, but I wasn’t sure if I could believe them. I couldn’t imagine myself making the decision to put us through this hell over and over because no matter how much I might care about Gavin, I wasn’t sure how to survive this moment. At the same time, the girl from the dream, the one who was head over heels in love with the boy who’d saved her life…I could see her making that choice easily. If I found a way to ask the version of her wasting away in the hospital after Gavin’s death, I wondered what she would say.

  Would she still have made the choice?

  As much as I wanted to believe she—or I, really—wouldn’t have put myself through that if I’d known the outcome would be so hard, I was pretty sure that Evie would. The girl in the dream was so happy. The Evie I could see when I closed my eyes, walking down a path lit by candles and white flowers toward Gavin, was happy. The girl lying in his arms on the beach, the girl laughing and being chased by him in the rain, the girl smiling as he leaned in to kiss her…they all chose that.

  But this girl, me, I couldn’t do it. Something in me was just too damaged and because of that, even in the moments I wanted to be happy with him, I held myself at a distance. I couldn’t let him in, not completely. I couldn’t let myself trust it because the second I did, it would all be gone. Just like my grandma. Just like my mom. Just like the girl sitting at the table waiting for her fucking ice cream after getting engaged to the love of her life.

  And Gavin. What about him? How could he see any of this as fair? In all these lives, he probably spent more time fighting for me or dealing with guilt over my injuries, or fighting pissed off fiancés, than he spent being happy with me.

  The sob I’d been trying to contain ripped violently from my chest and Stitch’s face was in mine as he whimpered again. This was all wrong. Every part of it.

  I realized what I was feeling then and it was something I’d never felt before in my life.

  I was lost.

  I had no direction, no idea what I was supposed to do and for the first time, that scared me.

  And with that, I lurched to my feet, barely making it back to the sink before I vomited.

  It only took two days for me to realize I couldn’t stay in Hawk Bay.

  Everything about it hurt and I made myself a wreck waiting for Gavin to walk in while I was at work or show up at the house. He’d made his decision, but the thought was always there, lingering in the back of my mind. Something was different between us, though I couldn’t explain it, I felt it—a distance that may not be there physically, but was somehow still squarely between us.

  By the end of day four, I couldn’t breathe. I was a zombie and it wasn’t like me. Breakups were inevitable. They were part of life…or that’s what I’d always heard. I’d never cared enough about a guy to be upset when whatever we had was over. I wasn’t weak and a breakup didn’t define me. I just needed to get the hell away from here and I’d be myself again.

  Lying to myself still didn’t work, but it was all I had.

  By the time Dom and Cara walked into the house, I’d already loaded my car. They must not have noticed because they were both laughing and Cara was blushing as they wandered into the living room.

  “Hey…” Cara trailed off, the smile slowly falling as she glanced around the room. “What’s going on?”

  I took a deep breath, wishing I’d just left a note while knowing I needed to say goodbye in person. “I’m leaving. I can’t be here anymore.”

  Cara pulled her bottom lip between her teeth and her eyes slid to Dom. “I’m gonna step outside and let the two of you talk,” he offered, kissing Cara on the top of her head before moving back out the door.

  I stared after him, trying to hold myself together when all I wanted to do was fall apart. It was all I’d wanted to do for the last several days and the only way I knew to handle this kind of pain was to run from it.

  It was what I did when I left Portland. I tried to outrun the pain of burying my grandmother and instead, I ran headfirst into my own nightmare…who wasn’t a nightmare at all. I closed my eyes, clenching my jaw to keep the emotions at bay.

  “Why are you leaving?” Cara asked, and I looked her way to see her leaning back against the wall across from me. “You don’t have to—”

  “I do. I do have to.” I waved my hand toward where she’d just been standing with Dom. “I can’t watch…” I trailed off and sighed. “It hurts. It kills me every day to see the two of you. And don’t get me wrong, I know that sounds like an asshole thing to say, but every day that passes, I feel him less and I don’t know what’s happening. I think he might’ve…I don’t know. I don’t know if he can end it, but…”

  “He can’t.”

  I glanced back up at Cara, my eyes having drifted to the floor during my admission of weakness. “How do you know?”

  “I ask questions. You’re so against knowing anything and so freaking stubborn, you won’t ask anyway. But you have the ability to end the cycle. He has the ability to sever it permanently.”

  I stared, my mouth hanging open, but I only exhaled as if I’d been punched. My heart was suddenly solid, not beating at all for a moment as my arms moved reflexively to wrap around my middle. The word permanently battered around in my skull. I wasn’t sure why I was so afraid of it. “Do you…maybe he…” I di
dn’t realize I was speaking my jumbled thoughts aloud until Cara moved to sit beside me on the couch.

  “He didn’t,” she whispered, leaning her shoulder into mine. “I saw him tonight.”

  My head snapped up. “You saw him?”

  Her hand came to the small of my back, rubbing lightly in the way I did when she was sick or sad when we were kids. It hadn’t occurred to me until now that it was always me taking care of her, not the other way around. “Yeah. Dom’s been worried about him, so we went out to dinner. Ev—”

  “No.” I shook my head, waving a hand and trying to play off pain I was sure she saw streaking my features. “No, it’s fine. I don’t…I’m glad he’s okay.”

  “I didn’t—”

  “I know. Stop. Just…stop.” I pushed to my feet, whistling quickly for Stitch. He lurched at the sound and his whole body shook with the force of his tail wagging. I wanted his enthusiasm. No, I fucking needed his enthusiasm. “I love you, Cara Beara.” I didn’t look at her, just paid attention to loving on Stitch. “I need to get on the road. Take care of him for me.”

  “It’s late. Evie—”

  I cut her off with a hug and headed for the door, moving quickly in hopes of outrunning her. The second I opened the door, I saw my escape wouldn’t be so easy. Dom stood on the porch, arms crossed over his chest and eyes on me. It was his eyes, the knowing glint in them, and the small smile on his lips that stopped me. Fear took up residence in the pit of my stomach, slithering up my spine.

  Had he called Gavin? Did Gavin know I was leaving?

  Fuck.

  I needed a clean getaway and Dom could ruin it.

  “Can I at least get a hug before you disappear?” he asked, but he didn’t drop his arms. It took a second for me to realize he knew I wasn’t about to get mushy and hug him. He was fucking with me.

  “I’m not disappearing. When I came back to Hawk Bay, I said I wasn’t staying. This place was a stop on the road in my life.” The last sentence felt a little choked when I said it and he shook his head, letting me know he didn’t believe me.

  “I get it, Ev. I do—”

  “Do you?” I asked, feeling Cara come up behind me. Dom’s eyes looked past me to her.

  “Can you give us a minute?” I glanced over my shoulder after Dom spoke and watched as Cara forced Stitch back inside. He whined, confused, but he loved Cara, so I knew he’d be happy.

  I waited until the door closed. “If you told him I’m leaving and you’re stalling me for him, I swear to…” I trailed off when Dom’s expression hardened, his eyes darkening beneath the thick line of his brow. I’d only seen him seriously angry when Cara was in the accident and this look rivaled that one.

  “I don’t have a loyalty to him, if that’s what you think. It’s not like it’s him and me against you. God.” He pulled a hand through his hair, anger rolling off him in waves. “I met you first, Ev. Me. You and I were friends for two full cycles before you met him.”

  This information was a bullet and it pierced my heart in a way nothing else had.

  “We’re friends. All of us. But you and I are usually together earlier. I hate…” He paused and sighed. “I hate that I didn’t find you until recently in this cycle. I wish I could’ve been there with you before. I missed you, and then you were here, and now…” My body jolted a little when he turned his head and the porch light caught the glint of tears in his eyes. I wasn’t sure anyone had ever cried over me in my life.

  I couldn’t handle anymore, so I attempted to move the conversation forward. “You act like this is the end. You’re with my sister. It’s not like I’ll never see you. Plus, wasn’t it you and Gavin who kept telling me this is just one cycle?” Something about the sudden shift in his expression gave me pause. “You…I will see you again. I mean…he’s not planning to…”

  Dom’s eyes widened. “No. No, it’s not him.”

  “You?” The word barely made a sound because I’d lost all my air with the sucker punch he’d just delivered.

  “Not like that. I know I’ll see you again in this life, it’s just…” he sighed. “Cara and I haven’t talked about Infinity in that way yet. It’s still early. We haven’t made our choice to continue. She may not want to.”

  Something about the way he looked down at his hands, nervously fidgeting, made me smile. “How could she not?” He shook his head and I stepped closer to him, leaning down a little to get in the line of his gaze. “Someone told me once this level of devotion was hard to resist—”

  “You managed.” His words stung and he sighed when he realized he’d delivered another blow. His arms shot out and circled my shoulders, pulling me to his chest.

  “Maybe Infinity isn’t the curse. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m the curse,” I whispered, allowing my fear to show in front of him. It was hard, but for some reason, I needed Dom to understand me.

  “One day, you’re going to realize that’s not true,” he said into my hair, and I squeezed my eyes shut in an effort to keep from crying. I’d never felt closer to tears. I needed to leave. I needed to be gone and quick.

  I gripped the sides of his shirt for a moment, pulling him closer in my own version of a hug before stepping back. “It’s too late for that. I’ve pretty much proven it irrefutably.” I held up a hand when he started to protest. “Stop. I need to go.”

  He glanced at the dark sky and back to me. “New York is a long drive and it’s late.”

  “So, I’ll go as far as Richmond and get a hotel room.” I shrugged. “I drove all the way here from Portland. I promise, I’ll be fine.”

  “What about Stitch?” he asked, and I sighed again.

  “I can’t take a dog that size to New York. The apartment I’m moving into doesn’t have room. Plus, I bought him to protect Cara. And he loves it here.” It was just one more sucky thing to add to the list of shittiness that was my life at the moment.

  “Who’s going to protect you?” Dom asked, and I lifted my eyes back to his.

  “I’m strong. I’ll protect myself,” I said, knowing it wasn’t entirely true. I felt anything but strong these days.

  “Ow, fucker,” I grumbled, rubbing at the spot on my shoulder where Dom had just beamed me with a half-empty water bottle.

  “Stop staring at my girlfriend like that,” he replied, only half-serious. My staring had nothing to do with her pacing the boardwalk in a bikini top and everything to do with the fact that she’d gone outside the store to accept a call from Evie.

  With effort, I pulled my eyes from Cara and turned my back to the window at the front of Brigg’s General Store.

  “You hear from her?” I asked, not bothering with the pretense of casual. Dom knew better anyway.

  He glanced toward the window, checking for Cara, but his hand came out to cup my shoulder. It took everything in me to accept the gesture as supportive even though it felt a lot like pity. When he didn’t answer, I shrugged from his touch and turned to face him. “Fuck the compassionate best friend angle. Just tell me if she’s doing okay.”

  “She’s fine. Christ. The girl she talked to about the apartment helped her get a job so she’s got money coming in again.” He turned and headed back to the counter, irritated. “I hate it when you put me in the middle.”

  I closed my eyes, but it didn’t help. I’d been edgy for weeks and it was only getting worse. I tilted my head, putting my chin near my shoulder as I glanced back in the direction Dom had gone. “I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone. I really wouldn’t. But if you stopped for two seconds and thought about—”

  “No. No, I’m not going to think about it. I’m not going to put myself in your shoes because that’s a place I never want to be. You’re like a brother to me, man. You know that. But Evie is like a sister. In this cycle, she’ll be a sister by marriage. Putting me in the middle is a dick move and you know it. I get that you’re worried, but you know how I feel about her. I’m not going to let anything happen to her. She’s struggling, but she’s trying. You were the one
who walked away from her—”

  “Maybe I’m second-guessing that decision.” It was the first time I admitted it aloud, but not the first time I’d thought it. When Dom didn’t reply, I turned to face him. If it were anyone but him, I don’t think I could’ve said any of it. “I replay that day over and over in my head. I replay all of it actually. I try to convince myself that pushing, that trying a little harder, wouldn’t have worked, but…” I shoved both hands through my hair before locking my fingers, hanging my arms off the back of my neck as the tension I’d been carrying by holding all of this in started to ease. But only slightly.

  “You always do this. If you talk to her, you know what will happen. It’ll only make things worse. You can’t jump in and out of her life. You made your decision,” Dom lectured. I gave myself a moment to press down the frustration before speaking. It wasn’t long enough.

  “You’ve watched Evie and I more times than I can count. Your parents. My parents. Your sister.” I paused, shaking my head and glancing toward the window. Cara was no longer in view from where I stood. “Yet, you still have no idea what you’re in for.”

  “Don’t. Don’t do that shit. Don’t lump me in with you. Cara isn’t anything like Evie.”

  “Yet. Cara isn’t anything like Evie yet. Cara is soft and sweet and you know I adore her. She’s perfect for you and we both know that. It’s how Infinity works. But she’s young. Evie’s not. Even if she doesn’t remember her lives, they each affect her. Maybe that means nothing. Maybe it won’t happen to Cara. Maybe Cara will remember her lives and it’ll make things easier. But maybe she won’t. Maybe, someday in the future, you’ll be staring at the road from my side and you’ll see it’s not always as straight as it looks.”