Peace of Infinity

by Maegan Abel

  “I—” Dom stopped as the loud scraping of the door sounded and we both turned that way. Cara froze in the process of closing the door, her brow furrowing as she looked between us.

  “What’s going on?”

  “Nothing,” I said, glancing to Dom. “I have to go.”

  “Gavin—” Dom started.

  “It’s fine. We’ll talk later,” I said, pausing at the door. “Have a good night.” I leaned down and pressed a kiss to the top of her head before sliding past her and pulling the door closed behind me.

  I thought about what Dom said as I headed back down the boardwalk. She was struggling. She cared, whether she wanted to admit it or not. I’d seen that in her face the day I walked away, of course, but hearing it added to the guilt I already felt about giving up.

  “Gavin,” Cara’s voice hit me just as I heard the sound of her flip flops along the wood. I sighed, pausing until she caught up to me. “Look, Dom told me what you said. I don’t want you to take this the wrong way because I love my sister, but she’s stubborn. I’m sure you probably know that better than I do.”

  When she nudged me with her elbow, I gave her a small smile. “You don’t have to—”

  “No, I do. She misses you. She won’t admit it to Dom, but she’s said it to me. She wants to come back, but she’s afraid. Maybe if you—”

  “I can’t.” I closed my eyes, pressing my thumb and forefinger into them as if I could find relief—as if there was relief from the pain. “I can’t push her. She has to make the decision on her own.”

  I dropped my head when I felt Cara’s hand on my arm. I looked down at her, trying for the life of me not to give in to the anguish. “If you change your mind, I’ll tell you where to find her.”

  It was a tempting offer, but I wasn’t there yet. I couldn’t allow myself to give in, no matter how much I missed her.

  I felt relieved. That’s what I felt. Just relieved. I’d made a plan and followed it to the letter. I was in New York City. I had a place to live. I had a job, no matter how crappy it was. And I no longer had to deal with Gavin, so that was a bonus.

  Nope. Lying to myself wasn’t going to work anymore. I was shocked it had gotten me through the last six weeks.

  “Ev?” Dom’s voice cut through my thoughts and I blinked, bringing myself back to the present.

  “Yeah?” I said into the phone, hating the pain in my voice.

  “She won’t ask you to come home, but I think she needs you to. She doesn’t want to admit it, but the thought of having to see him in court is really bothering her.”

  I sighed, feeling like I was being ripped in two.

  Going back was so tempting. It wasn’t that I didn’t love New York City, the place was everything I’d hoped for…before Gavin. Unfortunately, even now, I was acutely aware of exactly what would happen if I went back.

  “I have work. I’m not sure I can just take off like this without any notice,” I said, realizing it sounded like a weak excuse. Which was exactly what it was. I didn’t care about the job. I was basically a glorified assistant and hated the snooty chick who owned the photography studio.

  On top of it all, the only thing I could feel was a gaping hole inside me that wasn’t healing. Which was ridiculous. I was supposed to be relieved. Being away from Gavin meant I was safe. It meant he was safe. And I wasn’t supposed to be feeling jealousy toward my sister and Dom. I was supposed to be happy for them. But I was scared Cara would lose him any day now, and then what? She’d always been the type to fall in love fast and hard and then be crushed when the guy turned out to be a tool. They were all tools. Every guy she dated. Except Dom.

  And I hated that.

  Because Dom was anything but a tool. He was kind and sweet and the time I’d spent watching him with Cara, both of them so shy at times, was beyond adorable. He was in love with my sister and that meant he was going to be in my life. I knew they spent time with Gavin, though I never asked about him. But a part of me wondered if he asked about me.

  Which was extremely stupid.

  “You’re never going to come back, are you?” He was resigned, but I could hear the pain in his question and hated how much I was hurting him. My decision would inevitably hurt Cara too, but it was the only way. “It won’t be the same without you.”

  “I need you to promise me something,” I whispered, barely able to push the words out through the bowling ball sized lump in my throat.

  “What?” Dom asked, the usual hesitation and skepticism in his voice when I asked him to make a promise or tell me something.

  “I know you can make her happy. You already have. And I know she’s in good hands for the first time in her life. But when the big events happen…” I trailed off, trying to find my strength, “when you two get married, or have babies, or any of those things, help her understand why I can’t be there and remind her I love her most, okay?”

  “Ev…” he started, but choked on his words.

  “No. I mean it. He should be a part of it for you. You’ve always been there for him—”

  “And I’ve always been there for you. Yes, Gavin is my friend, but so are you.”

  Something about him saying that made the hollow feeling expand and I gasped in a breath in an attempt to control it. I hadn’t cried, not even once, and I wasn’t about to start now.

  “I love him,” I said, almost choking on the sob I held back. There was silence from Dom. I couldn’t even be sure he was still on the line, but I continued, unable to stop the outpouring of emotion now that it started. “I don’t know how it happened. Or even when. But I’m miserable as fuck over here. I don’t know that I’ll ever get to a place where I can be okay around him. And I know he doesn’t want to see me either. So, just, please promise me you’ll remind her how much I love her.” My voice was trembling by the end, betraying my fears.

  “Are you even hearing yourself?” Dom asked, sounding frustrated. I scowled at the window across from me as I tried to figure out what had pissed him off. “Jesus, Evangelie, you make no goddamn sense. If you’re in love with him, get your ass back here and tell him that. You want to stop being miserable, you have the power to do that. You could end both of your suffering, but instead, you’re hiding out.”

  “I’m not hiding out. I’m trying to protect him,” I answered, my defensiveness on the rise as Dom sighed into the phone.

  “From what? From you? Because you think you’re cursed?”

  I closed my eyes, gritting my teeth for a second at the flippant way he used my words against me. “You know, you’d think, being his friend and all, you’d want him safe from this shit. If I were to come back and then he died, would you be so forgiving?”

  “Yes,” he answered automatically. “Because he would go happy. You keep looking at death like it’s final, but it’s not the end.” He took a deep breath and his voice was lower when he continued. “I’m done, Ev. I love you and I can’t stand this anymore. You’re either too stubborn or too selfish and I…I just can’t do it.”

  I felt the tear hit my cheek, followed quickly by a second and then a third. “Then I guess the only thing left to say is take care of her.”

  “Ev—” he started, but I ended the call. As soon as I did, the phone in my hand rang again. I didn’t bother rejecting the call, I just powered off the phone and tossed it aside.

  I closed my eyes, thinking back on the night I left and the way Dom held me. I remembered seeing in his eyes that I mattered to him. That he loved me.

  I think part of me really needed to know if that was still true.

  “Shit!” I gasped, my heart pounding as Lynn raised an eyebrow from the couch. “You scared the hell out of me. I thought you’d be asleep.”

  “I was until your drunk ass came up the stairs. Did you leave any liquor at the bar for the other patrons?” she asked, yawning through the last few words.

  I laughed. “I tried not to.” I shut the door, probably harder than necessary, and carefully made my way over to the couch, f
lopping down as the room continued to sway like I was moving. I squeezed my eyes shut in an attempt to stop the dizziness.

  “I don’t know how you do it,” Lynn said, and I slit open one eye to look toward her.

  “Do what?”

  “Get so drunk you can barely function every night and still make it to work every morning.” She shook her head. “It’s not natural.”

  I closed my eyes again, the pain in my chest I tried so hard to bury flaring at her words. “There are a lot worse things than a hangover.” The silence felt heavy, so I forced my eyes open, catching her expression. “What?”

  “Maybe it’s not my place, we don’t know each other that well, but it seems like you’re either horribly sad or drunk. There’s really no in-between.”

  “Your point?” I asked, hating that she could see right through me. I’d lived here nearly six weeks, but I avoided actually being here as much as possible. Lynn was the one who posted the room for rent online, but we had three other roommates in this ridiculously tiny, cracker box apartment. Of course, I’d learned the hard way that New York was an expensive city and the only way I was going to be able to afford rent was with roommates.

  “My point is I think something bad happened to you and instead of dealing with it, you’re drinking yourself into oblivion every night.”

  What could I say to that? It was the truth. I shrugged.

  She waited.

  The silence stretched and I tried to decide if I could make it to the bed in the corner of the should-be dining room.

  I couldn’t.

  She kept waiting.

  After another minute, I found I wanted to talk about him.

  So, I did.

  “Do you believe in soul mates?” I asked quietly. I had to be careful or she would laugh at me, but I needed her to understand this wasn’t just a breakup with some guy.

  “Yeah,” she answered, shifting on the couch. I turned to face her and she pulled her legs up, crossing them under the blanket as she kept her attention on me.

  “I mean, like, an actual spiritual connection,” I explained, watching her for a reaction.

  “Like, one soul that’s split and resides in two bodies? Those two people only feel complete when they’re together? That sort of thing?” she asked.

  “Kind of.”

  She watched me for a moment, considering her response. “I’ve never seen it in person, but I believe it’s possible. I remember when my aunt died, my mom worried so much about my uncle. I heard them talking. I was, like, six or seven, but I remember it.”

  “I have that.”

  Her expression turned confused. “Why does that make you sad?”

  “Because…” I sighed, crossing my arms over my chest as if I could somehow squeeze out the ache that never really went away. “Because, you haven’t seen it in person, but it affected my whole family. My grandparents and parents. They’re all dead. My entire life, I believed this whole concept was the worst thing that could happen to someone, but then I met Gavin. And then I saw my sister meet her soul mate. And then I let mine walk away. No, I made him walk away.” I felt it then, and it was too late to stop it. Or maybe I just didn’t want to anymore.

  In front of a girl I barely knew, I broke down and sobbed.

  “It’s unbelievable,” he whispered, raising a hand and stroking the tip of a finger from my temple to my jaw, his eyes igniting every emotion that bubbled up inside me the moment I saw him. I was burning, quite actually on fire, and I couldn’t even speak. Instead, I nodded slowly, my own fingers trembling, itching to reach out to him. “I didn’t think it was real.” He blinked, shaking his head a little. “I didn’t know it would feel…” I continued watching, waiting for him to finish the sentence.

  I no longer noticed the hard ground beneath me as I had earlier. I no longer cared about my tartan, which had been discarded earlier, along with his kilt. None of that mattered anymore. Nothing else mattered. I reached for his hand when he placed it between us, tracing the line of his palm with my thumb.

  “Are we really doing this?” I asked, my heart nearly beating out of my chest as he studied me.

  “Yes. I want this.” His hand still hovering near my jaw cupped my chin. “I want Infinity and I’m ready if you are.”

  Infinity.

  It was a word our families had used for soul mates, a bonding of two who always found one another, living paired from one life to the next. I’d never imagined it could be so perfect.

  “I love you,” I blurted, tossing my hands up to cover my mouth as my face flamed. I couldn’t believe I’d just said those words aloud to him. It was crazy, but everything about it felt… I almost laughed. I couldn’t even finish the sentence in my head.

  “Is that what this is? Love?” He tilted his head to the side, leaning closer until he was nearly touching my lips. “Doesn’t feel like a strong enough word.” My breath shuddered out, my body tense, waiting and wanting him to close that distance. “I’m not sure there is such a word.”

  With that hanging between us, he leaned in and kissed me. It wasn’t that we’d never kissed, but we’d never kissed like this. This kiss, this was our promise. And I was more than willing to be his. The way my soul smiled whenever I looked at him could only mean this was true. His lips parted and I followed his lead, allowing him to seal our connection forever.

  When he pulled back slightly, I opened my eyes, finding him staring at me with a small smile playing on his lips.

  “Peace,” I said, my voice trembling. His forehead crinkled as he frowned. “It’s the best word I can think of to describe this.”

  “Peace,” he repeated, the smile returning as every emotion I felt reflected back to me from his eyes. He was mine. My other half. The one who made me complete in a way I’d never known was possible.

  I woke with a gasp, my head pounding with every beat of my heart. It took a second to remember where, and when, I was, and as soon as the realization struck, my eyes started burning with tears. They were already sore from the amount of crying I’d done before I fell asleep. Crying. Me. Over a guy.

  Over the guy.

  The dream still lingered and I sniffled as I closed my eyes, allowing myself to relive the moments imprinted on my mind. It was so real. I mean, it was real, of course, but it was like I could remember it perfectly.

  I could feel it.

  The certainty and how easily I made the choice with Gavin.

  The only thing eluding me was the peace. And I had no one to blame for that but myself. I thought back on what Dom said during our phone call. He was so sure that all I had to do was tell Gavin I loved him. How could he possibly know? I was terrified at the thought of putting myself out there. It was so much easier to hide behind my pride than be vulnerable.

  But I couldn’t even convince myself in this moment I meant that. The truth was, I was done with my fucking pride. I was tired of hurting and knowing Gavin was hurting too made it worse. I sat up, tossing back the blankets and spinning to put my feet on the floor. I vaguely noticed the time, it was early, but it didn’t matter. A plan was forming and nothing was going to stop me now.

  I loved the beach at night. It was a relaxing place to run and watch the moon shine off the water while angry rock music pounded in my ears. It was as close to happy as I could get at the moment. I needed to be sleeping after spending all night searching for Shawn, but I couldn’t unwind. The anxiety was eating at me. How he’d managed to set up that escape was still beyond me, but I was determined to find him. I hated that Cara was living in fear again. But I wouldn’t let him anywhere near her. Dom wouldn’t either.

  I glanced at my phone again as the signal sounded for a new voicemail. Clenching my jaw, I told myself not to listen to it the same way I’d told myself not to answer when she called. But she called. It had been almost two months and she called. With a sigh, I snatched the phone out the case and hit the icon for my voicemail, putting it to my ear to listen as I dropped onto my ass in the sand.

 
“It’s me.” Just her voice was a punch to the chest. I took a breath, noting every small change in the sound as she spoke. “Look, I’ve had a lot on my mind and I really need someone to talk to. I probably shouldn’t have called you out of the blue like this, but…” She sounded as bad as I felt and I hated that. She was struggling and I couldn’t help but feel a little encouraged by that and the fact that she hadn’t broken our cycle. Living like this sucked, but it was nowhere near as bad as the feeling of being completely adrift that came when we were severed. That feeling was the worst. There was a sigh through the phone. “Cara didn’t answer and I drove all the way back here because…well, because I missed you and didn’t realize just how much until I heard your voice on your message.” It took a second for me to register her words. She’d driven back? “I don’t know how to say this…I don’t know what I’m doing anymore—”

  I was already on my feet before her words cut off, ready to go to her. I heard a clatter and rustling, followed by what sounded like a cry that ended too quickly. I paused, trying to listen over the sound of the waves, but I couldn’t make anything out. That was the end of the message.

  Then the full force of it hit, nearly knocking me back a step.

  Something was wrong.

  I ran to make it back up the beach to my car, but I was at least ten minutes from Cara’s house. I tried Dom’s phone, but didn’t get an answer.

  “Fuck,” I snapped, tossing my phone into the passenger seat the second I climbed in the car. I hit the gas, heading toward the house. I thought about calling the station, but I had no idea what was going on at this point and couldn’t call in a crime if one hadn’t happened.

  But something had happened. I could feel it. The pull to get to her was there. She needed me.