“Are both of your parents still living?”
“Yes. They’re in Illinois. I’m going to see them for Thanksgiving.”
“Well, that will be nice. Do whatever you need to help you through this, honey. I know I will if Stanley goes before I do.”
“Thank you, Patsy. And thanks for your prayers. I know they’re making a difference.”
Once Patsy had stepped away, Linda took her arm like she couldn’t wait another second to hear a few more details.
“How was your day?”
Sarah answered honestly. “It was really nice.”
“You spent the whole day with him?”
“Yes.” She smiled. “He’s a really good man, Linda. I can’t believe this is happening.”
“What’s happening?” she asked, seeming to hope for something specific.
“I’m not sure exactly, but we’re planning to see each other more. I think he’s why God wanted me here.”
Linda smiled. “I think it’s wonderful, Sarah. Andrew is a good man. Don’t be ashamed of what you feel for him.”
***
When Andrew finished talking with his daughters, he got out of the car with a smile on his face and a lightness in his step. Not only had his day with Sarah been absolutely perfect, but he’d heard the news from Gracie herself about her and James, and she sounded pretty excited about it--as excited as Gracie got about anything. He had been praying about that for a long time. Not necessarily for Gracie and James to get together, but that Grace would find someone to share her life with. He was grateful for all she had done to help him and her younger siblings go on without Annika, but she had sacrificed so much and seemed to have lost the dreams of having her own life.
If it had happened at any other time, he might not feel as optimistic as he did, but there was something very Jesus-led about this week with him being here and meeting Sarah, and Gracie being there when tragedy had shaken James’ week. If he would have been there, he would have been the one to go to the hospital, not Gracie.
One of the things Andrew had learned during the last five years was there were always two sides to every tragedy or difficult circumstance. There was the pain and the grief and the unanswered questions, and there was the hope and the joy and the purpose and the peace that could come when it didn’t feel like they belonged.
Going into the auditorium, he spotted Sarah near the same area they had been sitting with Linda and George on Monday night, and he didn’t hesitate to go meet them, but he did sit beside George rather than Sarah. It was a good two hours of worship and listening to a lot of pastors sharing about what God had been doing in their midst over the last year. Five years ago Andrew would have been envious about hearing so many success stories when he felt so ordinary and fruitless in comparison, but he didn’t feel that way now, and it had nothing to do with his own positive numbers or successful programs.
It was about joy. He had it like never before. He loved being a pastor. He loved his work. He loved his God. He had learned to delight in Him and enjoy Him like never before, and if he had five people there on Sunday mornings or five hundred, no matter. Jesus was doing His thing, and he was happy to be a part of it.
Andrew gained some good perspective from those who spoke, and he was glad they had come tonight. Sarah had been worried others would catch on something was going on between them, but he didn’t see how that could be the case. Others would be understanding of Sarah not being at all the meetings, and he hadn’t been here for five years, so his absence last night and today had likely gone unnoticed.
He knew they had nothing to be ashamed of, but he also knew Sarah had a sensitive heart and she was concerned with what others thought of her. He didn’t quite understand it yet, but he hoped to help her in that. He’d met a lot of pastor’s wives over the years, and in his opinion she was one of the sweetest and most respectable ones he’d ever met, and that wasn’t because he was falling for her--that’s why he was falling for her.
He told Sarah he would meet her at the car afterwards, and they each did their own mingling as they left the auditorium and headed for the outside doors. He saw Colton and Rachel, the youth pastor and his wife who had been at their table on the first two days, and he talked with them for a few minutes. Andrew encouraged the young pastor to keep pressing on through some difficulties in ministry he was currently facing, saying he’d been there and had seen God work in some of the most amazing and unpredictable ways during those times. And he gave him some final words he hoped Colton would take to heart.
“Enjoy your God, my friend. If you do that, everything will be just fine.”
***
Annika opened the door of her cottage and saw Monique. She invited her inside, and they exchanged a warm embrace. It had been more than a year since Monique had first come to Paradise, and it had been one of those Arrivals that left Annika wondering why she had been invited.
Monique had been a member of Andrew’s congregation, she had learned later when she had a chance to meet with her earlier this month, and her daughter and Tabby were friends too. After a two-year battle with cancer, Monique had turned to the only source of hope she had left: Joshua. She had been running from Him for a long time, ignoring the opportunities He gave her to come back to Him, but she finally came to the end of herself, knowing death was imminent and she would be leaving behind her beloved husband and children.
She had only attended the church for a short time but met with Andrew on several occasions as she sorted through her past mistakes, pain, and the reality of facing her death. By the time that day came, she had peace about it, and her time with Joshua now couldn’t be more sweet. She had allowed Him to heal her wounded heart and had truly discovered the reality of His never-ending, all-consuming, unconditional love.
Annika wasn’t sure why she was coming to visit her today, but she had known about it since receiving her morning mail. Leading Monique onto the back patio where she had already set out some fresh lemonade, scones, and Joshua’s latest fruit everyone was raving about, Annika didn’t have to wait long to find out why Monique was here and why she had met her earlier this month.
“My son is here,” Monique said. “Hunter. He arrived yesterday. Joshua said you were at his Homecoming.”
“Yes,” Annika said. “He’s fourteen, right?”
“Yes, and he attended Andrew’s church too.”
“Where is he now?”
“Exploring. He wanted Joshua to give him the full tour.”
Annika smiled. She had been the same way when she first got here. “How’s your family?”
“Sierra’s okay. Tabby is being a perfect friend right now. You should be very proud of her.”
“And Jess?”
“Not so good. But Joshua is going to be changing that, I’m sure. He promised me.”
“I know He will. Did you want to meet with me today, or was this Joshua’s idea?”
“I did. I said I needed to talk to someone who had left her husband behind but had seen Him be so faithful. He gave me your name.”
“He has been, Monique. To my husband and my children. Keep believing Joshua will reach Jess’ heart and help both him and Sierra to thrive, because He will. He never gives up on anyone, least of all those we love. I’m sure the reasons for Hunter being here are endless.”
Chapter Eleven
It didn’t take Sarah a long time to get outside. Most of the people who had expressed their sympathy for her loss on the first couple of days, now seemed content to give her a smile and a nod, and she was fine with that. If she hadn’t had such a wonderful day with Andrew, it would have crushed her to the point of a million tears on her pillow tonight, but right now all she could think about was seeing him again, which carried her through the long walk amongst the crowd to the outside doors.
Linda and George were staying for the quartet that was singing and some other things going on in the dining room, so she had parted from them and said they should be seeing her tomorrow. A brunch was sc
heduled for ten o’clock, followed by a closing time of praise and worship before the conference officially ended, and she and Andrew had already talked about attending both of those elements.
Stepping outside, she felt anxious to see Andrew but walked right into a small crowd of people who were heading back to the hotel, and Gloria and Richard Sherman were among them. She had only seen Gloria right before the meeting earlier, and she hadn’t talked to Richard at all, so he was happy to finally see her and say what most people said.
“Levi was a good man. It’s a shame he had to go. I’m sure your church must be beside themselves to know what to do without him.”
“Yes,” she said. “They’ve just started looking for someone to replace him this month.”
“Oh, you can’t replace a man like Levi. They’ll try, I’m sure. But it can’t be done. I feel sorry for the poor fella’ already,” he said with a chuckle. “But our prayers will be with you all up there.”
“Thank you.” I think. “It was good seeing you both. I hope you have a nice trip home tomorrow.”
“Are you going to the hotel?” Gloria asked. “You can walk with us.”
“No, I’m staying somewhere else. I have a car this way,” she said, starting to back away toward the parking area.
“Land sake’s, Sarah!” Gloria exclaimed with a laugh. “Why would you do a thing like that? You and Levi always stayed at the Holiday.”
“Yes, I know,” she said, giving her a smile even though she felt like bursting into tears. “I um, I just decided to stay somewhere else this time, and then it was a little farther from the church than I realized, so I--I had to have a car to get around in.”
“Oh, Sarah,” Gloria laughed, making her feel an inch high. “I was shocked to even see you here without Levi. That Linda sure is an arm-twister, isn’t she? Don’t let her talk you into it next time, dear. We would all understand if you just stayed home since Levi isn’t here anymore.”
Sarah had no idea how she managed to smile, but she did and then after a cordial good-night to them both, she turned away. By the time she got to the car, she tried to shut down her tears, not wanting to have to explain them to Andrew or spoil their final hours together. But her effort was in vain because Andrew noticed her inner pain as soon as she didn’t return his warm smile.
“Hey,” he said, pulling her against his shoulder. “What happened?”
She burst into tears and cried for a long time, but in a more normal way than she had last night. Andrew held her gently and didn’t force her to talk until she had half a chance of speaking in coherent sentences. She didn’t know how to describe to him the way she felt and why it all hurt so much. One minute she was missing Levi terribly, and the next she was feeling resentful for all of the years she had lived in his shadow. Without him, she was completely insignificant and worthless.
“Did someone find out about us and say something to you?” he asked.
“No,” she said, wishing that was it. At least then she would be getting some attention instead of only being worthy of plastic smiles and kind words that weren’t about her anyway, just Levi.
Andrew kissed her forehead and brushed her hair with his fingers. “Talk to me, Sarah.” It was a command, not an invitation.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“What happened?”
“Nothing, it’s just--”
Andrew gave her some time to answer, but she didn’t take it. “It’s just what?” he prompted her, kissing her gently on the temple and rubbing her back.
She let out the words consuming her thoughts. “I don’t matter, Andrew. I’m nobody without Levi.”
“That’s not true, Sarah.”
He said it with certainty and conviction, but she wasn’t buying it. He didn’t know how much Levi had done. How many people’s lives he had touched. How many people adored him, including her. The church had suffered a great loss. She had suffered a great loss. Her life was meaningless without him. Her purpose in life had been to be his wife, and without Levi, she had no purpose. No reason to be here. No reason to be at her church each Sunday. No reason to keep living.
“I should have gone before him,” she said. “God should have taken me instead and left Levi here to--”
“Stop, Sarah,” Andrew said. “I want to marry you, not Levi.”
His words shocked her, scared her, and made her laugh all at the same time. They shocked her because it was the second time today he had mentioned marriage, and they scared her because she wasn’t sure she wanted to be a pastor’s wife again. She wasn’t cut out for it.
But mostly they made her laugh because that’s what Andrew did. He flooded her heart with joy every time they were together. Levi had done the same thing. Even in the difficult times, he could always make her laugh.
“That’s the last time I ever want to hear you say that,” Andrew said seriously. “God doesn’t make mistakes, Sarah.”
“Did you ever feel so lost without Annika you wanted to die?”
“Yes. Many times.”
“How did you go on?”
“Mostly because I had to. I had a lot of people depending on me, and I rose to the challenge, but it took me awhile to figure out they all could have survived without me, but I couldn’t survive without Jesus. It’s not about you needing Levi or Levi needing you, it’s about you needing God, Sarah. He wants you to see how much you need Him and how greatly He can meet your needs. He’s been doing it your whole life, you need to trust Him to keep doing it.”
Sarah found peace in Andrew’s words. She felt the same as when he talked with her this afternoon about learning to enjoy God, and she knew the two were connected without having to ask.
“Will you help me see that, Andrew?”
“Yes.”
She was thinking more on a long-term basis, but Andrew didn’t waste any time.
“Think for a minute, Sarah. How have you seen it in the last three months? How has God met your needs? Have you gone hungry yet? Have you been completely starved of love and affection? Have you had any joy at all?”
She thought mostly of her son and daughter and their families. She had been thankful many times they both lived close by. Her grandson had become even more of a joy to her on the day of Levi’s funeral than the day he was born. And Jamison, her son-in-law, had been a blessing to her also as he joined their family officially last month.
She also thought of some friends and people in the church who were making sure her needs were met. No she hadn’t gone hungry; The church had decided to keep paying her Levi’s regular salary until a new pastor was hired, and she also had the life-insurance money for when that time came.
She shared all of that with Andrew, and she felt better, but her emotional needs were more of a factor than financial ones. And the support was there, but sometimes she worried once her loss of Levi began to fade from the minds of others, she would be forgotten about also. She was still the pastor’s wife, but what would happen when a new pastor was hired? Would others still see her? She often hated her role, but it was part of her significance. It made her feel needed and important.
But Andrew said something to give her peace about the future and the greatest sense God was very much at work to meet her needs now and for years to come. If she had the courage to believe it.
“I’m here for you too, Sarah. God led me to you.” Placing his fingers under her chin, Andrew lifted her face toward his. “Do you believe that?”
She whispered her response. “Yes.”
“Do you believe it enough to let me kiss you right now?”
His words made her heart race. If she wasn’t going home tomorrow with no idea when she might see him again, she would ask him to wait on that. But she needed to know this was real between them. Today hadn’t been a fantasy. Andrew wasn’t just saying nice-sounding words. She already knew he hadn’t been with anyone else since Annika had passed away, not even a single date or a desire for that. And yet he was offering her a sign of commitment h
e could love again, and she knew he wouldn’t take it lightly.
“Only if you really want to,” she said. “Only if I’m going to see you again.”
His eyes danced, and he smiled. “Yes to both of those,” he laughed, moving the few inches necessary to meet her lips with his. The intensity of his nearness and the gentleness of his touch instantly transported her into another lifetime. Levi had been her one and only, and she had loved him very much. But God was opening another chapter of her life--like the sequel to a bestseller.
“I’ve been wanting to do that all day,” he said, stroking her cheek and smiling like he didn’t regret it in the least.
She smiled. “You have?”
“Yes, Sarah. I am so attracted to you. You stole my heart the first night we were here.”
He kissed her again, and she didn’t regret giving him permission to do this. Levi had been a good kisser. Always gentle, sweet, and loving. And Andrew kissed her in a similar way and yet different enough for her to know it wasn’t Levi. She wasn’t surprised Andrew’s kiss felt nice and gave her some assurance he truly cared for her, but she was a little surprised he lingered to the point she felt desirable to him.
Driving back to the hotel then, Andrew waited in the lobby for her while she went to change into some suitable clothing for another walk. She wore her jeans again because they were warmer than the khaki pants she had been wearing earlier today. When she met Andrew in the lobby, he seemed to be admiring her physical appearance more than she had seen him do thus far. It was a strange feeling to be looked at by another man besides Levi, just like being kissed by Andrew, but she didn’t feel ashamed of any of it.
He walked with his arm around her waist on the way to the café, and that gave her a schoolgirl-like feeling. Andrew had an adolescent quality to him. An innocent nature she knew she could take at face-value. He wasn’t trying to seduce her or charm his way into this. He was simply being himself, and he wasn’t afraid to let her know how he felt about being with her.
October Joy (Moments In Paradise 1) Page 9
