Monsterbook: Snotgobble and the Bogey Bully

by Michael Broad

  ‘It also said they always work alone,’ said Urk, waving the notice in the air. ‘Which means Snotgobble must need a mum for something really important. And if we can find out what that is …’

  ‘Parents’ evening!’ gasped Will. ‘My school has been holding parents’ evenings all this week! My year had theirs yesterday, so the Goopsnottle must be having his tomorrow!’

  ‘Even better!’ said Urk, stopping for a moment to explain his plan of action. ‘If I volunteer to go along as his mum, all we have to do is think of a way to get the bogey bully thrown out of school!’

  ‘Sounds simple enough,’ Will frowned.

  ‘That’s because it is,’ said Urk. ‘What could possibly go wrong?’

  When the pair caught up with Moop he was pulling out a tall fleshblob suit with a shock of frizzy orange hair. Will and Urk eyed the freckled Mumsy up and down and exchanged confused glances.

  ‘Er, isn’t she missing something?’ said Urk, frowning at the empty space below the dress where the legs should have been.

  ‘You’re not tall enough for an adult all-in-one,’ scoffed Moop, reaching into a large barrel containing legs on sticks and pulling out a matching pair. ‘So you’ll have to use leg-stilts.’

  Urk and Will took the suit to the checkout where the young monster charged it to his parents’ Monster Mall account, and then registered his fleshblob identity.

  Registration included a photo ID with Urk and the Mumsy, and a leaflet called ‘You and Your Fleshblob Suit’, which Urk slipped into the Monsterbook.

  5

  Wonky Woods and Creepy Caves

  Urk and Will left Monster Mall with the top half of a Mumsy suit and two rubber legs and headed straight for the Creepy Caves where Snotgobble lived. The young monster knew a short cut through the Wonky Woods, so the pair had spent the past half-hour clambering through an eerie landscape of crooked stems.

  ‘Did you hear that?’ asked Urk, peering back through the misty gloom.

  ‘Hear what?’ asked Will, gripping the leg-stilts to use as a weapon.

  ‘I thought I heard fungus being squashed behind us,’ said Urk.

  Will had been jumpy all the way through the peculiar little wood and was relieved when he saw light up ahead and the fungus finally beginning to thin out. Then the pair both heard a very loud squelch in the distance and ran the rest of the way.

  ‘Can you even walk on stilts?’ asked Will as they hurried into the open.

  ‘I think we’re about to find out,’ said Urk, and nodded ahead.

  Creepy Cave Mountain rose out of the ground like a giant termite mound with zigzagging steps leading to large entrance holes. But standing in the way of that was a narrow brown lake.

  ‘What is it?’ asked Will, thinking the water looked a bit odd.

  ‘It’s a worm lake,’ said Urk.

  ‘The lake has worms in it?’ asked Will, stepping up to the bank.

  ‘No, the lake is made of worms,’ warned Urk. ‘I wouldn’t get too close.’

  ‘Oh, I don’t mind worms,’ Will shrugged, and then quickly jumped back when one of the creatures popped its head out from the squirming mass and snapped at his ankles.

  ‘Those are Nibble Worms, which means they have teeth,’ said Urk. ‘They’ve eaten every bridge that’s ever been built over them, so the only way we’re going to get across is on the stilts.’

  Urk sat on the bank of the worm lake out of nibble range and tucked the folded Mumsy suit into his rucksack. Then Will fastened the straps of the leg-stilts to the monster’s hooves and helped him stand upright.

  Urk was now twice the height of his friend and looked very peculiar as he took a few practice strides up and down the bank, occasionally grabbing a nearby fungus tree to steady himself.

  Once satisfied that they were not about to become worm lunch, the pair approached the lake.

  ‘I’ll get in first,’ said Urk, holding on to Will’s head for support as he swayed back and forth. ‘That way I’ll sink low enough for you to jump on my shoulders, but hopefully not low enough to get nibbled.’

  ‘Then what?’ asked Will.

  ‘Then we walk to the other side,’ said Urk.

  Will steadied the young monster as he plunged his lady legs into the lake, and was relieved when the wriggling worms only came up to the rubber knees. Then he leapt on to Urk’s back and the pair shrieked when they sank further down.

  ‘Hold on tight!’ said Urk, moving away from the bank with energetic strides.

  Will held on tight by hooking one of his forks under the strap of the rucksack, and used the other fork to fend off the more gymnastic worms that took to the air, snapping their jaws aggressively.

  ‘Can you remind me why we chose the short cut again?’ asked Will, flicking off a small worm that had harpooned itself on to the end of his fork.

  ‘Because we don’t want anyone else taking the mum job,’ Urk grunted, ploughing on through the squirming depths. ‘We have to get there first. Although I confess I didn’t realize the lake was quite so deep!’ he added as the worm level crept up his rubber thighs.

  ‘Well, it’s too late now,’ said Will.

  ‘What do you mean?’ Urk gasped.

  ‘We’re more than halfway across!’ said Will, glancing over his shoulder.

  When Urk looked back and saw how far they’d come, he focused on the last few metres ahead and waded forward with all his might. The worm lake was only narrow, but it took all of his strength to finish the final bit.

  As they reached the other side, Will leapt on to the bank and pulled Urk out after him. The young monster frowned at the state of his stilts as he unfastened the straps. The stockings were peppered with little bite holes and the shoes looked as though they’d run a marathon.

  ‘Phew!’ said Urk.

  ‘Phew!’ said Will.

  Once they caught their breath, Urk and Will made their way up the Creepy Cave Mountain steps and quickly found the entrance that led to grottos numbered ten to fifteen. Snotgobble lived in grotto thirteen, and the pair hoped the number would only turn out to be unlucky for the Goopsnottle.

  Moving through the dark, damp tunnel, Urk kept stopping to look back the way they’d come. As with the Wonky Woods, the young monster had a terrible feeling they were not alone.

  ‘Did you hear that?’ he asked.

  ‘What?’ asked Will.

  ‘I thought I heard footsteps behind us,’ Urk frowned.

  ‘It could just be an echo,’ said Will.

  ‘I hope not!’ gasped Urk, and carried on walking.

  The Creepy Caves certainly lived up to their name, with dripping walls, sinister corners and Things scuttling about underfoot.

  Urk kept his head low and looked out for low-flying Echoflappers, while Will looked out for anything else that might be lurking in the darkness.

  The pair were surprisingly relieved when they arrived at number thirteen.

  ‘You’d better let me do all the talking,’ said Urk, pulling out the Mumsy suit and draping it over his arm. ‘There’s a chance he could recognize your voice from the playground.’

  ‘Fine by me,’ said Will.

  Urk nodded, took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

  6

  Snotgobble

  Caves are pretty sturdy places to live, being made entirely of solid rock. So it was not a good sign when the floor began to quake with stomping footsteps approaching from inside. Urk and Will immediately leapt back as the large door flew open.

  ‘WHY DID YOU WAKE ME?’ roared Snotgobble, filling the space where the door had been. ‘I’LL SQUASH YOU INTO … INTO …’ The Goopsnottle scratched his head while he tried to think of something suitably squashy. Snot would have been the obvious choice – but the monster was clearly still half asleep.

  Urk and Will looked at each other as the awkward silence stretched out, then Urk quickly pulled out the ‘WANTED’ notice and waved it in the air like a white flag of surrender.

  ‘Er, Mr Snotgobble?
’ he said meekly. ‘I would like to be your Mumsy!’

  The Goopsnottle’s drowsy gaze drifted from the ceiling and rested on the visitors, at which point Urk unfolded the fleshblob suit and Will waved the leg-stilts.

  Snotgobble’s frown deepened as this new information dribbled into his sleepy brain, then he stomped back into the cave scratching his bottom. He left the door open, which Urk and Will took as an invitation to follow.

  The inside of Snotgobble’s cave was very similar to the outside, with dripping walls, sinister corners and Things scuttling about underfoot. One side of the cave was obviously the bedroom, because there was something brown and bed-shaped dumped in the corner. The other side had a wall of cupboards stuffed with crisps, biscuits and chocolate bars stolen from the playground.

  Will looked around and saw a limp Terrible Tyler suit hanging on the back of the door, and on the floor beside it was a large tub of Toad Fat.

  The fleshblob suit was half the size of the Goopsnottle and the boy had a horrible image of the greased monster squidging himself into the suit.

  ‘I’m currently running a very successful school bullying scam,’ said Snotgobble, swinging his trunk in the direction of the food store. He snatched a bag of crisps from the shelf, ripped it open and tipped the contents into his mouth. ‘And I need a mother for parents’ evening tomorrow, to make sure my cover isn’t blown.’

  ‘I’m your monster!’ Urk said confidently, holding up the Mumsy suit.

  ‘Well, you’re the only one who responded to my notice,’ sniffed the monster, eyeing the suit with disgust and twanging the end of its rubber nose. ‘So I suppose you’ll have to do.’

  ‘Wonderful!’ said Urk. ‘What’s the plan?’

  ‘We will meet at six o’clock tomorrow evening,’ said Snotgobble, still chomping noisily on the crisps. ‘You’ll take me to see my teachers and pretend to care about whatever stupid things they say. Tell them what a little angel I am and make a big fuss of me. Is that understood?’

  ‘You’re my little angel,’ said Urk. ‘Got it.’

  ‘Everything must go smoothly,’ warned the monster. ‘I don’t want any hiccups!’

  ‘No hiccups,’ said Urk, and watched nervously as he moved over to Will.

  ‘And who’s this little rag?’ sneered Snotgobble, showering Will with crisp crumbs as he loomed over him. ‘The school only requires one parent to attend. I’m not paying for a dad as well!’

  The boy peered up at the Goopsnottle and swallowed hard beneath his disguise.

  ‘Er, this is my personal assistant!’ Urk said quickly, remembering that he’d told Will not to speak. ‘He carries my legs around and stuff like that. I will split my fee with him, of course.’

  ‘On the subject of your fee,’ said Snotgobble, moving back to the shelf and gathering a small selection of goodies. ‘I’m willing to pay one pack of Lumpy Bix, two chocolate Yummy bars and a bag of Cheezy Loo Loos.’

  Urk considered haggling for a few extra Yummy bars, because they were his favourite fleshblob snack, but decided not to push his luck. ‘That will be acceptable,’ he said as the Goopsnottle dumped the food into Will’s arms.

  Snotgobble was about to speak again when the boy began making grunting noises that he hoped sounded like a disapproving Jub Jub. Urk looked over and saw his friend prodding the Lumpy Bix and Yummy bars with a fork.

  ‘Er, we appear to be missing a bag of Cheezy Loo Loos,’ said Urk, gathering the biscuits and chocolate bars from Will, who was barely managing to hold the leg-stilts in his forks.

  ‘You’ll get those when the job is done and I’m satisfied with your work,’ said Snotgobble, grabbing a bag of Cheezy Loo Loos with his trunk and dropping it into his school bag. ‘Wait for me outside the school gates at six, and don’t be late.’

  ‘Six o’clock, St Margaret’s Elementary School,’ Urk confirmed, and nodded in an official manner. ‘I’ll be the one with the frizzy orange hair,’ he added, patting the head of his fleshblob suit.

  The Goopsnottle grunted and made his way back towards the bedroom area of his cave, which seemed to mark the end of the meeting. Urk and Will exchanged shrugs and then hurried for the door.

  The pair only made it halfway across the murky cave when the floor began to quake again as Snotgobble suddenly barged past them. He slammed the door shut and blocked the exit further by pressing his bulk against the wood.

  ‘How did you know which school it was?’ he growled, picking a large bogey from the end of his trunk and rolling it around his fingers in a threatening manner. ‘I don’t remember mentioning that it was St Margaret’s Elementary.’

  Urk and Will froze like startled rabbits.

  ‘Well?’ said Snotgobble, adding more bogeys to the rapidly growing ball.

  Will glanced around for another exit and his gaze fell on the rubber Terrible Tyler head peeping over the Goopsnottle’s shoulder. He casually leaned closer to Urk and whispered something in his ear.

  The young monster glanced up and then addressed the Goopsnottle.

  ‘I’ve done a lot of Mumsy work, as you can see by the state of my lady legs,’ Urk explained, waving a hand at the tatty stilts. ‘I know all the schools in the area and saw your fleshblob suit was wearing a St Margaret’s Elementary School scarf.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Snotgobble, and popped the bogey ball into his mouth.

  ‘Six o’clock, then?’ said Urk, tapping his hoof impatiently.

  ‘Six o’clock,’ grumbled the monster, stepping aside and opening the door.

  Urk and Will held their breath as they stepped casually out of the cave and gasped with relief when the door finally closed behind them. Then they legged it as fast as they could out of the Creepy Caves.

  7

  The Labyrinth of Peril

  ‘I don’t think the legs will survive another trip across the worm lake,’ said Urk as they reached the base of the Creepy Cave Mountain. ‘And we’re in no hurry, so we might as well take the long way back.’

  ‘Sounds good to me,’ said Will, with obvious relief. ‘So how do we get back?’

  ‘Through THE LABYRINTH OF PERIL!’ Urk roared dramatically.

  ‘What?’ Will gasped. ‘That sounds even worse than the worm lake!’

  ‘I know,’ laughed Urk. ‘The name is a bit misleading.’

  ‘So it’s not a perilous labyrinth?’ asked Will.

  Urk paused for a moment, pulled out the Monsterbook and flicked to the ‘Horrible History’ section. When he’d found the page he was looking for he passed the book to Will.

  By the time Will had finished reading the tale of Earwax Beryl, the pair had arrived at the Labyrinth of Peril. The entrance loomed above them like a grisly orange fortress.

  ‘I think that’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen,’ Will gasped.

  ‘Thanks,’ said Urk, and led him through the archway.

  As they wandered down the knobbly orange walls, passing knobbly orange sculptures, Will had to admit that the Labyrinth of Peril was pretty amazing. It also seemed to go on forever!

  The boy was wondering if a sculpture of a knobbly orange lump was the same sculpture of a knobbly orange lump they’d passed a few minutes ago, when Urk suddenly stopped and grabbed his arm.

  ‘What’s up?’ asked Will.

  ‘Shhh!’ whispered Urk, tilting his head.

  A very faint stomping sound could be heard in the distance, pausing at regular intervals as the unknown creature chose different paths through the maze, and growing louder with every twist and turn.

  ‘Something is definitely following us!’ Urk whispered. ‘It tracked us through the Wonky Woods, it was lurking close behind us in the Creepy Caves, and now it’s followed us here!’

  ‘And I think it’s gaining!’ said Will as the waxy walls began to tremble.

  Urk and Will ran through the labyrinth as fast as their legs would carry them, with the young monster yelling directions whenever they reached a junction. But no matter how fast they ran, the stomping
footfalls were never far behind, and the earwax lumps tumbling from the walls told them it was something big.

  ‘Up ahead!’ yelled Urk, spotting a tall archway similar to the entrance. ‘That has to be the exit!’

  The pair charged down the orange passageway with all their might and leapt through the arch, but instead of leaping out of the labyrinth, they leapt into the enormous knobbly fountain at its centre.

  Fortunately the liquid earwax that once flowed from the fountain had long since hardened into a peculiar waxy bloom.

  Unfortunately, a large shadow was now looming over them.

  ‘Caught you!’ it chuckled. ‘You little Goo Goo bugs!’

  ‘Miffni!’ Urk and Will gasped together.

  ‘That’s my name,’ she sneered. ‘Don’t wear it out.’

  As the pair clambered out of the fountain they were only slightly relieved to discover their mysterious stalker was Miffni, Urk’s massive little sister. Will had met her before and knew she was a worse bully than Terrible Tyler!

  ‘What are you doing here?’ Urk demanded, brushing earwax crumbs from his fur.

  ‘I still think you’re up to something,’ Miffni said flatly. ‘So when Mum said you were going off to buy a fleshblob suit, I decided to wait outside the Monster Mall and follow you!’

  ‘But you’ve already got me taken off nightly scare training!’ said Urk.

  ‘That was just for starters!’ snapped Miffni. She snatched the pack of Lumpy Bix from her brother’s rucksack and waved it at him. ‘Now I’ve got proof that you’re wandering around Monsterland scoffing stolen snacks with your silly friend.’