Monsterbook: Snotgobble and the Bogey Bully

by Michael Broad

  ‘For your information I just got a job with a very nasty Goopsnottle!’ said Urk, pulling out Snotgobble’s notice and handing it to his sister. ‘And he’s paying me in fleshblob snacks.’

  ‘That’s what you were doing at the Creepy Caves?’ said Miffni, clearly disappointed after reading the notice. ‘And he’s actually paying you to pretend to be his mum?’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Urk, waving his new fleshblob suit ID card at her. ‘I think Mum and Dad will be very pleased.’

  Miffni screwed up her face while she tried to think of something else to accuse him of. Then her gaze fell on Will, who was standing behind her brother fiddling nervously with his forks.

  ‘Why were you explaining monster things to the Jub Jub?’ Miffni said slowly. ‘I saw you take out your Monsterbook a few times. You explained the worm lake, which is ancient history, and you had to tell him about the Labyrinth of Peril, which is really famous …’

  ‘Willijub is from the Outer Regions,’ Urk interrupted. ‘He’s still learning stuff.’

  ‘Even monsters from the Outer Regions know about worm lakes,’ said Miffni.

  ‘Er, he’s also a bit stupid,’ Urk added, and gave Will a nudge.

  ‘Duh?’ said Will and scratched his head with a fork. This was quickly followed by a very loud ‘OUCH!’ as the fork accidentally jabbed his ear. Luckily this made the display of stupidity even more convincing.

  ‘Oh, you’re both stupid,’ sneered Miffni, pulling open the packet of biscuits and stuffing half the contents in her mouth. ‘But thanks for the free snacks,’ she sneered and then stormed back through the labyrinth.

  ‘That was close!’ Urk whispered, dusting off the fleshblob suit.

  ‘Too close,’ said Will, pulling the leg-stilts out of the fountain.

  ‘Though it’s not like Miffni to give up so quickly,’ Urk frowned.

  ‘Then we’d better keep an eye open for her,’ said Will as they headed away.

  8

  The Snot Plot

  Urk and Will quickly found their way out of the maze and headed back through the Monsterland tunnels, making sure not to discuss anything regarding the bogey bully and keeping a constant lookout for lurking sisters.

  While he was looking out for a lurking Miffni, Will saw lots of other lurking monsters that he’d never noticed before in Monsterland. And with the help of the Monsterbook, Urk explained about a mysterious group of monsters known as Lurkers.

  Halfway down the Highland Road tunnel the pair stopped at a shadowy rectangle with ‘33’ scratched in the mud and looked around for Miffni.

  Once certain that the coast was clear they shuffled through the hidden doorway into Will’s wardrobe and out the other side.

  Safely back in his room, Will took off the Jub Jub disguise and kicked off his muddy trainers. Then he helped Urk hang the Mumsy suit on the wardrobe door and propped the leg-stilts against the wall.

  ‘So, what do we do now?’ asked Will, realizing they still didn’t have a plan.

  ‘The first and most important thing we have to do,’ said Urk, rummaging in his rucksack, ‘is to eat a Yummy bar!’ He handed Will one of the chocolate bars the Goopsnottle had given him.

  ‘That’s a very good idea,’ said Will, tearing open the wrapper. ‘Then what?’

  ‘Then we have to decide on the best way to deal with Snotgobble at parents’ evening,’ said Urk, chomping through the chocolate at monster speed. ‘A clever plot to bring about the downfall of the bogey bully!’

  ‘A Snot Plot!’ said Will, thinking a snappy name would be a good start.

  Urk nodded and pulled the Monsterbook from his rucksack. The book contained everything a monster needs to know about other monsters, and he felt certain the answer was somewhere within its grisly pages.

  ‘It should be easy to get him kicked out,’ said Will, finishing off his last chunk of Yummy bar. ‘Especially with you playing the part of his mum; you could just pull him out of school.’

  ‘That would work,’ said Urk. ‘But then he’d just move on to another school.’

  ‘That’s true,’ said Will, who wanted the bogey bully gone, but not if he was bullying some other bunch of kids. ‘So we also have to make sure he can’t start up somewhere else?’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Urk, drumming his fingers on the Monsterbook cover.

  ‘What if we stole the suit?’ suggested Will.

  ‘That would rid us of Terrible Tyler,’ said Urk. ‘But Snotgobble could just report it missing and register a new fleshblob identity. A Rotten Richard or a Dreadful Daniel, and then we wouldn’t know who to look out for.’

  ‘Why do you have to register fleshblob identities anyway?’ asked Will, who had wondered about Urk having his photo taken when he bought the Mumsy. ‘It seems a bit strict, all that fuss for a rubber costume.’

  ‘Oh, there are lots of rules and regulations with fleshblob suits and daytime scaring,’ Urk explained. ‘Most of it is there to make sure monsters don’t pop out in front of grown-ups.’

  ‘Pop out?’ Will gasped.

  ‘Revealing their true monster appearance,’ said Urk. ‘That can get you a lifetime ban from ever owning another fleshblob suit. It’s one of the worst things a monster can do because we rely on grown-ups not believing in us.’

  ‘A lifetime ban?’ Will smiled. ‘That’s interesting.’

  ‘Yes,’ Urk smiled back. ‘That’s very interesting.’

  There was a moment of silence where the boy and the young monster wondered what to do with this new information, then Urk grabbed the Monsterbook and flicked through its pages until he found the leaflet he’d been given with the suit.

  YOU AND YOUR FLESHBLOB SUIT

  Fleshblob suits are a fun and easy way to move around in the world of fleshblobs during the day. Once on the surface you can menace as many fleshblobs as you want, but you must abide by the conditions of use:

  1. Never wear your fleshblob suit in Monsterland or you might get eaten by another monster. Look in the A-?? of Hidden Doorways to find entry points with a changing cubicle.

  2. Always keep your fleshblob suit in good repair. Real fleshblobs DO NOT walk around with holes, tears and limbs hanging off. It is very important that you look convincingly fleshblobby at all times.

  3. Never reveal your true monster identity in the presence of a grown-up. Punishment for breaking this rule is a lifetime ban, which means:

  YOU WILL NEVER BE ALLOWED TO OWN A FLESHBLOB SUIT AGAIN!!!

  ‘Then it’s decided!’ said Urk, slamming the book shut excitedly. ‘We have to rip his head off!’

  ‘That seems a bit harsh,’ frowned Will.

  ‘Not his real head, silly,’ laughed Urk. ‘His fleshblob head.’

  ‘But you said monsters rely on grown-ups not believing in them,’ said Will. ‘If all the parents and teachers see Snotgobble’s big ugly head, they’ll know monsters are real and the whole of Monsterland will be in trouble.’

  ‘You’d think so, wouldn’t you?’ said Urk. ‘But when monsters do get spotted, adults always come up with an explanation for it. They see what they want to see and then fill in the gaps with something more believable.’

  ‘Then why have the rule at all?’ asked Will.

  ‘It only works if sightings don’t happen very often,’ Urk explained. ‘If adults saw monsters regularly they wouldn’t be able to explain it away. The rule is there to keep monster sightings to a minimum.’

  ‘I’d like to know how the teachers will explain away Snotgobble!’ said Will.

  ‘They’ll think of something,’ said Urk. ‘You’ll see.’

  ‘So how are we going to pull his head off?’ asked Will.

  ‘You’ll have to sneak up from behind and grab it,’ said Urk matter-of-factly.

  ‘Me?’ Will gasped.

  ‘Well, I’ll be playing Snotgobble’s mum, so he’ll be watching me the whole time,’ said Urk, jabbing a thumb at the rubber Mumsy hanging from the wardrobe door. ‘He won’t recognize you without the Jub J
ub disguise, so you’ll be able to get really close.’

  ‘I guess you’re right,’ Will sighed, and then said something he thought he’d never have to say in his lifetime. ‘That means I’ll have to think of a good excuse to stay late after school …’

  9

  School Gate Scare

  The following day Will stood by the school gates at six o’clock waiting for Urk to arrive in his fleshblob suit. The pair had planned to meet up before Snotgobble arrived, to run through the Snot Plot one more time.

  The plot itself was quite simple. Urk would take the bogey bully into the school hall and meet with the teachers as originally planned, then Will would stay close by and pull the rubber head off the monster when Urk gave the signal.

  Will had been waiting for five minutes and Urk was nowhere to be seen.

  The school gates were busy with kids and parents coming and going, and the boy was frantically checking his watch. Then he glanced up and saw a tall lady staggering towards him on tatty legs.

  ‘Hello, little boy!’ shrieked Urk in a peculiar high-pitched voice. The young monster tottered to a stop and grabbed Will’s shoulder for support. ‘Sorry I’m late,’ he whispered. ‘One of my shoes fell off and it took ages to stick it back on again.’

  ‘It’s OK, Snotgobble’s not here yet,’ said Will, smirking at his friend’s strange appearance. Urk still sort of looked like

  Urk, just a very tall Urk with a pink face and frizzy orange hair. ‘Tyler didn’t come to school today, so he might not even –’

  Will didn’t get to finish what he was saying because a very loud voice boomed from the crowd. ‘WHERE’S MY MUM?’ it yelled, and when the pair turned around they saw Terrible Tyler barging through a small group of parents and kids.

  ‘I volunteered to hand out orange squash,’ Will whispered quickly. ‘So I’ll wait for you inside and look out for the signal,’ he added, and hurried away leaving Urk swaying on his stilts.

  ‘There you are, you withered old clam!’ yelled Tyler, ignoring the disapproving gasps from nearby grown-ups. ‘Now, let’s get this thing over with so you can buy me some ice cream!’ he added, grabbing Urk’s arm and tugging him towards the school.

  ‘Er, whatever you say, poopikins,’ trilled Urk, lumbering after the bogey bully.

  ‘Who were you talking to?’ hissed Tyler. ‘I saw you chatting to a fleshblob.’

  ‘Er … I was just scaring that boy,’ Urk said quickly. ‘Um, I told him I was a wicked witch looking for children to put in my oven, and he nearly did a wee wee right there and then!’

  ‘I didn’t pay you a whole pack of Lumpy Bix to work your own scares,’ growled Tyler as they entered the corridor and followed the arrows to the main hall. ‘You’re here to do whatever I tell you! Is that clear?’ ‘Yes, my little dumpling,’ Urk sighed.

  ‘Good. Because I plan to have some fun,’ Tyler added mischievously. ‘And you’re going to help me.’

  ‘But I thought you said you didn’t want any hiccups?’ Urk gasped.

  ‘I changed my mind,’ said Tyler with a wicked grin.

  10

  Hiccups and a Familiar Burp

  As he entered the hall with Tyler, Urk quickly looked about for his friend. The teachers were all seated at small tables along one wall and there were long rows of chairs with parents and children waiting to be called. Will was hovering around a long table filled with cups and jugs of orange squash, trying to look busy.

  ‘I want a drink!’ yelled Tyler, and gave Urk a hard shove with the end of his shoe.

  Urk lurched forward and tottered down the hall, waving his arms frantically to stay balanced on the stilts. He was picking up speed as he staggered towards the drinks, but Will managed to grab him by the arm and swing him round before he crashed into the table.

  ‘Something’s wrong!’ Urk gasped, swaying back and forth.

  ‘What?’ said Will, casually handing over two cups of orange squash.

  ‘It’s the bogey bully,’ said Urk. ‘He wants hiccups!’

  ‘Hiccups?’ said Will, not knowing what he meant.

  ‘Yeah, and he also said he paid me a packet of Lumpy Bix,’ said Urk, struggling to manage the cups and the stilts at the same time. ‘But he didn’t seem to remember the two Yummy bars or the Cheezy Loo Loos …’

  Suddenly Tyler appeared beside Urk and snatched the drinks from him. He guzzled them one after another, threw the paper cups on the floor and then jumped up and down on them.

  ‘I’m bored!’ he said, and did a massive BURP!

  The burp was very long and loud like a foghorn and Urk thought it sounded strangely familiar. But before he could place it, Tyler was tugging him towards the teachers’ tables.

  Will had no idea what Urk was trying to tell him about hiccups and Lumpy Bix, so he decided to stick to the plan and followed them at a safe distance. When the pair sat down at a teacher’s table, Will hid behind a potted plant and waited for the signal.

  Tyler had dragged Urk to the table of Mrs Kindheart because it was the only one without a parent and child. Mrs Kindheart was anything but kindhearted and gave a disapproving snort as the pair sat down.

  ‘Hello, Mrs Poo Poo Bottom!’ said Tyler.

  ‘I beg your pardon?’ shrieked Mrs Kindheart.

  ‘I said “Hello”,’ said Tyler, smiling sweetly.

  ‘No, what did you say after that?’ Mrs Kindheart demanded.

  ‘Er, I can’t remember,’ replied Tyler. ‘What did I say?’

  ‘Poo Poo Bottom!’ said Mrs Kindheart.

  ‘Har! Har! You just said Poo Poo Bottom,’ said Tyler, and roared with laughter.

  Tyler’s laugh was a series of grunts and squeals with an occasional high-pitched wheeze that Urk immediately recognized. He’d heard this laugh many times before, usually when the joke was at his expense.

  ‘Miffni!’ he whispered.

  ‘That’s my name,’ she sneered. ‘Don’t wear it out.’

  ‘But the fleshblob suit?’ Urk gasped. ‘How …?’

  ‘When I left you at the Labyrinth of Peril, I went back to the Creepy Caves and stole it from the snoring Goopsnottle,’ Miffni said, looking very pleased with herself. ‘You didn’t think I’d give up that easily, did you?’

  ‘No,’ Urk growled. ‘But why?’

  ‘Because I know you’re up to something,’ she said, narrowing her eyes. ‘So I followed you here, and I have to say I’m surprised you didn’t bring your silly Jub Jub friend with you.’

  Urk quickly looked for Will, to warn him not to pull Tyler’s head off. He saw him lurking behind the pot plant and waved frantically. Unfortunately the pair had not decided on the exact signal Urk would give, so Will assumed the waving was the signal.

  The boy immediately leapt from his hiding place, skidded down the hall towards the table and grabbed a handful of hair as he passed. With a squelch of Toad Fat the rubber mask slid up Miffni’s head and revealed the face beneath, and when Will saw who it was he quickly let go.

  That was when lots of things happened at once.

  Mrs Kindheart squealed at the sight of Miffni, and Miffni poked her long blue tongue out at the startled teacher. Then Will quickly shot behind Urk’s chair and asked the question that both of them were wondering.

  ‘If Miffni is Tyler,’ he gasped, ‘then where’s Snotgobble?’

  As if in answer to the question, a thunderous rumbling began to echo through the hall. Mrs Kindheart stopped squealing, Miffni withdrew her tongue and everyone in the hall stared at the centre of the floor.

  The floorboards of the hall were beginning to throb and buckle as the rumbling grew louder, and everyone in the area backed away until they hit the wall. Then there was an enormous explosion of splintered wood as something big and stripy burst through the floor!

  11

  Snort ’n’ Splat

  ‘WHO STOLE MY FLESHBLOB SUIT?’ boomed Snotgobble.

  The monster’s voice was very loud, but could barely be heard over the shrill shriek of
terrified screams, the clattering crash of falling chairs and the thudding thunder of shoes charging towards the fire exit.

  The Goopsnottle had no interest in the fleeing fleshblobs. He was searching the chaos for a familiar face – and his eyes grew wide when he saw it. The face the monster was looking for was perched on the top of Miffni’s head like a horrible hat.

  ‘Uh oh!’ she gasped, and quickly pulled the Tyler mask back down again.

  Snotgobble stormed towards Miffni, snorting great balls of bogey into each of his six hands and began rolling them around with expert fingers. The bogey balls quickly grew as more snot was snorted through the monster’s trunk, creating six massive bogey bombs!

  Miffni looked around for a place to hide, but the hall had emptied rapidly. In fact, the only ones left after the mass stampede were Urk, Will and a startled Mrs Kindheart.

  As Snotgobble charged towards her, Miffni decided the big hole in the floor was the nearest exit and made a run for it. But the Goopsnottle took off after her, launching his first green grenade – which sailed over Miffni’s head and disappeared down the hole.

  ‘Missed me!’ laughed Miffni until she realized what he’d done. The bomb exploded under the floor with a massive WHOMP! filling the earthy exit tunnel with gurgling green goo.

  Miffni leapt over the hole and headed for the fire exit, hurdling the refreshments table along the way. But as she cleared the cups of orange squash, the second bogey bomb rolled under the table and exploded with a BOOM!

  Thinking fast, Miffni grabbed a plastic tray and surfed to safety as the snot splat filled the floor. ‘Later, loser!’ she scoffed, stepping from the tray and sprinting towards the doors.