by Candy Nicks
"Your mother judged all men by your father. An understandable but prejudiced view of the world. In that she did you a great disservice."
"Don't you dare speak ill of my mother!"
"Forgive me. I did not mean to speak ill of the dead."
"I must go. My wolf is becoming agitated. I can't hold it back for much longer."
He stayed rooted in place. The decision to eat human food, to cling to her humanity, must be hers. He could only show her another way.
"Take my hand. Come back to the step. Eat my bread and I will try to explain the difference between fucking and making love."
"I am blind without my wolf's eyes, not helpless. You talk to me as if I were a child. Is that how you see me? Is that why you do not want to do this ... fucking with me?"
Patience, he cautioned himself. Through her endless questions, Tian was feeling her way towards a world she'd never known. Navigating his words. Deciding whether he spoke a different truth to her father.
"I want more than fucking from you. That's my problem."
Tian pressed her fingers to her lips. Touched her tongue to the same place, a frown creasing her brow. “Desire? This is how it tastes?"
More than desire, he wanted to say. Pure desperation. He had only to slip the coat from her shoulders to have her naked and in his arms. The rest would follow surely as night followed day.
Where would it lead if she continued with this stubborn refusal to return with him? To return to the Settlement bearing only guilt and recrimination would make a mockery of this whole mission.
An invitation to kiss her again or a genuine question? “Take my hand,” he said. “You know I want you. I think you want me. Yes, that is the taste of desire. Did you not feel the rest? What else was there? Tell me."
Her tongue flickered over her lips. The puzzled expression returned. “Fear,” she said. “I know the taste of fear. You fear for me? And there is something else. Something I do not recognise. A sense of ... having found something ... something you've been seeking ... it's hard to put into words."
"So you understand what drives me?"
"Destiny? You believe I am your destiny? Too fanciful."
"I believe, to a certain extent, we make our own destiny. Talk to your wolf. Give me a better reason than curiosity to make love to you and I will gladly show you everything."
Balan lifted his head, interrupting his determined cropping to give them both a long appraising look. Decide, he seemed to be saying. Can't you see winter is coming?
Coming with a vengeance, Sol thought. Each day the air chilled, the clouds gathered and the animals that chose to brave the long winter months filled their bellies ready for the lean times ahead. The trees were losing their dazzle, the glorious autumn colours fading. Falling leaves gathered in piles, rattling and scraping, pushed this way and that by the wind. An unusually hard winter would see the waterfall and perhaps even the well freeze.
"My wolf would never allow me to come with you."
"Your wolf wishes to survive. It will not do so if you pine and wither inside."
Tian transferred her attention to Balan, who was now watching them hopefully. Sol heard her muttering, low unintelligible words not meant for him. If she did not fight her wolf, she would die along with the creature whose spirit she shared. He shook his head and waited. Both Tian and her wolf seemed determined to learn that particular lesson through painful experience. The last threads of his patience played out, almost at an end. It was not a bottomless well, he discovered. He flexed his fists to ease the tension.
"I would not want to cause these beautiful animals pain,” Tian began. “Sol, I need time to think. To convince my wolf. It's too sudden."
Too sudden? Sol managed to contain the laughter bubbling dangerously close to the surface. How many days had he lingered on the porch step, watching, waiting? An eternity, it seemed. Their lives moved at different speeds—that was for sure.
"To be with you, I would have to give up too much."
"You will replace the things you lose with others of equal value. Your mother will be with you in spirit. And I will return with you to pay tribute at her grave-side whenever you wish."
"And what of my eyes, Sol? If I cannot reach agreement with my wolf, it will punish me for the rest of my days. With you I will be safe and ... blind.” Stark realisation clouded her features. “Whichever way I step, there is a cage. Why is the Goddess doing this to me?"
Safe, blind and loved, he wanted to say. Her vulnerability tore at his heart, the sadness mercifully tempered by the certainty that she would walk through whatever trials lay ahead and emerge stronger.
All his life had been spent waiting for her, he realised. The one woman by whom he would measure all others. And still, he waited.
"Give me some hope, Tian. A reason to make love to you."
"I will eat your bread. Will that do?"
"Absolutely it will.” With his hand in hers, he led her across the clearing and handed her the bowl. “Eat,” he said. “And then I will show you how dangerous a kiss can be."
* * * *
The first kiss had been a tentative exploration. This one was a revelation with which Sol painted a tantalising picture of a possible future. A future she'd never seriously contemplated until now.
Kissing was clearly more than lips touching, tongues caressing, hands moving restlessly, pulling at clothes, fingers sifting through hair. Each renewed assault fanned the flames of desire, making them clutch at each other more desperately, press closer. The kiss stole all of her awareness. The wolf, the clearing, the hut; everything faded until there was only Sol, teaching her something that could never be put in words.
The right man and the right woman, together they made this. Or did Sol have this effect on all women? Even as she held on, kissed him more deeply, she wanted to break away and ask.
Now she understood her wolf's panic. Her mother's warnings. And in part, Sol's initial reluctance to perform the act of mating with her. Had he initiated this, it would have been a seduction. A cynical manipulation of her innocence to lure her back with him. By allowing her to take charge, to set the pace, he could enjoy the benefits without it weighing too heavily on his conscience. She broke for air, unable to contain a smile. If she went with him now, she only had herself to blame.
Don't enjoy it too much.
I'm not, Wolf. Truly I'm not.
"Did you think you could kiss me and walk away?” Sol's words tickled her skin. She listened for arrogance. For the sound of a man, too sure of himself, but heard only truth.
"I did not think that it would affect me like this."
"Like what?” He spoke in a new voice, intimate and low. “Tell me,” he said, in between delicate nibbles of her throat. “Tell me how this feels."
Like the bottom is falling out of my world. “I must admit, it is good."
"Only good?” Sol's chuckle made her shiver. “You disappoint me."
"I did not mean to. I lack the words to describe these sensations."
"I'll help you.” Sol took her lips, his large hands framing her face. A light caress asking only that she follow him.
She went where he led with an eagerness that surprised her.
"A kiss like that makes me believe you might one day trust me enough to let me help you."
Before she could protest that trust had nothing to do with her decision not to return with him, he kissed her, harder this time, his tongue moving in a slow, firm rhythm against hers. The kind of kiss that demanded responses from her body and soul. The sweet ache, low in her belly was only the physical manifestation of the intense yearning that made her cling to him and wonder how she could ever have contemplated letting him go.
"You want me as much as I want you. And not just physically.” He spoke with a persuasive urgency. “Tell me I'm hearing this right. You must see a future for us."
"We seem to fit, it's true. As nature intended a man and woman should fit. Any woman would fulfil this role, surely? Why do you
desire me?"
"This is the difference between fucking and making love. When I touch you, catch the unique scent of your hair, the whisper of your breath on my face—I want to make love to you. And I want to do so every day, in every possible way, for a whole lifetime. Not just this once. That's what I feel when I kiss you. You, Tian. This only happens with you."
One hand was on the small of her back, his fist clenched around a handful of coat, though he must know he couldn't keep her in place should she choose to change. The other rested lightly on her shoulder. She urged him on, silently begging him to open the coat and put his hands where she ached for him.
"Now it's your turn,” he said, fingertips tracing the line of her collar-bone. “What do you see when we kiss?"
"My wolf denies me sight. I see only shapes and shadows."
Sol's fingers moved lower, opening a button, tracing the top curves of her breasts with tender care. Tian drew in a breath and held it, utterly at his mercy. Wanting more. Not daring to ask in case it made her appear weak.
"When you kissed me, you closed your eyes. I did the same because you don't see a kiss with your eyes. You see it with this,” he flattened a palm over her heart. “And with this,” he said grazing her brow.
"Too close,” she said and willed his hand to return to her breast. “Can't focus. That's why we close our eyes."
Sol chuckled. “Perhaps. Talk to me, none-the-less."
What did she see? Safety? Security? That couldn't be right. She could look after herself. “Kindness,” she said at last. “I sense your kindness and concern for me."
"I'm not kissing you out of pity. Try again. Or better, come inside with me. I'll build a fire, warm you up..."
"I want to,” she said, unable to keep the wistful tone from her voice. “My wolf wouldn't allow it. But,” she added when Sol started to protest, “I do like sitting here on the porch step. We spent our summer evenings here, my mother and I. She would spin or play the harp. She'd tell me stories of the world. We were happy."
"I'm not trying to replace her.” Sol shifted to sit behind her, sliding her down to the step below. She felt his arms on her shoulders, his hard thighs enclosing her. After a brief hesitation, she sank back into the sanctuary and warmth of his body, wondering for how much longer her wolf would tolerate this human weakness she couldn't quite rid herself of. This need for human contact.
"You smell different,” she said lifting a strand of his fine hair to her nose. The tang of soap-root brought back memories of herself as a child, crumbling camomile flowers into a barrel of the grated roots to be boiled and poured into clay moulds. “When you first arrived, you smelled of your world.” She sniffed and caught a hint of the linen sheet covering her own bed and the faint aroma of charcoal from the cooking-pit lingering on his clothes. “Now you're starting to smell of mine."
"You made a good life here. I can see how difficult it would be for you to leave.” His lips touched the top of her head. “Answer my question. What do you feel when you kiss me? Open up, Tian. You're safe with me."
"I've never doubted your wish to keep me safe."
"But?"
"I simply cannot stay."
"I aim to change your mind. Do you know how much I want you right now?"
The part that made him male was hard against her back as it had been when she'd watched him touch himself under the waterfall. When she leaned into him he groaned quietly. His building arousal heightened hers, making her breath hitch and her heart beat in the same heavy rhythm as his own. Blood pulsed through their veins, singing a song that was older than the mountains. Drawing them closer. The secret place between her legs was softening, tingling, flushed and slick, ready to receive him.
Tian bit her lip and squeezed her thighs together to intensify the sensation. Tipped back her head reaching blindly for the completion only he could give. “Touch me,” she said. “Please touch me."
Don't stop touching me, she wanted to add. She didn't because his mouth sought hers, his tongue thrusting roughly inside. His hands were everywhere, stroking and coaxing, then demanding and possessing. Touching bare skin at last, swiftly finding the place she ached for him the most.
"Tell me,” he ground out when he finally let her breathe. “Tell me."
A sweet, pulsing rush of sensation washed over her, more intense than anything she'd experienced at her own hand. Always, there had been something missing and now she knew what it was. This man. Whose breath warmed her cheek, whose scent overwhelmed her.
"I—” she said, on a gasping breath. “I'm ... When you touch me, kiss me, I don't want you ever to stop. I never thought it would be like this. I want you too, Sol. Help me, I don't know how to get to you. How to be this perfect vision you hold in your head.” She tightened her grasp, genuinely afraid that if she let go she would be taken by the maelstrom threatening to carry her away.
Opening her heart to this man who'd been a part of her life for barely a phase of the moons was a step into the unknown. One she'd taken without consulting her wolf.
Forgive me. She spoke in their own special language, to the creature lurking inside. I don't think I can ever stop being human. Please don't blame Sol. Don't hurt him for it.
She braced herself for its anger and heard only confusion as it processed this new turn. Sorrow, too. The wolf knew that with Sol lending her strength, it would lose its dominance.
Now you will punish me, it said. Keep me in a cage.
"No.” The accusation startled her. How could the wolf think she would let it be the price of her happiness? “Sol, let me go,” she said, pushing at his arms. “My wolf needs me."
Sol's grip tightened fractionally. Then he loosened his hold and hoisted her upright. “What's happening?” he said, his voice laced with concern and fear. “Tell your wolf I need you, too. Without balance, you won't survive. I can provide that for you."
She stumbled on the step, righted herself. “Please, both of you. Stop fighting over me. You take one hand, my wolf holds the other..."
"Are you saying that between us, we'll tear you apart?"
"No. I'm ... I think I'm starting to understand, at last. I...” She frowned. “I've never questioned it. I never had to. My mother fed my humanity and the wolves on the mountain, nurtured my beast. With my mother gone, we lost the precious balance and forgot who we were. You were sent to help us remember."
"The Goddess put me at your disposal, true."
She heard the pad of Sol's leather soles on the wooden porch decking. Felt the distance he put between them. The quiet calm of his voice belied the tension pouring from him. The air reeked with their arousal. With unfinished business.
"If you knew the sadness in my wolf, you would not be angry with me."
"I'm not angry with you.” She heard him sigh out a long breath. “I came all this way to find you. I've waited on this step for how many days? Waiting. Never knowing if, or when, you'd show up. You're in danger, but you won't let me help you. You sit next to me, naked under your coat. You ask me to fuck you. You kiss me...” The determined stomp, stomp of his boots made the deck boards creak. “After all these years, I finally thought this quest might prove that I'm more than a man who waits. Have you an axe?"
"What for?” She stiffened, ready to change and run.
"I need to fell a tree and chop it into very small pieces. Go soothe your beast while I soothe mine. We need a little time apart. Unless ... you want to come inside with me and let me fuck you until you can't stand. That's all I'm good for right now."
She didn't miss the deliberate use of the word fuck.
"For now, that moment seems to have passed."
"I thought it might have. Now do you see what I tried to tell you?"
"Had you yielded to my curiosity, I might be regretting it now. Is that what you wanted me to hear?” Wolf, I understand what you're feeling, too. Please give me sight. I need to see Sol. He sounds angry with me. So sad. I desperately need to see him.
Don't abandon me for him, T
ian.
I won't. The blur of light and shade melted away. Oh, thank you, thank you. Her eyes glowed and the browns and greens of the landscape, the greys and blues of the mountains and sky, came into sharp focus. Amongst it all, Sol, standing at the porch rail, hair lifting in the breeze, a fist tight around the post, staring at her with an expression she couldn't read.
She stared back, unable to shift her gaze from him. How many days since her human side had seen him? She'd forgotten how long his eyelashes were and how tall he was. The fading remnants of the cuts and grazes he'd suffered falling into the ravine, streaked his knuckles and cheek. New skin was growing over the cut to his temple.
"Every time we meet, it's like starting again from a different point,” she said. When Sol made no move towards her, she went to him, climbing the steps with a growing confidence in herself. Running towards life, instead of away—an option that had never been hers. Sol offered her that choice. She and her wolf had a decision to make.
"I need to speak with my wolf,” she said. “To reassure it. I cannot bear its sadness."
"Don't stay away too long."
"I won't. I promise. It's good to ... see you,” she said, blinking back unexpected tears. How fortunate she was to have been given this gift.
Neither of them moved. The drama, the emotion, had propelled them forward to this moment of truth. Time to commit or to run away and never return. To take a chance or to watch forever from the shadows. Sol took her hand eventually, and grazed her knuckles with his lips. Turned it over and kissed her palm.
"I'll be waiting,” he said. “It seems to be what I do best. Return. I will make love to you. Teach you to ride and how to wield a sword. Make love to you again, and then take you home with me."
As a trophy Tian, her wolf warned. To prove his manhood. Nothing more.
"Will you love us both, Sol. Me, and my wolf?"
"If you both will love me in return, yes."
"You came to tame a wild woman. To return with your prize. Speak with care, Sol, for you cannot hide the truth from me."
