Out of Goodbyes

by Gen Ryan

  I ripped myself out of his grasp and pulled down my shirt. “I know you’ve been here for a long time. You may have her past, but I will have her future, because she deserves happiness and you can’t give that to her.” I let out my breath, my frustration increasing.

  Stay calm.

  “We’ll see about that,” Parker sneered, and headed back toward her house.

  He was going to ruin her, tear apart all the progress she had made in loving herself and having a life outside of making him happy. What he didn’t know was that I was a fighter. I may not throw punches anymore, but I would be there for Rainey no matter what she decided and remind her that she was worth everything.

  I walked toward my car and heard the open and close of her front door. He was in there, professing his love to her. I could almost picture her face, the confusion she must feel, because I knew that if after Mandy left me, she came back to throw herself at me, I would have taken her back with open arms. I hoped that Rainey was stronger than I would have been.

  “Excuse me. Are you Rainey’s boyfriend?” I glanced at the woman who was sitting in the front of the car that drove Parker here as she hung out the window, waving me down. I walked toward her and noticed that she was the woman that had ODed, Parker’s sister.

  “Not boyfriend,” I mumbled.

  “I know who you are. You’re the paramedic that saved my life. I’m Emily, Parker’s sister.” She clutched the steering wheel and let out a loud sigh. “I’m going back to rehab tonight. I should be back by now, but Parker begged me to take him here.” She smiled up at me, her wild eyes unable to focus. “Rainey, she’s a giver. She gives and gives and gives until there’s nothing left. I’m guilty of taking parts of her and contributing to the woman you just described to Parker who almost lost herself.”

  “Okay,” I said, somewhat confused. I wasn’t sure where she was going with this.

  “Don’t let her go. Don’t give up on her. I was so pissed when she and my brother were divorcing, but these weeks in rehab have taught me two things. One, I’m a much better drug addict than person, and two, my brother and Rainey had a love so epic when they were younger that it burned too hard and fast, and there was nothing left. Rainey has been trying for years to bring life to flames that have been out for a while. She deserves that fire again, and Parker isn’t the one to give it to her.”

  I leaned into the car and gripped her shoulder. “Don’t give up on yourself, Emily. You deserve those flames too.”

  She laughed awkwardly, it coming out like a giggle and groan mixed together.

  “Maybe.” Emily looked up at me, her eyes sad and unfocused.

  “I better get going before your brother comes out here and punches me in the face.” I stepped back as Emily pulled down the sleeves of her shirt that had hiked up to reveal the track lines marring her skin.

  “Yeah. Please listen to what I said, okay? If I do anything for Rainey, I want to contribute to her being happy. She deserves it. She deserves a man like you.”

  “Take care of yourself. I don’t want to see you the way I did the last time, okay?” I smiled and nudged her. She was so tiny and frail, looking more like a lost child than an adult.

  “You got it.”

  With a wave, I jogged to my car. As I started the engine, I glanced at Rainey’s house and saw through the window. Parker was on his knees, clutching her in his arms. Rainey stroked his head, but her facial expression, the turmoil and heartache, made my own heart falter.

  She was unsure of what to do. I wanted to run and break down that door and make it all better. Throw her over my shoulder and tell her that Parker wasn’t what she needed. Instead, I drove away, leaving the woman I had been waiting for my entire life to make the decision on her own. I knew in the end she'd make the right choice. Whatever that would be.

  Chapter Three

  Rainey

  I tried to open my eyes. My tears had fused them together and made them feel like cement against my puffy face. I smacked my lips; my mouth was dry and coarse, the lingering taste of the wine that Levi and I had enjoyed the night before coating my tongue.

  The sun blared into my living room, signifying the start of a day that I didn’t know if I could face. Putting up my hand to block the incoming light, I moaned as I sat up from the couch where I must have fallen asleep last night. My back cracked, my muscles crying out from the fitful sleep I’d had. Stumbling over to the window, I pulled the blinds tightly shut.

  Nothing last night had gone as planned. Everything I had imagined about how kissing Levi would feel was a thousand times better. The way we laughed, danced, and finally came together after months of him being patient and kind with me as I healed.

  But all those wounds that had scabbed over were reopened last night when Parker asked me to take him back. All the work I had done, gone in an instant with words that many women would love to hear.

  I love you.

  I didn’t want those words. Not anymore. Maybe before, but now all I wanted was not to feel like I was slowly dying from the inside out. I wanted peace in my mind, which right now was a battlefield. I was at war. Not with Parker or Levi, but with myself. My own emotions, which tugged at me and pulled me toward a man I fell in love with at sixteen. He was all I’d ever known. Parker was comfort, routine, and normalcy wrapped in a frayed package. Levi was excitement, newness, shiny and bright.

  My cell phone buzzed on the table, and I saw Ava’s name flash across the screen. I took a deep breath and prepared myself for her reaction to what happened last night. While I was calm and introverted with my emotions, Ava was loud and outspoken. We were opposites, but I loved her like a sister.

  “It’s nearly noon, and you didn’t call me to give me the juicy details of your date. Tsk, tsk,” Ava scoffed.

  “Sorry, I just got up.” I plopped down on the couch and tucked my feet underneath me.

  “Damn. It was so good that you didn’t wake up until now? I want to know everything. How big is his schlong? Does he kiss like a porn star on crack?”

  I let out a small laugh. Ava always knew how to make me smile. Even in my darkest times, she was my light. My constant.

  “Sweetie, what’s wrong?” As my best friend, she knew when something was wrong without me even having to say it. It was both a blessing and a curse.

  I whimpered, biting my lower lip to prevent myself from full-blown sobbing.

  “Parker came back. He gave up the military for me. He laid it all out there. How he loves me. How he’s sorry. He wants me back.”

  Ava was silent. Silence and Ava were never a good thing. I gripped the side of the couch, preparing for her outburst.

  In three… two… one….

  “That motherfucking asshole. After all these years he says those things? Well, it’s a little too late for that. You’ve moved on,” she yelled into the phone. I had to pull it away from my ear, she was so loud.

  Now it was my turn to stay silent.

  “Jesus Christ, Rainey, don’t tell me you took him back. You were doing so well, taking control of your life and living for you.” I heard Ava fumble with her phone and the sound of her laptop powering on.

  “I didn’t. He left and went to stay somewhere else. I won’t lie and tell you that I’m not confused. I always wanted him to love me. It’s all I ever wanted. I just wanted my marriage to work.”

  Ava sighed as she clicked on her laptop.

  “I know, hon. I really do. But are you willing to go back to the way things were? Can you forget the infidelity? The way you lost yourself in your marriage to make him happy? Parker won’t be able to change overnight. It will take time. Counseling. All things that you have already tried. Remember, he didn’t try. But now that you’re happy, he’s taking that away from you. He’s taking away parts of my best friend, and it’s killed me for the past decade to watch you slowly lose your light in the name of love. That isn’t love, Rainey.”

  Her words sliced me with their honesty. I didn’t want to give up any more of
myself. I wanted to grow, to become the happy, balanced person I knew I could be. That had nothing to do with Parker and Levi. It had everything to do with me.

  There it was again. The truth, that I had all of the control. It was easier to put the ball in someone else’s court. The reality was, I could have taken control whenever I wanted and demanded the respect I deserved, or walked away. But when you’re drowning in depression, you take what you think you deserve, and during those parts of my life, I’d felt like I deserved the anguish Parker put us through.

  “You’re right. It’s just hard. Even this morning, I feel like I’ve been hit by a ton of bricks. The sun hurts my eyes. My body aches and my mind feels foggy. I hate feeling like this. I was so close to finding my happiness.” The tears fell, and Ava whispered soothing words in my ear.

  “It’s going to be okay. Listen, I just booked a ticket to come see you. I’ll be there Tuesday night. I’m going to get my mother-in-law to watch the kids and help Beckett. I’d like my kids in one piece when I get back.” Beckett was her husband, and while he was a good spouse, he struggled with taking care of the kids all at once. I couldn’t say I’d handle three kids under the age of six well, either.

  I sat up straight and patted down my hair like it was magically going to make me get my shit together.

  “Don’t rearrange your life for me. I’ll be okay.” I felt guilty that she was going to all this trouble for me. I would be okay. Eventually.

  “You sound as convincing as Beckett telling me my cooking is good,” she grumbled. “Let someone do something for you. You’re always trying to make someone happy. In your job. In your relationships. I’m coming, and we’re going to work through this together. Because that’s what best friends do. We stick together. Always.”

  I was crying again. Damn Ava and her sudden poetic side.

  “Thank you,” I whispered into the phone.

  “No thanks necessary. But let me go and start getting things together. I love you, Rainey.”

  “I love you too.”

  Ending the phone call just made me feel even more alone. I stood up and glanced around my house, everything igniting fury within my body. My hands shook as I looked at everything that had once brought me such happiness. I was a fool. A damn fool to let Parker leave here last night thinking he had a right to fight for me. I would set that straight, but right now I needed something, anything to keep me from going off the deep end.

  Still clutching my phone in my hand, I dialed work and picked up a shift for tonight. At least there I had something to focus on other than how much I was falling apart.

  I ran my fingers along the walls, heading to the bathroom to take a bath and brush the day-old-wine taste off my tongue. I was going through the motions.

  “You can do this. You can survive this bump in your life and come out happy. Stronger.” I said it out loud, my own voice sounding weak and foreign.

  I stopped in the hallway, pictures lining the walls. There were pictures of Ava and me in high school, and various stages of our lives. All my nieces, from infants to the crazy toddlers they were now. Then there was Parker and me, smiling and holding hands on the bleachers of our high school. It was one of my favorite pictures of us, before he left for basic training and things changed. We were young and carefree and not yet out of goodbyes or familiar with the heartache and turmoil that distance brought to relationships. I snatched the picture off the wall, sending it shattering into pieces on the floor. Parker and I were once picture-perfect. The epitome of love and devotion. Now we were nothing but shattered pieces in a broken frame.

  Chapter Four

  Levi

  I glanced at my cell phone for the tenth time in fifteen minutes. My partner, Brian, laughed.

  “What?” I shoved my phone into my pocket.

  Did it vibrate? I think it vibrated.

  I pulled it out again and frowned at the e-mail about saving money on car insurance that had appeared.

  “You’ve got it bad for her. She still hasn’t texted you back?” Brian tapped his fingers on the steering wheel to the beat of the music. We spent a lot of our time like this, sitting in parking lots, waiting for the next call to an accident or whatever. It resulted in a lot of conversations. Some of them were about mindless things, like who was the best Doctor Who; others were deeper conversations about love, loss, and family. Brian knew more about me than anyone, so my current situation with Rainey was our topic of conversation. He knew about everything that had happened last night, how Parker showed up and wanted Rainey back.

  “No. I just want to make sure she’s okay.” I tried to defend myself from seeming like a creep. I had only texted her once, and wouldn’t again even though I wanted to.

  “Hey, man.” Brian turned toward me. “You don’t have to defend yourself. I know you’re a good guy. Maybe do something nice for her. Swing by her house later with dinner? Some wine? I know you want to give her space, but all you’ve told me about her, she needs to be shown that kind of love and kindness.”

  I rubbed my hands over my beard, which was growing in nicely. It was still close to my face, but I liked it. After years of having to be clean-shaven, it was nice to be able to do something different.

  “You’re right. She deserves that. She deserves more than that.” The radio sounded, a motor vehicle accident being reported.

  Time to rock and roll.

  I loved my job and the adrenaline rush that came with it. The sirens blared, the music switching to “Stairway to Heaven.” It wasn’t as intense as being in a war zone, but it brought the familiar buzz of uncertainty. While we got as much information beforehand as possible, you never truly knew what you were getting into until you were on scene.

  The ambulance flew through traffic, barreling through red lights, the speed sending me flying against my seat. Brian had a lead foot, but was a damn good driver.

  Brian and I rushed out of the ambulance and onto the scene. There was just one car, pressed up against a tree. It was smashed to pieces, the type of car barely recognizable. The fire department was using the jaws of life to get a screaming woman out. The driver-side door was crushed, and tire marks marred the asphalt. Damn, she did a full 360.

  Brian and I worked together effortlessly as we pulled out the stretcher and rushed to the side of the car. Brian stood back as I went to the passenger side to get a better view of what was going on.

  The steering wheel was crushing the driver’s chest, and she was struggling to breathe. I could only imagine the damage that had been done to her chest, but it would be a small price to pay to be alive. The sounds of the jaws of life being used drowned out most other sound, but she was full-on sobbing. And I noticed that she was young. Probably a teenager. The poor girl was frightened.

  “Hey. It’s going to be okay.” I took a few seconds while the firemen stopped using the machine to reassure her.

  “I’m scared,” she whimpered, and looked over at me.

  “I’ll stay with you. How about that?” She nodded, the tears falling.

  “What’s your name?”

  “Amber.” She sniffed.

  “Amber, I’m Levi, and this is Brian.” He poked his head through the passenger window and waved. “We’ll take good care of you. Promise.”

  “Okay. I like your name.” She smiled one last time before closing her eyes as they continued to saw open the car door. I chatted with her in between the noise. I found out she was seventeen, a senior in high school. She had a boyfriend, who was nice and didn’t need any talking to, and a dog named Chewbacca. This promptly started a Star Wars conversation.

  When she was finally out, Brian and I went to work. We stabilized her neck, put a board under her just in case, and moved her to the stretcher.

  “I want my mom,” she whimpered as we made our way to the ambulance.

  “The police already called her. She’ll meet us at the hospital,” Brian assured her.

  The wheels of the stretcher rattled as we lifted her into the back.

>   “Stay with me, please?” she begged.

  “I’ll stay with you every step of the way,” I said. Brian went to the front to drive us to the hospital. I hopped into the back and set Amber up with her IV and checked her vitals. Despite likely having some broken ribs, she was lucky. She was going to be okay.

  When we got to the hospital and unloaded Amber, her mother was waiting and smothered her with kisses.

  “Easy. She likely has some broken ribs. Don’t worry, they’ll take good care of her here,” Brian said as we wheeled her inside.

  “Oh God. What happened?” Amber’s mother asked as she held her hand.

  “I was texting. I swear I only looked down for a second, and then there was a car, and I swerved and—I’m so sorry, Mom. I’m so sorry.” Brian and I stood back and watched Amber and her mother embrace. She whispered reassuring words to her daughter. I was sure Amber would never hear the end of the severity of texting and driving, but what happened today would likely be enough to prevent her from doing it again.

  I felt bad for Amber and her mother, but in a way, I was envious. I wanted kids. I wanted to have a daughter or son to teach the importance of not texting and driving. A kid to teach how to ride a bike and to swim.

  “Levi?” Brian nudged me, and I turned around and saw Rainey. She looked amazing, her pink scrub bottoms hugging her lower half. Her top made me smile, as it was covered in cartoon characters.

  “Rainey. I thought you were off tonight?” I moved toward her on instinct and leaned in, brushing a kiss against her cheek. She glanced up at me and smiled. She had bags under her eyes that made her look ten years older. God, she mustn’t have slept at all last night.

  “I was. I just didn’t want to be alone. Parker showed up and wants me back. Go figure, huh?” She let out a soft laugh and brought her arms around herself.

  “I know. I saw him.” Her eyes widened, and she bit her bottom lip. I felt guilty, but I wanted to crash my lips down on hers. I knew she was struggling, but my God, did I want to kiss her pain away. “I would have come back over.” I settled for rubbing her arms.