Out of Goodbyes

by Gen Ryan

  “I didn’t want to be a bother.” Her voice was soft and hesitant. This woman didn’t even know what she meant to me. I’d cover her body with mine and give her all my heart and strength a thousand times over. I’d do whatever it took to bring her back to the surface and wash away her depression.

  “If last night didn’t show you enough, I’m interested in you. Hell, I’m more than interested. So let me be there for you. Okay?” I brushed her cheek with my hand, and Brian cleared his throat from behind me.

  “Oh, sorry,” I said as I backed away. Rainey smiled at Brian.

  “Rainey, this is my partner and best friend, Brian.” He bypassed her outstretched hand and brought her in for a hug.

  “I feel like I know you already. This man here hasn’t stopped talking about you. And the way he kept checking his phone today….”

  Rainey looked at us and laughed.

  “Thanks, man.” I ran my fingers through my hair. Leave it to him to lay my business out there.

  “I’m sorry. I’ve been working. I haven’t checked my phone.” She fiddled with the stethoscope that was wrapped around her neck.

  Brian excused himself to go the bathroom, giving us some privacy.

  “No worries,” I said. Hospital sounds surrounded us. The beeping machines, wheels of patients being transported. My mind stilled.

  “Rainey, whatever you decide about Parker, it’s been a pleasure getting to know you, and I’d rather be in your life as a friend than not at all. You’ve brought me back to life. Ever since Mandy, it’s been hard for me. Letting someone in again after something like cheating is hard, but you made it effortless.” I shoved my hands in my pockets. Damn, I hadn’t expected to lay it all out there, but Brian’s words rang through my mind. She deserved to know.

  “Thanks. I appreciate that, and I apologize for anything Parker said to you. He can be a real asshole sometimes. More so than not,” she mumbled. “And I know what last night must have looked like, but—”

  “What the ever-loving hell are you doing here?”

  Rainey stopped midsentence as Parker barreled toward us, the bouquet of flowers he held falling to the ground. Grabbing my shirt, he pinned me up against the wall.

  Damn, he was strong.

  “Parker! Stop!” Rainey pulled at his shoulders. I wiggled but couldn’t get out of his grasp. He wound up his fist, and I closed my eyes, waiting for it to connect with my face.

  “Oh. My. God.” I heard a thud, opened my eyes, and saw Rainey sprawled out on the floor. Parker stared down at her and then looked up at me, the anger still directed toward me.

  “You made me do that to her! If you had stopped wiggling.” He came toward me again, and security dragged him out, kicking and screaming.

  The guy was unhinged. That was for sure.

  “Rainey!” I lowered myself to the ground and brought her into my arms. She clutched her eye, and a few of the nurses came running to her aid. “Are you all right?”

  “I’ve been better.” She stood, her legs wobbling underneath her.

  “You’re not okay. He punched you.”

  “On accident. It was an accident,” she added as tears fell down her face. It wasn’t so much that she was trying to defend him, as trying to rationalize what had happened, but I could see what this was doing to her. She was shaking, the situation coursing through her body.

  “We’re taking you to be evaluated.” One of the nurses wrapped an arm around her. Another took my spot.

  I wanted to rip their hands off her and stake my claim. Right here and now, scream to the world that Rainey was mine and I would take care of her.

  Brian rounded the corner, whistling. He looked at Rainey, then mouthed, “What the fuck?” when he saw her face.

  Our beepers buzzed, and I ground my teeth. Not now. I needed to be with her.

  “Duty calls, man,” Brian said as he patted my shoulder. He squeezed as my back went rigid. He knew what I was struggling with.

  “Rainey, I’ve got to go.” Her eyes found mine, and I wanted to find Parker and kick his ass. A bruise was already forming on her face. Gone was the calmness and loving life shit. I wanted to punch him like he punched her. Accident or not.

  “It’s okay. I’m used to being alone.” She offered me a small smile before she continued walking with the nurses who were taking her to be evaluated.

  “One second.” I motioned to Brian with my finger, and he threw up his hands. We had to go. I knew this, but it wasn’t a major call. I had to do this. Running up behind Rainey, I whipped her around and crashed my lips down on hers.

  She stilled under my touch, melting into my arms like she had the night before. This was where she belonged. Hell, this was where I belonged.

  “I am not Parker. I will not leave you. You got that?”

  Rainey brought her hands to her lips and nodded.

  “I’ll be back. I’ve got to work.” As I walked away, she called after me.

  “I’m off at eleven. Will you stop by?” I stood at the ambulance bay, the doors opening and shutting. The nurses next to her were getting annoyed, and one of them rolled her eyes.

  “I’ll be there.”

  She grinned, then winced, bringing her hand to her cheek before her face flitted into a frown. Parker had taken her smile away, when she had just gotten it back.

  I jumped into the ambulance; the sound of the sirens blaring did nothing for my loud and crystal-clear thoughts. This wasn’t just as simple as stepping back and letting Rainey make her choice between Parker and me. Tonight, I saw that she had made her choice. She tried to protect me when she should have stayed away. Now it was my turn to protect her. To take her heart and hold it close and show her light amongst the darkness that I knew was threatening to take her over. I’d put that smile back on her face. I’d fight to make her whole again, even if I had to give pieces of myself.

  Chapter Five

  Rainey

  My face had its own heartbeat. Nothing I did could ease the throbbing pain. Work sent me home, and I took some Advil and iced it, but the splitting headache was persistent and annoying as hell. It was a constant reminder of Parker, who at this point I’d rather forget than feel the pain that plagued me both physically and mentally.

  I never thought I’d say that. Everything we’d been through should have been enough to make me want to keep going. I wanted to hold on to the good memories, because I no longer recognized who Parker had become. He was suffering, and I didn’t know how to help him. Not anymore. I feared that if I stayed, even as a friend, I’d lose even more of myself. My broken pieces couldn’t get any smaller without drifting away in the wind, leaving the person I once was in its wake.

  I popped in a Keurig pod, and the smell of coffee brought me temporary calm. I smiled, remembering the first time Levi and I had chatted, and he confessed he hated coffee. The conversation had flowed so easily, and I felt comfortable—despite his aversion to coffee. I’d never understood people who didn’t like it.

  The coffee sputtered, and I added my flavored creamer. Bringing the mug to lips, I breathed in. There was nothing better than coffee to soothe the soul.

  There was a knock at the door, and I glanced at the clock. It was only 9:00 p.m. I wasn’t expecting Levi until well after eleven.

  Please don’t let this be Parker. I can’t face him yet. My heart thumped loudly in my chest, and I feared it would jump right out.

  Looking into the peephole, I smiled.

  It was Levi, holding a bouquet of flowers and still wearing his paramedic uniform. I loved a man in uniform. Paramedic, firefighter, military; I didn’t discriminate.

  “Hey.” I opened the door wide and stepped aside so he could walk in.

  “Jesus, your face.” He glanced at me as he walked past and into the living room. I shut the door and stood in front of Levi as he clutched the flowers too tightly. A few petals fell to the ground.

  “Those for me?” I said, humor lacing my voice.

  “Oh. Yeah. Sorry.” He hande
d them to me. Bringing the petals to my nose, I took in their beautiful scent.

  “These are wonderful. Thank you. Let me go put them in a vase.” Padding into the kitchen, I heard Levi’s footsteps behind me. Standing on my tiptoes, I pulled down a vase from the top cabinet.

  Levi stood in the entryway to my kitchen, his hands shoved in his pockets. He looked sad. His eyes focused on the floor as he shuffled from foot to foot.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked, as I filled the vase with water.

  “I couldn’t stop thinking about you at work. I had to leave early because I kept picturing you falling to the ground and the bruise that was already showing on your face.” He leaned into the counter, bracing his weight against it.

  I placed the vase with my new flowers in the middle of the counter and leaned across from him.

  “It’s not your fault. Parker was out of control. He wasn’t able to think about the result of his actions beyond what was in front of him, and that was you.” I gave him a small smile, fearful that if I smiled any wider my face would throb. The Advil was finally kicking in, thank God.

  “If I had just punched him, maybe he wouldn’t have hit you. Even by accident. It’s wrong.” Levi shook his head.

  “You handled Parker’s outburst just fine. Stop thinking of the what-ifs. It all happened the way it needed to.” I patted his hand. As much as it hurt, quite literally, something now made sense. It all happened the way it needed to. I’d seen and experienced what I needed to in order to let go of a love that once was without any hesitation.

  “What are you going to do?” Levi’s eyes held everything he was struggling with, and I couldn’t help but feel part of it was me. I wasn’t going to string him along—or Parker, for that matter. I knew what I wanted, and that was for me to be happy and to live without any regrets.

  “Make love to me, Levi.”

  He cleared his throat and stood up straight.

  “What?” he asked, half laughing.

  “I choose me. My happiness. My healing. It’s been a decade since someone made love to me. I need to feel wanted. Loved. Cherished.” Holding my breath, I watched as Levi shuffled from foot to foot. He lifted his face to mine and smirked, sending shivers throughout my body. He walked toward me, each step seeming painstakingly slow. I wanted to feel him against me. His lips on me was something I’d craved since last night.

  Placing his hands on my arms, Levi stared down at me. I knew he was searching my face for any hesitation and any regret that I might have about doing this. But there was none. Just my resolve and choice. I was choosing this, and finally in control.

  His lips found mine, and everything melted away. The slight pain in my face dissipated, my overactive mind that had struggled with simply getting up this morning stilled, and there was just Levi and me.

  My tongue flicked out, and Levi moaned, gyrating his hips against me. He was hard and ready, and I felt wetness pool at my center.

  “Please,” I begged, bringing my hands to the front of his pants and rubbing his hardness.

  He took my hands and stilled them, and then grabbed my cheeks. Between his gentle caresses, he spoke to me.

  “Shh. This is about you, Rainey. I’m going to make such sweet love to you. I’m going to give you everything you need.” He swept me up against his chest, and I wrapped my arms around his neck. I pointed the direction he needed to head in as he carried me to my bedroom.

  With his foot, he opened my bedroom door, the darkness masking our faces. Gently, he placed me on the bed.

  “I can’t see you,” I whimpered as he brushed kisses across my face and down my neck.

  “You don’t need to see me, sweetheart. Feel me. Feel what I’m doing to you.” God, was he right. My body was on fire, a slow burn for this man who had walked into my life and showed me how to live again. He gave me pieces of myself back with a trip to the beach, flowers, and sweet words and kindness. Levi gave me hope.

  “Arms up,” he said as he took off my shirt. He then helped me shimmy out of my pants, and I sat before him in just my bra and underwear. I hadn’t expected this to happen. I wasn’t wearing sexy lingerie or a cute bra and panty set. It was my normal beige bra and full coverage underwear.

  “Stop thinking. Just be,” he whispered in my ear as he unsnapped my bra. I heard his pants unzip and fall to the ground, a few grunts that made me giggle as he struggled with his paramedic shirt. There were a lot of buttons.

  “Lie back for me,” Levi gently said as he helped me lie down on the bed. I scooted up a bit. Kneeling before me, he took off my panties with his teeth, a few nibbles against my skin making me giggle.

  Sweet Jesus. I was going to come right now.

  I looked up at him, his wide eyes staring down at me as he rubbed circles around my center. Slowly, he dipped one finger in.

  “Oh,” I moaned, and bucked against his finger. “More. Levi. I need more.” It was such sweet torture as he rubbed my clit, adding another finger into my wet folds. I wanted to be filled up. To reach my climax with him inside of me.

  “Patience.” He stood up, and I let out an exasperated sigh. I heard a wrapper tear, said a silent thank you that he carried condoms with him, and felt the bed dip again.

  “Hold tight, baby. I’m going to make love to you.” He grabbed my hands with one of his and gently placed them above my head; I felt his hardness at my center and clenched, anticipating his entry.

  Slowly, he entered me, filling me to the brim.

  “God. You feel so good,” I murmured. He chuckled, pulsing his hips delicately as he held true to his promise and made love to me. I knew it was taking every ounce of control for him to go slow; his body was rigid, and I wanted to tell him to take what he needed. But I didn’t. I relished in his slow movements, the relaxed, romantic kisses that he peppered all over my body.

  “Rainey.” My name came from his lips, pained and tortured. He was going to come. His plea caused my own release to bubble to the surface.

  I wiggled my hands out of his grasp and placed them on his back, running my fingers up and down the smooth, sweaty surface. I gripped his ass and pushed him further into me. We both cried out, our releases coming to a head. My body quaked, all my limbs going numb and lax as I clenched around him.

  Levi kissed my cheek and gently got up and turned on the bedside light. I heard the condom snap off, and I assumed he threw it in the garbage. I stayed still, my body buzzing from the orgasm.

  After turning off the light, Levi slowly got back into the bed and brought me close to him. He brushed back my crazy, unruly hair, his soft breaths brushing the back of my neck.

  “I don’t remember the last time I’ve been held like this,” I said as he kissed the back of my head, still caressing my hair.

  “I’ll always make love to you and hold you like this. You deserve this, Rainey. You always have. Plus, there’s no place I’d rather be,” Levi whispered. I snuggled closer and let my tears silently fall. I thought he knew I was crying, but he didn’t say anything. He just stayed true to his word and held me close and never once let me go. We fell asleep in each other’s arms. Comfortable. Peaceful. As one.

  Chapter Six

  Levi

  Rainey looked so content. Her curls cascaded around her, and the low murmurs she made while she was sleeping made me smile. I wanted to stay like this, but I had to pee, and my arm that was under her had fallen asleep about six hours ago. It was worth it, even with my tingling arm and a full bladder.

  Rainey shimmed her ass against my dick, which was suffering from morning wood. I wanted nothing more than to stick myself into her again, but I knew she hadn’t been sleeping well and needed all the rest she could get. I managed to wiggle my arm free without disturbing her. Groaning, Rainey snuggled up to the pillow I had left behind. With a contented sigh, she stayed asleep.

  I threw on my boxers and T-shirt, not wanting to bother with my uniform pants and shirt. I’d have to put those on soon enough. I glanced at my cell phone. 8:00 a.m. In fo
ur hours, to be exact.

  After finally emptying my bladder, I headed into the kitchen to try to whip together something for breakfast. Rainey didn’t have much in the way of groceries, but she had eggs and some veggies that I could make into an omelet.

  I gathered all the things I needed—fresh peppers, onion, cheese, and bacon. I couldn’t forget the bacon. As I mixed everything and cooked up the bacon, I couldn’t help the contented smile that spread across my face. I never thought I’d be this happy again. Rainey, she may be going through some things right now, but she was perfect for me. Everything about her made me want to be a better man.

  “What smells so good?” I turned around. Rainey stood at the entryway to the kitchen in just a long T-shirt, the sleep not yet out of her eyes. She yawned, stretching her arms above her head and hiking up the shirt, showcasing her bare legs even more. God, even with bed head, a bruised eye, and wearing nothing but an old T-shirt, she was gorgeous.

  “What?” she asked, looking down at herself.

  I gripped the spatula tighter in my hand. “You’re beautiful. That’s all.”

  Smiling, she sat on the stool and watched me.

  “How are you feeling this morning?” I wasn’t asking just to find out how she felt about what we did last night. Yesterday had been a hell of a day, and I wanted to find out how she was coping. Would I find her huddled in the bathroom again, soaking wet, shivering and unable to move? I couldn’t bear to see her like that again.

  “Oddly, I feel okay right now. Depression is weird, ya know? It’s still there. I can feel the thoughts in the back of my mind waiting for their time, but I won’t let them win.” I set a cup of steaming coffee in front of her.

  “Well, I’m glad you feel better. It’ll be a work in progress.” She sipped her coffee and nodded.

  I finished up breakfast, and we sat next to each other in silence as we ate. My mind couldn’t focus on our conversation because I was hyperaware of her bare thigh next to mine. The heat expelled from her like waves, her desire flowing right out of her skin.