Out of Goodbyes

by Gen Ryan

  Putting her fork down, she turned to me and sighed.

  “Tell me about Mandy.”

  I swallowed my bite of food almost whole, and it nearly got stuck in my throat. Washing it down with OJ, I pushed my plate away.

  “What’s there to tell? She cheated on me.” My leg shook violently, and Rainey reached out and stilled it with just a touch.

  “There’s more. I can see it in your eyes. I know you’ve moved on. Clearly.” She blushed as her eyes lingered over my body. “But you know my pain. Every time you hold me, I can feel it in your touch that you’ve experienced some of this yourself. Tell me, please.”

  This was the part of relationships that always made me uneasy. Where you opened up and had to put your heartaches and past out there. Rainey tucked her hair behind her ear, and it popped right back out. I grinned. I’d lay it all out there for this woman. In a heartbeat.

  “Mandy and I met when I was home on leave.”

  “Where’s home for you?” Rainey asked as she continued eating.

  “I grew up in California, but my sister and I moved here to North Carolina for college and never left.” She nodded, signaling me to continue. “We had a whirlwind romance. I saw her sun-kissed skin and blue eyes. She was sporting a bikini with jean shorts, and when she smiled at me, I was a goner.” I laughed, remembering the day on the beach. Jay and I were together; he opted to hit on her best friend. I didn’t know whether he chose her or I staked my claim on Mandy, but she was mine since that day.

  She had been mine. Mandy was his now.

  “Anyways, we got married two years later. Divorced six months after. She couldn’t take the life of a military wife. I was gone more than I was home, and Jay, my best friend and the best man at my wedding, kept her company for me. They’re expecting their first kid in a few months. It’s a boy, and they’re naming him Ethan. It’s what we always said we’d name our son. After her grandfather. Screwed up, right?” My leg was shaking again. The wounds were opening again. I remembered them sitting me down and telling me that they had fallen in love while I was deployed. I’d seen soldiers that had become like brothers to me give their lives for their families, and I couldn’t even keep a wife at home. I had lost my wife and best friend that day and had to start over.

  Leaning in, Rainey brought me close against her. Her head fell against my chest, and she rubbed my back.

  “I’m so sorry, Levi,” she whispered. Rainey sat up and looked at me, tears glistening in her eyes.

  “Why are you crying?” I asked, rubbing away one of the tears.

  “Because none of this is fair. No one should have to go through what we did. It tears you apart. Piece by piece. Until you’re shattered and don’t know if you can even go on.”

  I caressed her cheek before placing a kiss on her lips. I kissed her for the pain that Mandy had put me through. For Jay and their unborn child that could have been mine. I kissed her for Parker and everything that she had been through. More importantly, I kissed her for me and our future that I knew wouldn’t be easy but would be worth it.

  I pulled back and relished in the smile she gave me.

  So fucking worth it.

  “I don’t feel sorry for myself. Not anymore. I used to get depressed like you. It was hard to escape. I drank a lot. Did some stupid shit. But I’m a better man now. Sometimes goodbyes can be a blessing.” I took her hands in mine. “My goodbye brought me you.” Rainey brushed a tear away.

  “I’m all out of goodbyes, Levi,” she whispered.

  “That’s okay, sweetheart, because I never intend on letting you go.”

  Rainey grinned and brushed a chaste kiss to my lips. “What shall we do today?” she said excitedly, bouncing a bit on the stool.

  “Unfortunately, I have to go to work in”—I glanced at the clock on the stove—“three hours, so we can’t do much.”

  “Oh. Well, Ava is coming tomorrow to visit. We won’t be able to see each other much. And I need to speak with Parker at some point.” She frowned.

  “Don’t worry about Parker. Give yourself some time to process what happened last night. I’m sure having Ava here will help. You guys will have a good time.” I rubbed her bare knee.

  “Careful there, otherwise I know what we’ll spend the next three hours doing,” she teased.

  “Is that so?” Slowly, I moved my hand up her leg. It was soft and delicate, my hand moving effortlessly over the curves of her leg.

  “Levi—” She arched her back and brought herself closer to me.

  “The way you say my name drives me wild,” I whispered as I nibbled on her earlobe.

  “The way you touch me drives me wild,” Rainey purred.

  I jumped up and grabbed her hand in mine, pulling her off the stool. “Well, let me stroke every inch of your body with my tongue and show you just how wild I can make you.”

  Rainey took the lead, and I trailed behind like a love-sick puppy, her giggles and squeals as I grabbed her ass and nibbled her skin filled me with contentment. When her eyes found mine as she fell down on the bed, she offered me a smile that for the first time since I met her was genuine, pure, and filled with happiness. I didn’t know whether I put that smile there, but I damned well knew I would spend the rest of my life making sure it stayed there.

  Chapter Seven

  Rainey

  I would get to see my best friend today. To say I was excited would be an understatement. It’d been over a year since I last saw Ava, due to our crazy schedules and her having three kids. But now we got to spend a few days together.

  When we last spoke, it was filled with sadness and heartache, and I knew her concern for my mental health was one of the reasons she was coming. Ava was in for a real surprise when she got off the plane and heard how quickly things had changed.

  The pain in my face had finally subsided. Or maybe it hadn’t, but I wasn’t focused on it at all. I looked like a train wreck with the bruise, wonderful shades of blue and greens peppering my cheek, but I didn’t care. I was—dare I say it—happy. It was an unfamiliar feeling, like sudden warmth after standing in the cold for too long. I didn’t want to go back to standing out in the cold. I’d fight for my warmth and comfort.

  Wow, I wanted to fight. I smiled to myself as I pulled into the airport parking garage.

  So much of my life had been spent succumbing to my depression. That wasn’t me anymore. Depression would always be something that nagged at me, but with the self-knowledge I had been blessed with these past months, I knew change was on the horizon.

  Parking at the airport was a pain in the ass, but I wanted to surprise Ava at the baggage claim. I may or may not have made a totally embarrassing sign to hold up.

  I found the baggage claim Ava’s bags would come through and planted myself at the bottom of the escalator. Hiding behind the sign that read: U+Me=US, channeling one of the corniest boy bands we used to like, I waited.

  Quickly peering over, I saw Ava and almost gasped. Her blonde hair was cut in a pixie style, framing her slender face. Last time I saw her, her hair was long and down her back. She’d sworn she’d never cut it. Even in sweatpants and a T-shirt, she was stunning. My heart skipped as she smiled and waved, going into a fit of laughter at my sign. People talked about soul mates, and while I thought there was a lover out there for everyone, I was blessed to have a soul mate that was my best friend. Despite being opposites, we were kindred spirits, soul sisters. Bonded for life.

  “Your hair!” I said through tears.

  “Those kids make it damn near impossible to pee, let alone give me time to brush my hair every day. It’s cute, right?” She spun around so I could get a full view.

  “It’s adorable, come here.” I placed the sign on the ground, then stretched out my arms.

  As we hugged, Ava smoothed back my hair. “I’m going to pretend I don’t see your face and the bruise, because I don’t want to go to jail. I’ll kill him. Stab him right in the heart while I look him in the eye.” Ava’s voice was level and
calm. Sometimes she was freaking scary.

  I laughed and pulled out of the hug. “It was an accident. Parker tried to punch Levi when he saw us together at the hospital.”

  Ava raised her eyebrows.

  “It’s a long story.” I sighed and tucked the sign under my arm.

  “Good thing I’m here for a few days.” She grinned, wrapping her arm under my free one.

  “Yeah. Good thing. What should we do first?” I asked as we walked to the baggage carousel.

  “Let’s get my bag and go change. Dinner and drinks.” Ava shimmied her hips.

  I groaned.

  “Come on, girl! I don’t get out. Like ever. You can tell me all about what’s going on because, despite the gnarly-looking bruise on your cheek, you look good.” She backed away and looked me over. “You look happy and haven’t stopped smiling since I got here. I want to hear all about it.”

  My stomach filled with butterflies as Levi’s face flitted across my mind.

  “And I can’t wait to tell you all about it.” I leaned in and kissed her cheek. “I’m so glad you’re here. Thank you for coming to save me.”

  “Save you? No, sweetie. I’m not saving you. I’m being a friend. I’d do anything for you. Plus, you’re saving me from dirty diapers and Kidz Bop.” She winked. The baggage carousel dinged, signifying that luggage would be coming around.

  Ava struggled to take her huge bag off the carousel. Before I could help, some guy leaned in and effortlessly pulled it off for her.

  “Thanks,” Ava said to the stranger.

  “You’re welcome. You’re beautiful,” he said, staring at her a bit creepily.

  “And married.” She flashed her big-ass wedding ring.

  “Bummer.” He grinned and walked away.

  “I still got it.” Ava grinned back as she fumbled with her bag.

  “You never stopped having it. Whatever it is.” I laughed. “What the hell do you need this big bag for?” I asked.

  “You never know what clothes and shoes you’ll need.” Ava shrugged, and I couldn’t help but laugh. I loved her something fierce and was so glad she was here to see me in a better spot than I was just days ago. I was glad she could be a part of my healing.

  ***

  I nursed my margarita as Ava glared at me.

  “I still can’t believe he hit you, accident or not. I don’t know how Levi didn’t pummel him.”

  “Levi’s a good guy. He has his own demons, so not reacting violently was a positive thing for him. I see a silver lining in what happened. I know it’s time to let Parker go.” I took a sip of my drink.

  “Well, that is good. I’m glad you’re able to let go and you’re happy. If Levi was here, I’d kiss him and thank him for treating you right and giving you some good sex.”

  I grinned, remembering his face between my legs not too long ago. I could still feel the tingle of his beard as it brushed the soft flesh of my inner thigh. “It was more than good sex. It was phenomenal.”

  “Damn. Well, this deserves a toast.” Ava raised her glass. “To phenomenal sex.” We clinked glasses.

  “Hello, ladies.” I glanced up and almost spat out my drink.

  “Levi!” I screeched. He leaned in and kissed my lips. My legs shook, my entire body igniting at his touch.

  “Phenomenal sex, huh?” he teased, whispering against my ear.

  “Well, I’ll be damned,” Ava muttered as she downed her drink.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked as he smiled down at me.

  “Came to the bar with Brian and saw this really beautiful woman sitting here. I couldn’t resist.” He winked at me.

  “Levi, this is Ava,” I introduced. He turned to Ava and gave her a quick hug.

  “Thanks for taking care of my girl,” Ava whispered, so low I almost didn’t hear.

  “Our girl,” Levi said as he took my hand in his.

  Ava’s eyes widened, her expression softening at his response.

  I looked at our intertwined hands and listened to him and Ava chat back and forth. Suddenly, everything came into a new light. I’d had to fight all those years for myself, for a marriage that would never survive, in order to achieve the moments Levi and I shared. And it was worth it. Every struggle, every tear, every second when I feared I couldn’t go on anymore. Now it was my turn to live, to love myself, and to feel what it was like to be loved in return.

  Chapter Eight

  Levi

  Rainey tipped her head back and laughed. Brian had joined us, and conversation and drinks were flowing. Well, I’d had the same beer in my hand all night. I didn’t want to push my limits.

  “I love this song!” Rainey danced in the chair to “Pretty Girl” by Maggie Lindemann. Ava dragged her off to a patch of floor where a few people were dancing. They jumped up and down, laughing and holding hands. She seemed so happy and carefree.

  “She seems good, man,” Brian said as he looked out at her and Ava.

  “Yeah. She does, huh?” I ran my fingers through my hair.

  “Then why do you look like you’re miserable?” He raised his eyebrows at me.

  Why wasn’t I jumping for joy? Rainey was laughing and having a good time.

  I looked out just as her eyes found mine, and she smiled before continuing to bounce around. Her curls flew around her, wild and fucking beautiful as they fell down her back.

  “I worry I’m going to blink and it’ll be all over and she’ll go right back to Parker, I guess.” I took a sip of my beer that had turned warm. I placed it on the bar.

  Brian nodded.

  “I don’t know Rainey well, but she doesn’t seem like the type to string you along. She’s made her choice, man, and she chose you.” He patted me on the shoulder and looked me dead in the eyes. “Now embrace it. Accept that someone actually likes your ugly mug.”

  “I know. Easier said than done with an ex like Mandy. She screwed me up.”

  Brian laughed. “Of course you’re screwed up from what happened. I’m not saying forget all of that, but look at what you have in front of you.” He turned my chin to face Rainey, who was dancing to some other song. “You both have pasts and exes that will stick with you, and the pain will never go away, but you can heal each other. Hell, you’ve already started healing each other, and that’s a beautiful thing.”

  “She is beautiful,” I whispered. Jumping up, I went to the DJ and asked him to play a song. I wasn’t one to let my past impact me so much, at least not anymore, but when you had someone so incredibly magnificent choose you to be in their life, it was hard not to struggle with what could happen. But I didn’t have to struggle alone. I had Rainey. And she had me.

  The music changed to “Lullaby” by the Dixie Chicks. There were a few groans at the slow pace as people scattered from the dance floor.

  Rainey was getting ready to leave, and I pulled her arm, bringing her close to me.

  “Not so fast, sweetheart,” I murmured as we started swaying side to side.

  “What are you doing?” Rainey smirked at me.

  “Dancing with my girl.” I gently touched her cheek.

  She glanced around at the empty dance floor.

  “No one else is dancing.” She tensed.

  “Relax.” I brushed a soft kiss on her lips.

  Rainey softened and offered me a smile.

  We danced, her hands resting on my arms. With my hands wrapped around her waist, I pulled her closer.

  “I can’t get any closer, Levi.” Rainey laughed, her eyes flitting shut. “I love these lyrics.” She hummed.

  I pushed her away from me, taking one of her hands in mine, and spun her around. She giggled, and I pulled her close again, crashing my lips down on hers. She moaned against my mouth.

  “Everyone’s watching us.”

  “Let them watch,” I whispered against her ear. “Is forever enough? Because I’m never giving you up.”

  My hair fell into my eyes. I needed a damn haircut.

  “I love your hair,” Rai
ney said as she brushed it out my eyes. “And forever doesn’t seem long enough with you.”

  “Forever and a day,” I said.

  “Forever and a day sounds perfect.” With one last twirl, the song ended. A few cheers and awws filled the silence before a new song started. Hand in hand, Rainey and I walked back to the bar.

  “You guys make me sick,” Ava said with a laugh.

  Rainey grabbed my arm and nestled in close.

  “What do we do now?” Rainey looked up at me, questions lingering in her eyes.

  “Whatever we want.” I brushed a kiss to her forehead. That was the beauty of life and unexpected love. Everything was new and an adventure. I’d had so many firsts with Rainey to look forward to. And I was damn lucky. I’d never take that for granted.

  ***

  My cell phone buzzed on my nightstand, and I picked up without looking at the caller ID.

  “It’s been two days since you called me,” my sister Zoe complained.

  “Good morning to you too.” I sat up and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes.

  “It’s almost ten, why are you still sleeping?”

  “I worked last night, then went out.” I yawned.

  “With Rainey?” she teased. Zoe was one of my best friends. She was older than me by a few years, but I shared most things with her. She was there for me through all my deployments, sending me packages and pictures of my niece, Abi. And when things with Mandy and me went bad, she was there to call her a bitch and kick my ass when I started drinking heavily. Zoe called it balance.

  “Yes. With Rainey, her friend Ava, and Brian.”

  “Well, I’m calling to remind you that next weekend is Abi’s fourth birthday party. Don’t forget you’re bringing the cake and Rainey,” she said matter-of-factly.

  “Wait. Rainey?” I swung my feet over the side of the bed.

  “Yep. Mom and Dad are coming to town and can’t wait to meet her, and neither can I. Jackson is rather indifferent, but you know him.” I grinned at her mention of Jackson. He was my brother-in-law and a solid guy. He treated my sister and niece well. That’s all I really cared about.