Out of Goodbyes

by Gen Ryan

  “What’s wrong?” I stepped back, fear coursing through my veins. There was an intensity with Levi and me, a love so strong that I felt it always. But right now, I saw the hesitation in his eyes as he averted his gaze to the ground.

  “It’s not enough.” Levi shook his head as he looked past me, at Jay, Mandy, and Ethan.

  “What’s not enough?” My throat was scratchy, and I wiped my sweaty palms on my clean scrubs.

  “I want that. With you.” He pointed into the room. “Marry me. Let’s have babies and start a family. Hell—I’m screwing this up.” Levi sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “I promised myself I’d wait and not ask so soon, but I love you, Rainey, and waiting months or years to marry you just seems foolish. After seeing how quickly life can change and be ripped away, I won’t waste another second.” He stepped forward and took my hand in his. “I know we’ve both been through a lot, but all of those challenges, the heartaches, brought us together. You, Rainey Cavanaugh, are my soul mate. We just had to go through some shit to find each other. I don’t regret anything in my life, but I will regret not marrying you as soon as I can, because I don’t want to miss another second of our forever.”

  Everything Levi and I had been through had been preparing us for this moment. There wasn’t anything I took for granted anymore. The simple gestures of love he gave me, the way he made me feel wanted every second of every day—I wanted that for the rest of my life.

  “It’s Rainey Hayes.” I bit my bottom lip.

  Levi’s face lit up at the sound of his last name, his smile stretching into his eyes. This man was mine. He showed me what being loved truly felt like. Levi brought me to life.

  “Let’s get married right now. I don’t want to wait.”

  I laughed. “Ava would kill me. I eloped the first time. This time she has to be a part of it, or we both will never hear the end of it.”

  Levi cringed. “Yeah. I don’t want to be on Ava’s bad side.” Cupping my cheeks, Levi looked into my eyes. “But seriously, whatever you want, Raindrop. We can have a huge wedding or elope. I don’t care. As long as you’re my wife.” This time when we kissed, it was more than it had ever been. It was the promise of a life that would be everything we ever wanted.

  Jay cleared his throat, and we turned toward him, not yet wanting to let each other go.

  “Do you want to hold him? You both helped make sure he came into this world.” Jay held his baby in his arms as he looked between us.

  “I’d love to.” I took the baby. Gently, I rubbed his head, my ovaries exploding. God, he smelt so good. I hummed as he slept, rocking side to side.

  “He’s perfect.” I looked up at Levi, who hadn’t stopped staring at me.

  “You’re perfect,” he said with a smile.

  “Well, I’m all yours, forever.” I winked and continued rocking the baby.

  “Forever isn’t enough.” Levi brought me to his side, where I nestled in with baby Ethan.

  “Forever and a day,” I whispered.

  “I guess that’ll do,” he said.

  All the tears I cried, the nights when I didn’t know if I could go on, gave me the strength I needed to become a better person. A version of myself that, while still not perfect, was leaps and bounds from the broken soul who thought she didn’t deserve love.

  Levi was my person. I was his. And I couldn’t wait for what our life would bring. I was worthy of love. I was worthy of Levi Hayes.

  ***

  “I’m not going to make it.” Ava adjusted my veil, the tears pressing against her eyes.

  “Don’t start crying, because then I will!” I whimpered and felt the warmth of my own tears stream down my face.

  “Fudge nugget!” Ava said as she pulled tissues from the front of her dress.

  “Classy.” I laughed as I dabbed my eyes. She was working on her swearing, which was comical to listen to.

  “Oh, Rainey.” More tears fell as Ava stood next to me, her arm draped around my shoulder. We looked at each other in the mirror, and my heart swelled. We were best friends since high school, and never once had that friendship faltered. Ava had always been my rock.

  “Are you ready to see your husband?” Ava asked as she slipped her hand into mine.

  “I’m ready.” I knew a lot of brides got nervous on their wedding day, but I wasn’t. I didn’t care about the dress or the food or whether everyone had the perfect hair and makeup. Ava handled all of that for me. She was a bridesmaid from hell. She even made the wedding planner cry. I just let her handle it all, because at the end of the day, all I wanted was Levi and to become his wife.

  We stepped outside, the vineyard’s beauty accentuated by flowers and sparkles that would make any girl swoon. It was beautiful, don’t get me wrong, but my eyes immediately shot to Levi, who blotted his eyes with a tissue. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. He wore a khaki suit, with a matching vest instead of a suit jacket. I smiled at his flip-flops, because I knew Ava fought with him over dress shoes.

  Levi clearly won.

  Ava and I walked down the aisle together, hand in hand. Ava had been my strength and my support through the rough patches of my life. I wanted her to take the first steps with me as I walked toward my future. I wanted her to be a part of the moment when all the trials and tribulations would seem like nothing in comparison to the joy I felt.

  Ava placed my hand in Levi’s, a sob escaping her lips. Dismissing all the normal wedding protocol, I hugged my best friend.

  “I love you, Ava. Thank you for being my best friend.”

  “I love you more. Now stop holding me like this before people think we’re getting married instead.” She winked in typical Ava fashion. She stood at the altar, right behind me. It was where she had been my entire life. Behind me to catch me when I fell.

  I barely heard a single word that the justice of the peace said. My eyes stayed fixated on Levi’s as he gently rubbed his thumbs over the base of my hand.

  This is my life. I’m marrying the man of my dreams.

  A few laughs rumbled through the crowd.

  “Rainey. It’s time to say our vows.” Levi chuckled.

  “Oh, right.” I looked back at Ava, who was laughing and shaking her head.

  Clearing my throat, I spoke from the heart.

  “I never thought I would know what it felt like to be loved. After a marriage that took everything from me, leaving me insecure and depressed, you stuck by me and taught me to live and how to love. Your family became my family. The ideas of a life filled with children and feelings of nothing more than happiness became my normal and my new dream. So, thank you, Levi Hayes, for being my new normal. My happiness. My forever.” My hands were steady as I slipped the ring on his finger.

  “Raindrop.” I laughed at the nickname he’d called me by since the first day we met. “I thought long and hard about what I wanted to say. I had a huge piece of paper that listed everything I love about you. The way you smile. Your unnatural love of coffee.”

  “Hey now!” I said through a laugh.

  “But none of the words seemed good enough for the woman who made me fall in love with her before she even said a word. You came into my life and broke down all the walls I put up, effortlessly. I fell for you and gave you my heart before you even knew that I existed. It was your strength, your desire to never give up when it would have been so easy. You love with your whole self, body and soul, and I will spend the rest of my life proving to you that I am worthy of every ounce of your love. And in return, I will love you with my whole self for every second of every day until forever.”

  Levi slipped the ring on my finger, and my heart was so full.

  “With the power vested in me by the state of North Carolina, I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Hayes. You may now kiss the bride.”

  Levi wrapped his arms around my waist and brought me close.

  “Hello, Mrs. Hayes,” he said with a smile before crashing his lips down on mine. Hoots and hollers sounded, as I rested my foreh
ead against his, trying to catch my breath.

  Levi and I faced our family and friends, hand in hand, and stepped out into our future.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Levi

  The reception was well underway. Brian was drunk and trying to do the snake across the dance floor.

  My mother and father were fused together and giggling like they were schoolkids. Everyone else was laughing, dancing, eating. Ava’s kids and my niece ran around playing tag. While someone should have told them to stop running, I didn’t care. Everyone was happy and having fun.

  Nothing could make this day any better.

  I swung Rainey around, her laughter making my heart soar. She rested her head against my chest and hummed.

  “What are you thinking?” I asked as I rubbed her back.

  “How today was perfect. Don’t you think?” Her voice vibrated against my chest.

  “It was. I’m afraid Brian is going to pull a muscle though.” Rainey glanced back at Brian, now trying to do the sprinkler. We laughed.

  “My feet hurt!” She groaned as she slipped off her heels and rubbed her feet.

  “Let’s sit for a minute.”

  Rainey nodded, her eyes flitting shut as I led her back to our table. Ava grabbed her husband, Beckett’s hand and dragged him off. I did not want to know what they were doing.

  Rainey sat down, the smile never leaving her face. She gulped down some water as she looked out at the dance floor filled with our family and friends.

  “I have a wedding gift for you,” Rainey said, her smile going wider.

  “Why’d you get me something? Marrying you is the best gift.” I kissed her forehead.

  “I think you’ll like it.” Rainey stood up and clinked her fork against her champagne glass, which reminded untouched.

  “Beloved family and friends, I wanted to take a second before everyone begins to enjoy themselves a little too much… cough… Brian… cough, cough.” Everyone laughed as Brian peeled himself off the dance floor, his outfit wrinkled and askew. “I wanted to show Levi how much I love him. And how I’ll never forget what we’ve been through to end up here. So I made him a little gift. Special thanks to his mother and sister for helping me put this together.” Ava and Beckett wheeled out a projector and screen. Ava made it a point to pause and act like Vanna White as she dramatically set it all up.

  The lights dimmed, and the slideshow started. There were pictures of my childhood friends. Pictures with Zoe, who was torturing me with makeup and pigtails. Then the pictures started of Rainey and me. Some were of people at the hospital, my paramedic team. Others were of my niece, and everyone who had ever touched my life.

  I squeezed Rainey’s hand.

  The last slide came, and it was Rainey and me as we stood at the altar, saying our vows. It was perfect, seeing my life in pictures evolve into what it was now.

  “Thank you,” I whispered.

  “It’s not over yet.” She smiled down at me. Another slide came through, and I blinked twice before understanding what I was looking at.

  A grainy black-and-white picture with the name Baby Hayes across it. I shot up, my chair falling to the ground with a thud. My hands instinctively went to her stomach, and I paused, holding in my hands the most precious gift that anyone could ever give me.

  “You’re pregnant?”

  “We’re pregnant. You’re going to be a daddy.”

  My tears fell as I held my wife in my arms, one hand still placed on her stomach.

  She had given me one of the greatest gifts.

  My parents hugged us, my sister rambling on and on about how hard it was to keep the secret. Ava stood off a bit, holding on to Beckett, seemingly taking the moment in.

  “I’ll be right back.” I squeezed Rainey’s hand as I went over to Ava.

  “Thanks for helping with the wedding and the slide show. You’re a good friend, Ava.”

  Ava smiled and lunged into my arms. “You’re a good guy, Levi Hayes. You’re the guy Rainey deserves.”

  I looked back at Rainey, the woman who had just become my wife and would soon be the mother of my child.

  “She’s everything to me.”

  Ava patted my back before leaning back into Beckett. “I know. Otherwise I would have threatened you by now. Treat her right and we’ll have no fucking problem.” Ava eyeballed me.

  “I’m sorry, man. I can’t control that nasty mouth,” Beckett said. Ava rolled her eyes and swatted his arm.

  “You love my nasty mouth.” Ava wiggled her eyebrows. Beckett shook his head with a huge-ass smile on his face.

  “Hey.” Rainey wrapped her arms around my waist. “Are you happy?”

  “I’ve never been happier.” I smiled.

  “Just wait. I have a feeling things will only get better from here.” She rubbed her stomach.

  Rainey was right. Each moment we shared seemed too good to be true. I always feared that our happiness would run out and we would suddenly be back to where we were before, struggling to see the light and happiness that our lives could be. But now that we had each other, nothing could ever take that away. When you find your forever, everything else just falls into place and your life becomes exactly what it should have been all along.

  Perfect.

  Epilogue

  Rainey

  Each day was a gift. The second I opened my eyes, the smile that flitted across my face was a precious reminder of the life that was mine. Today was no different, even though I was three days past my due date, my feet wouldn’t fit into any shoes, and I waddled like a duck.

  “Mommy? Daddy said I had to wake you up.” Gia, my daughter, stood at my bedside, her unruly curls a mess as they cupped her pudgy face. She held my eyelids open with her little bony fingers, something I told her wasn’t necessary to wake someone up. She insisted, every single day.

  I rolled over to the other side of the bed, my belly balancing precariously over the side. I glanced at the clock. 9:00 a.m. Ever since becoming a mother, I couldn’t remember that last time I slept this long.

  I wished I could say I felt well rested, but I’d woken up seven times to pee last night and tossed and turned. It was difficult to get comfortable when you had eight pounds lying right on your bladder and doing calisthenics at 2:00 a.m.

  “Why’d Daddy let me sleep so long?” I asked through a yawn.

  Gia frowned and shoved her favorite bear, Mr. Pickles, under her arm.

  “He said you had to finish cooking the baby.”

  Laughing, I swung my feet over the edge of the bed, my large swollen stomach taking my breath away. I rubbed it as the baby kicked.

  “Any day you want to make your appearance, Lucas.” Just like his sister, Lucas had decided to be late.

  “You shouldn’t cook my baby brother. He’s going to get burnt!”

  I laughed. “Oh, sweetie. He’s not actually cooking. Just growing big and strong in Mommy’s belly.” She shrugged and ran out of the room, her wild curls flying behind her.

  Her attention span never lasted long.

  At almost four years old, Gia kept us running. She was spunky and carefree, too adorable for her own good, which resulted in her getting what she wanted way too often. But she was ours. Our greatest treasure.

  I padded down to the kitchen, one stair at a time, wanting to find Levi and thank him for letting me sleep.

  “Levi?” I called as I wandered the halls. Following the laughter, I stood at the back door that led out to our yard and watched my husband and daughter play. Levi had Mr. Pickles on his shoulders and was running as Gia laughed and tried to catch them. Lucas kicked, and I smiled, rubbing circles on my stomach.

  “Soon, buddy. You’ll be here soon.”

  Levi stopped once he saw me, and handed Mr. Pickles to Gia. She properly sat in the grass with the rest of her dolls. I smirked at her outfit, which I hadn’t noticed before: a princess dress, combat boots, a tiara, and a cape around her neck.

  God, I loved that girl.

  As
Levi walked toward me, I took in all of him. The years had only made him more handsome, if that were even possible. His body was still lean, his beard perfectly grown in. I clenched my thighs together, feeling phantom brushes of if against my skin.

  Despite all of that, my favorite thing was that his hair was still a bit too long and dipped into his eyes. Just like it had when we first met.

  Levi stared at me intently, licking his lips as he moved slowly toward me.

  “Morning, Raindrop.” He bent down and kissed my stomach before wrapping his lips around mine.

  “Mhmm,” I murmured against his lips. “Morning. Gia informed me that you let me sleep so I could cook her brother. She isn’t pleased that he might come out burnt.”

  Levi laughed as he caressed my stomach.

  “Well, if he stopped being so stubborn, we wouldn’t have to worry about that.”

  I smiled and nestled into Levi’s arms as we watched Gia playing in the yard.

  When suffering from depression, it seemed impossible to think that I’d be able to get up in the morning and face the world, let alone move past my demons and find love. But here I was, surrounded by family and friends who never gave up on me.

  Levi brushed a kiss to my forehead.

  I never gave up on myself. Deep down, part of me knew back then that I had the strength to do what was best for me, to move on and pursue what I knew I should have had all along. My happiness. My future that wasn’t plagued with nights crying myself to sleep, or struggling to find worth in anything.

  I was strong. I was a nurse. I was a wife. I was a mother. I was—

  “Mommy, you’re peeing.” Gia giggled as water gushed down my legs.

  I was peeing my pants, apparently.

  Levi looked down at me.

  “It’s time,” I said calmly.

  “It’s time?” He quirked his eyebrow. “We have plans today?”

  Trickles of water continued to fall as I lifted Gia and placed her on my hip.

  “Are you ready to meet your little brother?” I brushed her hair out of her face.