Out of Goodbyes

by Gen Ryan

  My feet finally moved, and I sat on the couch, patting the spot next to me.

  “Come sit,” I said, my voice shaky and uneven.

  I watched him move toward me. He’d always been such a handsome man, with his broken soul apparent on his face. When he sat down, he faced me, the morning sun highlighting the freckles I had traced so many times with my fingers. The hardness was still there of a past that would never let him breathe or live. I had tried too hard to become everything he needed, when really, he needed to be enough for himself.

  I’d realized that a little too late. But the moment I acknowledged that my depression was internal and realized I had control over my own emotions and outlook, I was set free. It didn’t mean that things would always be easy, but with an understanding of that epic proportion, I became something I always knew I could be. Happy.

  “Why come now? It’s been weeks since you lost it at the hospital. I was trying to get ahold of you. You didn’t return my calls.” I picked at the strands on the couch.

  “You bailed me out of jail,” he said matter-of-factly.

  “Yes. I did.” I sighed.

  “And then I came here a few days ago. I was hoping to throw myself at your feet and beg for forgiveness, but then I saw you and Levi through the window. You smiled, Rainey. You smiled so goddamn big when he looked at you, and threw your head back and laughed. It was so hard for me to see, but it’s what I needed. I couldn’t remember the last time you smiled at me like that.” Parker took my hands in his and brought them to his lap. “When you smile at me now, it’s laced with sadness and regret. I knew that no matter what I did, how much I changed, your smile would stay the same. I hurt you. Lied and cheated. Ran away from a woman who gave me everything. The only thing I can give you now, with hopes that you forgive me, is him.” Parker let my hands go and handed me a wad of papers.

  Unrolling the top one, I saw our divorce papers we had signed months ago.

  “It’s all set and paid for. You just have to file them.” Parker stood up, tears falling from his eyes. I couldn’t see straight through my own tears. This was it. I was saying goodbye to my high school sweetheart. To the guy who used to write me poems, who stole my heart and taught me how to see beyond grades and school. That’s what I’d remember. Not the heartache and pain. Because I didn’t want those memories. I wanted the ones that made me smile.

  “There’s something else in there for you. But just wait till I leave to read it, okay?” Parker brushed my hair back, and I leaned into his touch. It wasn’t romantic, it was to feel him one last time without sadness in my heart. I had hope that he would find his own happiness. And that someday I could see him smile like he’d seen me.

  He leaned in and brushed a kiss to my cheek before heading to the front door.

  “I never stopped loving you. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel that way.” With a click, he was gone.

  I clutched the papers in my hand, coating them with my sweat.

  With a shaky hand, I opened the last piece of paper and read:

  You were my everything.

  My soft and sweet devotion

  My lover in the darkness

  I hid from your love for fear of what you'd see;

  A man unworthy

  A brokenhearted soul

  A warrior who had fallen to his knees

  Live, my sweet love

  Don't look back for me

  For I'll be long gone;

  Away from you so you can be everything I know you can be—

  Just without me

  For I am just a man unworthy

  A brokenhearted soul

  A warrior who has fallen to his knees

  My tears hit the paper in large pellets, unforgiving and relentless. Clutching the poem to my chest, I exhaled, tears still streaming down my face. Parker had a rough road ahead of him, but I knew he’d be okay, because he was a warrior, and while he had fallen, he would get up. He always did. And when he rose, he’d be even better than before. It was sad for me to realize I wouldn’t be there when he came out on the other side, a better man, stronger, but he had to go this road alone.

  I smiled through the tears because maybe, just maybe, I’d get to see him again. Happy. Smiling and loving someone like Levi and I loved each other. Because despite what he put me through, he deserved to feel like he was worthy of being loved. Everyone was. Even those who pushed it way. And when he realized that, he’d finally be set free and live.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Levi

  I leaned against the side of the ambulance, a steaming cup of coffee in my hands.

  “It isn’t going to bite you. Just try it.” Rainey smirked as she sipped on her double shot venti caramel fluffanutter, or whatever it was.

  I took a sip, my lips burning off and my tongue going numb.

  “Damn, it’s hot.”

  Rainey giggled and rested next to me.

  “So, what do you think?” Her wild eyes looked at mine, waiting in anticipation to see if she could convert me to a coffee drinker.

  Yeah. No. It tasted like tea on crack. I already felt my heart rate quickening. Pretty sure I was going into cardiac arrest.

  “Sorry. I can’t taste anything. My entire mouth is suffering from second-degree burns.” I held my tongue out of my mouth as I spoke.

  “You’re so dramatic.” Rainey rolled her eyes.

  It’d been a few months since Parker finally let her go. Things had only gotten better. There was nothing negative between them anymore. All we had to focus on was our relationship and our future.

  I wanted to marry her, that much was for certain. I wanted to have children with her. Grow old and watch our grandbabies have babies. I wanted it all with Rainey, and then some. I was a greedy bastard when it came to her.

  “You always look like that.” Rainey sighed as she took another sip of her drink.

  “Like what?” I raised my eyebrow.

  “Like you’re seeing me for the first time.”

  “Because I am. Every time I look at you, it’s better than the last. I feel like someone should pinch me, so I know it’s real.” Rainey blushed, tucking a stray hair behind her ear.

  Then she gripped my arm and pinched.

  “Ouch!” I rubbed it with the palm of my hand.

  “It’s real.” She grinned.

  Rainey’s phone sounded, signaling the end of her break. Brian and I came to the hospital some nights when she worked and hung out during her breaks. I felt bad dragging Brian along, but he didn’t seem to mind. He listened to his music and played on his phone. I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. It was hard with our schedules. They didn’t always line up, so some weeks we barely saw each other. Moments like this, propped up against the ambulance, stealing a half hour to try coffee for the woman I loved, were the highlight of my week.

  “Time to go back to work,” Rainey said as she began to walk away. I pulled her back toward me, bringing her body flush against mine.

  “Where are you going, Raindrop?”

  Her eyes twinkled with amusement, a giggle bubbling over.

  “You owe me a kiss,” I demanded.

  Rainey licked her lips, her eyes focused on my tongue, which lashed out to wet my own. She closed her eyes and pressed her mouth to mine.

  A whistle from behind us made us both laugh.

  “Damn. That’s hot,” Brian said. Rainey and I parted, and Brian hung out of the window of the driver side of the ambulance. “Time to rock and roll.” He gave me two thumbs up.

  I climbed into the passenger seat as Rainey leaned in the open window of the ambulance.

  “Guess I’ll be seeing you soon.” She gave me another quick kiss. “Be safe, guys.” She pointed her finger between Brian and me.

  “Always!” Brian grinned like a maniac as he started the siren and peeled out. I glanced back in the rearview mirror and saw Rainey standing there, shaking her head with a smile on her face.

  ***

  “What do we go
t?” I swiped the aid bag from the back of the ambulance and threw it on top of the stretcher.

  “Woman slipped and fell. She’s a little over eight months pregnant. Heavy bleeding….” Brian rattled off the patient information as we ran into the grocery store. We had barely made it in and I heard her screams.

  “The baby. I can feel it! It’s coming.”

  My mouth went dry and my palms got sweaty as we got closer.

  It couldn’t be….

  “You okay, man?” Brian asked.

  “It hurts!” She screamed again.

  No, I wasn’t okay. This woman we were here to help was Mandy. My ex-wife.

  “Levi?” She groaned as another contraction hit. I looked down at her and saw a pool of blood at her feet. It still slowly trickled down her legs.

  Fuck. This didn’t look good.

  I pushed aside everything that was running through my head and went into paramedic mode.

  “Hey, Mandy. You’re in good hands.” I swiped the bag from the stretcher and knelt next to her.

  “I know.” She managed a smile before screaming in pain. I took her blood pressure, which was sky high, and shot Brian a worried gaze.

  He stepped aside to call the hospital to let the team know we would need people waiting for us. We had to get her there and fast.

  Brian and I got on either side of her and managed to get her to her feet.

  “We’re going to put you on the stretcher and hightail it out of here. Looks like the baby is trying to make an early appearance.” I rubbed the small of her back as Brian and I helped her onto the stretcher. I tried to make light of the situation, but the amount of blood she was losing was alarming.

  “Is it supposed to hurt so bad?” she whined, before her breathing got heavier. “Jay. He doesn’t know. Can you call him, please?”

  Sweat beaded on her forehead as she gripped the sides of the stretcher.

  “I don’t have his number anymore.” I felt ashamed for even saying that. I deleted and blocked both Mandy and Jay from my phone and social media after what happened. The thought of ever speaking to them was never something I could imagine.

  Brian and I loaded Mandy into the ambulance, and he rushed to the driver side to get us out of there.

  “My phone is in my purse.” Her eyes flitted shut, and for a moment it seemed that the pain was subsiding. I hadn’t spoken to Jay or Mandy since the day they told me they were in love. All I felt for them was hate. Jay and I had been best friends. There was never a time that we weren’t together, and in an instant, my best friend and my wife were gone. All because they fell in love. I didn’t begrudge Jay that; I just wished he hadn’t fallen in love with my wife. Sitting here though, in the back of an ambulance when lives were hanging in the balance, none of that mattered anymore. Mandy and Jay were happy and in love. I was happy and in love. But all of that could be gone in an instant.

  “I’ll call him right now.” I wiped the sweat away from her forehead. “Hang on. We’ll be there soon.” I finished hooking her up to the machines and started an IV. Rummaging through her bag, I found her phone and dialed Jay, who was saved under “Love of my life.”

  “Hey babe,” he answered.

  “Jay, it’s Levi.”

  Dead silence.

  “Levi. What’s going on? Why do you have Mandy’s phone?” The panic in his voice intensified. Goose bumps prickled my skin. I wasn’t normally the one to be delivering this kind of news.

  “Mandy had a fall at the supermarket. We’re on our way to the hospital. Can you meet us there?”

  “Holy shit. The baby, man. Is my son okay?” My heart pounded for my once best friend as his fear seeped through the phone. His voice shook, and I heard the door slam.

  “She’s lost a bit of blood, but I think everything is going to be just fine.”

  I looked at the blanket I had draped over her that was already starting to become stained red.

  He breathed a deep sigh of relief.

  “Levi. Something isn’t right.” Mandy’s face went stark white, her eyes rolling back. The heart monitor started screeching.

  She was flatlining.

  I threw the phone on the ground, not wanting to waste a second saying goodbye or hitting End.

  “BRIAN!” I yelled. “Hurry. We’re losing them.”

  “On it!” he yelled back, stepping on the gas and sending me flying.

  I immediately started CPR, pumping my arms and breath into Mandy. She couldn’t die. Not like this.

  Mandy always wanted to be a mother, and it would kill me to know she never got to hold her baby in her arms. I should be angry, say karma’s a bitch, but that wasn’t me. I wanted her to live. To love her child and Jay and have the family they’d dreamed of.

  We pulled up to the ambulance bay, and the doors flew open. Rainey stood there, prepped and ready to go with her team.

  “It’s Mandy,” I heard Brian say. Rainey gasped.

  “Levi.” I heard my name, but I couldn’t move. Twenty. Thirty. Breath. Breath. Press. Press.

  Live. Just live.

  My movements were robotic and rehearsed. I had done this a million times on other people, but nothing prepared you for having to use CPR in real life, especially on a woman you once loved. I willed my life into Mandy and her son. I could do this. I could keep them alive.

  “Levi!” Rainey said louder as she gently squeezed my shoulder. “Let me take over. I’ll take good care of her. I promise.”

  I backed away as two other nurses jumped in, pumping life into Mandy and her unborn child. I stood dumbfounded as Rainey ran with the stretcher.

  “Are you okay?” Brian asked as he stood outside the ambulance.

  “I have no idea.” I blinked, my eyes focusing on the blood that had dripped on the floor of the ambulance. “I hadn’t seen her in a while, and seeing her like that….” I gulped, my tongue sticking to the roof of my dry mouth. “I hope they pull through.”

  “How about I go grab us something to drink, and we go inside and wait?” Brian slapped my shoulder. I ran my fingers through my sweaty hair, unable to remain focused.

  “Yeah,” I croaked out.

  We went inside, and I stood at the nurses’ desk, Rainey nowhere to be found. Mandy should have been transferred to maternity and taken care of, but if something was wrong…. Who the hell knew what was going on.

  I was about to go begging for some information when I heard my name.

  “Levi?” Jay ran up to me, out of breath with sweat dripping down his face. “Where are they? Are they okay?” His eyes were puffy and red-rimmed.

  “Levi….” Rainey came up to us, her scrubs bloodstained, her eyes trying to remain focused. She looked like she wanted to cry.

  “This is Jay. Mandy’s….” I didn’t know what they were anymore.

  “Husband,” he said proudly.

  “Mandy and the baby were whisked into surgery for an emergency C-section. We were able to stabilize her. But the baby….” Rainey struggled to find the words. Taking a deep breath, she continued, “The heartbeat was so faint. We’ll have to wait and see.” She patted Jay on the arm.

  He fell to the ground, his sobs taking him over. Rainey reached out and gripped my hand before heading back toward the surgical wing.

  I knelt and took the man who had once been my best friend in my arms.

  “They’re going to be okay,” I reassured. Truth was, I didn’t know if they were going to be okay. Maybe if I said it out loud, they would be. I prayed that Jay wouldn’t be burying both his wife and child. Or have to tell her that they lost the baby. How would Mandy live after a loss like that? How would either of them?

  Jay stood up and pulled down his shirt, wiping the tears from eyes.

  “Why are you still here? Shouldn’t you hate me?”

  “Because you were my best friend once. And I know that if the tables were turned, you’d be there for me.”

  Jay simply nodded.

  “Let’s head down to the surgical waiting room
.” I pulled out my cell phone and texted Brian so he knew where to find me.

  We sat side by side, our legs shaking as we waited to hear any news.

  “I can’t lose them,” Jay whispered. Reaching out, I gripped his knee.

  It was an unspoken forgiveness. A let-the-past-be-the-past gesture. Things would never be like they were before with Jay and me. Our friendship could never be like it was. But I wasn’t about to leave him or Mandy when they had no one else. I was going to be the friend that I never had the chance to be, and pray that Mandy and Jay got to see their family grow.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Rainey

  The door to Mandy’s hospital room was wide open, and I leaned against it, watching the family that almost wasn’t.

  Jay held his son, Ethan, in his arms as Mandy slept peacefully. This was the part of the job I loved. When something that could have ended with loss and heartache became a miracle. Mandy had suffered from placenta previa, we assumed for a while, but the fall caused her cervix to detach completely. She had needed a blood transfusion, but other than that, she was going to be just fine.

  The adrenaline was still coursing through me, but I knew it would be short-lived before I was begging for another cup of coffee to help me get through the rest of the night.

  A warm embrace enveloped me, and I immediately recognized the feeling that came with Levi’s touch. Pure contentment. With a sigh, I leaned into the hug, feelings of love and comfort easing my nerves that were still coming down from the high.

  “We helped make this family.” Levi kissed the top of my head. “Never thought I’d say that about my ex-wife and my best friend she cheated on me with.” I chuckled and wrapped my arms around his waist.

  “I say that we’ve both come a long way. I love what we’ve become.” Standing on my tiptoes, I kissed Levi’s lips. There was a hesitation, a struggle as he barely kissed me back. My heart dipped.