The Only Way

by Magan Vernon

  Sam raised an eyebrow. “What is she talking about, Tripp?”

  Tawny laughed, a sound like a witches’ cackle. “Oh sweetheart, I hope you don’t think you’re special. You think because he takes you to meet Frankie and buys you nice things that he likes you? Ha. We’ve all thought that. Get in line. Pretty soon you’ll find him face deep in someone else’s pussy and wonder why you wasted your time.”

  Frankie stepped forward and grabbed Tawny by the shoulders, pushing her toward the back of the store. “That’s enough, Tawny. Let’s go out back and you can cool off.”

  Tawny huffed. “Whatever. You’re just trying to get me out because you know I’m right and not willing to kiss Tripp’s ass.”

  Frankie continued pushing her and mouthed ‘sorry’ to me before they headed out the back door.

  “Well, that was interesting.” I rubbed the back of my neck.

  “Yeah...” Sam said.

  I pulled out my wallet and paid for the tattoo. I thought Sam would object but she stayed silent. I went to grab her hand but she pulled it away and headed out the door.

  “Do you want to grab some breakfast?” I asked, following after her.

  She had her arms crossed over her chest and kept her head down. She slowly shook her head.

  “Look, Sam, what Tawny said in there...”

  She looked up and I noticed the frozen tears dotting her cheeks. These weren’t the happy tears she had just moments ago. “Was what she said true? Where you really in there recently? Did you really fuck around with her?”

  I sighed. “Look. It’s not like that.”

  Sam groaned. “What is it like, Tripp? Like us? Whatever this thing is that we have. I trust you. I’ve been trying to help you stay clean. Hell, I’ve opened up to you more than anybody. Not just my mind but my body. Then some weird little albino chick comes in and starts yelling about you standing her up. What am I supposed to think?”

  I took a step forward and let out a deep breath. “Look, Sam. I’m not going to lie to you. I did go in there the other day. I was upset and wanted something to take the edge off, so I talked to Tawny.”

  Sam’s bottom lip quivered as she turned her back to me.

  “Hey!” I reached out for her, but she moved before I could touch her. She kept walking so I followed.

  “Hey! Listen!” I caught up and stood in front of her, making her stop. “I didn’t do it, though. I couldn’t. I knew we had something. I wasn’t sure what, but I know now. I know that I want to be with you. Only you.”

  She shook her head. “Yeah. Right now. What’s to say you won’t get upset again and try to hook up with someone else? How am I supposed to know that?”

  “Look. I haven’t been with anyone else in a long time. Just you.”

  “And what’s a long time for you? The thirty days of sobriety? Were you fucking one of your nurses for coke? Maybe you had to fuck someone to get this jacket for me?”

  I winced. Shit. I didn’t mean to.

  Her eyes widened. “You didn’t...”

  “I...”

  She shook her head. “You fucked a girl to get this jacket? The guy who has all the money in the fucking world?”

  I licked my lips. “No. Sam. It’s not like that. Look. It just sort of happened.” Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I shouldn’t have admitted to it.

  The tears came out of Sam’s eyes in full force as she ripped off the jacket and threw it on the ground between us. “There. I don’t need your fucking jacket. I don’t need anything from you.” She held out her arm. “If I could scrape off this fucking tattoo or any scent of you that’s left on me, I would.”

  She whispered. “I can’t erase you.”

  She started walking backward, shaking her head. “But I can try.”

  “Sam, wait!” I held my arm out to try and stop her but she slipped through my fingertips and ran. I didn’t know where she was going or how far she’d run. All I could do was stand there and watch the best thing that had ever happened to me, run away.

  I could barely walk down the stairs of Tawny’s apartment. I was numb, just like I usually wanted. My Porsche was parked out front and I had to fumble to find the keys in my pocket. I unlocked the door and slid in.

  I closed my eyes. Fuck. This felt good. The numbness. Not feeling pain. I could pretend I was somewhere else.

  The ringing of my phone knocked me out of my trance.

  Way to break my fucking buzz.

  I wanted to ignore it, but it wouldn’t stop ringing so I answered it.

  “Ello?”

  “William? William where the hell are you?”

  Dad. Fucking Dad. What did he want?

  “Out.”

  “Out? That’s all you have to say? We had a dinner arranged with some of our biggest donors and I had to tell them my campaign analyst was home with the flu. Think they actually believed me?”

  “Sorry I’m a fuck up. Won’t happen again,” I mumbled, just wanting to get him off the phone.

  “You bet it won’t happen again. It’s time you own up, son. You can’t keep trying to get by on your good looks and charm. I know you’ve come into the office high on whatever it is you’re smoking and I’m sick of it. Sick of my deadbeat son.”

  “Sorry I can’t make you proud, pops.” I grimaced, sinking into my seat. He was killing my high. Killing the numbness and replacing it with a deep pain.

  I had been trying to drown myself and couldn’t. Now all of that hurt was back in full force.

  “Stop with your excuses. Your mom says it’s depression, but sometimes you just have to buck up. Be happy, Tripp. You have some much going for you and yet you continue to throw it all away.”

  Easier said than done. If I could just be happy, I would. I tried. I tried for so long to be the perfect son, but the pain never went away. I didn’t know if it ever would.

  “I’m sorry, Dad. It won’t happen again.”

  I hung up the phone and started my car. I could barely see the road, but that didn’t stop me from slamming on the gas and pulling out into the night.

  Chapter 21

  I walked around Belmont looking for her. I walked until it felt like my balls were going to freeze off.

  By the time I hailed a cab and went home, all of Sam’s stuff was gone.

  Just like that she disappeared.

  I tried calling, texting, emailing. She didn’t answer a single one.

  She was really gone.

  I laid in bed. The bed we used to share. The pillow even still smelled like her.

  I didn’t know how long I lay there. If I fell asleep or if I was dreaming with my eyes open.

  It wasn’t until the sun set and I heard the door open that I finally sat up.

  “Why is it so dark in here? Please don’t let me see either of you naked when I turn on the light,” Trigg said, flipping the switch.

  I blinked a few times, staring at my brother.

  Trigg set his laptop bag on the counter. “Hey, didn’t realize it was just you here. Is Sam at work?”

  I shook my head. “I don’t know.”

  “Where’s the cat?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Where’s the—?”

  “I DON’T FUCKING KNOW!”

  I raked my fingers through my hair. “She gone, okay? She’s gone and she’s probably never coming back because I’m a big fuck up."

  Trigg rushed over to the bed. “What the hell are you talking about? Is she still pissed about last night?”

  “No. I fucked up. Like I always do. I fucked up and she doesn’t want anything to do with me,” I said, standing up and shaking my head.

  I had to get out of my head. I didn’t want to think. I didn’t want to feel this pain that was caving in my chest. It felt like my heart was literally crumbling.

  Trigg grabbed my arm. “You’re not making any sense. Tell me what the hell happened.”

  I yanked my arm away. “I need some fucking space, is what happened.”

  I plowed toward the
door.

  “Where are you going?” Trigg yelled.

  “I don’t know. Somewhere away from here.” I slammed the door behind me.

  I didn’t know where I was going. I just knew that wherever it was, I wanted to be far away from everything.

  ***

  She was the first number in my phone that I knew would answer. Of course she picked up on the first ring. Of course she wanted me to meet her at one of those night clubs with a door man and bad techno music.

  Carrie’s face was buried in my lap, snorting a line off of my pant leg. She giggled, sitting back up and tossing her long blonde hair back before cuddling in beside me on the plush sofa. We were in one of those curtained off back rooms with some other privileged kids who were too busy trying to fuck each other's faces to pay attention to what we were doing.

  An empty bottle of Grey Goose sat on the table next to me and I was ready for another. My chest had finally stopped hurting. I didn't feel anything. I was numb.

  What’s going on in that head of yours?” Carrie asked, running her fingers through my hair.

  Her perfume was overwhelming. It was as if she dumped the whole floral bottle on and all I could smell were flowers. I hated the smell of flowers. They reminded me of a funeral and with this girl grinding on me with her morbid scent, I could only think about death.

  She wasn’t Sam. Sam wasn’t here. Sam might never be here again.

  Maybe this was all I was meant for. I was just forever going to be the fuck up.

  I didn’t deserve any better. I deserved everything that was happening to me.

  “You want to get out of here and go back to your place?” Carrie’s breath was hot on my ear. “I’ve got some candy that I’ll share with you.” She took my hand and put it between her legs. “And more.”

  Maybe I needed to bury my dick in something and try to forget everything else.

  “Yeah. Gimme whatcha got first.” I pulled my hand away and reached for her purse.

  The girl had a fucking pharmacy. There were things I hadn’t even heard of.

  I grabbed two of the bottles. My vision was too blurry to even read the labels, but I knew whatever they were, they would help drown the pain. Help to stop the pounding in my head and my heart.

  I grabbed a glass of brown liquid from the table and popped a few of the pills in my mouth before downing them with the drink.

  Carrie ran her finger along my jawline. “You ready, Trippy?”

  “Yeah. I’m ready.”

  ***

  I was drowning.

  Usually, I would eventually be able to surface and get some air, but I couldn’t.

  All I could feel was crushing physical pain in my chest that felt like it was breaking into a million little pieces. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't escape it.

  "Tripp? Tripp? Get up, man!"

  The voice sounded so far away. Almost as if I was dreaming it. But I wasn't asleep. Yet I wasn't awake either.

  My head was pounding and when I tried to breathe, I couldn’t get any air. I couldn’t get anything.

  "Tripp? Fuck, man, don’t do this to me! You've got to wake up!" The voice sounded closer and my body shook.

  It kept shaking until my heavy eyelids opened and my vision blurred to an out of focus view of my ceiling.

  "Can you hear me?"

  My eyes focused in on the blob to the side of me. I blinked and the blob became Trigg.

  I wanted to say something, but my mouth was completely dry so I just stared at him. He was hovering above me.

  Where the hell was I?

  I slowly sat up and discovered I was in bed, still wearing the clothes from the night before. They were wrinkled and smelled like stale vodka and cigarettes.

  I looked to the side of my bed. The side where Sam and the cat usually slept.

  But Sam was gone. She really was gone and left in that spot was a big pile of glitter.

  What the fuck did I do?

  I swallowed hard, trying to gain some saliva. “Mornin’,” I said, my voice still gravely like I’d smoked a few packs the night before.

  “What the hell happened to you? You burst in the door last night with that blonde from Thanksgiving and she starts trying to ride you while I’m sitting on the god damn couch. If I wasn’t here, I’m sure she would have probably just taken your wallet and left you passed out.”

  I ran my hands over my face. Fuck. I didn’t remember any of that. The last thing I remembered was some pills and some alcohol. The rest is fuzzy."

  “Where’s Sam? Does she know you’re with some random skank?”

  I shook my head. “Sam’s gone. She’s not coming back.”

  “What? What the fuck did you do, man?”

  “Nothing,” I growled, raking my fingers through my hair. “Not a fucking thing. Obviously she couldn’t handle me. I’m too much of a fuck up. Always have been and always will be.”

  “You’re not a fuck up.”

  I shook my head. “I should have known that everything would just lead to this. I’m not the stand-up guy. I’m the guy who fucks the girlfriend of the stand-up guy.”

  “Maybe if you would stop being such a pussy and hiding behind your little bad boy attitude, then you could be the good guy. You're not a bad guy Yes, you have substance abuse issues, but you're a nice guy. You're not hiding behind that attitude, you're using your tattoos as a shield. If people look at you differently because of the tattoos, then you don't have to worry about them being disappointed in you, because they already made assumptions when they saw the tattoos. You use being the black sheep as scapegoat to not excel at anything. So basically you needs to grow up. Have the balls to be what you want to be and not what others see you as."

  I stared at Trigg. He had his arms crossed over his chest, glaring at me like a child that needed to be reprimanded.

  “You don’t know a fucking thing about me or what goes on inside my head. This isn’t some kind of bad boy persona. This is my life.”

  Trigg put his hands on his hips. “Yeah? You think I don’t fucking know you or what you’ve been going through? We’ve all watched you stumble and fall over and over again. Then we’ve watched you get up. Me. Mom. Dad. Trey. Hell, even Sam knows that you always get back up when you’re down.”

  I stood up. “Yeah, well maybe I don’t want to. Maybe I want to fucking just disappear. Maybe it’d be better if I just didn’t wake up and faded into oblivion.”

  Trigg took a tentative step closer, holding out his hand like he was approaching a rabid animal. “Whoa, there, slow down, Tripp. You’re talking crazy.”

  “In case you haven’t noticed, I am fucking crazy.”

  “No you’re not.”

  “YES, I FUCKING AM!” I threw my hands down. “That’s what everyone thinks, isn’t it? It’s what everyone portrays me as. The black sheep of this god damn political dynasty. I’m the one who everyone expects to fuck up and maybe it’s time I stop trying to live a lie behind a fucking suit and a desk. Maybe it’s better to burn.”

  Before I could react, Trigg’s fist connected with my jaw, knocking the wind out of me. My head cocked left and I put my hand on my now burning cheek. “Ow! What the fuck was that for?”

  Trigg stared at me, his breath coming out shallow. “Snap the fuck out of it, Tripp. So your girl left you. Big fucking deal. You have so much more going for you. You have the non-profit company, and a family that cares about you. Are you going to throw that all away just so you can mope and get high?”

  I glared at him. “You will never understand.”

  “Try me. I’m the guy whose wife left him because she was tired of living up to the Chapman family expectations. She said the election changed us and she wasn’t wrong. It made us all fucking crazy. Now I have to win her and my daughter back and until then, I’m living on my brother’s couch.”

  I stepped forward, my fists clenched at my side. “Now you have a taste of what I feel every single day. Maybe not every moment of every day, but it’s always
there like a black mark. I wake up and just wonder when it’s going to hit. When I’m going to fall and never want to get back up again. Some days I don’t want to get out of bed and just sleep forever because waking up just isn’t worth the hassle.”

  Trigg sighed. “I didn’t know you were that bad, man...I just always thought...” He sighed again. “I don’t know. I don’t know what I thought. I’m not good at this kind of shit. We never really talked about these things at the family dinner table, you know? We just kind of figured out our own way. The perfect family. Perfect fucked up family.”

  I let out a breath of air. “Yeah. I don’t know how to handle it either.”

  We were silent for what seemed like forever before Trigg finally spoke.

  “Want to eat some bacon and then go lift heavy things?”

  I raised an eyebrow. “What?”

  He shrugged. “I’ll make us some bacon then we’ll head to the gym. I don’t know if it’ll help anything but at least we’ll be full and get in a work out.”

  I smiled for what seemed like the first time in forever. “Yeah. Let’s do that.”

  ***

  I’d rarely used the gym inside of my building and obviously no one else did either, if how empty it was right now was any indication.

  It was on the very top floor and completely surrounded by floor-to-ceiling windows.

  Elevator music streamed in from the speakers that were mounted on the walls in the giant room. I thought Trigg might head to the weight bench but instead, he headed over to the far wall. “If we’re going to do this, we can’t have this shitty music playing.”

  He found a chord and plugged in his phone, pressing a few buttons. A 90s rap song blared through the speakers instead of the melodic tune.

  “Is this the shit you listen to when you work out?” I asked, sitting down on the bench.

  “Yeah. Nothing like some Beastie Boys to get you going.”

  I shook my head and laid down on the bench. “You gonna spot me or are you too busy fighting for your right to party?”