Night of the Living Ted

by Barry Hutchison

“Of course they were!” laughed the policeman. He grinned up at his partner, but she didn’t seem even the slightest bit amused.

  “We’ve had reports of numerous thefts in this area,” the female officer said. She took a little notebook from the pocket of her uniform and flipped to a page near the middle. “And of a girl matching your description ‘flying past bedroom windows’ on some kind of drone. Care to explain?”

  Lisa Marie shook her head. “It wasn’t a drone. It was a jetpack. We were being chased.”

  “By who?” asked the policewoman.

  “Witches,” Lisa Marie replied.

  “Witches!” snorted the policeman.

  “Technically witch bears,” Lisa Marie said.

  The policewoman flicked her notebook closed and turned to Vernon. “And can you verify your sister’s statement?”

  “Stepsister,” Vernon corrected. “I didn’t see the jetpack or the witches,” he admitted. “But I did see the Elvis bear and the alien bear.”

  The policewoman stared at him for quite a long time, then shoved her notebook back in her pocket.

  “Fine. If you think this is all some joke, let’s see if you’re still laughing down at the station,” she said.

  “You can’t do that!” said Lisa Marie. “We have to find out who’s responsible for this and stop them.”

  The policewoman shook her head. “We’re taking you both in for further questioning,” she said. “Not so funny now, is—?”

  A bang and a puff of smoke stopped her reaching the end of her sentence. When the smoke cleared, the policewoman was gone. In her place was a small dog in a tiny police hat. It looked around for a moment, as if trying to figure out what was going on, then raised its back leg and began licking itself on the bottom.

  The policeman stared down at his partner-turned-dog, his eyes wide, his mouth hanging open. He only stopped staring when a little furry ghost floated through him and stopped in the air in front of his face.

  “Boo!” it said, and then the policeman yelped in surprise as dozens of teddies piled on top of him, knocking him to the ground.

  “Get off!” he cried, shoving them away. He sat up to find a witch bear standing in front of him, her wand pointed between his eyes.

  “Uh-oh,” the policeman muttered.

  The wand flashed and there was another puff of smoke.

  “Meow?”

  The dog stopped licking its bottom. A growl rolled out from between its tiny teeth when it spotted the confused-looking cat sprawled on the ground beside it.

  With a screech, the cat shot off, the dog yapping and snapping as it gave chase.

  Vernon sighed. “Well so much for their help.”

  With the police officers gone, Lisa Marie and Vernon were given a clear view of the street ahead. Teddy bears shuffled, scuttled, stalked and skulked along it. They clambered over cars and marched through gardens, while those who could fly criss-crossed in the air above them.

  And there, right at the head of the parade, was Vernon’s bear, Grizz.

  “Um…” said Vernon. His eyes started to cross but Lisa Marie slapped him hard across the face.

  “Pull yourself together!” she told him. “No more fainting.”

  One of the closest teddies lunged at her. It was a Cyclops bear with one big bulging yellow eye in the centre of its forehead, and a mouth filled with horrible rotten teeth. Lisa Marie was in no mood for its nonsense, though. The bear screamed as she caught it by an ear and tossed it over a hedge.

  “Right, who’s next?” she demanded, squaring up to the other bears.

  Vernon grabbed her by the arm and pulled her away just as a broomstick-riding witch fired a bolt of magical energy at them. It exploded on the ground where Lisa Marie had been standing, turning a circle of tarmac into thousands of squirming maggots.

  “Ew. Larva-ly,” Lisa Marie said.

  “What?” Vernon scowled.

  “Larva. It’s another word for…” Lisa Marie shook her head. “Forget it. Not really the time.”

  Along the street, lights were coming on in the houses. A door opened, revealing a man in a dressing gown. “What’s all the racket?” he demanded, then he stumbled back into his house as a pack of snarling werewolf bears bounded over his fence and launched themselves towards him.

  “That’s it, boys and girls. Round up the meatbags!” Grizz commanded. “Round them all up! This town belongs to us now. Soon, it’ll be the world!”

  “We’ll see about that,” said Lisa Marie, rolling up the sleeves of her coat and striding off in the bear army’s direction.

  Vernon grabbed the coat’s hood and pulled her into an alleyway between two houses. “What are you doing?” he hissed. “Are you nuts?”

  “We have to stop them,” Lisa Marie said.

  “There’s too many of them,” Vernon pointed out. “There’s nothing we can do.”

  “We have to, Vernon!” Lisa Marie insisted. “Mum and Dad are a slug and a frog. They killed Bearvis! And you heard them – this is only the beginning. We have to put a stop to all this.”

  “Mwahaha!” shrieked a little bear in a vampire cape, jumping around the corner and flashing its teeth.

  Screaming in fright, Vernon kicked the bear as hard as he could. It flew a dozen metres, thumped off the side of a van, then slid to the ground. Before it could get itself back up, Vernon had set off running, pulling Lisa Marie behind him.

  “Let me go!” Lisa Marie spat.

  “No! Now shut up and stop wriggling.”

  He dragged her on as they weaved through alleyways, darted between houses and scampered through gardens. Vernon was trying to put as much distance as possible between them and the bears, but Lisa Marie wrestled him every step of the way.

  “I told you – let go!”

  With a final tug, Lisa Marie wrenched her arm free of Vernon’s grip. They both stumbled to a stop in a pristinely neat back garden, breathing heavily.

  A pair of beady eyes watched them from down on the grass. Vernon screamed and kicked out again. He realized, too late, that it was a grinning garden gnome, and his foot thudded painfully against the heavy stone figure.

  “Ow-ow-ow!” he winced, hopping around in circles.

  “I have to go back,” Lisa Marie said.

  “Don’t you dare!” Vernon told her. He almost screamed again when he spotted another garden gnome, but managed to stop himself. “What are you going to do? Dazzle them with big words? Bore them with science? Hug them to death? There’s nothing you can do, Lisa Marie. You’re going to get yourself hurt. Or worse.”

  “And why do you care about me all of a sudden?” Lisa Marie asked, her voice becoming a shrill shriek.

  Vernon hesitated. “I don’t,” he said. “But if anything happens to you, I’ll get the blame.”

  “From who? Dad’s an amphibian and Mum’s a gastropod. They’re not exactly in a position to tell you off.”

  “I thought they were a frog and a slug?” Vernon said.

  “Those are the same things!”

  “Oh. Look, just do as you’re told, OK?” Vernon barked. “I’m the oldest, so I’m in charge!”

  “You tell her, Vern,” growled a voice. It came from over by the back door of the house. They turned to find Vernon’s friend, Drake, grinning back at them. As they looked at him, his grin fell away, becoming an angry sneer. “Now, what are you two talking about, and what do you think you’re doing in my garden?”

  Drake stepped out on to the neatly cropped lawn, being careful not to step on a colourful little flower bed with two more gnomes peeking out from below the petals. He was fully dressed and wore an Xbox headset on his head.

  “Well?” he demanded, looming over them both. “I’m waiting.”

  “Did you make a teddy bear?” Lisa Marie asked him.

  Drake snorted. “What?”

  “At Create-a-Ted. Did you make one of those free teddies?”

  “Do I look like I’m six?” Drake replied. “Of course I didn’t.”

>   “OK, good,” said Lisa Marie. “Because they’ve all come to life. And they’re trying to take over the town.”

  Drake blinked in surprise. “You what?” he asked, then he turned to Vernon before Lisa Marie could answer. “What’s she on about?”

  Vernon swallowed. “It sounds crazy, but she’s telling the truth,” he said. “The town’s full of evil teddies. They’re alive. That’s what we’re running away from.”

  “What do you mean, ‘they’re alive’? How can they be alive? They’re teddy bears,” he said. “And even if they were alive, so what? Again, they’re teddy bears.”

  Lisa Marie explained, as patiently as she could, about the Halloween costumes and how the bears took on the powers of whatever they were dressed as. She made sure not to use any big words, because she didn’t want to spend half the night having to explain her explanation.

  When she had finished, Drake slowly nodded his head. “I knew it,” he said.

  “Knew what?” Lisa Marie asked. “About the bears?”

  “No. I knew you were a total weirdo little freak,” Drake said, snarling down at her. His breath hit Lisa Marie in the face, making her eyes water. It smelled of stale popcorn and cheese and onion crisps.

  “Vernon, are you going to let him talk to me like that?” she said.

  Vernon glanced up at the much taller Drake. “Um, yep. Yes, I think I am.”

  “Good boy, Vern,” Drake said. “Now you tell her.”

  Vernon blinked. “Tell her what?”

  “Tell her she’s a weirdo little freak,” he leered. “And how she’s not even your real sister.”

  Vernon’s mouth went dry. He looked from Lisa Marie to Drake and back again. Lisa Marie had her head down, but her eyes were pointing up at him, waiting to see what he was going to do.

  “Um…”

  Drake lunged and grabbed Vernon by the back of the neck. “Say it!” he growled.

  “Just say it, Vernon,” Lisa Marie whispered. “It’s OK.”

  Vernon took a deep breath. “Lisa Marie…” he began.

  Drake leaned in closer, grinning broadly.

  Vernon’s eyes went wide. “Listen! Did you hear that?”

  “Hear what?” Drake asked. “Stop stalling and just say…”

  His voice tailed off into silence. There had been a noise – a soft swishing, like something moving through the flower beds.

  Lisa Marie drew closer to her brother, her eyes scanning the plants for movement. The only light spilled out from the open back door, making it hard to see much of anything. She could definitely hear something scurrying around, though.

  “I think there’s a teddy in here,” she whispered.

  Drake tutted. “Oh, give it up, you weirdo. Teddy bears have not come to life!”

  He had just finished the sentence when a teddy bear leaped out of the undergrowth and landed on his face. It was dressed like a pirate, and Drake howled in shock as it bopped him on the nose with its plastic cutlass and stuck the pointed tip of its hook hand up one of his nostrils.

  “Gmmt it uff! Gmmt it uff!” Drake cried, his voice muffled by the pirate bear’s foot, which was currently shoved in his mouth.

  He whirled around, frantically tugging at the bear but it held on tight, shouting “Yarr!” and laughing as if it was having the time of its life.

  “We should probably help him,” said Lisa Marie.

  Vernon nodded. “We probably should,” he agreed. He looked down at his stepsister and half-smiled. “There’s no rush, though, is there?”

  Lisa Marie smirked. “No,” she said. “No rush.”

  They stood together, watching Drake wrestle with the bear.

  “Think he believes us now?” Lisa Marie wondered.

  “Possibly,” said Vernon. “Maybe give him another few seconds to be really convinced, though.”

  “Good idea.”

  They watched Drake and the pirate a little while longer.

  Eventually, Lisa Marie nodded. “That’s probably long enough,” she said. “We’d better help him.”

  “Yeah, suppose,” said Vernon.

  Lisa Marie patted her coat pocket. “The wand!”

  “Do you know how to work it properly yet?”

  “Not really,” Lisa Marie admitted. She shrugged, then nodded in the direction of the pirate bear. “We should probably just grab it.”

  “Sounds like a plan,” Vernon agreed.

  Just as they took a step in Drake’s direction, the garden came alive with movement. A dozen or more pirate bears popped out of the flower beds, cutlasses raised and hook hands swishing.

  “Avast, ye no-good landlubbers!” cried a blue-bearded bear with a blood-red eyepatch. “And where do ye think ye be going?”

  “Run!” cried Vernon, grabbing Lisa Marie by the arm again. They turned away from the pirates, only to be confronted by a horde of zombie bears. The zombies shuffled towards them, their arms outstretched, their fur hanging off in rotten strips.

  “It’s no use,” Lisa Marie realized. “We’re surrounded!”

  “Yarr, don’t you be eatin’ them!” one of the pirates warned the zombies. A wicked grin curved across his furry face. “The boss be wantin’ them in one piece.”

  He winked at Lisa Marie, and she felt a shudder go down her spine. “For the moment, at least!”

  A couple of pirates and something that looked like a gremlin shoved Lisa Marie, Vernon and Drake into a wide circle of jeering teddy bears in the town’s main square. Dozens of people were huddled together at the far side of the circle, most of them dressed in pyjamas and dressing gowns. They were on their knees and guarded by a pack of snarling werewolf bears. Screams and howls in the distance suggested more prisoners would soon be joining them.

  Drake had a black eye and a swollen nose from his fight with the pirate bear, and he hadn’t really said much since the bear had jumped off him. He gazed around now at the circle of furry monsters, his eyes getting wider and wider with every new type of teddy creature he spotted in the crowd.

  “Believe us now?” Vernon whispered.

  Drake’s mouth flapped open and closed, as if he was trying to reply but the words weren’t quite coming out. “Muh… Um…”

  In the centre of the town square, an armchair had been placed on top of a car. Grizz sat in the chair, looking tiny against its high padded back. The Stuff-U-Lator rested across his knees.

  He idly traced his claws along its metal and plastic surface and watched as Lisa Marie, Vernon and Drake were marched over to join the other captives.

  “Wait,” Grizz said, when they passed by his makeshift throne. He leaned forwards and peered at Vernon. “I know you. You’re the one who made me. Right?”

  Vernon tried to reply, but his throat had gone dry, so he could only nod.

  “You made a teddy bear?” Drake said, finally finding his voice. “What a baby.”

  “Silence,” Grizz commanded. He fixed his gaze on Vernon and gestured at himself. “Good job, meatbag. You really made me something special.” He waved to the bears escorting the children. “Now put them with the others.”

  “Wait!” cried Lisa Marie. “What are you going to do to us?”

  Grizz grinned, showing off his vampire teeth. For a long while, he said nothing, but then he held up the Stuff-U-Lator. “See this thing? It’s magic. Or maybe science. Or a little of both, who cares? It was invented by… I don’t know. Some dude. And then it was stolen by some other dude, who used it to bring us to life.”

  The demon-vampire-werewolf bear stood up and hopped down on to the bonnet of the car. “And why? So he could use us. So he could make us his slaves. Because that’s what you do, isn’t it? You meatbags. You think you can just pick us up whenever you like, then toss us away when you get bored of us. You think you’re better than us.”

  “I never thought that!” Lisa Marie protested. She crossed her arms. “But I do now. You’re horrible. We’re much better than you.”

  She jabbed a thumb in Drake’s
direction. “Well maybe not him, but everyone else.”

  “What did you just say?” Drake spat.

  “Lisa Marie, shut up,” Vernon whispered, almost as scared of Drake as he was of Grizz.

  “Is that a fact?” Grizz growled, still holding Lisa Marie’s gaze. He jumped down and padded closer, his paws leaving sizzling prints on the tarmac behind him. “I think you’re more like me than you realize.”

  Lisa Marie shook her head. “I’m nothing like you.”

  Grizz’s grin grew so wide it almost split his seams. “No? Well maybe we can do something about that.” He shook the Stuff-U-Lator. “See, I had this thing reprogrammed. And it’s about time we put it to the test.”

  He glanced at Vernon. “Hold her or I’ll blow you to bits.”

  Vernon gulped. “What?”

  “You heard me,” Grizz growled. “Grab her, hold her still and you won’t suffer the same fate. I might even let you serve at my side. You could help me rule the world!”

  “Um…” said Vernon. His eyes went from his sister to Grizz, and then down to the weapon in Grizz’s hands.

  Fire flickered behind the demon bear’s eyes. “Last chance, kid. Hold her. Now.”

  Vernon shook his head. “N-no,” he said.

  Grizz’s face darkened. “No? No?! You dare say no to me? You just made a very big mistake, meatbag.” He pointed to Drake. “You. Hold her.”

  “My pleasure,” said Drake, almost snapping to attention. He caught Lisa Marie by the back of the neck, just like he’d done to Vernon earlier. Lisa Marie yelped in pain and tried to struggle as Drake shoved her forward.

  “Vernon, help me!” she pleaded.

  “You wish,” Drake sniggered. “I’m doing him a favour.”

  Vernon stood frozen to the spot, watching Drake push his sister towards Grizz.

  Stepsister. He meant stepsister, not…

  Ah, who was he trying to kid?

  He would probably regret this, he knew, but he’d regret not doing it even more.

  Taking a deep breath, Vernon stepped in front of Drake and Lisa Marie, blocking the way. When he spoke, he expected his voice to shake. But it didn’t. Not even a little. “Take your hands off my sister.”