Night of the Living Ted

by Barry Hutchison

  The grin fell from Drake’s face. He stood there, unmoving, unblinking, unsure of how to react. No one had ever tried standing up to him before, and he didn’t quite know how to deal with it.

  “What did you say?” he hissed at last.

  Vernon glanced at the circle of teddies, then back at the growling Grizz. He looked into the eyes of Lisa Marie, which were open wide in surprise. Finally, he turned back to Drake himself.

  “I think you heard me,” he said. “Let her go. Now.”

  “Stupid meatbag!” Grizz cursed. “I offered you the chance to be somebody!”

  Vernon turned to face the snarling teddy. The bear’s glassy eyes were sparking like Catherine wheels. Demonic energy pulsed on the surface of his horns. His gums were drawn back, revealing every one of his vampire fangs.

  “I’m already someone,” Vernon said. “I’m a big brother.”

  “Zap him!” cried a voice from the crowd.

  “Tear him in half!” yelled another.

  “Teach the meatbag a lesson!”

  “Feed him to the zombears!”

  Vernon had to shout to make himself heard over the bears. “If you want to test your machine on someone, test it on me,” he yelled. “But let my sister go.”

  Lisa Marie’s jaw dropped. As far as she could remember, Vernon had never done anything nice for her before, and now here he was risking his life to protect her. She would have smiled, but Drake was still holding her by the back of the neck, and there was the whole ‘evil teddy bears’ thing going on, so she didn’t.

  “Aw, how sweet,” Grizz cackled. He raised the Stuff-U-Lator and took aim at Lisa Marie. “But I don’t think so.”

  He squeezed the trigger. A light began to build deep in the vacuum-cleaner tube.

  “No!” Vernon cried. He dived for Lisa Marie, pulling her from Drake’s grip just as the Stuff-U-Lator fired. A ball of orange light struck Drake in the chest and he jerked around like a puppet with tangled strings. There was a puff of smoke, a loud sort of flomp sound, and then a series of gasps from the bears and humans watching.

  “What?” said Drake, once the smoke had cleared. “Why are you all staring at me like—”

  He stopped talking when he noticed his hands. Or, rather, his paws.

  Carefully, he felt his face. It didn’t feel like his face any more. For a start it was furrier. His nose didn’t used to be made of hard plastic, either.

  He spun to face Vernon, only to find himself looking at the boy’s knees. Leaning back, he looked up and up and up until he could see Vernon’s face.

  “I’m… I’m…”

  “You’re a teddy bear,” Vernon told him. “A brown one.”

  “With a cute little pink bow on your head,” added Lisa Marie.

  Drake shook his head, unable to believe what had happened to him. “My mum is going to kill me!” he sobbed.

  “You’ve got no one to blame but yourself,” Lisa Marie told him. She bent down and picked the Drake bear up. “If it’s any consolation, that bow really does make you look pretty.”

  “Oh, shut up,” the Drake bear snapped, crossing his stubby arms in front of his chest.

  “Now, now,” said Lisa Marie, “any more of that and I’ll find you a nice frilly dress to go with it.”

  “You wouldn’t!” Drake gasped.

  “With flowers on,” Lisa Marie added. “And little pink butterflies.”

  “Well at least we know it works,” Grizz sighed, interrupting them. He jabbed a paw at Vernon and Lisa Marie. “Hold them,” he barked to the circle of bears. “This time I won’t miss.”

  Vernon stepped in front of his sister to shield her as the circle of teddies began to close in.

  “What do we do now?” Lisa Marie asked. “Any ideas?”

  “Nothing coming to mind,” Vernon replied. “I guess this is it.”

  Lisa Marie nodded, barely holding back tears. The bears were almost on them now. “I guess it is.”

  “Sorry,” whispered Vernon. “For being so horrible to you all the time.”

  “It’s OK. I forgive you.”

  “Yuck!” spat the teddy in Lisa Marie’s arms. “Stop with the niceness or I’m going to puke!”

  Suddenly, a loud cry echoed down from somewhere above. Lisa Marie looked up in time to see a tumbling ball of fur come spinning down from the sky. It flipped dramatically in the air, then hit the ground face first with a thud.

  “Aw, man, that hurt,” it groaned. Lisa Marie gave a sharp yelp of delight as the teddy stood up and brushed the ash from his soot-stained sequinned outfit. Adopting a karate stance, the bear curled his top lip into a sneer. “Ladies and gentlemen,” he drawled. “The King has entered the building!”

  “We’re not in a building,” Vernon pointed out.

  “Fair point, son, well made,” Bearvis conceded.

  “You’re alive!” Lisa Marie gasped.

  “Course I’m alive, little darlin’. Takes more than an exploding jetpack to stop the King. Although, I’m gonna be honest, falling back down sure took longer than I’d have liked.”

  He swished his paws in front of him and locked eyes with Grizz. “Now, then, you big ugly … whatever you are, how about you surrender and save us all kinds of trouble?”

  Grizz’s lips pulled back in a snarl. He gestured to the circle of bears, who had all stopped advancing. “Don’t just stand there, you idiots,” he barked. “Destroy the traitor!”

  Lisa Marie and Vernon stumbled aside as a pack of teddies barged past them, making straight for Bearvis. The King launched into a spinning flurry of kicks and punches, then grabbed a sea-monster bear by the fins and swung him round in a wide circle, knocking the others back.

  A werewolf bear hurled itself at the King, its claws outstretched. In a blur of rhinestones, Bearvis spun and powered a devastating kick into the creature’s chest. It whimpered in pain as it flew backwards and rolled across the ground.

  “Y’all gotta get outta here,” he cried as he deflected a vampire’s attack. “I’ll stay and take care of business.”

  Thud. The vampire bear hit the ground, head first.

  “We can’t just leave you!” Lisa Marie protested.

  The King leaped into the air as two demons charged towards him. They smacked together, knocking one another out cold with their horns.

  “Appreciate the thought, little darlin’,” the King said. “But we all gotta do what we all gotta do.” Crunch. His paw thumped hard against a zombie’s jaw, knocking its head clean off. “Know what I’m sayin’?”

  The bears had erupted into a violent frenzy. They scratched, clawed, punched and bit at one another in their rush to take on the renegade teddy bear. Vast sections of the crowd were little more than clouds of flying dust and stuffing, as teddy bear fought teddy bear for the chance to fight another, different teddy bear.

  “You still got that wand?” the King asked.

  Lisa Marie patted her pocket and felt the tiny sliver of wood pulse with power through her coat. “I do.”

  “Good girl. Y’all need to get the people out of here, then I want you to do something for me, OK? I want you to do something for the King.”

  “O-OK,” nodded Lisa Marie.

  “I want you to blow this whole square to smithereens!”

  “No!” Lisa Marie yelped. “You’ll die!”

  “Only way to stop them all, honey,” replied the King as he performed a jumping roundhouse kick, knocking three approaching witches down into the crowd below. “One little teddy bear is a small price to pay to save the world.”

  “But… But…”

  “He’s right,” said Vernon softly. He took hold of his sister’s hand. “We need to do what he says.”

  Lisa Marie bit her lip. “Maybe,” she whispered.

  She tucked Drake under one arm, squeezing him so he didn’t fall.

  “Oi! Watch it!” he protested, but Lisa Marie ignored him.

  “But maybe not!” she cried, then she lunged for the Stuff-U-Lator
and yanked it from Grizz’s grip.

  “Hey!” spat Grizz. Demonic energy crackled between his horns but before he could try to take the weapon back, Vernon toe-punted him across the square.

  “Ooh, he’s not going to be happy about that,” Vernon squeaked, anxiously wringing his hands as he watched Grizz bounce across the ground.

  A slime-covered bogey bear flew through the air between Vernon and Lisa Marie, accompanied by a “Hi-ya!” from the King.

  “What’s going on?” demanded Drake, who was facing backwards under Lisa Marie’s arm. “I can’t see. What’s happening?”

  “He said this is what brought them to life,” muttered Lisa Marie, examining the Stuff-U-Lator. “Maybe if I can figure out how it works, I can fix everything.”

  “Do it!” said Vernon. Grizz was back on his feet now and already racing back across the square. As expected, he didn’t look very happy. “And hurry.”

  “I can’t do it here,” said Lisa Marie. “I need tools.”

  She ducked as a mummy bear went sailing over her head, its bandages rapidly unravelling.

  “Grab Bearvis and come on!” she cried, setting off at a run. “We need to get back home!”

  With Grizz getting closer by the second, Vernon didn’t hang about. Shoving his way through the sea of teddies, he grabbed Bearvis by the back of his sequinned jumpsuit and broke into a sprint.

  “Hey, watch the threads, son,” Bearvis protested. “And put me down so I can finish off these here bad guys.”

  “No!” Lisa Marie called back over her shoulder. “Bearvis, we need you. We’ve got a plan.”

  Bearvis met Vernon’s eye. “You do?”

  Vernon shrugged. “I have no idea. I’m just doing as she says,” he admitted, then he yelped as a werewolf bear leaped on to his back. Bearvis twisted and delivered a crunching elbow to the teddy’s snout, sending it tumbling back into the pursuing pack.

  “They’re coming!” Drake howled. “Run faster, you idiot!”

  Lisa Marie whacked Drake’s furry bottom. “Stop being so mean,” she told him.

  Vernon risked a glance back. The entire army of bears was racing after them, their stubby legs pounding the pavement. They were easily in the top three scariest things Vernon had ever seen in his life, and the sight of them made his legs go faster.

  He caught up with Lisa Marie and began to pull ahead. It was only when he realized she was falling behind that he slowed down so they were both keeping pace.

  “We’re outrunning them,” said Drake.

  “What do you mean we?” Lisa Marie wheezed. “You’re doing nothing.”

  “I’m providing moral support,” Drake said, then he stammered in fright as a squadron of witch and alien bears flew over the heads of the other teddies and swooped in on the fleeing children. “L-l-look out!”

  Vernon glanced back for a second, then shoved Lisa Marie aside just as a blast from an alien ray gun scorched the ground. Stumbling, Lisa Marie ran on, zigzagging along the street as ray-gun blasts and bolts of magical energy streaked down from the sky.

  “The wand, honey. Gimme the wand,” instructed the King. He had climbed up so he was standing on Vernon’s shoulder, holding on to an ear to stop himself falling off.

  Still running, Lisa Marie fished in her coat pocket. As she was carrying both Drake and the Stuff-U-Lator, reaching the wand wasn’t easy, but she finally pulled it free and tossed it to Bearvis, who snatched it from the air.

  “Thank you,” he said. “Thank you very much.”

  He turned the wand over in his paws, examining it, then took aim at the closest witch bear.

  “I’ll get this taken care of, quick as a flash!”

  Bearvis flicked his wrist and a ball of energy shot from the end of the wand. It missed the witch, but hit an alien bear who was hovering along behind her. Vernon and Lisa Marie glanced back in time to see the alien split into two smaller aliens, each with their own jetpack.

  “Great, now there’s more of them!” said Vernon. He grabbed the wand from Bearvis. “Here, let me try.”

  Flicking the wand, he sent another bolt of magical energy scorching through the air. This one missed all the flying bears, arced in the air, then landed in the middle of the chasing teddy pack.

  There was a loud whoosh and a Frankenstein’s monster teddy grew five times larger.

  “Oh, yeah, because that’s much better!” said Bearvis. He leaned down and made a grab for the wand. “Lemme take it.”

  “No!” said Vernon, fighting to hold on to it. “You’ll just make more of them.”

  “Least I won’t make ’em huge! Give it here, son!”

  “Let go,” Vernon said, wheezing from the effort of running. He yanked the wand as hard as he could.

  “No, you let go!” Bearvis cried, tugging in the opposite direction.

  “Stop fighting over it!” Lisa Marie told them. “You’re going to—”

  SNAP.

  Vernon and Bearvis both looked down at the broken pieces of wand in their hands. The end of each part fizzled and crackled with magical power. It made Vernon’s hair and Bearvis’s fur stand on end.

  “Now look what you’ve done!” Lisa Marie scolded.

  “Uh-oh,” Vernon croaked.

  “Aw, man, that ain’t good,” Bearvis added.

  “What happens when a magic wand explodes?” Vernon asked.

  The King shrugged. “I reckon it’s best we don’t find out!”

  They both tossed the wand pieces behind them and Vernon ran faster. He caught Lisa Marie by the arm and pulled her on. They were on the High Street now, and most of the shops were closed and shuttered. The lights of Create-a-Ted burned brightly, though, and the shop’s front door stood open.

  “In there, quick!” urged Bearvis.

  Lisa Marie frowned. “What? We need to get home!”

  “We need to get to cover before the wand blows up!” said Vernon. He dragged Lisa Marie into the shop and took cover just as the broken wand exploded in a blinding swirl of magical light.

  Silence fell. Vernon and Lisa Marie waited for a few moments, listening for the screeching of the witch bears or the groaning of the zombears.

  Nothing.

  “Did we blow them to bits?” Vernon whispered.

  “That’s a real possibility, son,” Bearvis replied.

  “Can someone please turn me the right way round?” Drake asked.

  Lisa Marie peeked her head around the corner of the door. There were still bears on the street, but they were quite far away. And the road between them and the Create-a-Ted shop was blocked by hundreds of frogs, toads, slugs, hamsters and assorted other small creatures.

  “Huh,” said Bearvis. “I guess that’s what happens when a wand explodes. You learn somethin’ new every day.”

  “Come on, we’re nearly home,” Lisa Marie said. “Let’s get out of here before one of them catches up.”

  “Too late. One of us already has,” growled a voice from behind them. Slowly, Lisa Marie and Vernon turned. Grizz stood in the middle of the shop, demonic energy fizzing from his claws. “And I think you have something that belongs to me.”

  Vernon and Lisa Marie lunged for the door, but Grizz slammed it closed with a wave of his paw, blocking their escape.

  “Back door!” cried Vernon, shoving his sister towards the storeroom at the rear of the shop. Grizz lunged for her, but Bearvis bounded on to the monster bear’s back, knocking him to the floor.

  “Get going, kids. The King will take care of this,” he said, but then Grizz’s claw-tips flared and a bolt of demon energy shot up at his attacker’s head. Bearvis ducked, just in time, then groaned when he smelled burning.

  “Aw, man, not again. Why does everyone keep shooting my beautiful hair?”

  Vernon and Lisa Marie stumbled through into the storeroom.

  “There’s no door! It’s a dead end!” Vernon yelped.

  Drake began to sob. “I don’t want to die as a teddy bear.”

  “Tools!” c
ried Lisa Marie, spotting the screwdrivers, pliers and other implements the evil genius bear had used to convert the machine earlier.

  “Great! Then you can undo everything?” asked Vernon.

  Lisa Marie didn’t have the heart to tell him that in all honesty, no, she probably couldn’t. She’d repaired plenty of gadgets in her time, and had a solid understanding of electronics, but the Stuff-U-Lator was no iPad. She’d never worked on anything like it before and she was pretty sure it had to be at least a little bit magic.

  She hadn’t really believed in magic until tonight, but seeing her mum and dad turned into a slug and a frog had made her reconsider.

  “I can try,” she said, then she set the Stuff-U-Lator down on top of a stack of boxes and tossed Drake in the direction of the tools. “Screwdriver,” she instructed.

  Drake’s furry face sneered. “What? You can’t boss me around. Get it yourself.”

  Lisa Marie shrugged and kept her eyes fixed on the Stuff-U-Lator. “Fine. Stay a teddy bear forever, then. It’s up to you.”

  From the corner of her eye, she saw a flurry of movement. “Screwdriver,” said Drake, holding the tool high above his head. Lisa Marie took it.

  “Thank you,” she said, then she ducked as Bearvis came tumbling into the room, his hair smouldering. He rolled across the floor, hit the boxes, then bounded back to his feet.

  “So you want to fight dirty, huh?” he drawled, rolling up his sequinned sleeves. “That suits me just fine!” Roaring, Bearvis charged back into the main shop.

  Vernon shuffled from foot to foot. “I should probably help him,” he said.

  “Good idea,” said Lisa Marie, frantically unscrewing the first of the Stuff-U-Lator’s many screws.

  Vernon winced as something went crash in the shop and something else exploded. “Although… I could stay here and help you, if you like?”

  Lisa Marie met her brother’s eye. “OK,” she said.