Night of the Living Ted

by Barry Hutchison

  Vernon almost laughed with relief. “Really?”

  “Yes,” said Lisa Marie. “You can recalibrate the capacitors for me.”

  Vernon blinked. “I can what the what?”

  Lisa Marie smiled innocently. “No? Oh well, you’d better go and help Bearvis, then.”

  A flash of light lit up the front shop. “Hey, watch the threads, man!” Bearvis warned.

  “Yeah.” Vernon sighed. “I suppose I should. But don’t be long!”

  Taking a deep breath, he turned and ran out of the storeroom. He was barely through the door when the shop’s till hit him in the chest, immediately knocking him over.

  Grizz shrieked and hurled himself at the fallen boy. Vernon used the till to hold the snarling bear at bay as Grizz’s claws swiped the air just centimetres from his face.

  “Time to cash out, son!” bellowed Bearvis from across the room. He was snagged on one of the shop’s display hooks, struggling to pull himself free.

  Vernon had no idea what the King meant at first, but as Grizz’s claws began to glow with demonic energy, he suddenly understood.

  Slamming his fist on the till’s buttons, Vernon activated the drawer-open function. It shot out from inside the cash register, launching Grizz backwards across the room. The monster bear hit the plastic sheeting Josh had draped over the costumes and the whole thing tumbled down on top of him, trapping him beneath it.

  “Got him!” Vernon cheered, then he gulped as a jet of flame erupted through the tarpaulin, melting a hole through it.

  “Reckon you spoke too soon, son,” said Bearvis, flipping down from the hook and landing beside him. “I ain’t so sure we got him trapped.”

  They both watched as Grizz rose through the hole and floated in the air, flames flickering all over his fur.

  “Oh, you think?” Vernon whispered.

  Bearvis whistled quietly. “That’s one hunka-hunka burning bear,” he mumbled.

  “Lisa Marie, have you figured that thing out yet?” Vernon called.

  “Not yet,” Lisa Marie replied. “I’m working on it.”

  “C-could you work on it a bit faster?” he asked.

  Through in the storeroom, Lisa Marie had her hands buried in a tangle of wires, circuit boards and weirdly glowing gemstones. The gems had to be the magical part of the machine, she knew, and while she had no idea how they worked, she realized that if she simply treated them as batteries, the whole thing kind of made sense.

  “Two minutes!”

  “Two minutes?!” Vernon spluttered.

  “I have to reverse it, then reverse the reversal at the same time!” Lisa Marie cried. “It’s not easy!”

  “Fine. Just hurry!”

  “I am!” She pointed to the tools. “Pliers.”

  Drake darted over and retrieved the tool. “Pliers.”

  Out front, Vernon and Bearvis raised their fists. Two minutes. That was all they had to keep the monster bear busy for.

  Two whole minutes!

  “You go high, son, I’ll go low,” Bearvis instructed. He raced towards Grizz, but then stopped as if he’d hit an invisible wall.

  Grizz waved a paw and Bearvis flew backwards across the room. The King slammed hard against the wall then stuck there, unable to move.

  “I’ll deal with the traitor later,” Grizz said, his words echoing around the room. “First, I’m going to take care of you and your brat sister.”

  With a hiss, Grizz bared his fangs. “I’m getting hungry. I think I’ll suck the life out of you both. You’ll be the starter, your sister can be the main course.”

  “Wait, that’s it!” cried Lisa Marie from the storeroom. “Vernon, he’s a vampire!”

  “I’m a demon-monster-vampire!” Grizz corrected.

  “Still a vampire!” Lisa Marie said. “And we know what kills vampires, don’t we?”

  “Yes!” said Vernon. Then, “But remind me…”

  Lisa Marie sighed. That boy never listened. “A stake through the heart!”

  Vernon frowned. “But the butcher’s is shut.”

  “Not that kind of steak. A wooden stake!”

  Vernon’s eyes darted frantically around the room. The battle between Grizz and Bearvis had trashed the place. Everything had been knocked off the counter, including a little pot filled with pens and paperclips.

  There, on the floor, was a wooden pencil with a very sharp point. Grizz spotted it at the same time as Vernon did. His face twisted into a sneer.

  “Go for it,” he spat. “I dare you.”

  Vernon dived for the pencil. He felt the air above him turn blisteringly hot as Grizz launched a fireball at him. Squealing in panic, he tucked himself into a roll, flipped clumsily and landed flat on his back.

  Grizz pounced, his claws extended and his vampire teeth bared. Scrabbling around, Vernon found the pencil. He jabbed it up just as Grizz flew towards him.

  There was a rrrip as the pencil pierced the demon-monster-vampire bear’s chest, and Vernon let out a cheer of triumph.

  “I did it!” he said. “I did it!”

  Grizz, who had been looking down at the pencil, now raised his eyes to Vernon. The bear’s smile returned, broader than ever. “Forgetting something, meatbag?”

  Vernon felt his stomach do a flip. “A heart,” he whispered. “I didn’t give you a heart.”

  “That’s right,” said Grizz. He yanked the pencil free and tossed it on to the floor. “Now, where were we?”

  Vernon could only watch, frozen in fear, as Grizz extended his claws to their full terrifying length. Bearvis was still pinned to the wall, and the hole in the monster bear’s chest was already knitting itself back together. Vernon was out of options, and in a moment, he’d be out of time.

  “I’m going to enjoy this,” said Grizz, his eyes blazing hatred. His teeth seemed to grow larger as he stepped closer to Vernon. Vernon instinctively covered his neck to protect himself from the vampire’s bite. “Lisa Marie, help!”

  “She can’t help you,” Grizz snarled.

  “Wanna bet?” said Lisa Marie, appearing in the doorway. “Vernon, catch!” she instructed, tossing him something small, red and shiny. Vernon scrabbled to grab it but missed. It fell on to the floor beside him, its satin surface gleaming in the shop’s overhead lights.

  It was a heart. A tiny red heart.

  Vernon had sworn he would never do this, but suddenly that didn’t seem to matter. Snatching up the heart, he brought it to his lips. “Grizz,” he said, then he kissed it.

  “What are you doing?” Grizz demanded.

  Vernon picked up the pencil from the floor.

  “Taking care of business,” Vernon said. “See, this heart now belongs to you.”

  He drove the tip of the pencil into the centre of the heart-shaped piece of cloth, piercing it. The effect was instantaneous (which, coincidentally, was another of Lisa Marie’s favourite words). Grizz stumbled backwards clutching at his chest, the flames of his demon-magic flicking out one by one.

  There was a thud as Bearvis slid down the wall and hit the floor. He bounded up, ready for action, but the fight was already won. As Grizz toppled over, his furry body began to crumble into dust.

  “You haven’t heard the last of me,” Grizz wheezed. “I’ll be baaaaaaack!”

  In seconds, the bear became a pile of ash on the shop floor. Vernon stared down at it, breathing heavily, watching in case it should spring into life again. To his relief, it didn’t.

  “It’s over,” Vernon whispered. “We won.”

  “That we did, son!” Bearvis agreed. “That we did!”

  There was a crick from the window as a man-sized monster bear thudded a fist against the glass. Hundreds of other bears swarmed along behind him. Some of them hurled themselves at the window, while others rattled the door.

  “Oh no. Spoke too soon,” Vernon sobbed. “Lisa Marie, hurry up!”

  “Almost … there!” Lisa Marie replied.

  From the storeroom there came the sound of something
clicking into place. “Got it!”

  She hit the button on the hastily rebuilt machine. A flash of light rippled out from the device, passing straight through the walls and radiating off it in all directions.

  “Did it work?” she asked, leaning through the doorway.

  Over on the wall, the racks of empty teddy-bear skins jolted into life. They screeched and screamed as they flopped limply down on to the floor and began crawling in Vernon and Bearvis’s direction.

  Outside, the army of bears continued to hammer against the window.

  “No! That’s worse!” Vernon cried, kicking at one of the empty bear skins that was dragging itself towards him. “That’s much worse!”

  “One second!” Lisa Marie said, vanishing into the back again.

  There was a crash from the window as the glass gave way. Vernon and Bearvis scrabbled backwards as teddies poured in through the hole.

  “OK, I’ve got it!” said Lisa Marie, adjusting the controls. She raised a hand above the button that would activate it again, then stopped. “Wait!”

  Vernon and Bearvis retreated into the storeroom. Vernon pushed the door closed, but a blast from an alien ray gun disintegrated it.

  “Wait for what? Hurry up!” he shrieked.

  Lisa Marie turned to the King. “If I do this, you’ll be a teddy again,” she said. “A normal teddy, I mean. You won’t be alive.”

  Bearvis nodded. “I guess that’s true, little darlin’,” he said. “But it’ll be worth it to keep y’all safe.”

  The bears were almost in the room now. There was nowhere left to run.

  “We’re going to die!” Drake wailed.

  Bearvis placed a paw on Lisa Marie’s hand. “It’s now or never, honey,” he said, glancing down at the button.

  Lisa Marie swallowed back tears and nodded. “Thank you, Bearvis.”

  “Naw, thank you, darlin’,” he said. “Thank you very much.”

  He pushed her hand down on the button just as a werewolf bear launched itself at Vernon. A light, just like the one before, rippled out of the machine in all directions.

  The werewolf bear bounced off Vernon’s head and flopped to the ground. Its glassy eyes stared emptily up at the ceiling.

  Out in the shop, the army of teddies first fell silent, and then fell over. Vernon threw his hands above his head and cheered!

  “YES! We did it!”

  He spotted the sad look on Lisa Marie’s face. Bearvis was in her arms, as motionless as all the others. She wiped some flecks of dirt from his outfit, then smoothed down his fur.

  “You OK?” Vernon asked.

  Lisa Marie straightened up, took a deep breath and nodded. “Yes. I’m fine,” she said. “This is … good. It means that the machine worked. Everything is back to normal.”

  Vernon tapped his sister on the shoulder and pointed down at the floor. A furry brown bear with a bow on its head looked up at them. “I’m still a teddy!” Drake yelped. “Why am I still a teddy?”

  Lisa Marie bit her lip to stop herself laughing. “Well almost everything.”

  Lisa Marie followed her brother into the house. He carried the Stuff-U-Lator – or De-Stuff-U-Lator or whatever it now was – while Lisa Marie clutched Bearvis to her chest. They both stopped just inside the front door. Drake scurried along the garden path behind them, his little legs struggling to keep up.

  “Wait, wait for me,” he wheezed. He hopped up on to the front step, but found the entrance to the house blocked by Lisa Marie and Vernon’s feet. “Shift out of the way,” he said. “I can’t get in.”

  “You’re right,” nodded Vernon. “You can’t get in.”

  “We’re not letting you in,” Lisa Marie continued.

  The Drake bear looked up at them both and blinked. “What? But … what am I supposed to do?” he asked, his voice trembling. “How am I meant to explain this to my mum?”

  “What was it you said to me when you took my sweets?” said Lisa Marie. “Oh yes. ‘That is your problem, not mine’.”

  “Maybe you can hang out in your garden with all the gnomes,” Vernon suggested. He and Lisa Marie both gave Drake a warm, friendly smile, and then closed the door in his face.

  When they were alone in the darkened hallway, Vernon turned to his sister. “What are we going to do about Mum and Dad?” he asked. “How are we going to get them changed back?”

  “I don’t know.” Lisa Marie sighed. “And those poor police officers are probably still stuck as a cat and a dog.”

  Vernon shrugged. “They weren’t very nice, though.”

  “True,” Lisa Marie agreed.

  Vernon pushed open the door to the living room and stepped inside. Something went squish beneath his bare foot and squidged up through his toes. “Ew,” he grimaced. “Why’ve I just stepped in a jellyfish?”

  There was a thud from upstairs, followed by muffled voices. The muffled voices were followed, in turn, by panicked shouting.

  “Vernon? Lisa Marie?” they heard Mum cry. “Where are you? What’s going on?!”

  A wide grin spread across Lisa Marie’s face. Henrietta had become a jellyfish and the jellyfish had become a damp splodge on the carpet. Killing the witch had broken her spell!

  Vernon smiled back at Lisa Marie. “You know something, sis?” he whispered. “I think everything’s going to be OK.”

  “Maybe,” said Lisa Marie. “But I keep thinking about what Grizz said.”

  “What, ‘Raargh, I’m going to kill you’?”

  Lisa Marie smiled. “No, not that bit. He said Josh – the shopkeeper – stole the machine. He didn’t build it.”

  “So?”

  “So who did build it?” asked Lisa Marie. “And why?”

  Vernon shrugged. “Dunno. Does it matter?”

  Lisa Marie gazed up at the ceiling. She could hear Mum and Dad moving around upstairs. They’d be down soon, full of questions. Lisa Marie and Vernon were going to have a lot of explaining to do.

  “Not sure. Maybe not,” Lisa Marie said. She sat on the couch and placed Bearvis on her lap.

  “Maybe we shouldn’t have just left Drake like that,” she said. “It wasn’t very nice.”

  “Well he wasn’t a very nice guy,” Vernon replied, sitting beside her. She leaned against his shoulder, and for probably the first time ever, he didn’t mind. “He got what he deserved.”

  Lisa Marie wasn’t sure if anyone deserved what had happened to Drake. She should probably try to turn him back, although that would have to wait. For now, there was something more important to do.

  She reached into her coat pocket and pulled out the scorched remains of Bearvis’s cape. “I don’t know about you, but I’m just glad we survived all the way to the denouement,” she told her brother, as she tied the cape in place around the teddy’s neck. It looked just right.

  Vernon leaned back and looked at her. “What’re you on about now?” he said, “What does that mean?”

  “Denouement?” his sister replied. “Come on, that’s an easy one.”

  “No, it’s not. Just tell me!”

  Lisa Marie smiled and gave the King a hug.

  “It means,” she said, “the end.”

  Copyright

  STRIPES PUBLISHING LTD

  An imprint of The Little Tiger Group

  1 Coda Studios, 189 Munster Road,

  London SW6 6AW

  First published as an ebook by Stripes Publishing in 2018

  Text copyright © Barry Hutchison, 2018

  Illustrations copyright © Lee Cosgrove, 2018

  eISBN: 978–1–78895–002–2

  The right of Barry Hutchison and Lee Cosgrove to be identified as the author and illustrator of this work respectively has been asserted by them in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988.

  All rights reserved.

  Apart from any use permitted under UK copyright law, this publication may only be reproduced, stored, or transmitted, in any forms, or by any means, with prior permission in writ
ing of the publishers or, in the case of reprographic production, in accordance with the terms of licences issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency.

  A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

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