Should Have Been Her Child

by Stella Bagwell

  “I don’t want to—take up that much of your time,” she reasoned.

  “You’ve already said that.” While he eased his long frame into the leather chair behind his desk, he gestured for her to do his bidding. “So why don’t you let me be the one to worry about my time?”

  She was on his turf now. If she tried to resist him too much, she’d only wind up making a fool out of herself, she decided. And it probably would be better to take Jess sitting down. He’d always had a bad habit of weakening her knees.

  “Now,” he said after she’d made herself comfortable on the wooden chair. “What were you wanting to see Deputy Redwing about?”

  Victoria forced herself to meet his gaze. And just like three days ago, she felt jolted all the way to her toes. “About the body, of course.”

  His gray eyes flicked keenly over her face, then dropped to her thin yellow sweater and on down to where her crossed legs were exposed by the slit in her brown skirt. He was the only man who knew what she looked like beneath her clothing and she could only hope that time had dimmed his memory.

  “What about it?” he asked.

  She released an impatient breath. “What’s happening in the investigation? Have you found out anything?”

  Crossing his arms across his chest, Jess leaned back in the chair and continued to study her for several long seconds. “Funny, you didn’t think there was anything to get in a stew about a few days ago when we found the body. Now you’re wanting answers.”

  Her nostrils flared as she tried to hold on to her temper. Back in the days when she and Jess were a couple, she’d not even possessed a temper. But then he’d never done anything to hurt or anger her. That hadn’t happened until he’d gotten the wild idea to tear off to Texas.

  “I still don’t think there’s anything…sinister about the man’s death,” she said. “As a matter of fact, I’m not the one wanting the information. It’s my patients.”

  One brow arched with sarcasm. “That’s a good one, Victoria. Better than most I hear.”

  His mocking attitude caused her lips to purse with disapproval. “It’s true, Jess. I can’t—these past few days in my clinic have been—well, do you know what it’s like trying to tell a man what he should be eating to lower his cholesterol while he’s asking me what the sheriff’s department is doing about the poor fella they found on the T Bar K?”

  A bland smile crossed his features. “I’m sure it’s just as frustrating as people coming in here trying to tell me how to do my job.”

  “But you have the choice of telling them to leave. I don’t.”

  His expression didn’t soften. “You have a mouth. Use it. Explain that the poor fella who died on the T Bar K is none of their business. That should be easy enough.”

  She passed a hand over her forehead and realized as she did that her fingers were trembling and beads of sweat had popped out on her skin.

  Signs of fatigue, she told herself. Which shouldn’t surprise her. She’d had little rest these past few nights. Sleep had come in fitful snatches while her dreams had been tortured with images of the man sitting across from her. She had to get a grip on herself. She couldn’t go on like this.

  “Twenty-five times a day?” she asked dryly, then her eyes narrowed as something he’d just said struck her. “You said the man who died on the T Bar K. Do you know for a fact that he died there? Or was he dumped on the ranch afterwards?”

  Her questions caused him to lean forward and prop his elbows atop the desk. Even with several inches separating them, Victoria could feel his presence. Strong. Virile. And unyielding. Those things that had once attracted her to Jess were now the very things that unsettled her the most.

  “If the body had been dumped, then there could only be one conclusion. And that would be murder. But, I was merely making conversation, not stating facts.” He continued to regard her with mild suspicion. “Why? Do you know something I don’t?”

  She made an impatient gesture with her hand. “I came to you for answers, Jess. Not the other way around.”

  “If I remember correctly, you came here to see Deputy Redwing. That’s what I heard you telling Sharon.”

  He was playing cat and mouse with her. Teasing her with words and phrases when all along he knew every thought that was flitting through her head. Damn him.

  “I did ask to see Deputy Redwing,” she admitted. “I figured he’d be much easier to get answers from than you. And it looks as though I figured right.”

  To her amazement, he chuckled. “Don’t bet on it. Daniel is kinda like me. He likes to keep things under his hat. And he’s very stubborn if anyone tries to persuade him otherwise. Including beautiful women.”

  That last she desperately tried to ignore, but the foolish, feminine side of her couldn’t help wondering if he really did think of her as beautiful. At one time she’d believed he had. He’d sworn she was everything to him.

  The two of them had met by happenchance. She’d been finishing up the last of her internship at a Farmington hospital. During a drive home for the weekend a perfectly good tire had blown and very nearly caused her to wreck the car.

  She’d been trying to lift the spare out of the trunk when a police car had pulled up behind her. The officer on duty had been Jess and the sight of his tall, muscular frame and rugged face had instantly bowled her over. While he’d changed the tire, he’d repeatedly called her Ms. Ketchum and she’d continually watched the strong muscles in his arms and shoulders ripple beneath his uniform as he strained to loosen and tighten lug nuts.

  It had been Victoria who’d taken the initiative and suggested they should get together later, when he wasn’t posing as a lawman. He’d laughed and told her he wasn’t posing. He was a lawman. And always would be.

  After that day, the two of them had become almost inseparable. The attraction between them had been instant and fiery. She’d wanted to spend every spare minute with him and he with her. Suddenly her plans to simply be a small-town doctor had changed to a small-town doctor with a family. As for Jess, he’d sworn she was the only woman he would ever love. The only woman he would ever want to make a life with. And she’d believed him.

  Saddened by the precious memories, Victoria rose to her feet. “I’m hardly a femme fatale, Jess. And I can see my coming here was a mistake.”

  She took one step toward the door before he was instantly on his feet, blocking her exit. “Why?” he asked, his voice quietly demanding. “Does seeing me again bother you that much?”

  Yes, she wanted to scream. Everything about him, from his musky male scent to his rugged features, made her ache with bitter loss.

  Her gaze lifted to scan his face. “This conversation is pointless.”

  A tiny grin tugged at the corners of his lips. “I don’t know about that,” he drawled. “I’m learning lots of things from this meeting.”

  Feeling more than exposed, she folded her arms against her breasts. “Like what?”

  Amusement deepened the lines bracketing his mouth. “Like you’re not nearly as indifferent to me as you want to believe.”

  The air whooshed from her lungs. “Dream on.”

  One step brought him so close that the front of his starched shirt was almost brushing the tips of her breasts. Inside, Victoria trembled like a little lost dogie in a snowdrift.

  “I don’t have to dream,” he countered arrogantly. “I kissed you the other day, remember? You didn’t exactly resist.”

  Her face flamed as heat rushed from the soles of her feet all the way to her scalp. “That was a purely physical reaction!”

  His brows lifted mockingly. “You analyze all your kisses that way, Doc?”

  She didn’t have any kisses to analyze. But she wasn’t about to admit such a thing to him. She didn’t want him to learn that after him, she’d forsaken men. She wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of knowing he’d ruined any chances of her loving another man.

  “I didn’t come here to discuss kisses!” she said, her voice rising wi
th each word. “I came here to see if you’d made any progress on finding out the identity of the body!”

  Unaffected by her outburst, he said in a voice that could only be described as a purr, “If you ask me, I think the kissing is much more interesting.”

  Her teeth ground together as her gaze whipped over his leering face. “Why? I’m sure a man like you has all sorts of women to discuss such frivolous things with.”

  His features twisted with even more sarcasm. “Yeah, but me and my…women don’t have a past like you and I do.”

  To her horror, tears were suddenly collecting in her throat, sending a fiery ball of pain to the middle of her chest. “Our past—is forgotten,” she said tightly.

  The taunting expression on his face suddenly disappeared and before she realized his intentions, his hands were on her shoulders, their warmth radiating up the sides of her neck and down her arms.

  “Not for me, Tori.”

  “Why?” she whispered huskily. “There can be no good in us remembering.”

  His fingers tightened perceptively. “Something happens to a man when he’s rejected by the woman he loves. It flattens his self-worth. It makes him keep wondering why.”

  Victoria couldn’t continue to look at him. It hurt too much. Instead, she turned her back to him and drew in a ragged breath that seared her lungs. “We both know you never loved me, Jess. So don’t try to act like the injured soul.”

  A tense, pregnant moment passed. Finally he said in a soft, accusing voice, “You don’t know anything about me. I don’t believe you ever did.”

  She swallowed, struggling to push down the tears that continued to scald her throat. “I know enough. I know that if you’d really wanted me, you wouldn’t have let me go. You wouldn’t have walked away. And you wouldn’t have waited four years to come back.”

  Behind her, Jess closed his eyes while silently cursing himself. He shouldn’t be saying any of this to her. She was right. All that had happened between them was over. Long in the past. Yet in his heart their affair was as fresh as the scent of flowers on her skin.

  “Maybe I was waiting on you to come to me,” he countered.

  Gasping softly, she whirled to face him. “That’s a lie. If I heard correctly, you got married not long after you went to El Paso.”

  Shadows flickered in his gray eyes as he tried to tamp down a barrage of bitter emotions. “After a few months I had to accept you weren’t ever going to change. Or leave your daddy. I had to get on with my life.”

  Back then, the news of Jess’s marriage had very nearly destroyed Victoria. Even now the idea crushed her with loss and regret. She’d desperately wanted to marry him, be his wife and make their home on the Hastings ranch. But then he’d gotten the chance to join the border patrol and suddenly it was more important for him to go to Texas than to stay in New Mexico with her.

  Looking back on it now, Victoria could see he’d been testing her, forcing her to choose between going with him or staying behind with her father. No woman should be forced to make such a choice, she thought sadly. Either option was going to make her a loser. And it had. She’d not only lost Jess, but now her father was gone from her life, too.

  “Is that why you haven’t spoken to me since you’ve come back to San Juan County?” she asked him. “Because your wife would be jealous? Or did you ever tell her about me?”

  He stared at her, his brow puckered with a bewildered frown. “Don’t tell me you haven’t heard?”

  Victoria shook her head as a strange premonition washed over her. “Heard what? That you’re divorced? That doesn’t surprise me. You certainly aren’t behaving as if you’re a married man.”

  The frown on his face deepened and she watched him swallow convulsively as he glanced away from her. “My wife and I divorced more than a year ago. But since then Regina was killed.”

  Stunned, Victoria stared at him. Why hadn’t Alice or Will told her, she wondered. Had he ordered them not to? “I—I’m sorry. I didn’t know,” she murmured brokenly. “How? When?”

  He turned his gaze back to her and Victoria decided his features looked as though they were carved from stone. “Seven months ago. In a car accident. She had our daughter with her at the time. But thank God Katrina wasn’t even scratched.”

  His daughter! Jess had a child?

  The room around her tilted as shock drained every ounce of color from her face. In a drawn voice, she asked, “You…have a daughter?”

  He nodded and, for the first time since she’d seen him again, there was a real smile on his face.

  “Yes, I have a daughter. Her name is Katrina,” he answered. “She just turned two-and-a-half.”

  Victoria’s gaze fell to the floor as painful emotions slammed at her from all directions. Of course it was a logical thing for him to have a child. He’d been a married man. But in her heart Jess wasn’t supposed to have a daughter or son! Not without her.

  “Congratulations,” she said quietly, then glancing back up at him she tried to smile, but she could feel her lips quivering from the effort. Hopefully, he wouldn’t notice her jerky smile or the dull pain in her eyes. “You must be very proud.”

  Jess stepped behind the desk and picked up a small, wooden framed photograph. “She was a few months younger here,” he said, handing the photo to Victoria. “She’s grown quite a bit since then.”

  Victoria studied the little round face topped with a thick thatch of golden-red curls. Baby teeth gleamed behind her impish grin. She resembled Jess in coloring and the shape of her features.

  Staring down at the baby girl’s image, Victoria could only wonder how a child of his and hers would have looked. Like this one? Or would it have taken after her with the Ketchum’s dark hair and blue-green eyes? Don’t think about it, she scolded herself. Jess made his choice and it wasn’t making a life with you.

  She handed the photo back to him. “She’s very beautiful, Jess.”

  With a humble smile, he nodded. “Katrina wasn’t planned. But she’s definitely a blessing.”

  Victoria watched him place the photo back on his desktop. “It must be…very hard trying to raise a little girl without a mother.”

  “Ma helps. And the women who run the small day care over by Cedar Hill are very good with her. I realize it’s not the same, but—” Once again he came back around the desk to stand in front of her. “Regina never was much of a mother to Katrina anyway. After our divorce I was awarded custody.”

  Questions buzzed in Victoria’s head, but she didn’t voice them. To ask any more about his personal life these past four years would be admitting that she was still interested. And she wasn’t! She couldn’t be. Not and keep her senses intact.

  “And that’s the way you wanted it? To have total custody?”

  He looked puzzled and more than a little offended at her question. “I understand you think of me as a—something lower than pond scum, but I do love my daughter, Victoria. I don’t want anyone raising her but me.”

  Frustrated that he’d misunderstood, Victoria shook her head. “I didn’t mean—some men love their children very much but find they can’t cope with raising them alone. Especially babies. I’m honestly glad it’s different for you.”

  Deciding she couldn’t take any more talk about Jess’s child, she started toward the door, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll let you get back to work.”

  Once again Jess was quick to block her path. Tilting her head back, she looked up at him and was instantly caught off guard by the intimate questions swirling in his gray eyes.

  “Why did you come here today, Tori?” he asked softly. “Really?”

  Her mouth fell open, then closed as the sound of his voice, the nearness of his body, pulled on her like a sensual rope. It didn’t make sense that she could still want this man, she told herself frantically. He was a heartache just waiting to happen all over again.

  “I told you,” she answered. “To talk to Deputy Redwing.”

  Mockery twisted his rugged fe
atures. “This is the sheriff’s department. My office is here. You didn’t think there was a chance of running into me?”

  Lifting her chin, she said, “I knew there was a chance. But you’re not the plague. Even if I do happen to cross your path, I’m not going to catch anything deadly. And anyway, I’m a doctor. I can cure most common afflictions.”

  He suddenly chuckled and the warm sound whirled her back to happier times. Back when all Jess had seemed to want was to have her in his arms.

  “I’ll remember that. Just in case I come down with one,” he taunted, then almost instantly his expression turned serious. “As for your earlier questions, I don’t have any news on the corpse. It was taken to a state forensics lab in Albuquerque for further investigation.”

  She was surprised and grateful that he’d decided to at least tell her this much about the case. “How long do you expect that to take?”

  He shrugged. “There’s no way of knowing. It depends on how busy they are down there. And, of course, on the types of tests run. Which, considering the condition of the remains, will probably be several. So I wouldn’t plan on hearing anything for a while.”

  She nodded. “Being a doctor, I know how slow-going some tests can be,” she said, then with a sigh, she added, “In the meantime, I can only hope my patients will get all this gossiping out of their system.”

  “What are they saying?”

  Victoria let out a long sigh. “Nothing in particular. Most of them are asking questions rather than expressing an opinion on the matter. But I will say all of them seem to have faith in you and Sheriff Perez.”

  Humor glinted in his eyes. “That’s good to know.”

  She regarded him closely as she was struck with more questions. “There hasn’t been anyone able to give you any sort of information or clues? What about missing persons? Did you check with Farmington? Bloomfield? Dulce?”

  “Nothing from missing persons fits this case,” he said, then seeing the worry on her face, he asked, “Why are you so concerned about this thing, Victoria? Is there something you haven’t told me?”