Somebody to Die For

by Kris T. Bethke

  THE morning was filled with meetings, and Jameson had a two-hour-long debrief with the director herself. He kept expecting Avery to show up at any moment, so he was constantly glancing around. With every minute Avery didn’t appear, Jameson’s tension ratcheted up a notch.

  When the lunch break rolled around, Jameson headed straight for the cafeteria. He got his own lunch and a piece of cheesecake and headed for the back corner where he and Avery had met up before. Jameson was sure Avery would walk in and join him, but the break finished without an appearance.

  That’s when Jameson started to worry.

  He got rid of his half-eaten lunch—he’d lost his appetite as the nerves coiled in his stomach—and grabbed a to-go box for the cheesecake. He couldn’t stand the thought of tossing it out. Then he strode from the room and headed back down to the seventh floor. Trainees were already starting to gather, waiting for the afternoon ghostwalking session to commence, but Jameson didn’t pay them any mind. When Gabriela tried to get his attention, he ignored her completely.

  He found Sam Jones clustered with a small group of people, his anchor at his side, and he strode right over. He knew Sam was dating Michael King, and since Mr. King was Avery’s close friend, Jameson thought it was a pretty good bet Sam would know where Avery was. Not wanting to interrupt an obviously serious discussion, he hovered just out of earshot until he saw an opening.

  “Pardon me for interrupting,” he said as he closed the distance. “Sam? Can I speak with you for a moment?”

  Sam looked up at him, opened his mouth, and then closed it. He nodded and gestured for Jameson to follow him into one of the nearby empty rooms.

  “Where is he?” Jameson asked without preamble.

  Sam’s expression softened. “He isn’t here.”

  Jameson let out a frustrated sound. “I know that. I’ve been waiting for him, looking. I want to know where he is.”

  It took Sam a very long moment to answer. “Jameson, Avery headed back to New Jersey this morning.”

  “He… what?” Jameson’s heart pounded hard in his chest. He shook his head, sure he must have misunderstood.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you didn’t know. He rescheduled his lecture to next week and went home.”

  “Is he okay?” Jameson demanded, his tone harsh. He blew out a breath and did his best to rein in his worry. He needed to think before he spoke. “I’m sorry. I’m just worried.”

  “I can see that. And yes, he’s all right.” Sam leaned a hip against one of the tables. “Avery came to our house this morning, talked with Michael for a few minutes, and then headed back home. Michael assured me he was doing okay.”

  “Then why did he leave?” Jameson’s mind raced. “I should have woken him up when I left. I should have talked to him. Yesterday was difficult, and I just left him—”

  “Jameson,” Sam interrupted gently. “This isn’t about what you did or didn’t do. You did exceptionally well yesterday.”

  “I don’t care about me. I care about him. I need to know he’s okay.”

  “He is. I promise.” Sam shook his head, but he offered a little smile. “Honestly, I think he’s working through some things.”

  “I don’t even have his number,” Jameson said absently. He rubbed the back of his neck and blew out a breath. “I left him a note, but I didn’t think about giving him my number because I thought I’d see him in a few hours.”

  Sam studied him for a long moment without saying anything. Then his smiled widened.

  “I just have to say two things. First, you have improved so much in the past few weeks, and the care and concern you’re showing means I’ll be giving you a very favorable review when the time comes.” Sam held up a hand when Jameson opened his mouth. “No. It needs to be said. I know you don’t care about that right now, and that’s probably the thing that speaks the best about you. You need to know you’re doing a good job.”

  Jameson nodded, even though at that moment, he didn’t care in the least about his job or his training. “Thank you.”

  “And the second thing is that Avery is an adult who makes his own choices. And that doesn’t reflect on you. Okay? Just keep doing what you’re doing, show him you’re there for him, and it’ll work out.”

  Jameson wasn’t so sure, but he nodded again. “Okay.”

  “We need to get started, so we’ll have to table this for now. I’d like you to help Shauni as she cares for Lucy today.” Sam straightened up. “Since Lucy had such a hard time yesterday, they’re both a little shaken. But Lucy is determined, and we think it’s best they get right back to it. And I think Shauni can use the support.”

  Jameson’s mind shifted. He couldn’t quite forget his worry for Avery, but he pushed it back so he could focus on what needed to be done.

  “Of course. I’m happy to help.”

  “I know. And we appreciate it. Thank you.”

  Jameson followed Sam out of the room and then across the lobby to the “death room,” as his home group affectionately called it. Most everyone was already there, and Dom gave them both a nod and a smile as they entered.

  “Let’s get started,” Dom said to the room at large. “Get centered so we can get this show on the road.”

  Jameson took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Then he crossed the room to speak with Lucy and Shauni. They both needed him right then, and that was where his focus needed to be. But as everyone began to settle in, Jameson couldn’t help but glance at the chair Avery had used the day before.

  WHEN the door opened, all of the anchors looked up. The ghostwalkers had only been in for about forty-five minutes, and it was too soon for Director Johnson to pull anyone back. They were all too new at it to have accomplished their task so soon. But it wasn’t Johnson at the door.

  It was Blake Jones.

  Dom half stood up, but Blake waved him back down and glanced around until his gaze landed on Jameson. Then he motioned him over, and Jameson immediately stood and jogged across the floor. Worry coalesced in his gut.

  The moment they stepped into the hall, Blake handed him a phone. “It’s for you.”

  Jameson shot him a confused look, but Blake pushed the phone at him, so he took it and lifted it to his ear.

  “Hello?”

  “Jamie.”

  Jameson sagged in relief and leaned against the wall for support as Avery’s voice washed over him.

  “I told you I’m not really a Jamie.”

  Avery’s small chuckle sounded good. “I know. And you aren’t. But it was funny.”

  In truth Jameson didn’t care what Avery called him, as long as Avery was talking. “Are you all right?”

  “I’m fine.”

  Jameson squinted and turned his back on Blake. He was vaguely aware of soft footsteps, and he glanced back to see Blake walking a few feet away to give them privacy.

  “Why’d you bolt?” Jameson asked bluntly, though he kept his tone soft.

  There was silence from the other end. Finally Avery blew out a breath. “I needed to be home for a bit.”

  “Okay,” Jameson said slowly. “I can understand that. But I was worried. Yesterday—” He shook his head, even though Avery couldn’t see. “I am worried. You had a hard time, and I want to make sure you’re recovering well. But I can’t do that if you run away from me.”

  Avery laughed again, though that time it had far less humor. “God, you’re going to make a great anchor. You already are.”

  Jameson’s posture stiffened. “This isn’t about anchoring. This is about my feelings for you.” Crap. He hadn’t meant to say that. He quickly qualified it because he didn’t want to scare Avery away. “You’re my friend, and after what you went through yesterday, I need to make sure your health and well-being are taken care of.”

  “I know.” Even though the words were barely more than a whisper, Jameson heard the truth in it. Avery really did understand. “Can I be honest?”

  “I wish you would.”

  “I’m not okay,”
Avery said softly. “But I will be. And that’s all down to you.”

  Jameson’s heart gave a painful thump at hearing that Avery wasn’t okay. His mind raced, and he made plans to get in his car and drive to New Jersey. It didn’t matter that he didn’t know where Avery lived. He’d find out somehow.

  But then the rest of Avery’s words penetrated his brain, and his thoughts ground to a halt.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I need….” Avery blew out an explosive breath. “You took care of me yesterday in exactly the way I needed. It was perfect, but it brought up some things I thought were buried and gone. My head is a mess.”

  “I could help you,” Jameson said, and he didn’t even care there was a note of pleading in his voice.

  He heard the smile when Avery spoke again. “You can’t. But I love that you think so. I need to deal with this on my own.”

  The heartbreak in Avery’s voice nearly did him in. He breathed quietly as he tried to find the right words to make Avery understand. But he didn’t have any, and that was the hardest thing to admit.

  “I wish you’d let me. I care about you and….” Jameson didn’t say anything more, because if he did, he knew it would be a step too far.

  Avery cleared his throat. “I heard about how concerned you were, so I wanted to talk to you to let you know I’m okay.”

  “But you’re not.”

  “I will be. I promise.” Avery’s voice held conviction, and that helped settled Jameson, if only a little. “And I’ll see you soon.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yes. And Jameson?”

  “What?”

  “Thank you for your worry. For your friendship. For… letting me be me yesterday. I really needed that.”

  “Whatever you need, I’ll give you,” Jameson promised fervently.

  “I know.” Avery’s voice was quiet, and he made a noise. Jameson wasn’t sure if it was a good sound or a bad one, and his heart cracked a little further.

  “I need to go. But thank you,” Avery said again.

  “Thank you for calling,” Jameson said sincerely. “And I’ll see you soon?”

  “Yes.”

  “Okay.”

  An awkward silence hung between them, and then they both said goodbye and hung up.

  Jameson leaned harder against the wall. What the hell? Part of him was glad Avery called, and it helped that he knew Avery was functioning, if not exactly okay. But the other part was even more worried about him. There was something in his voice, a fragility, that made Jameson want to hold him tight and never let him go.

  It went beyond just physical attraction, though Jameson acknowledged to himself that it had something to do with it. He wanted Avery in the most basic sense. He didn’t deny that. But he cared for Avery too, wanted to know him better and support him through whatever was going on with him. Jameson had some guesses, but he wouldn’t presume, especially not when some of it was wishful thinking on his part.

  If Avery said he needed space, then Jameson would give that to him. Even if it went against every fiber of his being. He had to trust Avery. He didn’t have a choice.

  Jameson took a deep breath and straightened up. He’d think about the whole thing later, when he could devote himself to the task. Right then, Blake was waiting for his phone back, and being very polite about the whole thing, and Shauni was counting on him.

  He returned Blake’s phone with a heartfelt thank-you and headed back into the room, determined to do the best he could. When Avery came back to Duncan Moor, he’d sort things out. Until then, Jameson had a job to do.

  Chapter Fourteen

  THERE were about seventeen things Avery could and should be doing. But instead he sat on the sunporch, stretched out on a wicker chaise, and stared at the setting sun. The photo album that lay open in his lap showed him and Luke, beaming at each other and full of love.

  That was their wedding day.

  As he stared at his new husband, Avery had never felt anything like what he felt for Luke. He remembered thinking that there was no way he could ever feel anything even close for anyone else when he vowed to love, honor, and cherish Luke until death tore them apart. And even though it had, Avery had been sure, all the way to his bones, that until death came for him too, he’d never love anyone else.

  He’d betrayed Luke.

  Avery wasn’t in love with Jameson. That was ridiculous. They didn’t know each other well enough for that. But Jameson had shown Avery his heart, and he was sweet and caring, concerned and wonderful. And Avery knew, without a doubt, that when Jameson said “friends,” he really meant much more. Even Avery couldn’t mistake the looks, or the tone behind Jameson’s words. Avery’s willful ignorance of that fact didn’t change it.

  But after three days alone with nothing but his thoughts, Avery realized he wanted Jameson back, that the affection he felt for him went beyond friendship. The jealousy he felt when he thought about Jameson anchoring somebody else was not because Avery missed being cared for, but because he was jealous that someone else would get Jameson’s care. When he looked at Jameson, he wasn’t just appreciating a handsome man in an objective manner. He found him attractive—thoroughly and devastatingly handsome.

  And that was how he’d betrayed Luke.

  He needed to put a stop to it right away, stop feeling what he was feeling, never act on it. He couldn’t do that to himself, and more importantly, he couldn’t do that to Luke. If Luke were here, they’d still be loving and living and happy. Just because Luke wasn’t didn’t mean Avery got to move on.

  He wouldn’t move on.

  He didn’t want to.

  THE next morning, Avery found himself at the cemetery without having had the conscious thought to go there. He glared down at his car, as though it somehow had driven there on its own. That was stupid, but a restless night made Avery’s brain work at less than optimal levels.

  He wasn’t exactly surprised that he’d wound up there. He’d been thinking about Luke and how his new and confusing feelings for Jameson went against everything he’d promised.

  With a sigh Avery pushed open the door and climbed out. For a long moment, he just stood and allowed the breeze to tug at his hair. It was a bright, clear day, if a little cool—the kind of day Luke had loved. The thought made him smile.

  Though Avery didn’t come there often, he had no trouble finding his way to Luke’s grave. It was as he remembered, as it had been when he visited in the spirit plane, and without a thought for his pants, Avery sat down on the grass. He cleared a few dried leaves and a bit of dead grass from in front of the marker.

  “I know you’re not here,” Avery said aloud. He looked up and glanced around, but there was nobody there, but he was sure that a lot of people spoke to their loved ones’ graves.

  The practice was a little silly, especially if you knew that your loved one had crossed over and was no longer lingering on the spirit plane. And Avery knew that more than most people did. But there he was anyway, talking to a marble stone.

  Avery turned around and leaned against it. Luke had always liked to hold him from behind when they were having conversations. It seemed appropriate that he’d be most comfortable leaning against Luke’s headstone now.

  “The thing is….” Avery blew out a breath. “I know what you’d say. I have no doubt you’d tell me to just… embrace my feelings for Jameson and run at it full force. See what happens. But I was never as brave as you.”

  Avery went quiet and listened to the wind. Somewhere nearby a bird chirped. It was peaceful, and the traffic sounds were barely discernable over the rustle of the leaves.

  “You’d tell me I wasn’t betraying you, that I was still here and I should love again with everything I have. And six months ago, I would have told you that you were crazy. Because you were my whole heart, and there wasn’t room for anyone else.” Avery choked on a little sob, but it didn’t overwhelm him. He allowed the sadness to wash through him and out.

  “I didn’t think I�
�d ever feel romantic attraction again. But maybe now….” Avery sighed and tilted his head to watch a huge cloud move lazily across the sky. “Hell, I don’t know. I’m going to lose him too, one day, either because we don’t work out, or because we do and then he dies. I care about him. Care for him. But he is young. Is it worth a try?”

  Avery shook his head. There was a part of him that wanted to see if the spark he felt for Jameson could lead to anything more. But was it too big a risk? Was it too soon? Was there even a timeline?

  Four years had passed since Luke died, and six months since Avery could talk about Luke without feeling as though he were being ripped apart. But maybe his heart had healed enough to expand, to include someone else in there, along with Luke.

  Jameson felt like he might fit.

  Avery stood up and brushed off the seat of his pants. Just yesterday he’d been ready to ignore the whole thing. He’d even contemplated not going back to Duncan Moor as long as Jameson was still in the program there. Long into the night, he thought of and dismissed several excuses that would get him out of going back until after this training class was done. But that wasn’t fair to either of them.

  Besides, Avery wouldn’t know unless he actually talked to Jameson.

  His heart pounded at the thought. He’d never been as brave as Luke, but that didn’t mean he was a coward. He wasn’t one to back down from a challenge and usually faced them head-on. When Michael called and asked him to help Blake and Derek as they navigated their new bond, he’d gone, even though he was scared. When Lucy was lost on the spirit plane, he’d been terrified of how it would affect him, but he’d gone in anyway.

  His heart was a more tender commodity, and he needed to tread lightly, but that didn’t mean he shouldn’t go at all. He needed to talk to Jameson, find out where his head was at and what he wanted. It could be that nothing would come of the conversation. Maybe Jameson didn’t want what he did—even if Avery wasn’t exactly sure what that was.