A Safe Place to Fall (Places Book 1)

by Barbara Doyle

  “No,” I said softly. “Thanks for offering, but it needs to be Aaron. We both deserve apologies from her. I called the ward, and they told me she’s been on a good path lately. She should be easier to talk to now that she’s on the right medications.”

  Katie stared at her soup.

  “Why are you making that face?”

  She looked back up at me. “I don’t want to see you get your expectations up. Blair, she might not think she needs to apologize for what she did in the past. I don’t think you should expect anything from her after all of these years. Some patients don’t think they did anything wrong.”

  “How would you know?”

  She shrugged. “I’ve read some books. I took a class in psychology when I was in college, and it was one of things we went over. I’m not saying that your mother doesn’t need to apologize, I’m just saying that there’s a chance she doesn’t feel it’s necessary. She could have repressed her memories or actions too. I read that—”

  “No offense, but I don’t really care about what you read in a textbook. You don’t know my mom. Hell, I barely know her as anything but a doped up psycho.”

  “Blair, come on—”

  “No!” I put the bowl down on the table. “I’m sorry, Kate, but I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I’m not saying you’re wrong, but I don’t want to think negatively about this visit.”

  She looked away from me. “Sorry.”

  “No,” I murmured. “I am.”

  I walked toward the front door.

  “Wait up,” she called, following me outside. “I know that you’re anxious to see her, and I know you don’t want me to go, but I think having somebody go with you is better than nobody. I’m sure it’ll be difficult for you, and I want to help.”

  “It’s Aaron I need.”

  “He needs you too,” she replied.

  “He says that, but then he does this to me.”

  She pulled me in for a hug. “I think he’s afraid. You know he’d never admit it, but avoiding your mother is how he keeps sane. Going with you might start breaking down the wall he built.”

  I pulled away. “He needs to know that I’m here for him if that happens though. Do you really think holding back will help him? Eventually he’s going to break, and that wall will never be strong enough to hold all the shit that comes his way. Do you want that for him?”

  She held my hands. “Of course I don’t! I love your brother more than anything else in the world. You know I can’t force him to do anything though. He needs to make his own decisions.”

  I sighed. She was right, which meant I was being selfish. Sure, I wanted Aaron to come along. Having him there would make things easier for me. Maybe going alone would be the best bet, that way Aaron wouldn’t feel obligated anymore.

  “Just have him call me when he gets back, kay?”

  She patted my shoulder and opened the door for me. “Will do, sis. If you change your mind about wanting me to tag along, shoot me a text. Okay?”

  I nodded and thanked her, leaving their house with another big decision to make. Was it worth seeing my mother alone after everything I went through? Would I be a stronger person? Or would just the sight of her put me back in the state of insanity that she left me in all those years ago?

  12

  “Honey, why don’t you help Mommy by setting the table?” Mom asked, tapping her lit cigarette against the ash tray on the counter.

  “What’s for dinner?”

  She looked down at me with tired eyes. “What do you think? Mommy is tired, baby. I ordered pizza again. You can have leftovers tomorrow.”

  I frowned at the idea of pizza again.

  “Well what are you standing there for?” she demanded, crossing her arms against her chest. “I am in no mood for you to disobey me. If your father was here…”

  She paused and took a deep breath.

  “But he’s not here anymore, is he?” she muttered, reaching for the bottle of wine in the cupboard. “Your daddy isn’t around anymore, is he? He left us. He left me. It’s a shame too.”

  Aaron walked in and grabbed my hand. “Knock it off, Mom, you’re going to upset her.”

  Mom stepped up and swatted Aaron’s face. “Don’t you dare tell me what to do, you nosey ass child. Your father would never put up with your crap.”

  My lip quivered. “Mommy, why did you hit him?”

  She glared at me. “That’s what you get for talking back to me. Understand? Never talk back to Mommy. I raised you better than that.”

  Aaron squeezed my hand. “Let’s go upstairs, B.”

  “Nobody is leaving this room until the table is set!”

  Aaron threw some paper plates onto the table and pulled me toward the doorway.

  Mom grabbed my other arm and yanked me backward, making me fall onto the tile floor. I cried in fear as Mom stood over me.

  “Quit it!” Aaron yelled, shoving her away. He pulled me up and pushed me toward the door so I wasn’t near our mother.

  Mom’s hands were shaking so bad, she went to grab the bottle of wine and dropped it on the floor. The glass shattered on the floor and the liquid went everywhere.

  Aaron looked at me. “Go upstairs, Blair!”

  I stared at him in horror.

  “Now!” he demanded.

  I ran up the stairs and just as the yelling started, so did the thunder. The house was dark from the storm that knocked out the electricity. The blankets were the only things that hid me from the lightning flashes that raged outside my bedroom window. There was more than just thunder that clapped close to home. There was screaming, arguing and crying.

  I knew it was her again. Aaron told me that she wasn’t feeling well, and her condition was getting worse. He told me that when she was having a breakdown I needed to stay in my room, so I went upstairs and hid under my comforter as soon as I heard them start yelling at each other downstairs.

  The rain was crashing against the roof, and the thunder was getting closer. Every time it clapped, I cringed and held tighter to my stuffed bear that my dad won me at the fair. He told me whenever I was scared Teddy would help. Teddy couldn’t help with the woman that Mom had become though.

  My door swung open the same time the next clap of thunder shook the house. I cried out when somebody grabbed me from under the covers and pulled me toward the edge of the bed.

  “Blair,” Mom cried over me as I sat on the floor from where she pulled me down from my bed.

  I stared at her through teary eyes, seeing the blood drip down her wrists. The gashes looked deep, and she looked paler the longer I stared at her. She grabbed Teddy and ripped one of his arms off.

  “Mommy, stop!” I yelled, standing up and trying to tear him away from her.

  She pushed me backward, making me slam my back into the corner of the nightstand. “You don’t deserve having this! I don’t have anything left of him. Why should you?”

  Tears flowed down my face.

  Aaron came running in and pushed her away from me. Blood trickled to the white carpet, leaving a pool next to my bed. Aaron grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the room.

  “Teddy!” I cried, reaching out to grab it from Mom.

  “You don’t need it, Blair. It’s Teddy or you.”

  “But Daddy—”

  “Daddy’s dead!” Mom screamed from my room.

  Aaron kept pulling me toward the stairs, and sirens blasted from down the street, getting louder the closer they came.

  Mom had never been this bad before, but Aaron told me it was only a matter of time before she lost it completely. I never believed him, because I only saw her as the woman who tucked me in every night or read to me before bed. Whoever was tearing apart the only piece of my father I had left wasn’t my mother.

  Aaron managed to get us outside when the police pulled into the driveway. It wasn’t until the headlights hit his shirt that I saw blood all over it. One officer took us in while three others stormed into our house. The paramedics parked
at the end of the driveway, rushing into the house with medical bags. There was screaming coming from my room, then silence.

  We were put into the police car when they got Mom out of the house. Aaron held my hand the whole time, trying to distract me from watching her be restrained on the gurney.

  That was the last time I saw my mother.

  I stood outside the doors of the mental ward, feeling the memories resurface in bigger fragments than usual. It was all coming back to me now that I was near her. This was the first time I’d see her since the day the police took her away.

  I jumped when a hand landed on my shoulder.

  “It’s just me,” Aaron said quietly.

  I turned around and hugged him so tightly he was struggling to breathe.

  “I take it you’re happy to see me?” he mused once I let go of him.

  “I didn’t think you were coming.”

  “I promised, didn’t I?”

  “Yeah but…”

  “I don’t like breaking promises,” he reminded me, as if I hadn’t already known that. “When Katie told me that you were going alone, I knew I couldn’t let you. I may have a lot of problems with Mom, but I couldn’t let you face her alone just because I was scared to.”

  I shot him a half grin. “So you finally admit that you’re afraid of something,” I teased, nudging his arm with mine.

  “I admitted that I was afraid of losing you,” he pointed out.

  “That’s not the same thing though,” I argued. “I think everybody is afraid to lose somebody in their lives. Most people have a lot they’re afraid of other than that, but you don’t act like it. We all know that you are afraid of some things, but it’s hard to figure out what. I just assumed Mom was one of them because of everything that happened.”

  He nodded slowly, looking distant as he stared at the entrance to the ward.

  “You’re absolutely positive that you want to do this, B? If you don’t, nobody is going to blame you. You don’t owe her anything.”

  “I know,” I assured him. “But she owes me. She owes the both of us, and I think she should acknowledge that. I don’t know what’s going to happen today, but it can’t be worse than what I’ve already gone through, right?”

  He laughed dryly. “You just jinxed yourself.”

  I shrugged. “My whole life is cursed enough to last a life time. Maybe today will reverse whatever bad voodoo that I managed to get trapped in.”

  He rolled his eyes. “You watch too many of those witchy medium shows.”

  I gasped dramatically. “There is no such thing as too much Long Island Medium. I’d like to point out that she is not a witch, and she does not cast voodoo. She simply speaks to the dead. So you’re point is moot.”

  “Whatever you say,” he returned dismissively.

  The same grey haired doctor that had me sign in earlier came over to us.

  “Is everybody here now, Miss. Summers?”

  I smiled at him. “Yes.”

  Aaron looked down at me. “How did you know I was going to show up?”

  I grabbed his hand and held it. “Because my big brother never lets me down when I need him most.”

  He fought back a smile. “Don’t get all sappy on me now.”

  I squeezed his hand. “Too late.”

  The doctor opened the door. “Are you ready?”

  Not even close.

  I gulped. “Yes,” I whispered.

  I looked at Aaron, who simply nodded.

  “Right this way.”

  Aaron kept me close by his side as we traveled down the narrow hallways. Every room we neared made butterflies form in my stomach. Which room was she in? How long until we got there? I wanted to be excited, but my nerves took over before I could try convincing myself that everything would be okay. I already did that on the drive over here.

  The doctor led us to the end of the hall and gestured toward the visiting center. It was an open room with window walls, probably for the visitors’ safety. There were three aids and a security guard scattered in the room, watching the patients socialize.

  “We’re not allowed to let visitors in the patient’s room,” he explained, reading my lost expression. “We do it for the safety of you. Not all patients here are a harm to others, but we do house a select few who are better off supervised when out and about. I hope you understand.”

  “It’s a good idea,” I told him, searching the area for my mother.

  “Tell me, Doc,” Aaron started. “How is she? The last time we saw her, she was in a bad condition. I’m sure you know that the last time we saw her ended with her almost dying of blood loss from the cuts she gave herself.”

  The doctor shoved his hands in his pants pocket. “I haven’t treated your mother, but I do know that she’s doing better than she was. I have a few colleagues that bring up her improvement compared to her first few months here.”

  “So she’s stable?” Aaron asked.

  He nodded. “I’m not saying that your mother is stable enough to be released, but she is stable enough to see the two of you. To be honest, I’m glad you came. She hasn’t had one visitor since she was put in here, and she hasn’t cared. I think seeing her children will help her realize that recovering will bring her closer to being able to live her life again outside these walls. Some patients needs a gentle reminder that life isn’t worth wasting. Their family and friends help them see that.”

  I looked at Aaron, knowing he wouldn’t believe our mother was one of those patients. She never liked being alone, but it seemed to me like that was all she wanted now. I knew they allowed patients to make phone calls. If she really wanted to speak to us, she would have.

  “So are you ready to go in?” the doctor asked.

  Aaron pressed his lips together and nodded, following the doctor into the large room, with me behind them.

  My eyes frantically looked for the woman I remembered from all of those years ago. It was hard to remember exactly what she looked like, because a lot could change in eleven years. Was her hair long or short? Was her skin frailer than the last time? Did she still have light brown hair, or was it white now? She wasn’t old by any means. She was only forty-seven. I heard stress could make you go whiter quicker though. I’d imagine this was a stressful place to be.

  Finally, my eyes settled on a familiar face.

  Aaron stopped walking, making me crash into him on accident. I collected myself and stared at the short-haired, tired-looking woman sitting by herself in the corner of the room. She was staring at her hands, clearly fidgeting like she couldn’t sit still. I had the same problem when I was nervous.

  “She hasn’t changed much,” I whispered to Aaron.

  “That’s not a good thing,” he muttered unhappily.

  She looked up then, locking eyes with me. I felt awkward just staring at her, but it was hard to grasp just how similar she looked. I knew eleven years could cause changes, but besides how skinny she was, she looked the same to me.

  At least there’s less blood now.

  I nudged my brother forward, making him stumble closer to the table. He looked over his shoulder and glared at me.

  The doctor patted Aaron’s shoulder. “There’s nothing to be worried about, Mr. Summers. She may not admit it, but she’s been waiting a long time for this moment.”

  “I still don’t think she deserves it,” he informed the doctor, causing me to swat his arm. She was in hearing distance, and the last thing I wanted was for her to cancel because she didn’t think we wanted to be here.

  I needed this, whether Aaron did or not.

  The doctor tipped his head. “A lot of people come in here and say that,” he replied calmly. “However, when they get a chance to talk to the people they’re coming to see, they begin to realize that forgiveness is healthier than hatred. Nobody can ever really move on from their problems unless they can manage to find forgiveness in the people that cause them. You’re not required to stay, but I’d at least try talking to her. Voice your concerns
. Although, I’d advise you to do it as gently as possible. She may be better than she was, but she’s still fragile inside.”

  He left us be then, giving both Aaron and I a comforting smile.

  “Can you just behave?” I pleaded. “I told you that you didn’t have to talk to her. Just be here for me. Can you do that?”

  “Do I have any other choice?”

  I shook my head. “Nope. You already chose to support me on this when you entered this building. That means that deep down, you wanted to see her just as much as me. You can say you’re doing it for me all you want, but I know you better than that.”

  “Okay, Doctor Phil,” he returned sarcastically.

  I rolled my eyes and walked toward our mother.

  She looked at me with clouded eyes. “B-Blair? Is that really you?”

  Her voice was so frail and unfamiliar to me.

  “Yeah,” I answered, after clearing my throat.

  She looked at Aaron, who stood silently beside me.

  “Aaron?” she whispered.

  Silence.

  I pulled out the chair across from her and sat down, patting the seat beside me for Aaron. He stared at my mother’s wrists, which were scarred over from the cuts he’d witnessed her making eleven years ago. As soon as she realized what he was looking at, she tucked her wrists out of sight.

  Aaron sat down beside me, looking around the room. His eyes traveled everywhere but toward our mother, who looked like she desperately wanted both of our attention.

  “I was surprised when they told me you were coming,” she admitted quietly, looking down at the table.

  I looked at Aaron for a moment, trying to read his expression. Much like our mother’s, it was unsure. I knew it took a lot for him to come here, and it showed how much he cared. I just hoped he chose to participate in the conversation while we were here.

  “It was time,” I told her, knowing he wasn’t going to say anything. “There’s a reason why I came, though. For a long time, I blamed Dad for everything that you did. After you…went away, I refused to see him because I felt like if he hadn’t died, you wouldn’t have left us. I know how stupid that sounds, but that’s what I thought. It took me a while to finally see that he wasn’t the problem, and blaming him wouldn’t solve anything. It’s you that I need to solve things with. Ever since you left, bad things have been happening. Things that were out of my control. I need to move on from that, but I can’t. I need…”