Toad Heaven

by Morris Gleitzman

  Limpy stopped.

  A horrible thought had just hit him.

  A thought that made him want to weep with despair and squirt poison pus into every human scientist's lunch.

  “The virus germs,” he croaked. “We can't go back, or we might give them to Mum and Dad and the others.”

  There was a long silence.

  Charm and Goliath looked at each other.

  “Limpy,” said Charm quietly. “They might … they could …” She seemed to be having difficulty getting the words out. “Mum and Dad might already have the virus germs.”

  Limpy slumped at the thought.

  “I know,” he said. “The scientist's dog said they were going to try and spread them to all cane toads.”

  “I don't mean that,” said Charm. “I mean … I mean they might already have caught them from Malcolm.”

  Limpy staggered and sat down. His legs didn't feel as though they could hold him anymore.

  “Malcolm?” he croaked. “How?”

  “When Malcolm got back from pinching the map from the scientist,” said Charm, “he had a scabby lump on his back a bit like yours.”

  “Only his was bigger,” said Goliath. “And better-looking.”

  Limpy slowly digested this. The scientist must have injected Malcolm too. So Malcolm could pass the virus germs on to all the others. This was terrible. This was awful. This was the worst news of all.

  Mum and Dad with virus germs.

  The thought was so painful Limpy couldn't bear it.

  He realized dimly that his crook leg and his back lump were both throbbing. But not as much as his head.

  He looked at Charm and Goliath.

  “Why didn't you tell me?” he croaked.

  Charm and Goliath looked at each other again.

  Limpy could see how miserable they were.

  “When we saw your back and heard about the virus germs,” said Charm, “we weren't totally sure Malcolm's lump was the same.”

  “We thought it might just have been an infected pimple,” said Goliath. “Or an ingrown wart.”

  Charm gave a big sigh.

  “The truth is,” she said, “it was too painful and scary to think about. And we didn't want to upset you. There wasn't anything you could have done. Sometimes, Limpy, there isn't anything you can do.”

  Limpy dragged himself to his feet.

  “Yes there is!” he yelled. “It might not be too late. Mum and Dad might not have caught the germs yet. We can go back and find them and keep our distance and stick Goliath's mouth shut with sticky sap and warn them with flying beetles.”

  Limpy looked around wildly and saw a big log floating sluggishly past on the river.

  “Come on!” he shouted. “This river comes from the west. We can paddle ourselves back on it.”

  He flung himself off the bank and onto the log.

  “No!” yelled Goliath.

  “Limpy!” yelled Charm. “Don't!”

  This is incredible, thought Limpy furiously. They've kept quiet about the danger Mum and Dad are in, and now they don't even want to go and help.

  The log gave a lurch.

  Limpy struggled to keep his balance.

  He was starting to see why Charm and Goliath were so concerned.

  Then, with a jolt of fear, he saw exactly why they were.

  The log had two big eyes.

  The eyes were staring straight at Limpy.

  The log didn't look at all happy.

  Perhaps, thought Limpy hopefully, they're just big knotholes that look like eyes.

  The knotholes narrowed and looked even angrier.

  Perhaps not, thought Limpy weakly.

  The log snorted at him.

  Limpy realized the horrible truth. He was standing on a crocodile.

  “Jump!” screamed Charm on the riverbank behind him.

  “Say you're sorry!” shouted Goliath.

  Before Limpy could jump, his legs turned to jelly.

  Before he could say anything, his throat sac turned to jelly too.

  The crocodile raised its head out of the water. Limpy saw he was on the crocodile's snout. He nearly fainted. He fell forward and clung onto the crocodile's skin bumps with both hands and his good leg, trying not to look at the huge teeth crowding out of the sides of the crocodile's mouth.

  “Sorry,” he managed to croak. “I thought you were a …”

  Limpy hesitated. “Log” didn't sound very flattering. Limpy remembered how Ancient Eric used to call Goliath a log in insect math class when Goliath didn't know his bee times-table.

  “… turbo-powered river vessel,” croaked Limpy.

  The big eyes blinked.

  And the mouth started to open.

  Limpy fought to control his bladder. He wasn't thinking clearly, but he was pretty sure doing a wee up a crocodile's nose wouldn't be a good idea.

  The crocodile's mouth opened more.

  Limpy was dimly aware of voices behind him on the riverbank.

  “No!” screamed Charm.

  “He's got poison pus!” yelled Goliath. “If you eat him, you'll get a bellyache!”

  “And he's been injected with germs!” shouted Charm. “That bump on his back is full of them! So he's in no way a health food.”

  Limpy felt himself moving backward at speed. Then the snout flipped and he somersaulted through the air and landed facedown in the mud of the riverbank.

  I don't believe it, thought Limpy, frozen with terror and relief. The croc's thrown me back.

  “Thank you,” he croaked, too weak to turn round.

  He waited for Charm and Goliath to come and help him up.

  After a bit, he realized they weren't coming. They were standing well back, clutching each other and screaming things like “Look out!” and “Behind you!” and “Hop for it!”

  Limpy looked over his shoulder.

  And nearly fainted again.

  The crocodile was half out of the water, and its massive wide-open jaws were moving closer, filling the blood-red sky.

  “Stop,” said Limpy. “You don't have to do this. I know you're not really a vicious coldhearted scavenger. That's just the way humans see you. I know that inside you're warm and kind.”

  The jaws didn't slow or waver.

  They kept coming down until Limpy was swallowed up in their darkness.

  The darkness slid from Limpy's eyes.

  Limpy realized it wasn't darkness, it was mud.

  He sat up.

  “Ow.”

  His back hurt a lot.

  Charm and Goliath were bending over him. Charm was doing something to his back.

  “Ouch,” said Limpy. “Don't.”

  “I'm trying to stop the bleeding,” said Charm.

  Limpy didn't understand. He'd just been bitten by a crocodile. By rights, all Charm should be able to do at this point was try and fit him into a hamburger bun.

  “Stack me,” said Goliath. “This is weird.”

  Limpy was about to agree when he saw that Goliath was holding a small square of black plastic.

  “This was in your back,” said Goliath. “The croc bit your lump and it popped out.”

  Limpy still didn't understand. Why would the croc only bite his back lump when there was a whole back and a head and two arms and one and a half legs to chew on?

  “Tracking device,” said a deep rumbling voice behind Limpy.

  Limpy nearly jumped out of his skin.

  He squirmed painfully around.

  The crocodile was sprawled half out of the water, massive jaws resting on the bank, looking at the piece of plastic Goliath was holding.

  “I knew that lump on your back wasn't virus germs,” said the crocodile. “My brother-in-law had one, only bigger and uglier. Tracking device. Human scientists put them in so they can keep track of us. Sends out signals they can pick up miles away.”

  Limpy stared at the crocodile, then took the square of plastic and stared at it.

  “A tracking device?” he sai
d to the crocodile.

  The crocodile looked at Charm and Goliath. “Not very quick, is he?”

  “He's in shock,” said Charm. “We all are.”

  “So was my brother-in-law,” said the crocodile. “Went with his missus on a second honeymoon up north. Next thing he knew a chopper full of humans appeared out of nowhere and took them both off to a farm.”

  “A farm?” said Limpy nervously. “What sort of farm?”

  “A crocodile farm,” said the crocodile very slowly, rolling its eyes at Charm and Goliath.

  “I knew that,” said Goliath.

  The crocodile leaned forward and took the tracking device out of Limpy's hand with its front teeth and crunched it into pieces.

  “Does this mean,” said Charm to the crocodile, her voice wavering,“that Limpy doesn't have virus germs?”

  “When did the scientist jab you?” said the crocodile to Limpy. “If that's not too hard a question.”

  Limpy thought hard. “Four days ago,” he said.

  “If you had virus germs,” said the crocodile, “you'd have been dead two days ago.” The crocodile gave a wistful snort. “Number of rabbits I had to spit out a few years ago.”

  Limpy turned to Charm and Goliath. He could tell from their faces that they had the same joy and relief exploding inside them as he did.

  “I haven't got germs!” he yelled.

  “You haven't got germs!” they yelled.

  “None of us have!” yelled Limpy.

  After he'd hugged them both several times, he turned tearfully to the crocodile.

  “Thank you,” said Limpy. “Thank you.”

  “That's okay,” said the crocodile. “I'm not really a coldhearted scavenger. That's just the way humans see me. Inside, I'm warm and kind.”

  Limpy flung his arms round the crocodile's jaws and kissed it on the snout.

  “Don't push it,” said the crocodile.

  Limpy turned back to Charm and Goliath for more relieved hugs with them.

  A wonderful thought hit him.

  “Malcolm hasn't got germs either,” said Limpy. “Which means Mum and Dad haven't.”

  Then Limpy sat down.

  Another thought had just paralyzed him quicker than his first sight of the croc's molars.

  Malcolm's back bump. The scientist must have put a tracking device in Malcolm too. Which means, thought Limpy miserably, that the humans probably know where Malcolm and Mum and Dad and the others are. They could swoop down on them and wipe them out at any time.

  “Oh no,” groaned Limpy.

  “What's the matter?” asked Charm.

  Limpy explained what the matter was. Then he slumped back onto the mud. Suddenly it was all too much. The thought of a chopper coming out of nowhere and doing terrible things to Mum and Dad was more than he could bear, and he didn't even know what a chopper was.

  Goliath, groaning, slumped next to him.

  “It's hopeless,” moaned Goliath.“The humans probably know where we are too.”

  “It's not hopeless,” said Charm. “We were going back to warn Mum and Dad about the germs. We can go back to warn them about this.”

  Limpy looked up at her determined little face. Just the sight of it made his despair start to fade.

  She was right.

  Limpy turned to the crocodile.

  “Any chance of a lift upriver?” he asked.

  “Don't push it,” said the crocodile.

  Limpy was grateful the train carriage was empty.

  This was the first uncrowded part of the whole trip back.

  The banana truck from the river to town had not only been bumpy, it had been crowded with spiders, mosquitoes, and snakes. Then, when the three of them had found the station, it had been swarming with humans and sheep.

  Now, at last, thought Limpy, here's a chance for us to get some rest.

  If only Goliath felt the same.

  “Shouldn't we be watching out for everyone?” Goliath was saying, peering out between the planks in the carriage wall, squinting in the morning sun that twinkled through the trees they were clattering past.

  Even though Limpy was exhausted, he understood Goliath's concern.

  “No need till we get to the railway crossing,” said Limpy. “Mum and Dad and the others were heading west, so they'll be somewhere on the other side of that.”

  Goliath frowned.

  Limpy sighed and started to get up out of the comfortable bed he'd made for himself from scraps of soft sheep's wool. He could explain things better standing up.

  Charm laid a hand on his arm.

  “It's okay,” she said. “I'll draw him a diagram.”

  “There it is!” yelled Goliath. “Our railway crossing!”

  Limpy leaped up and peered out.

  Goliath was right.

  Limpy watched, throat sac tight with emotion, as his old life slid past the carriage.

  The railway-crossing light, bare of flying insects in the midday sun.

  The highway—unadorned, Limpy was relieved to see, by any squashed rellies.

  The tree where Goliath had failed to break Ancient Eric's leaf-bug-eating record, but only because he had a swamp rat in his mouth at the time.

  “I could do it now,” muttered Goliath, gazing back at the tree. “I know I could.”

  Limpy strained to catch a last glimpse of his dear home.

  Then it was gone.

  He looked at Charm and Goliath, and he could see they were thinking the same thing as him.

  Will we ever see it again?

  From that point on, they didn't take their eyes off the landscape, desperate not to miss anything that looked even a bit like Mum or Dad or Malcolm.

  Limpy took one side of the carriage, Goliath the other, and Charm divided her time between the two.

  “There!” screamed Goliath, pointing at a paddock. “There's Malcolm!”

  “No,” said Charm. “It's just a big pile of old horse poo.”

  She came back over to Limpy.

  “Do you really think we'll be able to see them from here?” she said.

  Limpy had been wondering the same thing.

  “The railway line and the highway both run west,” he said. “They'll need to follow one of them, and the railway line's safer. I don't think even Malcolm's crazy enough to go on the highway.”

  Limpy glanced at Charm.

  She didn't reply.

  They were so busy peering out, they didn't see the ants come in.

  “Hey,” said a cross voice. “What're you doing in our carriage?”

  Limpy spun round.

  A swarm of angry red ants were glaring at him and Charm.

  Charm barely took her eyes off the passing countryside. “Your carriage?” she said, glancing over her shoulder. “Who says?”

  “We do,” said the front ant.

  Limpy laid a reassuring hand on Charm's.

  He recognized the ants. They were the same sort who'd scared the sheep back at the station.

  Stay calm, he said to himself. We don't have time to get into an argument with pushy ants.

  “We're hoping to meet up with our rellies,” Limpy said to the ant. “Out west.”

  “Same here,” said the ant. “So rack off.”

  On the other side of the carriage, Goliath was looking at the ants and licking his lips.

  Limpy held up his hand, signaling to Goliath to stay where he was.

  “I'm going to need your help,” said Limpy to the ants. “I'm trying to encourage my cousin over there not to eat every ant he sees, and he's trying hard, but I'm afraid he's finding you almost impossible to resist.”

  The ants looked at Goliath and saw the hunger in his eyes.

  Limpy saw their expression change as they realized they were looking at a toad who'd eat every single one of them, even if he had to find a needle and sew a gusset in his tummy.

  The ants looked at one another.

  “Our mistake,” scowled the front ant. “Our carriage must be the n
ext one.”

  They scurried away.

  “Hey,” said Goliath, disappointed.“Why did you do that?”

  “I'm trying to get us in the habit,” said Limpy, “of being kinder to insects when we're not hungry.”

  “But I am hungry,” said Goliath.

  Much later they still hadn't seen any sign of Mum or Dad or Malcolm or anyone.

  Limpy had the idea of climbing up through the air vent onto the roof of the carriage for a better view. Even though the train was on a slow stretch, it wasn't an easy climb. Goliath got jammed in the vent, and Limpy and Charm had to use all their mucus to slide him through.

  After all that, being on the roof didn't make any difference.

  Still not a rellie to be seen.

  This isn't looking good, thought Limpy, the warm afternoon breeze doing nothing to relieve the worried ache in his glands.

  Could we have missed them? he wondered. Or could they have taken another route? Or could they already be at Kakadu, hanging from the front gate?

  There were so many possibilities, and Limpy didn't like the thought of any of them.

  “I haven't seen a single cane toad,” said Charm, sounding as worried as Limpy felt.

  “Me neither,” said Goliath from the other side of the carriage roof. “All I can see are donkeys and goats and foxes and brumbies and camels and feral pigs.”

  Limpy slithered quickly across the roof to Goliath in case the sun was affecting his cousin's brain and Goliath decided he could fly or something.

  When Limpy got there, his mouth fell open.

  Not far from the train was an incredible sight.

  A huge crowd of animals, hundreds of them, including all the ones Goliath had mentioned, moving slowly across the dusty scrubland.

  Why are they going so slowly? wondered Limpy.

  Then he saw why.

  Leading them was a group of much smaller figures, hopping wearily. The one in front was less small and was studying a map.

  “Look!” yelled Charm, arriving next to Limpy. “That's Malcolm!”

  “And there's Dad!” screamed Limpy.

  “Stack me,” muttered Goliath. “I thought they were rocks.”

  Limpy squinted down at the dusty cane toads. Where was Mum? He couldn't see Mum.

  “Mum!” he yelled. “Mum!”

  “They can't hear us,” said Charm.

  “Come on!” yelled Limpy to Charm and Goliath. “Time to get off. Jump! Jump!”