Toad Heaven

by Morris Gleitzman

  “Limpy!” yelled Mum.

  Limpy, even though he was still dizzy from being whacked in the head by the ground, could see that Mum's eyes were wide with delight.

  His were too as he zigzagged over and flung his arms round her and Dad.

  Limpy lost track of time in a chaos of hugs and tears and backslaps and questions and a mild concussion.

  He even found himself hugging Goliath at one stage and asking him how things had been going.

  “Not bad,” said Goliath. “Though when I jumped off the train I swallowed my tongue, and I think part of it's still down my throat.”

  After Limpy calmed down a bit, he realized how tired and dusty all the cane toads looked.

  “Mum,” said Charm, concerned. “Look at you. It's too dry out here in the west for you.”

  “I'll be fine,” said Mum, licking her parched lips. “Once we get to Kakadu.”

  Then Limpy saw Malcolm standing to one side, watching them.

  “So,” said Malcolm.“You've decided to join me.” He pointed dramatically to the hundreds of animals standing patiently in the dust. “As you can see, my real estate investment proposal has become very popular.”

  Limpy heard uncertain muttering from some of the animals.

  “It's not really the investment we're interested in,” said a rabbit. “It's the national park.”

  “A place where all living things can be safe and protected forever,” said a donkey.

  “And that's exactly what you'll get,” said Malcolm. “As soon as you pay up.”

  Limpy looked at the travel-weary animals. At the yearning expression in their eyes as they peered anxiously toward the western horizon.

  I've got to tell them the truth, thought Limpy.

  “I'm afraid,” he said, “that's probably not what you'll get.”

  The animals stared at him.

  “Me and my sister and cousin have just been to a national park over to the east,” said Limpy.

  “Two, if you count the permanently flooded one,” said Goliath.

  “We thought the same as you about national parks,” Limpy continued, looking sadly at the animals. “But I'm afraid it's not true. Not all living things are safe and protected there. Only the lucky few that are allowed in.”

  The animals broke into angry murmuring.

  “Bull,” said a camel. “You've got that wrong.”

  “That'd be discrimination,” said a fox.

  “That's against the law these days,” said a mouse.

  “Excuse me, everyone,” said Goliath to the animals. “This will be important for your application. Do you all get eaten?”

  “No,” said a wild horse.“Just shot from helicopters.”

  Limpy looked at Charm for help, but she was frowning anxiously. She pointed to Limpy's back, and then to Malcolm.

  Limpy nodded. She was right. They had to destroy Malcolm's tracking device before the humans arrived with guns and golf clubs and big needles.

  A feral pig interrupted while Limpy was still working out how to do this.

  “That national park to the east,” said the pig. “How far away is it?”

  “By foot,” said Limpy, “a few days. But please, listen to me….”

  Limpy was drowned out by a very loud snort from the feral pig, who pointed angrily down to Malcolm.

  “That's how far that mongrel reckoned Kakadu was,” said the pig. “I reckon it's more like a few months. We'd be better off going east.”

  The other animals muttered in agreement.

  “That's right, you would,” said Goliath. “No, hang on, no you wouldn't.”

  “That's enough!” roared Malcolm.

  For a moment Limpy thought Malcolm was going to try and bully the whole crowd of animals, but then he realized Malcolm was yelling just at him.

  “How dare you!” thundered Malcolm, towering over Limpy. “I should have flattened you ages ago, and I think I'll do it now.”

  Limpy took a step back.

  Somebody leaped in front of him.

  It was Charm, eyes flashing as she glared up at Malcolm.

  “Listen, handsome,” she said in an icy voice. “You may have a clever business brain and be hunkier than any toad around, but if you touch my brother I'll take you apart wart by wart and feed you to that goat.”

  “Eh?” said the goat.

  Malcolm took a step back. Then he recovered and thrust his head at Limpy.

  “How dare you push in here and try to undermine my business plan,” he growled. “What gives you the right?”

  “Well,” said Limpy. “It's really just the fact that you've been leading my whole family into mortal danger.”

  “Danger!” said Mum. “What danger?”

  “Rubbish!” thundered Malcolm.“My easy-purchase plan offers safety, not danger.”

  Limpy looked up at the feral pig.

  “Excuse me, Mr. Pig,” he said. “See that lump on Malcolm's back? Would you mind stabbing it with your tusk?”

  “My pleasure,” said the pig.

  “Hey, wait a minute,” protested Malcolm. But before he could move, the pig prodded his back lump with the tip of a tusk.

  “Ow!” yelled Malcolm.

  The pig withdrew the tusk.

  Malcolm stood frozen with shock and pain while a small square of black plastic popped out of his back and landed on the ground.

  The animals and cane toads all crowded round and stared at it.

  “What's that?” said Dad.

  “Did Malcolm swallow a brake pad?” asked Mum.

  Limpy explained about the tracking device, Goliath assisting with some of the more technical terms, like “brother-in-law” and “second honeymoon.”

  “This is ridiculous,” snapped Malcolm. “Anyone who thinks that thing can tell humans where we are is an idiot.”

  “Look,” said Goliath, pointing across the scrub. “I think it's telling those humans where we are.”

  Limpy peered in the direction of Goliath's arm.

  And saw a four-wheel drive speeding toward them along a narrow dirt road.

  The animals saw it too, and reared up in panic.

  “Let's get out of here,” said a camel.

  “Dead right,” said a mouse.

  “I'm off to that other national park,” said the pig. “Which way's east?”

  “This way,” said a fox. “Let's go.”

  Limpy stood dazed as the ground shook and the animals thundered away.

  He waited for the four-wheel drive to veer off the road and start rounding the animals up.

  But it didn't.

  Even when Goliath jumped on the tracking device and cracked it in half, the four-wheel drive continued to speed directly toward Limpy and the other stunned and exhausted cane toads.

  “No!” screamed Malcolm at the four-wheel drive.“Stay away from me! I haven't got that thing in me anymore. Look.”

  He pushed Limpy out of the way and turned and showed the hole in his back to the rapidly approaching vehicle.

  The four-wheel drive didn't even slow down.

  “Please,” sobbed Malcolm. “Have mercy. I'll never promote a real estate subdivision with unreasonably high interest rates ever again.”

  The other cane toads were panicking too, and hopping in all directions.

  Limpy scrambled to his feet and tried to help Charm and Goliath drag Mum and Dad out of the path of the four-wheel drive. But they got tangled up with Malcolm, who was trying to hide behind them, and they all fell in a heap.

  Stack me, thought Limpy. We're not going to make it.

  The wheels were heading straight for them.

  “Mummy,” whimpered Malcolm.

  Limpy reached out to hold as many of his family as he could, and wished for their sakes that the world was a fairer place, and waited for the end.

  It didn't come.

  The four-wheel drive zoomed straight past them.

  Limpy looked up through the dust, his heart beating a wobbly rhythm of relief
in his ears.

  He was feeling a bit confused.

  He watched the four-wheel drive screech to a stop next to a low mound of dry earth. Two human blokes with khaki shorts and shirts and no beards got out, flung open the back doors of the vehicle, and dragged out what looked to Limpy like some sort of big squirter attached to a big plastic drum of something.

  They started spraying liquid onto the mound.

  “What are they doing?” said Goliath in Limpy's ear.

  “I think it's an ants’ nest,” said Limpy.

  He felt Charm move closer to him.

  “Do they realize they've parked on top of another one?” she whispered.

  Limpy swung his gaze back to the four-wheel drive.

  She was right. He could see another, smaller mound half covered with dry grass under the vehicle. Red ants were starting to pour out of it and swarm all over the four-wheel drive.

  “Stack me,” said Goliath. “It's more of those rude mongrels.”

  “Fire ants,” said Charm. “I overheard some sheep talking about them back at the railway station. They've only been in these parts a short while, and already humans hate them even more than cane toads.”

  “Really?” said Limpy.

  “I don't hate them,” said Goliath. “I think they're yummy.”

  “Don't even think about it,” said Charm. “Come on, let's get Mum and Dad under cover.”

  Before Limpy could move, the humans turned and saw the ants all over their vehicle. They rushed over, beating at them with their hats.

  “Why don't they spray it?” said Charm.

  “Probably dissolve their duco,” said Limpy.

  Although he knew he should be helping Mum and Dad, Limpy couldn't tear his eyes away from the humans.

  One of the humans had ants swarming up both legs. The human realized, but too late. One of the ants bit him. He flinched from the sting. For all the other ants on his legs, this was a signal. They all bit him together.

  The human screamed and fell to the ground, flailing at his legs with his hands.

  Stack me, thought Limpy.

  Even though humans could be pretty cruel, he didn't like seeing anyone suffer like that.

  “Poor mongrel,” muttered Goliath. “I know I should be pleased, but I'm not.”

  Limpy's mind was a whirl of thoughts.

  The other human was beating at his mate with a shirt, trying to knock the ants off him. He didn't have a hope. And if the ants bit the first human again, things wouldn't look good.

  Limpy turned to Goliath.

  “Go on,” said Limpy. “Dinnertime.”

  Goliath's eyes widened with delight.

  “Thanks,” he said.

  He hopped over toward the two humans.

  Limpy held his breath and watched. He glanced at Charm. She was watching intently too. Limpy could tell from her expression that she was hoping for the same thing as him.

  The human on the ground saw Goliath hopping toward him, and his face twisted with revulsion.

  “Arghhh!” he screamed. “Now I'm being attacked by a cane toad! Get away, you ugly brute!”

  The other human grabbed a spade from the side of the four-wheel drive and raised it above his head.

  “Goliath!” yelled Limpy. “Look out! Hop for it!”

  Goliath didn't hear, or pretended he didn't.

  The human with the spade suddenly saw that it was covered in ants and that they were running up his arms. He dropped the spade and started flapping his arms frantically.

  The human on the ground was getting pretty frantic too.

  Goliath had almost reached his legs.

  “Don't bite me!” screamed the human, rolling over and trying to kick Goliath.

  Goliath dodged the kick and opened his mouth.

  The human screamed again.

  Goliath's tongue shot out and slid along the human's leg. In an instant it was coated with ants. Goliath swallowed happily.

  The human started to yell some more, then realized what Goliath had done. And, Limpy saw excitedly, was doing again. And again.

  The human's face collapsed into relief and amazement as he stared at Goliath's busy tongue. Soon Goliath had eaten all the ants off one leg and was starting on the other.

  “You little beauty,” gasped the human.

  Limpy didn't know what the human had said, but he could tell the human was pleased. It looked like Goliath could tell too, because he was eating even faster.

  The human looked as though he wanted to kiss Goliath.

  “Hey, look at this!” he called delightedly to his mate.

  “Me next!” yelled the other human, still flapping his arms. “Me next!”

  Limpy stood in the mouth of Ancient Eric's cave and surveyed his swamp.

  It was looking good.

  Everyone was safely home, the snakes were back in the stew, Ancient Eric was out of his pizza box and laid to rest in a properly constructed memorial bog, and the moonlight was gleaming on the water in a way that made Limpy's warts feel more tingly than human soft drink.

  I never liked that national park swamp as much as this one, thought Limpy happily. No way.

  Mum and Dad hopped over.

  “Oh, Limpy,” said Mum, her face glowing. “We're so happy to be home.”

  “We're proud of you, son,” said Dad. “When you were a tadpole and that flood washed away most of your brothers and sisters and you got wedged in that rock, I knew you were destined for great things.”

  “Thanks, Dad,” said Limpy, glowing.

  Mum gave him a kiss on the warts.

  “We're so lucky,” she said. “Having you to keep us safe. We're the luckiest cane toads in the whole wide swamp.”

  Limpy's throat sac trembled with love.

  “And that idea of yours was brilliant,” said Dad. “Suggesting Charm for leader. She's perfect. She's hardly ever hungry, so she can keep a clear head and make decisions based on wisdom rather than on where the next snake's coming from. No disrespect to Ancient Eric.”

  Limpy smiled. “I think she's going to be a fine leader,” he said.

  He felt a tap on the shoulder and turned round.

  It was Charm, grinning at him.

  “It's a very posh cave,” she said. “But I still prefer my room at home.”

  “Up to you,” said Limpy. “You're in charge.”

  Charm's face fell. “I'm still not sure about this, Limpy. I'm still not sure if I'm ready.”

  Limpy gave her a gentle squeeze.

  “Look,” he said. “Over there. I think those kids need some supervision.”

  A commotion was approaching. A group of little cane toads were rolling a large round object through the undergrowth. The large round object was protesting loudly.

  “Ow. Not so fast. They're biting me. Ow. Slow down. Look out, we're heading for a tree. Ouch.”

  Charm hurried over. Limpy and Mum and Dad followed.

  “Girls and boys,” said Charm sternly. “I think you might be forgetting some of the things you've been taught about gathering ants.” Her voice softened. “Malcolm doesn't like it when you roll him into trees.”

  Malcolm, covered in sticky sap and red ants, looked balefully up at her.

  “Malcolm doesn't like it, full stop,” he muttered.

  “I'm sorry,” said Charm, her voice suddenly steely. “What was that?”

  “Nothing,” mumbled Malcolm. “Come on, kids, I think I saw another ants’ nest over there.”

  Mum shook her head fondly. “He's a nice young man, that Malcolm,” she said. “Well, he is now, since he gave away that real estate nonsense and started helping out around here.” She nudged Limpy. “Do you know, I think Charm's keen on him.”

  Limpy smiled. “Could be,” he said.

  “And these fire ants are wonderful,” said Mum. “Bit spicy at first, but when you get used to them, so versatile in the kitchen.”

  Limpy smiled again. “We'll have to get you on telly,” he said. “I know a few mill
ion humans who'd love to hear you say that.”

  Dad gave a chuckle. “I'll never forget that human fella's face when he saw Goliath eating those ants off his legs. That's the first time I ever saw a human look at a cane toad with respect.”

  “Well,” said Limpy, “I don't think it'll be the last.”

  He showed Mum and Dad the surprise he'd been saving for them. A page from a newspaper that had been chucked from a car only yesterday.

  “Look at the photo,” said Limpy.

  Filling half the page was one of the photos the two humans had taken after Goliath had finished eating the ants off them. A close-up of a happy Goliath, mouth bulging as he licked ants off the four-wheel drive.

  Limpy couldn't read what the headline said, but he was pretty sure it was something like CANE TOAD HERO.

  “Doesn't Goliath photograph well?” said Mum.

  “And he's got a mighty appetite, that lad,” said Dad. “Let's hope he never loses it.”

  Limpy grinned. “I don't think he will.”

  Limpy found Goliath in his favorite spot in the swamp, lying in the mud under a fragrant stinkweed bush.

  “G'night, Goliath,” said Limpy.“You're awake early.”

  “No time for sleeping in,” grinned Goliath. “Too much eating to do.”

  A little cane toad appeared, carrying a leaf piled with fire ants.

  “On top of the empties, thanks,” said Goliath.

  The little cane toad placed it on a tall stack of empty leaves.

  “Shall I bring more, Mr. Goliath?” he asked.

  Goliath groaned in pleasant pain. “I'm pretty full,” he said. “I can probably only manage another six lots.”

  “Okay, Mr. Goliath.”

  Limpy saw that the little cane toad was hovering, trying to pluck up the courage to ask Goliath something.

  “Go on,” whispered Limpy. “He won't eat you.”

  “Don't count on that,” said an ant.

  “Mr. Goliath,” said the little cane toad. “Is it true that if you eat fifty lots of fire ants a night, humans won't want to kill us?”

  “Something like that,” said Goliath. “It might be sixty.”

  He winked at Limpy.

  The little cane toad ran off happily.

  Limpy showed Goliath the newspaper photo.

  “Thanks, Goliath,” said Limpy. “I'm really glad you're my cousin.”