“You may be excused. Take your plates if you want but bring them back down.” My mom interjects. My kids get up taking their plates and not looking back at me when I ask them to wait.
“Mom, what was that?” I snap at her and instantly regret it.
“I don’t know why they reacted like that but let them do what they do best. Talk to each other, process it together. Remember what happened when they found out that Michelle had a whole new family?”
“That is different and we both know it.” I slam my hand on the table. “I didn’t leave them. I’ve always been here. What do I do?”
“Go see your new daughter. When they are ready, I’ll bring them over.” My mother stands and walks out to her swing on the back porch.
“Gram Gram,” I look at her with tears in my eyes, “do I tell Sarah that I will help financially but as far as being dad to Ella, I can’t do it?”
“Don't you do that or I will castrate you myself. Those kids up there are going to come around and if they don’t then they will miss out on a little sister. She won’t take their place in your life, neither will Sarah. You deserve to be happy too and stop living in the past. Now help an old woman up so I can get dressed for bed. I’m going to be there tomorrow.” I help my grandmother to her room.
“I don’t see an old woman.” My grandmother swats at me, “Thank you Gram Gram, I love you, you know that, right?”
“What's not to love?” She chuckles, “Now go see your daughter.” I kiss her on the cheek. I look up the stairs where my children have been.
“Gram Gram,” I stare into her bedroom, “Why do I feel my heart being torn in two? Do I try to talk with those two up there before seeing Ella or do I see Ella then hope they calm down enough to talk to me?”
“Jensen, you’re the only one who can answer that question but Ella was born after a night of sex but the love you feel for the mother came through the friendship you built through phone calls, emails and text messages. Your kids will remember that Sarah was there when Michelle came back and how she put a spring into your step plus I think she is the reason for all the family time with those kids too.”
“Jensen. I'm happy for you but surprised too.” Reagan says as she walks the baby around the room. Reagan is telling Ella how she is going to spoil her rotten and teach her all the naughty things that mommy and daddy won’t let her get away with. I can’t help but laugh at her.
“Have you and Max thought about kids?”
“I can’t have kids. I had a hysterectomy at the age of sixteen. I told Max that if he wanted kids then he needs to find someone else. He seems okay with it but there is adoption, surrogacy. I'm not worried about it; I got this little one and Ethan.”
“You have a good head on your shoulders. What do I do about Jensen?” I sigh laying my head back on the bed. I’ve been in so much pain from the delivery.
“I brought the box like you asked of me and my advice is to talk. Communication is going to be key to this one. You not only have him but he has two kids that are not going to take the news well.”
“Jana and Bennett have been helpful with the whole pregnancy.” I say in a defensive tone.
“Calm down. Yes, they are amazing kids but their dad is this little one’s dad. It takes a different feel on. It’s a struggle but this little one is amazing.”
“Mom’s not so bad herself.” Jensen stands in the doorway of the hospital with balloons.
“Hey daddy. I can’t believe the woman you've been talking about has been Sarah the whole time. Small world and I love it.” Reagan hands the baby over to Jensen. I yawn and nod to Reagan so she knows that I need her help.
“Are you okay?” Jensen asks stepping in closer to us and I wave him off.
“My delivery with no drugs, your big hands inside me, and that escalade coming out of my vagina, I’m a little sore. I need help getting in and out of bed.” Reagan grabs me by the waist to help steady me. Reagan gets me situated in the bathroom and as she is closing the door I hear Jensen talking to Ella.
“How are the kids?” Reagan asks Jensen and I strain to hear his response.
“I don’t know to be honest. I told me them during dinner and they went to their rooms. Gram Gram, told me to come see Ella.”
“Jensen, I’m sorry. I know with all my heart that they need a few hours to process this information. They got hit with Michelle having a whole new family and now dad has a new kid; it’s a lot to swallow.”
“You sound like my grandmother and mom. They said the same thing.”
“It seems you are surrounded by smart women who you should listen to.” Reagan laughs. “I’ll check to see where they are since they are staying with me tomorrow night.” Jensen looks at Sarah confused as I stood in the doorway.
“Guys night.” I groan in pain as Jensen hands Ella to Reagan to pick me up. Jensen picks me up like he would pick up a cookie, like it was nothing. I smile at him. I snuggle his neck and breathe him in.
“I think you guys are in good hands together. I’m going to go find my fiancé and nephew for dinner. I’ll be back tomorrow. Abby and I are taking turns being here.”
“Tell her thank you. I know she couldn't be here too long due to the colds and Ethan.” We hug as she hands me Ella for her feeding. Reagan pulls Jensen outside the door for a minute.
“You fuck this up; I’ll take your balls through your throat.” I can’t help but laugh, “Now there is a box sitting in there. Read it, look through it and let the chips fall where they will. If you don’t think you can be a parent to Ella, let Sarah know. If you want to be a part of the baby’s life tell her. Don’t ever string her along. It’s not fair to you, Sarah and especially Ella.” Reagan hugs him then punches him on the arm. Jensen walks in rubbing his arm.
“Your friends are protective of you but I thought she was my friend too.” Jensen sits down in the ‘dad recliner’ and watches in awe of me looking down at Ella while she breasts feeds. I see how his eyes are fixed on me when I look up a couple of times.
“She is your friend too because I got the nipples being ripped off if I hurt you or your kids.” I laugh.
“Reagan is something else. How are you feeling?”
“I’m in a lot of pain but these nurses are horrible about giving me pain meds that Dr. May prescribed to me. I understand that they are busy out there because I heard from one of the nurses that it is like Baby Boom Central out there, but she senses the pain then gets fussy, screaming until they finally get in here two hours after I asked. I hate complaining but natural child birth is rough and if I ever have more kids then I am going to do the epidural.” I laugh as I see Ella has fallen asleep in my arms. “Do you want to hold her? I want to hold her forever but I can’t stay in this position any longer.” Jensen gets up and brings the baby over to the recliner.
“This is how Jana would sleep.” Ella is laying with her ear on his heart while stretching out. “Michelle hated it because while I worked, Jana didn’t like her so much. Bennett liked laying across my lap.”
“Twins must have been hard.”
“It was a challenge at times and when Michelle left when they were two, it got a lot harder. I wouldn't change a whole lot from them growing up. We’re the Three Musketeers. I do wish their mom was more present but I can’t change that now.”
“Now you have a new little one and I bet they are not talking to you.” I smile sadly at Jensen who nods. “They won’t be mad at me for long. Here.” I grab my cell phone that is close to the call bell.
Jana:
I heard about my new sister.
I can’t wait to meet her.
Me:
She has your smile.
Bennett:
Congrats on the baby.
Does this mean she is my sister, stepsister or half-sister?
Me:
She is your sister. I never liked the step or half but technically she is your half-sister.
Jana:
Really?
Bennett:
&
nbsp; Sweet but next time can you and dad have a boy? We need to even this out. It’s now three against two.
Me:
I’ll work on that for you
Jensen laughs with tears in his eyes, “I left with them not talking to me or looking at me.”
“Oh Jensen, I’m so sorry.” I cry. Jensen gets up and pushes me over a little bit. Ella is placed back into her bassinet so he can properly hold me. I remember the feel of being in his arms and how I craved them for so long. “How can I fix it?”
“I think we are slowly. They accepted you and Ella. I’ve been the only parent and mother figure besides my mom, and Reagan until you came in and started filling that void that the kids were missing.”
“I’ve dreamt of this, finding you and us being a family with the baby.” I sniffle. “Ow.” I double over in pain as I get a spike in my vagina. “It hurts really bad.” Jensen runs to the door yelling he needs a doctor or nurse. There is blood everywhere on the bed. “What's wrong?” “Baby, I don’t know. I’m not an OB/GYN. Do you want me to look?” I nod my head as Jensen grabs gloves and makes me spread my legs with my knees up. A nurse walks in and starts to yell about him doing this.
“He is Dr. Jensen Causer.”
“We called Dr. May but what is the matter?”
“She needs an OR now. It looks like something ruptured but there is too much blood for me to tell what.” A nurse came in and told Jensen and me that she was taking the baby to the nursery until daddy or mommy was back in the room. “Baby; call Reagan, your parents, Abby or Nicarra so someone knows what’s going on.” I fumble with my phone to text Reagan and Max that I need emergency surgery.
“I was still here waiting for Max because Jonathan wants to see Ella.” Reagan bursts through the door holding my hand. “I got you.” She kisses my temple. I can tell that when we get older, Reagan is going to be Joan of the group. She knows how to calm a person down and gives great advice. We’ll need to teach her to cook better.
“Dr. May is in surgery with another patient and can’t leave. We are waiting for the on-call doctor to call back.” the nurse adds.
“Can I speak with Dr. May?” Jensen says in hushed tones. My blood pressure starts to drop as my heart rate lowers as well. “I’ll call her from the OR. Let’s go.”
“Jensen what’s wrong?”
“I think it’s postpartum hemorrhage. Since we had the baby in the elevator, there might be left over placenta in there. I need to open you up to see.”
“How can you do the surgery?”
“I’m a doctor.” Jensen laughs trying to defuse the tension. I remember Jensen telling me one time that he was a surgeon but the hours were too unpredictable with him raising the kids alone so he asked to work in the ER because they had a more consistent schedule but he still does a surgery rotation once a month to keep his skills up.
“Jensen, you are also the father of the baby. Don’t you find that a conflict?” Jensen stops the bed before rolling into the OR room.
“You bet it’s a big conflict of interest of operating on someone you love and care about but May is busy and the backup is not calling back. I won’t lose you and make that little girl an orphan before she is twelve hours old. Now I need to ask you, if the only thing to do to save your life is a hysterectomy are you okay with that?” Jensen holds my hand and kisses it. I nod for fear of talking. I want him to keep me whole so we can have more babies together or at least a son to even things out. As the nurses do their thing to get me prepped I look over to where Jensen is scrubbing in. I smile at him and he winks at me. I don’t know if I trust this but if it will save my life it will be in his hands. The anesthesiologist starts having me count backwards.
“Wait, what if Ella needs to be fed while I’m in surgery?”
“They will probably give her formula until you are able to nurse again.” The anesthesiologist explains to me for the next twenty-four hours, I’m going to be doing a pump and dump until I get the anesthesia out of my system. I get hooked up to the breast pump so they can use as much of my milk before switching Ella to the formula.
The nurse from Dr. May’s office comes into the OR letting me know that she just finished up her surgery and will be in soon to start this surgery. I sigh in relief as they hook up the pump and I start to count backwards. My last thought is of Ella, Jana and Bennett. I’m praying that we can all be a family.
I’m so glad that May finished her surgery as my hands shake trying to cut into the woman who is my baby’s mother. Sarah is the woman that I spent eight months searching for but because I didn’t have a lot to go on, I couldn’t give her a name but a description but this is Miami, blonde, petite, and beautiful. I pace the OR room as I try to see what May is doing.
“I’m going to tell you one more time, get out. I’m trying to work here and you’re distracting me.” May doesn’t look up from Sarah’s body.
“I need to do something.” I plead.
“Go be with your daughter. Call your kids. Do something outside of this room and out of my eye sight. Sarah is going to be fine. You called it right. The placenta wasn’t completely removed and it ruptured. I won’t have to do a hysterectomy. She can have more kids in the future.” I let out the breath that I’ve been holding forever it seems. I start to leave the room.
“I love her May.” Those were the last words I spoke to May until she came out letting us know that she is going to recovery for the night. Ella is going to stay in her room with me so she sent everyone home.
I walk into the room to relieve Reagan. Ella is sleeping soundly. I’m thankful that I could call in some favors and have Reagan watching her instead of being in a room with the other babies. Reagan hugs me goodbye and told me to keep her posted.
I see the box that is beautifully drawn on it with pinks, purples and fairies. I smile as I see the words, “The baby’s daddy “Doc”. I open it and I see ultrasound pictures, pictures of Sarah’s ever-growing body, and letters. There must two hundred or more letters in this box. They are all dated, most of them are everyday or skipping a few days. I pull out the first letter.
Doc (because I don’t know your name)
Thank you for giving me a reason to live. Thank you for the gift of this life growing inside me. I never thought that I would be a mother. I know you could tell that I was virgin. My grandmother always told me how precious sex was and how your heart goes with the person you sleep with so I wanted to save myself for the right person. When we stared into each other eyes, I felt this connection to you that I never had before with a man. I knew when we were having sex how true my grandmother was about it. You took apart of me with you that day and you gave me something too.
I don’t know how to find you to tell you about this baby because you have every right to know and decide if you want to be in his or her life. I don’t need your money as I run my own business and I live near my family. I decided after finding out that I was pregnant and going through the emotions with my family that I would give you a diary of sort. I will have two sets of ultra sound pictures so you can see the growth as if you were here with me.
When you find out, please don’t blame the baby. Kids are never asked to be born so it’s not their fault but ours. We never exchanged names or numbers.
So, hello my name is Sarah Edwards originally from Pennsylvania and I moved to Miami with my best friends.
With love,
Sarah
“Wow,” is all I can say. I start going through letter after letter and I felt like I was there.
Doc,
Today is a rough day. I can’t keep anything down. I thought morning sickness was for the first three months not the fifth month. Reagan has been a godsend. I hated her when I first met her because Abby did so I had to as well but then they started spending time together and I felt left out. I treated her like she was no better than the gum on my shoe but she keeps taking care of me. Reagan often takes me to my appointments because everyone else is busy with their own lives which I can understand.
I finally told my parents and they had a completely different reaction to it than I had played out into my head.
I met these amazing kids the other day. Jana is a beautiful young lady who if I stare long enough, I can see you in her. Bennett is so sarcastic with me and reminds me of growing up with Max and Marshall. I “met” their dad through email and we formed a friendship which has helped with my fears of this little one.
I found out it’s a girl. You would think as girlie as I am that I would be excited but it scares me. I remember what I was like when I was a teenager. I don’t know how my parents and Abby’s parents survived us. When she moves around, I feel her fluttering. I have prayed that we would have seen each other already. I know Miami is a big place but it’s like a small world too. I’m starting to gain more weight which Dr. May likes but I hate. I’m on bedrest now due to my high blood pressure.
Abby thinks it's ridiculous that I’ve made you out to be this man in my head that I could see myself marrying and having babies with but it’s kind of hard knowing how we don’t know each other or how to find each other. I still hold out hope that we will be out grocery shopping or in the hospital to bump into each other. I may have built you up in my head of being a prince but you could be a frog. Well I’m getting sleepy even though it is only one in the afternoon. Hey, I need to get as much sleep now because for the next eighteen I’ll be lucky for a full night’s rest.
I hope you are doing well.
With love,
Sarah.
My heart hurts reading how alone she felt through this except for Reagan and Abby. I regret leaving the way I did that day and wished so many times that I would have handled it better. I felt that connection that she talked about too. My phone buzzes in my pocket then I notice that it’s 1:30 a.m. and Jana’s calling.
“Daddy?”
“Yeah baby girl, are you okay?”
“I went to your room but you weren't there. I had that dream again. Where are you?”
As Long As You Love Me (Love Me Series Book 4) Page 14
