by Hazel Kelly
“Just kidding. I don’t know why.”
I sighed and knocked back the rest of my drink. “Are you ready to go?”
“Is that really the only thing that would cheer you up?”
I imagined the sound a piano might make falling on Hugh’s head. “Unfortunately.”
“In that case, let me give my information to the raffle lady, and we’ll get out of here.”
I groaned.
“Relax. It’ll only take a second, and I have a lucky feeling about the cruise.”
“Fine. I’ll wait in the lobby.”
Tiffany walked towards the raffle table with a quickness I appreciated, and I kept my eyes on the exit until I reached the doors. Then I turned and looked over my shoulder one last time, scanning the room for Lily.
When I found her, she was standing next to Hugh again, smiling at him while he entertained a small group of traders. I squinted hard, trying to differentiate whether her eyes were smiling, too. Was she actually enjoying herself?
“Okay,” Tiffany said. “They’ll call us if we win.”
“Wait here,” I said, keeping my eyes on Lily. “I’ll be back in one second.” I strode across the room, making a concerted effort not to clench my fists. When I reached the circle of socializers she was in, I touched her lightly on the arm. “Can I have a quick word?”
She forced a smile and raised a pointer finger at Hugh before stepping over to the side of the room with me.
I looked around before fixing my eyes on hers and lowering my voice. “Whatever he’s paying you, I’ll double it if you leave with me right now.”
I expected her face to light up, but the edges of her almond-shaped eyes drooped.
“Please take that back,” she whispered. “I don’t want your money.”
“I’ll triple it.”
“I’ve never wanted your money, Sebastian.”
“Tell me what the hell you want then.”
Her eyes watered. “Right now I’d settle for your forgiveness.”
“Are you coming with me or not?”
She shook her head.
My heart shattered.
T W E N T Y N I N E
- Lily -
I didn’t know what to say. All I knew was that I couldn’t go with him.
I wanted to. Of course I wanted to. But if he ever thought for one second that I wanted his money—or his custom—I would die inside.
“Please forgive me,” I whispered.
His red eyes looked up from the floor, and I was shocked at how defeated he looked.
I watched him take a deep breath and tear his eyes from me, like he couldn’t bear the sight of me for even one more second. And as he walked away, I tried to figure out whether I’d just made the biggest mistake of my life or if it didn’t even matter anymore.
After all, he knew what I’d become. Whether he could accept it or love me in spite of myself was something I had no control over.
“Everything okay?” Hugh asked, sliding his hand around the back of my arm.
A chill went up my spine. “Absolutely. Just a misunderstanding. Nothing to worry about.”
He looked across the room towards the exit in time to see Sebastian disappear through the door. “Terribly sad when a man wants what he can’t have, isn’t it?”
“Yes,” I agreed. “Though there’s one thing that’s even sadder.”
Hugh raised his bushy brows. “And what’s that?”
“When a man no longer wants what he absolutely can have.”
He craned his neck back. “You sure you’re all right?”
“Of course,” I said, forcing a smile. “Just a little thirsty. Can I get you something from the bar?”
He turned towards me and draped his hands around my waist, but it was all for show. Not only did his touch feel empty and meaningless, but it made me feel empty and meaningless.
“I’d love a gin and tonic,” he said. “Make sure they use good tonic, though. I can’t stand the cheap stuff.”
“Certainly.” I stepped back, letting his arms fall away from my waist.
“Don’t keep me waiting,” he said, giving me a dirty wink.
I turned on my heels and headed towards the closest bar, doing my best to dodge the waiters dressed like Uncle Sam who were passing out fancy hors d’oeuvres.
“Would you like a pig in a blanket?” one asked as he came to a stop in front of me.
He had a young face that looked like it struggled to grow anything apart from peach fuzz.
“I’d love one,” I said, taking an extra-crispy parcel. “Though God knows it won’t be my first.”
He cocked an eyebrow like he didn’t get the joke.
“Are you having a nice time?” I asked, taking another for the road.
“Of course. This is so much better than getting drunk and watching the fireworks with my friends.”
“If it’s any consolation, half of the people here would rather be doing the same thing.”
“I apologize,” he said. “That was extremely unprofessional. I don’t know why I said that.”
“I do.”
He looked surprised.
“Because sometimes it feels good to tell the truth.”
“Thanks for your understanding.”
“Thanks for the chat. First one I’ve enjoyed tonight.”
“I’m on salmon puffs next round. Maybe we’ll meet again.”
“I’d like that,” I said. “Since I have a feeling we’re both in for the longest night of our lives.”
He bowed his head and smiled.
My heart lifted at the realization that there was at least one person at the party I hadn’t let down, but it was short lived. No amount of forced farce could change the fact that my life had come undone at the seams only moments ago when Sebastian walked out of here with disdain for me on his heels.
As I waited for two G and Ts, I tried to wrap my head around all the ways I’d let him down, but the list got so long so fast I had to stop myself from pressing the subject, knowing an air of despondency wasn’t going to earn me a tip.
And as much as I wished I didn’t care about the money, it was the only thing about the entire evening that still might go to plan.
I leaned against the bar and looked around at the bevy of glamorous female guests, wondering if any of them might understand what I was going through, if any of them had ever known the kind of joy I’d known with Sebastian.
“Are you all right?” the handsome bartender asked as he set two clear drinks down in front of me. “You look like someone just ran over your puppy.”
“Someone probably would if I had one.”
He narrowed his eyes at me. “You want a shot or something?”
“Actually, I’m—”
“Let me guess. A tequila girl?”
I glanced over my shoulder towards Hugh. His arms were stretched in the air in the exact same position as when he’d told a fishing story an hour ago.
“I’ll do one with you,” he said, filling two shooters. “If anyone asks, you insisted.”
I rolled my eyes.
He set them on the counter.
I took one before he’d even had a chance to pass the salt. “Thanks,” I said, grateful for the burn in my throat. At least it was proof that I could feel something besides shame, something besides heartache.
Without a word, he slid the second one my way.
I looked around, but as usual, no one was paying attention to anyone else. Everyone was too busy sucking in their stomach and trying to figure out how the next words out of their mouth might steer the focus of the conversation back to them.
I knocked the shot back and accepted the slice of lemon he held out.
“I’m impressed,” he said.
“Don’t be.”
“You know where to find me if that doesn’t do the trick.”
“Thanks,” I said, smiling as the burn reached my belly. I was about to walk off when he spoke again.
“Don’t f
orget your drinks,” he said.
“Right.” I forced a smile and lifted them off the high counter. “Happy Fourth.”
“God bless America,” he said, nodding at me with kindness in his eyes before turning to serve the next guest.
Land of the free, I thought, crossing the dance floor carefully. And home of the brave.
Funny.
Too bad I felt neither.
T H I R T Y
- Sebastian -
I dropped my gym bag inside the door and strode towards the faucet to refill my empty water bottle.
“You were at the gym a long time,” Tiffany said, appearing beside the fridge and leaning against it.
“Not long enough,” I said, downing my water so fast some droplets escaped from the sides of my mouth and fell onto my sweat-soaked shirt.
“Are you training for something?”
“I wish.”
“You want to tell me what’s really going on?” she asked. “Because you’ve been acting like a freak ever since the Fourth.”
“I’m sorry.” I set my water bottle on the counter. “Is the way I conduct myself in my apartment upsetting for you?”
She lifted her palms. “You don’t have to be an asshole about it.”
I leaned my hands on the edge of the butcher block.
“There’s pasta,” she said, nodding towards the saucepan on the stove. “If you’re hungry.”
I didn’t know what I was anymore. “I need a shower.” I couldn’t even look at her on the way by. I could hardly look at anyone these days. Every time I tried I felt like I could see my own craziness reflected in their eyes.
I headed to the shower and stepped in before the water had a chance to warm up. Lately, I was willing to do anything that might make me feel something besides anger.
At least the initial hurt had passed a while ago. I’d say within twenty-four hours of seeing Lily at the party. Ever since then, though, all I’d felt was rage, and there seemed to be nothing I could do to stop it.
Every time I noticed someone’s hands, I thought of another man’s hands on Lily. Every time I saw someone pay with cash, I thought of her accepting payment for her company. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw hers, full of pain like they were when I walked away.
Why hadn’t she accepted my offer? Why hadn’t she left with me? Didn’t she understand what I meant? Didn’t she understand that I wasn’t merely suggesting she leave with me in that moment?
I was asking her to choose me. For good. To walk away from whatever seedy situation she’d gotten herself into. Couldn’t she see that I was trying to rescue her? Rescue us. Or at least give us a fighting chance.
But she’d stayed. She’d picked Hugh. Or the money. Frankly, I didn’t really understand what she thought she was picking. All I understood was that it hadn’t been me.
Again.
I dragged a steaming washcloth over my face and struggled to breathe through the fabric.
This was all my fault.
I fell for her again without ever pressing her for answers, without ever demanding that she tie up the mess of loose ends she’d left me with so long ago. But this time around, I had only myself to blame.
I stuck my face in the stream of water, letting it blast my cheeks and run through my facial hair, which I hadn’t had the energy to tackle lately. I knew I had to do something about it. There were only two styles of facial hair that my company was cool with: immaculately shaved and tidy designer facial hair, and I was well outside both of those categories.
In fact, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d ignored my razor for so long. What started out as stubble was threatening to become a beard. Whatever. Today wasn’t the fucking day. After all, it wasn’t just other people I didn’t have the patience to make eye contact with these days. It was myself, as well.
When I looked in the mirror, I could see the hurt, the rage, and the emptiness in my own eyes. And I hated that she had the power to reduce me to this state, hated that I’d given it to her gladly, that I would’ve given her anything she asked for.
Of course, that trust only existed because I thought I was the only man she would ask for anything, the only man she wanted to rely on. What a fucking joke.
I toweled myself off, threw my robe on, and returned to the kitchen to see about that pasta since my increasing hunger pangs were the only thing I actually had any hope of dealing with before bed.
When I reached the common area, Tiffany was sitting at the set kitchen table beside a plate of pasta and a bowl of garlic bread. “Sit down,” she said, pouring two glasses of wine.
“I’m really not in the mood.”
“Yeah, well, I’m not in the mood to not do blow tonight, but we can’t all have what we want all the time.”
I clenched my jaw and sat down. “Thanks for cooking.”
“You’re out of frozen rice bowls. I was afraid you’d starve.”
I tore into a piece of garlic bread.
“The pictures you posed for turned out really well,” she said, holding up her phone. “I posted them today.”
I grunted my approval.
“So you can stop brooding now.”
“I’m not brooding.”
“You’re not happy either,” she said. “And I’m getting kind of worried.”
My phone rang where it was charging, but I didn’t even glance in its direction.
“You don’t need to get that?”
“Nope,” I said, knowing it was Lily. She’d called at this time every day for the last week but refused to leave a message. I took that as a sign that she didn’t have much to say for herself and was hoping the mere sound of her voice would soften my anger, which was exactly what I was afraid of. Because she couldn’t be trusted, and I couldn’t trust myself around her. The whole thing was a disaster waiting to happen, a disaster I was beginning to fear would destroy me whether I ever took her calls again or not.
“How long is this going to go on?”
“I don’t know,” I said, sick of pretending nothing was wrong.
“Would you let me in a little, Sebastian? Maybe I can help.”
“You can’t.”
“Try me.”
“It’s too complicated.”
“I doubt it.”
“Excuse me?”
She shrugged. “Well, I already know it’s got something to do with that woman from the party. She’s what set this toxic mood off.”
I stopped twirling my spaghetti around my fork and rested it on the side of my plate.
“What did she do to you?”
“How far back do you want me to go?”
“Up to you.”
I sighed. “Long story short, she broke my heart when I was eighteen.”
“Okay.”
“But we never officially broke up. She just…disappeared. Anyway, I ran into her a few weeks ago.”
She nodded. “She’s the old friend you had dinner with.”
“Yeah,” I said. “And now she’s gone and done it again.”
She raised her eyebrows. “She ended things at the party?”
“Yes and no.”
She tilted an ear towards me.
“No one officially ended anything. She just tore my heart out of my chest and stomped her heel on it.”
“Which is why you were so keen to leave.”
I blinked at her.
“So are you guys working through it or…?”
“No.”
She scrunched her face. “But no one ended it?”
“I gave her an ultimatum, and she didn’t make the right choice.”
“What was the—?”
“That’s not up for discussion.”
“Okaaay.”
I drank some wine. It was good so I took another sip, relieved to discover that it was harder to be pissed off with nice wine in my mouth.
“Did she know it was an ultimatum?”
“I don’t know. What does it matter?”
She squinted at m
e. “I’m not sure it’s right to punish people for choices they didn’t realize they were making.”
“What?”
“Maybe she wanted to pick you, and she got confused.”
“And maybe she never even wanted to see me again, and I ignored all the signs and fell for her anyway like an idiot.”
She cocked her head and studied my face more closely than I would’ve liked. “Do you love her?”
“I thought I did, but that was before I realized I don’t even know her.”
She pressed her lips together.
“So?” I asked.
“So what?”
I leaned back in my chair. “Don’t you have some advice for me about what a duck would do or something?”
“Not really, no.”
“Then what was the fucking point of that?” I asked, throwing my hands in the air. “Christ.” I put my elbows on the table and squeezed my head in my hands.
“Sebastian?”
I dragged my fingers down my face and leaned back to look at her. “What?”
“I don’t have any advice.”
“So you said.”
“But I do have an opinion, for what it’s worth.”
“Lay it on me.”
She draped her fingers around the bottom of her wine glass and fixed her eyes on mine. “If a guy were this messed up over me, I wouldn’t want him to give up. I would want him to fight harder for me.”
I swallowed.
“No matter how big of an asshole I was.”
I folded my arms. “Thanks for that.”
“And one more thing.”
“Go on.”
“There are two sides to every story.”
“Yeah.”
“And you said yourself you don’t really know hers.”
I took a sip of wine.
“And you’re never going to if you don’t pick up the phone.”
“Congratulations,” I said, raising my glass. “Way to point out the fucking obvious.”
“My pleasure,” she said, clinking her glass against mine. “Least I could do after you did the same for me.”
T H I R T Y O N E
- Lily -
“Can I stay in the car?” Vivian asked.
“Oh no you don’t,” I said. “You aren’t bailing now. This is your chance to make something good come out of the years of demeaning bullshit we’ve put ourselves through.”
