Forbidden Desires

by Jodie Griffin

  Before his words even penetrated her shocked mind, he was gone.

  Chapter Six

  Fuck. Marcus repeated the word over and over and over again in his head as he rode home from Bella’s, the roar of the bike’s engine doing nothing to drown out his chaotic thoughts. He was way over the speed limit, but he still couldn’t outrun the demons dogging him. With Bella on his lap, he’d gone from being in the moment and loving every minute of it to tense and pissed off when he’d responded to her huskily drawled permission to come. But was he pissed off at Bella for making it an order, or at himself for craving the words that had set him off like a firecracker and sparked his release?

  When lights and sirens flashed behind him, he let out a long growl. Fuck, this wasn’t good either.

  He pulled onto the shoulder of the mostly quiet road, took off his helmet and gloves, and fished out his driver’s license. He squinted as the cop’s spotlight bounced off his mirrors. After so many years as a first responder, he knew the routine. He waited as patiently as possible while the cop ran the tags on the bike. If only his mind could be as calm as he was forcing his body to be. Then again, if that were the case, he wouldn’t have been speeding in the first place.

  The car door slammed, and he put his hands where the cop could see them. The cop’s footsteps sounded heavy, their cadence matching the thud of Marcus’s heart. Jesus, this really wasn’t good. He’d been going nearly twenty miles over the speed limit, and the absolute last thing he needed was a reckless-driving citation.

  The cop came closer and turned his flashlight onto Marcus’s face, and then back down to the ground. Marcus blinked, trying to clear his vision of spots.

  “Shit, it is you. What the fuck were you thinking, Aiello?”

  Marcus’s brain recognized the voice as the man’s face came into focus. He didn’t know if it was a good thing or a bad thing that he knew the cop who’d pulled him over. Alex Meyers, a Maryland State Trooper, and someone he considered a good friend.

  “Alex?”

  “You were going seventy-two in a fifty-five zone. And not staying in your own lane.” Alex sounded pissed. “Gotta ask, buddy. You been drinking?”

  Shit. “I had a glass of wine with dinner at my parents’ restaurant about four hours ago. Nothing since.”

  Alex swore. “You’re not making this easy, my friend. Come on. Off the bike.”

  Marcus cursed under his breath, but he did as Alex asked. The worst part wasn’t getting off the bike for the sobriety test he was certain Alex would give him, it was standing there with his leather pants stuck to him like glue from when he’d come like a teenager. When Bella had given him permission to come. He shoved the gut-tightening thought away. It wasn’t as if Alex would know, but he did.

  Sure enough, Alex put him through the field sobriety test, which he passed without any trouble.

  “I told you, I only had a glass of wine with dinner.”

  “Want to tell me what had you riding like a bat out of hell?”

  “Not really.”

  “Tough shit. Give me a reason why I should give you a warning instead of a ticket.” Alex’s hard voice paused. “Let me guess. Knowing you, it has to do with a woman.”

  Ding, ding, ding. “Not going to talk about it. Just give me the damn ticket if you’re going to.” He crossed his arms and leaned against his bike.

  Alex pinned him with a hard stare and waited.

  Marcus blew out a breath. Sometimes Alex could be like a dog with a bone. “You’re right, okay? I had a date. I left her house because my head got screwed up. You know how things went with my ex. I was trying to clear my brain and get her out of my mind. I can’t afford to be this fucked up over a woman again. End of story. Happy now?”

  Instead of handing him a ticket, Alex nodded and offered advice. “You like her?”

  “Yeah. That’s the shit of it. I like her a lot.”

  “Give it a chance. Jess and I have been married fifteen years, and I can tell you it’s worth it if you find the right woman.” He smacked Marcus on the arm with his ticket book. “And for God’s sake, slow the fuck down. You’re not going to even get a chance with her if you wind up wrapped around a tree.” With that, he turned and headed back to his car.

  Marcus climbed back on his bike and sat there, trying to steady himself. His hands were shaking, and he felt as if he were going to have a panic attack. It took a few minutes before he felt like he could get back on the road. It took him another ten minutes to get home.

  When he got in the door to his condo, he heaved a sigh of relief. What a fucked-up night. In his bathroom, he stripped out of his clothes and kicked them to the corner. He’d deal with them later. He got into a hot shower, as hot as he could stand, and braced one hand against the wall, letting the water pound against his shoulders. As he washed himself, all he could think of was Bella. And as he thought of Bella, his dick got hard. Again.

  He swore, wrenched the water off and grabbed his towel. When he was dried off, he pulled on a loose pair of cotton pants and a sweatshirt, took a beer from the fridge and headed out to the small deck off his bedroom. It overlooked the Carroll Creek Promenade, and at ten on a Saturday night, a lot of people were still out and about. Couples walked hand in hand along the creek, and Marcus sighed.

  As un-macho as it sounded, he wanted what Alex had. A wife, kids. He was thirty-two, and he wanted to settle down. He sure as hell hadn’t gotten that with Teresa. She’d called so often during work he’d gotten a reprimand from his captain and an off-the-record, bluntly worded warning about getting his personal shit together. He’d been so distracted by those frequent calls, he’d nearly given a patient the wrong drug. He’d caught himself in time, but the damage was done. If he wanted to keep the career he loved, he had to stay focused.

  Riding his bike like a maniac sure as shit wasn’t keeping his act together. He owed Alex for giving him a warning instead of a ticket. If his captain got word of a reckless-driving citation, he’d be looking at suspension.

  Suddenly restless, Marcus got up, snagged his phone and stared out at the creek for a long minute. He wanted to talk to Bella, to apologize for being such a chicken shit. But at the same time, he wasn’t sure what to say. Hell, even he couldn’t completely understand his desires. How was he supposed to explain them to someone else? He wasn’t sure he could. But at the very least, he owed Bella an apology.

  Before he changed his mind, he called her.

  * * *

  Bella grabbed for her phone the minute it rang, fervently hoping it was him. She didn’t even wait for her caller to speak. “Marcus?”

  “Yeah.”

  He sounded exhausted, and beaten down, and Bella’s stomach churned. She remembered that feeling all too well. Maybe now was the time to share that with Marcus, if she wanted their relationship to go any further. Yes, it’d be like ripping a bandage off a cut, but having it out in the open air might make it heal faster. “You sound tired.” She paused. “In more ways than one.”

  He laughed, but there was no humor in the sound. “Isn’t that the damn truth?” The buzz of silence came across the line. “I’m sorry I left you like I did. I shouldn’t have walked out on you.”

  Her heart thudded, and when she answered, her voice was low and raw even to her own ears. “So why did you?”

  He sighed. “Because I’m an ass?”

  She laughed lightly. “Well, the thought did cross my mind.” For about one second, until she caught the panicked look on his face and the jerky way he’d moved as he’d taken off. “Why, Marcus?”

  The silence was heavy and awkward. “Because you make me feel things I shouldn’t feel. And want things I shouldn’t want.”

  “I know that feeling. Things other people would consider abnormal, and maybe even immoral. Wrong on every level, which makes you question who you are a
nd why you’re wired this way. And when you finally share it with the person you love, you’re berated and called ten different kinds of pervert.”

  He was silent on the other end, and her stomach heaved, but she pushed through it. She walked over to the window and stared blindly outside. Letting the curtain drop back, she walked to her bed and sat on it, cross-legged, hugging a pillow to her stomach. “But you know what? I don’t care anymore what people think. I know what I like. And I know somewhere out there is a man who likes what I am, too.”

  Marcus cleared his throat. “Are we talking about elephants again?”

  “Yeah, I guess we are.”

  “Which makes you the elephant trainer, and me the elephant?”

  Bella nearly choked. “Well. You do have a pretty long...trunk.”

  “And maybe that’s enough elephant analogies.” His voice sobered. “Are you as confident about what you like as you sound? Do you really have no questions about it?”

  “Oh, hell no.” She wondered if she really could share—or should share—the rest with him, but then she decided why not? “I’m not a Domme. I don’t have training. I’ve never been to a club. I’ve read books, and the internet, and I know what trips my trigger. I’m playing this all by ear. I don’t know what the rules are. I don’t know that I even care what the rules are, except the one about safe words. I want to do what feels good to me, and I want it to feel good to you, in whatever way makes you feel good. I’ve questioned every single word I’ve said to you.”

  Dead silence.

  She bit her lip. “See, now? Now, I wish I’d kept my lip zipped.”

  Immediately, Marcus answered. “No. I’m glad you told me that. Believe it or not, it makes me feel better.” He laughed humorlessly. “And shit, could I sound like any more of a wuss?”

  “In no way, shape or form is that true. Even if you were on your knees, bound and gagged, I can’t imagine anyone taking you for anything less than top dog.” She shook her head, not that Marcus could see her. “Top elephant. Whatever.”

  More silence.

  “Marcus?”

  His voice was so low, so tortured, it made her heart ache. “I just don’t know if I have it in me, and it’s killing me, because I really like you, Bella. I enjoy spending time with you. But whenever we’re together, my mind starts going places it has no business going.”

  Her heart stuttered as his words started to sink in. “What places?”

  “Me, tied to the bed for real. Me, bound and gagged, on my knees for you.” His voice cracked. “My dick gets hard just thinking about those things. But it messes up my head, and I can’t afford that now. I have to focus on work. I’m sorry, Bella, but I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

  Her heart was breaking into a million pieces, but she couldn’t let him go without sharing what she was thinking. “You’re wrong, Marcus. Wanting to submit to me or any other woman—” and didn’t that thought hurt like a spike through her chest, “—doesn’t make you any less of a man. I want you to think about something.”

  She sucked in a deep breath, trying to calm her suddenly shaking body. “I’m guessing you’ve played around with domination and submission. If you really had issues with the whole idea, you wouldn’t have done that.” She softened her voice. “I think you’re scared. And not necessarily of what other people will think.”

  “Bella—” Marcus said softly.

  She cut him off, wiping away a lone, traitorous tear. “I get it, really, I do. It’s hard to open yourself up to someone, to take a chance and bare your soul. If you change your mind, you know where to find me.” With those words, she hung up the phone and turned the ringer off.

  Chapter Seven

  “What’s wrong, dear?” Alice sat down next to her and put a hand on Bella’s arm.

  “I’m sorry. I’m just not here tonight.” Here was the community room at the nursing home, and tonight was poker night. They’d just finished a round, and Myrtle and Edna had moved to the next table, chatting up the two newest residents of the nursing home, Walter and Henry.

  Alice nodded. “Marcus?”

  Bella whipped her head around and looked into Alice’s knowing eyes. “Yup.” She hadn’t seen or talked to him at all in almost two weeks. He’d left a few messages on her voice mail, but she hadn’t called him back. For all they’d gone out—a whopping three times—her heart was as battered as if they’d dated a year and then broken up. What was up with that?

  She knew, though. She’d never had such a bone-deep connection with a man before. He seemed to be her perfect complement, in so many ways. Well, except for the fact that he didn’t want to acknowledge the part of himself that craved submission. Small sticking point, really.

  Alice patted her arm. “Men can be such idiots sometimes.” The sweet tone of her voice belied the snarky words.

  Bella smiled weakly, and tears welled but she forced them away. “I’m not sure if he’s the idiot, or if I am. I mean, we’ve only known each other a few weeks. Can I really expect him to be—” She paused, trying to respect Marcus’s privacy. “To be the kind of man I need? This soon?”

  Alice smiled, her eyes twinkling. “It depends on what it is you need from him. I have some idea, but that’s between the two of you, even if Myrtle does think it’s her business. If you’ll indulge an old woman, let me tell you what I see.”

  Bella nodded. She didn’t have anything to lose, and Alice, of all of her three friends, was the most like Bella herself, right down to their chosen occupations.

  “I think Marcus holds himself to a strict standard of behavior, and a lot of it is based on his heritage. Think about it, Bella. Italian men are expected to behave in a certain way.” She paused, and Bella knew what she was referring to. “And if they don’t, then they’re not real men. That’s a lot of pressure for anyone.”

  Bella sighed. “So I should give up on him?”

  “Absolutely not. Not if he’s worth hanging on to. And from what I’ve seen of that young man, he’s worth the wait for him to figure it all out.” Alice’s eyes twinkled again. “It’s too bad you kids worry so much about what other people think. Old age is the great emancipator when it comes to attitude. Why, look at how brazen Myrtle and Edna are being with Henry and Walter. Do you think they care what other people think?”

  Bella swiveled her head and choked back a laugh. Myrtle’s hand sat on Walter’s knee, and Edna was batting her eyes at Henry. Walter’s eyes were glued to Myrtle’s hand, and a charming blush danced across Henry’s cheeks. Shoving her own issues aside for a minute, she glanced over at Alice, whose eyes held a sadness that had never lessened in all the time Bella had known her. “Alice, are you okay with that?”

  Alice blinked twice. “I’m fine, dear. I’m glad they’ve found suitors. It’s not for me, though I’ve had plenty of opportunities. My heart still belongs to my late husband. We were much like you and your Marcus seem to be. Two sides of the same coin.”

  This time Bella blinked. “I didn’t know you were...” She stopped, started again, fishing for the right words. “That he was...” But she couldn’t seem to finish her sentence.

  “We weren’t. Not like Myrtle and her husband. But we liked to play games. Sometimes Gideon was in charge. Sometimes I was in charge. It depended on what kind of mood we were in, and sometimes, on who needed what.”

  Bella blushed at Alice’s matter-of-fact words, but the thought intrigued her. She’d had several vivid dreams this past week where Marcus was the one calling the shots. He’d had her restrained the way she’d imagined restraining Marcus, and she’d woken up wet and wanting, not freaked out and turned off.

  Even so, Bella sighed. “I think he’s more afraid of trusting someone again. I know how that goes. And if he can’t do that, then the rest doesn’t matter, does it?”

  “Very true, dear.”
Alice leaned forward and gave her a quick hug. “But I have a feeling that Marcus is worth fighting for.”

  She got up and headed toward the beverage table, leaving Bella alone with a whole host of new thoughts bouncing around her head.

  * * *

  Marcus stood at attention in front of his captain’s desk, his stomach a mess. Between the hurried late lunch, scarfed down between two calls, his frustration over how he’d handled things with Bella, and this unexpected call to his boss’s office, he was nursing a serious case of agita. His brain wasn’t in any better shape. What the hell had he done now?

  Captain Morales didn’t keep him waiting long. “At ease, Aiello.”

  Yeah. Like he could relax. “Yes, sir.”

  The captain leaned back in his chair and locked shrewd eyes on him. “Things going okay for you these days?”

  He didn’t ask the specific question, but Marcus knew exactly what he meant. Crazy ex-fiancée under control? Life not intruding on work? “Yes, sir.”

  “Good.” He paused and leaned forward, elbows on his desk. “There’s a job for a Fire Med that’ll be opening up soon, and I know it’s something you’ve wanted for a while.”

  Marcus’s heart skipped a beat. Jesus, that was his ideal job. He’d trained as a firefighter first, paramedic second. But the county only had a few positions as Fire Meds, so he’d had to decide which he wanted to do, at least in the short term. He loved his work as a paramedic, but he missed working fire scenes, too. As a Fire Med, he’d get to do both, whichever skill was required at the time. “What station, sir?”

  “Ours, or Station Three. The county is funding one Fire Med per area. The job’s yours if you want it.”

  His gut loosened for the first time since he’d been called to the captain’s office. “Yes, sir.” He couldn’t hold back his grin.