For Better or For Worse

by Desirae Williams

  Grant

  “Right there hit... c’mon kick, kick.” Frank yelled at the 60’inch TV. As a last minute invite over to his house, Frank and I watched the MMA fight that was playing on PPV. It was not as if I hadn’t come over to Frank’s house before to hang out, but not every day for the past week. I think I was starting to tip him off that there were problems at home. “Look at this guy, he is whooping his ass. Get him.” He screamed at the television. Frank Carnac and I were on the same welding team, and surprisingly we turned out to be very good friends. He was very slim man, pale skinned with jet black hair and eyes to match, he was a little messy but he always meant well. I chuckled at his enthusiasm. “Man you really into this stuff huh?”

  He looked at me and smirked. “Like you’re not… So, you ready to talk yet?” I pretended like I didn’t know what he was referring to and sipped on my beer. “Bout what?” He laughed at my obvious denial. “You know what... whatever problem you and Lucy are having?” I shook my head. “My wife and I are cool.” Ok I lied, but I don’t have to tell him everything, as far as he was concerned Lucy and I were fine and everything was great…even if it was not true. Frank sat his beer on the table next to the couch.

  “So cool you’re spending you Saturday night with me instead of her…”He chuckled. “Either you two are having some issues or you are secretly harboring some desires for me. Now which one is it?” I titled my head back and took a breath, fighting to hold in all my problems but after the third beer it became harder to contain my emotions. “I asked Lucy what she thought about us possibly having kids right now. I told her I was ready.” “She didn’t feel the same way?” He inquired. I gave him a look that said if she did do you think I would be here. “No…she wants to focus on her career.” I huffed. He nodded like everything was cool. “Understandable.” I looked at him offended. “What? You agree.” He saw my reaction and tried to explain. “Grant you were a mechanic before right?” “Yeah…So?” “So why did you decide to become a welder?” I thought about his question. “Because the pay was better…I needed something different…I wanted more for myself.” Frank took another sip of his beer again before speaking.

  “And so does she. I know Lucy is an assistant editor and all but she’s trying to make it to the top, she’s trying to accomplish her dreams, and that’s a hard thing to do with children. Trust me I know.” I rolled my eyes at the fact that yet another person was missing the point I was trying to make. “And how long is that going to take Frank? Huh? That could be years before she makes it to editor. By the time she would be thinking about kids and shit, she’ll be as old as Harriet Tubman.” Frank laughed to the point that beer shot out of his nose. “And frankly how many times do we see women so obsessed with their careers that that they lose sight of everything else. I know how hard she has worked, It’s not like I don’t want to see her do good, but I also don’t want her to lose sight of what is important like our marriage…a family.”

  Frank couldn’t argue with that, he leaned over at patted me on the shoulder. “Well man it’s a two sided coin, have you tried talking to her about it?” I turned my head and looked at the wall. I didn’t want to talk to her about it; I’m tired of hearing her excuses as to why she doesn’t want my baby. I figured if she was unwillingly to budge I was done talking about it. “Look Grant, a closed mouth can’t say anything. You need to talk to her and tell her how you feel. Maybe you guys can come to a mutual understanding…and if not keep hope alive” He continued to chuckle as the fight came to a close. I shook my head and watched on; I didn’t feel like talking to her... not now.

  Chapter 3

  Compromise or Control

  Lucy

  Talking was the last thing Grant and I did. He started coming up with any and every excuse not to be home and when he was home he avoided the baby topic altogether. By Friday I had enough of the elephant in the kitchen, the living room and especially the bedroom. I didn’t see the point in having a kid not when I got his ass, giving me attitude like a twelve year old girl. I don’t have to put up with this, I thought to myself. And I’m no longer going to. Grant was going to talk to me whether he liked it or not. I paced the living room floor waiting for him to come home and I watched the grandfather clock in the corner of the room. As Five o clock turned into eight o clock and eight o clock turned into midnight that turned into me falling asleep on the couch dreaming of knocking Grant the hell out as soon as he came home.

  I couldn’t believe the nerve of this man to not come home at a decent hour and didn’t even bother to call to say he was going to be late, was he trying to scare the living hell out of me? By half past two in the morning I heard the click clacking of keys in the door. I slowly rose to my feet when I realized it was Grant, my relief and gratefulness soon turned into anger and frustration. “Well were the hell have you been?” I yelled at him and stared coldly. He seemed taken back by my anger and slowly came forward. “Relax, I was at Frank’s house.” “Until two in the morning, do I have dummy written on my forehead?” I eyed him closely; looking for certain clues to any suspicious activity… can never be too sure. He rolled his eyes, slowly eased off his sports jacket and threw it on the couch.

  “Look, I went over there to watch the fight; the main event didn’t get started until around midnight. Why are you tripping? Not like I haven’t done this before.” I was in disbelief. “Yeah and you have also called home before what happened with that? I mean damn Grant the fact that you can walk up in here this late like everything is chill is baffling to me.” Grant took a deep breath as if I were annoying him and walked upstairs. “Whatever.” He slithered out. Oh I know he didn’t just whatever me like I was of no importance. You better believe I was pissed now. I followed him up the stairs. “Excuse me I’m talking to you.” He kept walking ignoring me. “Grant, Stop!” I screamed.

  He came to a halt in the middle of the hallway. I tried to calm myself down and resist the urge to slap him upside the head. “So is this what you’re going to do now? Stay out all night and act like some little ass child, throwing a temper tantrum because I won’t give you what you want.” He stopped at the top of the stairs and looked at me disgusted. “Don’t talk to me like that.” He headed for our bedroom door but I jumped in front of him. “We need to talk.” Grant moved me out of the way and burst into our bedroom. “You want to talk. Talk about what? Your mind is clearly made up…there aint nothing to talk about.” I watched him open and slam the drawers of our dresser for his night wear. “You’re not even going to listen to me are you?” I pleaded with him. He stopped what he was doing and looked at me.

  “Ok Luce talk to me, give another reason why you don’t want a family with me, does that not fit into your weekly calendar? Am I conflicting with some business function of yours? No wait, I get it having a baby is not in style this season.” You son of a bitch, I thought. You don’t even care how I feel about this. I sat on the bed getting very wearisome of the back and forth between me and him. “So it doesn’t matter how I feel about it huh? It’s just your way and that’s it. Now is that compromise or control?” Grant looked at me in shock as if I were speaking in a different language. “So let me get this straight. I’m being controlling because I want to have child with you and you’re chasing a career objective.” “No your being controlling because your trying to make the decision alone.” I shook my head in frustration, we were just going around in circles, and nothing was getting resolved.

  “Grant you stopped at nothing until you had a solid position in your career, you refused to partake in any form of commitment to anything, not even to me, until you made it to where you wanted to be. Now why can’t I do the same?” Grant stood in the middle of the bathroom doorway and gave me that look, that look that said espn is on and I’m done talking about this. He then shrugged and threw his hands up. “Well do what you want to do then.” Here we go again, I thought. I was so mad I wanted to explode in anger.

  “Stop it, stop cutting me off, stop dismissing me just because
I’m not telling you want you want to hear…This is ridiculous.”

  “No what’s ridiculous is that at the age of twenty eight you are still a spoiled little girl who has to have everything your way... So what am I here for uh? You want me to hold your purse, kiss your ass and tell you whatever you say goes? Well I’m not that…”

  “I’m scared.” I said cutting him off.

  I had been holding that in for so long it felt as if I were as suffocating. There it was my truth laid out there for him to see. “Are you happy now? …I’m scared.” He looked at me puzzled and moved closer to the bed where I was sitting. “What are you scared of?” I looked at him through sad eyes not wanting to tell him how I have been feeling about having children but decided to trust him anyway. “I don’t know everything. I’m getting weighed down at work, were arguing like crazy, add a baby to all this confusion I fear I may lose my mind.” He sat beside me on the bed. “I can’t do all of this by myself Grant, there is no way.” Grant shook his head. “Baby do think I’m just going to pack up and leave you hanging with all this.” I frankly didn’t see why not, everything was cool when my mother and father were together. They both had big plans but that fell to the waste side when my mother had gotten pregnant.

  When Things got too tough she walked out and never looked back and somewhere inside me I feared Grant may do the same…or possibly me. He pulled me into his arms, “Woman unless the good Lord says otherwise I’m not going anywhere. I would never leave you, you hear me? You’re supposed to come to me with any and everything I’m your man…Matter of fact I’m more than your man I’m your husband, lean on me.” I wanted to believe it, in everything he was saying. Take those words and wrap them around me but fear still lingered in my heart. “You know kids have never been my strong point.” I told him. It was Sad but true, children tended to need so much and I was willing to give so little. “I’m sure we can deal. Two heads are always better than one right?”

  I smiled at his self-assurance. Grant always had so much confidence in himself and me. “Yeah baby, I’m sure we will be great parents one day.” He smiled. I leaned in and kissed him on the lips. “Well there’s no time like the present huh?” He looked at me with that silly expression he always wore when he was excited. “Looks like I need to go to the bookstore and buy Parenting for Dummies.” I burst into laughter. “You better, we are going to need all the help we can get.” I brought that delicious mouth of his to mine. “Hey.” I whispered to him. “I got something I want to tell you before we do this.” “I know I love you too.” He said kissing me again. “No, I don’t do dirty diapers.” “Oh.” He chuckled. “Thanks for the heads up.”

  Blurt…..Well there goes lunch. I grabbed some tissue and wiped vomit off of my mouth before flushing the toilet. It was mid-august and I was already two months pregnant and morning sickness was a bitch. For the most part, I was actually pretty calm when I started noticing changes in my body. Grant made me take like five different test just to be sure we were expecting, which wasn’t a problem since I had been peeing like a horse day and night. Of course Grant was ecstatic, he nearly cried when the doctor gave us the first sonogram. I was happy he was so excited about the pregnancy. He had already been working on the nursery and I wasn’t even in my third trimester.

  “You ok in there?” Megan asked knocking on the bathroom stall. “I’ll be out in a minute.” I barely stood up before rushing back down to the toilet and puking again. I tried to pull myself together. “Damn this kid is kicking my”…blurt. Megan laughed “Yeah I can tell. How far along are you again?” I exhaled “About two months now.” I was still shocked how I got pregnant so fast; I figured Grant had some super swimmers or I was just too damn fertile.

  I made it out of the bathroom stall to the sink. Seeing Megan’s face was like a breath of fresh air, sometimes I thought she made going to work easier to deal with… even a joy. “Well good thing you’re still early, you won’t miss the upcoming events…But how much time do you plan on taking off?” She inquired. I took some facial powder out of my new Chanel purse. “I don’t.” Megan jumped back like she saw I bomb in my bag and was ready to alert security. “You mean you’re going to work all through your pregnancy?” I laughed at her scared face. “Of course I can’t physically be here but I have worked a few things out with the magazine. I can still get a lot done from home.” Megan still looked concerned. “You don’t think you’re putting too much stress on you or the baby?” I fixed my hair in the mirror and thought about what she had said. “Well it’s not like I’m doing anything physical….Everything will be ok.” I knew Megan was still worried but she eased up. I knew what I was doing, and although I’m expecting a few fights with my husband over my workload I am not backing off. Things are going to go exactly as planned where everyone can get what they want….Especially me.

  Chapter 4

  Here comes baby

  Grant

  I couldn’t believe how excited I was about the pregnancy. I went all the way for Lucy and the baby. It didn’t matter what she needed me to do I was there with bells and whistles on ready to go. Late night runs for pigs feet and pickles at the local grocery store… I was there. Vacuuming, moping, and laundry… occasionally I achieved these tasks. Even vomit detail, which happened regularly, was all taken care of. Mostly I just wanted to be there…for her….for it…just being attentive to their needs. Whether it was holding them at night while watching The Color Purple or rubbing her feet throughout the day while she looked at baby names for our baby…She suggested Franklin if it’s a boy and I suggested she name the dog that cause it will not be going on my son’s birth certificate. All the while, Time with them was time well spent that I enjoyed. I even found myself helping out in birthing class…Well I spent most of the time asking the doctor a million questions. “So if the baby comes out of there will it stretch-out the entire…” “Grant!” Lucy screamed. Ok maybe I was too attentive, but this was my first child, my first start of a family and I was happy, all of us were. I wanted better for my child, to give it something I never even dreamed I would have had.

  ***

  Grant/1996

  “Alright boy hand me that wrench.” My uncle hollered. I had been working in my uncle’s shop since I was thirteen, bout the time I started running the streets, he figured if I had a study job and check coming in I’ll stay out of trouble… more specifically the penitentiary. “Uncle Day, when Mac say he’ll be back for the car?” I asked while hooking up the engine. My uncle’s name was Timothy Hutchinson, but everybody called him day because he was so light skin like the sun. He was the only child on my mother’s side that was fair, so people suspected he had a different dad, but there were so many scandals going on back then aint no telling. “I don’t know boy later on this week probably.”

  Uncle Day was my mother’s oldest brother. He took me in when he saw that my parents had fallen into a real bad drug habit which eventually killed them in later years. He and my aunt were the only parental figures I had ever known since then, but he was getting old in age but still carried on as if he were still young. Running a full time shop like this was no joke. I wiped sweat from my forehead and took a swig of water due to the heat. “So boy, you been thinking bout what I told you?” Uncle Day asked out of the blue. Knowing exactly what he was talking about I nodded lying. “Yeah I have been thinking bout it. I just don’t think it’s for me.” My uncle shook his head, “So what you trying to do spend the rest of life here working in the shop?” “Yeah, what’s wrong with that? We make a good living and I could take over and start running things when you don’t want to no more. I’ll keep the family business going?” My uncle stopped working on the car and stared at me seriously. “Son I want more for you than some hood car shop with damages everywhere and debt building up like crazy.”

  He said piecing me with his eyes. “You got a smart head on your shoulders. You gonna have to start using it.” I looked out of the shop into the city; all I could see was busted glass in the street, d
ope dealers on the corners and no positive future insight. Wasn’t anything out here for me, nothing that could lead me anywhere. “I’m serious Grant, we may not be doing badly but there’s nothing wrong with wanting more.” My focus changed as I saw Lucy appear in the door way. “Bad time?” she asked. I watched her strut in a pink fitted blouse and white shorts, I felt like a scrub in this mechanic uniform but seeing her made me forget all about that. I shook my head. “Nope. Matter of fact I was just getting off.”

  My uncle smiled at my excitement to see Lucy. “How you doing there girl?” He asked her. She came in and greeted him. “Oh I’m just fine, you?” “Half dead but I’m still pushing.” Uncle Day laughed using the same expression he always has. “Alright uncle I’m gonna be out.” I told him gathering a rag to wash up with. He nodded. “That’s fine just don’t come back with no babies though.” Another expression he liked to use. I shook my head., “Ignore him let me get cleaned up and I’ll meet you at the car.” She nodded. “Bye uncle day.” “Bye sweetie….yep that girl going places hopefully she will take your block head with her.” He said with a smile. I nodded. “Hopefully.”

  Lucy and I made our way downtown to a little burger joint and then I took her to a nearby lake where I liked to go to and clear my head. It was a very secluded area with a lot of trees and a great view of the outdoors. Being there always seemed to help me relax. We got into some heavy kissing, touching, and feeling… but no sex. Surprisingly I was cool with that mainly because we would find things to talk about. I could tell her things that I never told any woman before or anybody else for that matter. I could taste that cherry lip gloss she had on, I guess that’s what kept me going, I obviously wasn’t into kissing her like normal. Usually she would have to beat me off with a bat by now. She picked up on my unusual behavior and pulled my mouth away from hers.