Many Adventures of Eaglethorpe Buxton

by Allison, Wesley

  (Knights’ Girls step forward to deliver their lines as a chorus.)

  Knights’ Girls:

  We are the girls who follow the knights,

  We hear all their adventures and watch all their fights,

  The are dreamy, all dressed in their shiny steel armor,

  Just watching them makes our hearts feel much warmer.

  Sir Thomas is sweet, but stupid it’s true,

  Sir David is boring, but he’s handsome too,

  Sir Reginald touches every girl’s heart,

  The one we can’t stand is that Britomart.

  Where does she get off being a knight,

  For a girl to wear armor, it just isn’t right.

  (Exit Knights’ Girls)

  (Enter Sir Thomas and Sir David)

  David:

  Protecting the King is our primary duty. Protecting the King is what we became knights for.

  Thomas:

  Yup.

  David:

  Why, even if we were five minutes near death ourselves, we should Rise Up and protect the King.

  Thomas:

  Yup.

  David:

  Still, if a dragon were in the area, it would be duty as well to slay it.

  Thomas:

  Yup.

  David:

  Dragons are nasty fiends, you know. Have you studied them?

  Thomas:

  Nope.

  David: I made a comprehensive study of them with Sir Drake and the Weapons Academy. They are wily creatures—more frightening that the most horrible ogre— stronger than the greatest giant— smarter than most sages. They are the ultimate foe. And if I am ever so fortunate to see a dragon, I will quickly eliminate the wyrm.

  Thomas:

  Worm?

  David:

  Yes, all the great authorities refer to the beasts as wyrms. It is from the root word wyrd, in the ancient tongue of scholars.

  Thomas:

  Okay.

  (Enter Myolaena)

  Myolaena

  (Aside) Here you see two foolish knights who think their swords keep this nation state strong. If they were to meet a real dragon, they would find themselves petrified. He wouldn’t need to lift a claw or a wing. He wouldn’t need to breath fire. His very aura could drive them away crying like babies, or compel them to do anything at all.

  The first is a great braggart and thinks he knows far more than he does. If I had a gold crown for each time he made a fool of himself, I should buy the kingdom. The other is such a dullard. He once locked himself in him own suit of armor.

  (Enter Sir Reginald)

  Reginald:

  Sir David!

  David:

  Hail Sir Reginald, knight of the Black Shield.

  Reginald:

  Don’t hail me! I come to challenge you! You accused me of having uncertain ancestry.

  David:

  Tut, tut, fellow. I merely said that you were not as noble in blood as I.

  Reginald:

  I can trace my ancestry back fourteen generations, to Tiberian the Black King!

  (Reginald attacks. They fight back and forth across the stage.)

  David: Still, I can trace my ancestry back to the grandparents of Adam and Eve.

  (They fight more.)

  Reginald:

  Your mother was an orphan scullery maid, and your father was my father’s squire.

  David:

  Tut, tut, fellow. You mistake me for someone else.

  (They continue to fight. Reginald strikes a glancing blow. David falls.)

  Myolaena:

  (Aside) Oh, no. I cannot let this bragging oaf be killed. The king might find a captain of the guards who actually knows what is going on.

  (To Reginald) Pain.

  Reginald:

  Oh! I am slain! I go for a leach!

  (Exits)

  David:

  (Standing up) I am the victor!

  Myolaena:

  (Aside) He is a pin-head.

  David:

  My honor is vindicated!

  Myolaena:

  (Aside) His idiocy is proved. That other Spam in a can will be fine, but it will be some time before he decides to challenge Sir Full-of-himself to a duel again.

  (Exit Thomas and David. Enter Krabbi, Mack, and Bud. Myolaena steps to the side of the stage.)

  Mack:

  Fish for Sale. Fresh fish!

  Krabbi:

  Apples! Bushel a pence!

  (Enter Penny. She walks up to Mack and slaps him on the shoulder in a friendly way.)

  Penny:

  Hello, good fishmonger! (Steals Mack’s purse) It is a lovely day today.

  Mack:

  Hello friend. (Exits, unknowing.)

  Penny:

  (Opens up purse and takes out a coin) I’ll have one of your fine apples, vendor. Keep the change. (Steals Krabbi’s purse.)

  Krabbi:

  Thank you citizen. (Exits)

  (Enter David and Thomas)

  Penny:

  I do think I shall have a carnation for my lapel. Here you go good fellow. (Hands Bud a coin and steals his purse.)

  Thomas:

  What? Here! (Grabs Penny)

  David:

  What a piece of knavery we have here!

  Thomas:

  A thief.

  Bud:

  Why, she’s stolen my purse!

  David:

  (Searching Penny) Looks as though the thief has more than one.

  Bud:

  Why she’s stolen my two purses!

  David:

  Here you go, vendor. One. Two. It is lucky for you that we came along when we did.

  Bud:

  It certainly is. Very lucky indeed. (Exits, pleased)

  David:

  And one purse for His Majesty’s soldiers. (Pockets the other purse.)

  (Enter Justin and Beatrix)

  King:

  Sir David? Sir Thomas? What have we here?

  David:

  My partner and I have uncovered an errant piece of knavery. Her we have a little thief.

  Thomas:

  Yup.

  King:

  Sorceress! Can we allow such crime to run rampant in our streets?

  Myolaena:

  (Shrugs)

  King:

  You must weave some magics to protect the honest folk.

  Myolaena:

  (Sighs) I do what I can, Majesty.

  (Aside) If I got rid of all the dishonest people, he’d have no guardsmen at all.

  King:

  Well, Sir David. You must carry out my orders and execute the sentence. For thievery in Illustria, we… What is it we do again?

  Queen:

  You must cut something off, Dear.

  King:

  Yes, I know that. But what? Is it the right hand or the left hand?

  Queen:

  Perhaps a foot, Dear.

  Penny:

  (Aside) I like this not!

  King:

  Foot! Foot! Perhaps in your father’s backward kingdom! Not here! Foot! Why ever did I wed such a dullard?

  David:

  To prevent recurrence of the crime, it should be the head, Majesty.

  King:

  Take her hence, and cut off… oh, cut off whatever you please. (Exits)

  Penny:

  (To the Queen) Majesty! Mercy, please!

  Queen:

  Of course, Dear. (To David) Make it a nice clean cut. And don’t leave a mess. (Exits)

  David:

  We hear our charge and will obey.

  Thomas:

  Yup.

  David:

  What shall we cut off?

  Penny:

  Please Sir Knight! Can’t we come to an understanding?

  David:

  Save your breath girl, for we are the King’s men.

  Myo:

  (Aside) They are the King’s fools, the King’s lapdogs, the King’s drips.

  Thomas:
>
  Yup.

  David:

  What shall we cut off? Her right hand?

  Thomas:

  Hair!

  David:

  Perhaps both legs?

  Thomas:

  Hair!

  David:

  I have always been partial to cutting off the nose. It spites the face, you know.

  Thomas:

  Hair!

  Myolaena:

  (Aside) He’s not the sharpest sword in the armory, is he?

  David:

  We shall split the difference, partner. Off with her head.

  Thomas:

  Okay.

  Myolaena:

  (Waving hands) Time stop. (David, Thomas, and Penny freeze.) Perhaps here we have a tool for my design, a cog for my wheel, a fly for my web. Thank heavens for metaphor!

  (Myolaena snaps her fingers and Penny unfreezes.)

  Penny:

  Who are you?

  Myolaena:

  I am your savior. I am your friend. I will deliver you from certain death.

  Penny:

  Thank you, Mistress.

  Myolaena:

  In exchange, you will do a thing for me.

  Penny:

  What can I do? Steal something?

  Myolaena:

  Perhaps you can do just that. I have brewed this potion. One drop will bring forth the greatest amore— love, devotion, and kind affection. With it, you will steal the King’s heart for me. You will sneak into the castle and pour this dram upon the King’s head as he sleeps. He will fall horribly in love with the first woman he sees wearing a golden locket, as indeed I will be wearing.

  Penny:

  I know not what I should do,

  But one thing’s sure, I am through,

  No matter which way that I turn,

  My lot’s beheading or a slow burn.

  To turn on the King is treason, true,

  But you don’t know HER, like I do,

  There’s nothing worse than magic ladies,

  Not scary giants, not burning Hades.

  What a fix my deeds have wrought,

  Oh what a prize my sins have bought,

  I sought with guile to fetch my bread,

  So they want to part me from my head.

  Oh wretched me, a pretty child,

  Whose way went out a little wild,

  I can’t escape to foreign lands,

  So I do as she commands.

  I will do as you instruct. (Exits)

  Myolaena:

  And when you poor this liquid on the King, he will have you killed. And I will have no witnesses to my designs, and nothing these buffoons could ever uncover.

  (Myolaena exits. David and Thomas unfreeze.)

  Thomas:

  What?

  David:

  I was just saying that I have a mind to go find a dragon and kill it.

  (Enter Priss)

  Priss:

  Did I hear someone mention dragonslaying?

  David:

  Yes, citizen.

  Priss:

  Aren’t you afraid? Dragons are over two hundred feet long. They can fly. They can breath fire and cast magic spells. They can shoot beams of energy from their eyes.

  David:

  I can see that you know much of dragons, friend. What is your name?

  Priss:

  Prissus Draco Noventus Augustus, but my friends all call me Priss.

  David:

  Well, Priss. Did you know dragons can use magic to take on human form?

  Priss:

  (Incredulous) Really? Then how can you tell they are dragons?

  David:

  It’s not easy. They have coppery complexions, not unlike yourself. But unlike you Priss, they have very long names.

  Priss:

  I see. Are they dangerous in human form?

  David:

  Quite. And they walk among the cities to study men so that they may trick them. But we are way too smart to be fooled by a dragon.

  Thomas:

  Yup.

  Priss:

  Oh, I can see that. Would you mind if I tagged along to see the dragon?

  David:

  Sure! Come along! (Exit David and Priss)

  (Enter Knights’ Girls who step forward and deliver their lines as a chorus.)

  Knights’ Girls:

  They hunt for a dragon, and we say OH MY!

  Some fellow among them might possibly die,

  Dragons are scary and can make one dead,

  Then there’d be one less bachelor to wed.

  Nothing good comes from hunting dragons,

  These boys should stick to baseball and red wagons.

  (Exit Knights’ Girls. Enter Britomart, who confronts Sir Thomas.)

  Britomart:

  Halt Knight!

  Thomas:

  Okay.

  Britomart:

  I am Britomart, Lady Knight. I am cursed to challenge all the knights in Celestria until I am defeated.

  Thomas:

  Okay. (They fight)

  Britomart:

  Alas, you are doomed, Knight. You see I am destined to slay every foe I face until I meet the simplest man in the realm. (They continue to fight.)

  Thomas:

  Okay. (He strikes and she falls.) Goodbye. (Thomas exits.)

  Britomart:

  But Wait!

  (Steps forward and speaks to the sky.)

  Oh, great guardians above,

  Can this thing I feel be love,

  I’ve been defeated by his sword,

  But his face has struck a chord,

  Of love within this sad, sad breast,

  I now of men have found the best!

  (Exit Britomart)

  (Enter the Queen)

  Queen:

  Alas! Why is it that I was not married to a man who could love me? I have been a dutiful daughter and a dutiful wife. I have born two strong young Princes to be heirs to my husband. All I desire in life is love, and love is the one thing I do not have.

  (Folds her hands in prayer)

  I ask the sky and stars above,

  Why is it I cannot have love,

  Though many years we two are wed,

  He does not care if I am dead,

  A cold and wintery life is this,

  If never falls a wedded bliss,

  If he shall never know love true,

  Then I forever shall be blue.

  (Enter Phoebe)

  Phoebe:

  Your Majesty. Your royal father has sent you a gift.

  Queen:

  What is it?

  Phoebe:

  This royal locket. It was forged high in the mountains by the cloud giants for Queen Nepsis of the Antediluvians. Now it is yours.

  Queen:

  It is very beautiful. Pity it cannot bring me love.

  Phoebe: