Many Adventures of Eaglethorpe Buxton
Page 33
Take heart, Majesty. Love will come for you someday. You will get what you deserve. Everyone does.
Queen:
You always know what to say, Phoebe. (Exit Queen)
Phoebe:
It is my duty and my charge, Your Majesty, to always say the right thing. Even when there is no right thing to say, I still say it. And who appreciates it? Only the Queen. No one else. (Exit Phoebe)
(Enter the King)
King:
I am tired of ruling. Perhaps I should give the city over to a regent and go upon a crusade against the goblins or the Eskimos.
(More Poetry)
The crown lies heavy on the head,
And chases sleep from out my bed,
The people, nobles— beggars too,
All count on me. You know it’s true,
And who have I to count upon?
None but those who grovel and faun,
On Myo’s arm I sometimes lean,
Though she has prove she’s quite mean,
For the Prince’s help I would be pleased,
But his tutors say he’s RPCed,
So I’m alone and feeling weary,
I order all eyes to be teary!
(The king lies down to sleep. Enter Penny, sneaking. She pours a potion on the king’s head.)
King:
(Waking) What is this? An assassin! (Grabs Penny) Guards!
Penny:
Alas, I am always being grabbed.
King:
You shall squeal.
Penny:
Like a stuck pig, Your Majesty.
King:
You will spill the beans.
Penny:
Like a rotten gunny-sack, Your Majesty.
King:
You will tell me your master’s name.
Penny:
Like a scared school girl!
(Enter the Queen, wearing the locket and Phoebe)
King:
(Seeing the Queen) Oh sweet angel. Oh blessed thing! Oh object of my desires! Where did you come from?
Queen:
Well, I’ve been here all the time.
King:
Was I so blind that I could not see such a goddess, such a creation, such a vision?
Queen:
Yes. Yes you were.
King:
Come with me. We will never be apart again.
(Exit King and Queen)
Phoebe: I must confess that I know not what to say. (To Penny) You had best come with me.
Penny:
Yes.
(Exit Phoebe and Penny. Enter Myolaena.)
Myolaena:
Here’s one of my pretty plots brought to ruin by wretched chance. Fear not. I have others. (Exits)
(Enter Waiting Women, who step forward and deliver their lines as a chorus.)
Waiting Women:
Our dreams have been answered: Hooray for the Queen,
We’re happier now than we’ve ever been,
No more will we have to mop up her tears,
We shall sit and enjoy her laughter for years.
The timing is perfect for this to come ‘bout,
The Prince is grown up and about to move out,
We are so happy for the Queen we do love,
And wish that all the world might find love.
Unfortunately we’re all mired in such bogs,
Life would be better if men weren’t such dogs.
(Enter David, Thomas, and Priss)
Priss:
Well, we’ve searched every cave and cavern in the countryside.
David:
I don’t understand why the dragon wasn’t there.
Priss:
Perhaps he flew south for the winter.
David:
Sir Drake never mentioned anything about that at the academy.
Priss:
Perhaps the dragon heard you were coming and was frightened away.
David:
That’s probably it! And what dragon wouldn’t be frightened to see us coming?
Priss:
(Steps forward to address the audience with his poem.)
Oh what fools these humans be,
And they have yet to watch TV,
I’ll bet you gold coins to tomatoes,
They turn into old couch potatoes,
They dance like puppets on little strings,
When I feel the need to stretch my wings,
And when I feel the need to play,
Like tennis balls they mark the day,
There is one fair human maid,
In quest of whom some plans I’ve laid,
And she may soon be quite dismayed,
And that…
David:
(Steps forward and interrupts Priss with his own poem.)
The gods above have shined on me,
And shed their tears for they can see,
That among them, none’s my match,
And for women, I’m a catch.
I have the sharpest rapier wit,
Of knowledge, I have every bit,
Of beauty, there can be none better,
All women love but none can fetter,
I must be free to roam and venture,
Till I am old, and… um… and need a denture.
(Enter Myolaena)
Myolaena:
I would be happy. I would be merry. If they’d burn the rhyming dictionary!
Thomas:
What? Ho!
David:
Stop Sorceress! The king has ordered your arrest.
Myolaena:
Arrest me? How can a fuzzy kitten arrest me? You are a fuzzy kitten! (Waves her hands to cast a spell, but nothing happens.) What’s wrong? You are a fuzzy kitten!
David:
It’s no use Sorceress. My friend Priss has given me a charm to protect me from your spells.
(Enter the King)
King:
You have conspired against me, Myolaena. You must be punished.
Myolaena:
You can’t do anything to me. You need me. Who will protect you from the hordes of goblins and monsters? Who will enchant your armor, breed your winged horses, or transport your armies through the ether? You need me.
King:
Quite right, and besides the results of your plots have rendered me a certain service, in providing me with the most delightful creation of womanhood.
(Enter the Queen. She takes the King’s hand.)
King:
But you must be kept in check. I have decided you must be married. Your husband will become the object of your plots, and save the rest of us much trouble. You shall marry Sir David!
David:
Sire! I like this not!
Myolaena:
No! I’ll not be given over to that braggart. I’d turn myself into a toad first. I would rather marry that great fool, Sir Frontal Lobotomy (gestures at Thomas).
King:
Very well. Marry Sir Thomas.
Thomas:
Okay.
(Enter Britomart)
Britomart:
Hold! I claim this man by right of his conquest. No man has ever made me feel the way that he has.
Myolaena:
Supreme. Another melon-head heard from.
Britomart:
Can you imagine going through life with the thought that there may be no one for you to love? Can you imagine living such a terrible life?
Queen:
I understand your pain, Lady Knight.
Myolaena:
Oh, can we just get on with this?
King:
Very well. Sir Thomas will marry the lady warrior.
Thomas:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a wife now,
Yup.
King:
We will have to find another husband for you, Sorceress.
Priss:
If it please your Majesty, I will have the wench.
King:
&
nbsp; Fine. The wedding will be on the morrow. (Exit King, Queen, Knights)
Priss:
Come now my wife to be. I will show you whom your husband really is.
Myolaena:
I cannot marry just anyone. My husband must be of noble ancestry.
Priss:
My dear. I can trace my family back to the dinosaurs.
Myolaena:
What is it about you that I find strangely compelling? It’s as if I can refuse you nothing.
Priss:
Oh, how I have wanted you. I’ve laid plots and cast spells to bring all this about. I will show you arcane mysteries that you can only imagine.
Myolaena:
Oooh, keep talking that way.
The End.
Appendix II: Wherein I present my reviews.
Praise for Eaglethorpe Buxton and the Elven Princess
Eaglethorpe Buxton is a fool and a hack. You couldn’t find a writer with less wit and style.
- Dextius Winterborn, Story-teller’s Guild
Without a doubt, the biggest liar that ever walked the world.
-Sir Roderick Brairn, Adventurer
That boy will never amount to anything! You mark my words, he was born to hang!
-Margram Buxton, Father
Who? I don’t believe I’ve ever heard of him. Yes. No, I haven’t.
-Queen Elleena of Aerithraine
Praise for Eaglethorpe Buxton and the Sorceress
Haven’t read it. Won’t read it. End of Story. And I don’t think anyone else should read it.
- Dextius Winterborn, Story-teller’s Guild
You can’t believe a darn word that boy says! He was born to hang, I tell ya!
- Margram Buxton, Father
What is it exactly? Is it some kind of story book? No. No, I don’t want any.
-Queen Elleena of Aerithraine
He’s dead!
Myolaena Maetar, Sorceress
Praise for Eaglethorpe Buxton and the Queen of Aerithraine
I don’t know where he came up with this story. There hasn’t been a zombie sighting in the city for weeks.
-Sir Roderick Brairn, Adventurer
Eaglethorpe is the nicest guy in the world. Stupid, but nice.
-Tuki Buxton, cousin.
Eaglethorpe Buxton is wanted on 62 counts of arson, 2 counts of indecent exposure, and 1 count of treason. He is a noted con-man who can’t be trusted.
- Sir Lance Power, City Guard
Is that the fellow with monkey? No? Then I don’t know who he is.
-Queen Elleena of Aerithraine
Praise for Eaglthorpe Buxton and the Amazons
Eaglethorpe is a wonderful story teller and a good and forthright friend, wait... he said what?
- Percival Thorndyke, Onion Farmer
I like that story—the one with the Amazons and such. I don’t believe it but I like it.
- Sally Windylow AKA Rupert Windylow
T’would be better I had no son at all.
-Margram Buxton, Father
Lord Dewberry! What is the meaning of this! I shall have your head!
- Queen Elleena of Aerithraine.
Praise for Eaglethorpe Buxton and the Day of the Night of the Werewolf
It’s confusing, stupid, and doesn’t make any sense. He uses the same phrases over and over again.
- Dextius Winterborn, Story-teller’s Guild
This story is filled with clever wordplay and is thoroughly enjoyable. It will keep you guessing and you will weep when it is over.
- Eaglethorn Beltbuckle, Innocent Bystander
It’s honestly the finest story in the world. It makes Shakespeare’s best look like a steaming pile of dog poop.
- Eagleskin Turnbuckle, Totally Unrelated
I wouldn’t say this to his face, but I love him. I love him with a burning fire deep in my heart and spreading to my loins.
-Ellwood Cyrene, Manly Adventurer
Books by Wesley Allison
Look for them wherever fine ebooks are sold. Select titles are also available in traditional paper formats at the City of Amathar Blog and by special order from your favorite bookseller.
Princess of Amathar
Transported to the artificial world of Ecos, Earth man Alexander Ashton struggles to understand the society of his new friends the Amatharians. As he does so, he finds himself falling in love with their princess and being thrust into a millennium-long war with their mortal foes the reptilian Zoasians. Princess of Amathar is a sword-swinging novel of high adventure.
His Robot Girlfriend
Mike Smith's life was crap, living all alone, years after his wife had died and his children had grown up and moved away. Then he saw the commercial for the Daffodil. Far more than other robots, the Daffodil could become anything and everything he wanted it to be. Mike's life is about to change.
His Robot Wife
In His Robot Wife, the novella-length sequel to His Robot Girlfriend, it is the year 2037 and Mike has been married to his robot wife, Patience, for five years. Troubles are on the horizon though. Prop 22 promises to annul marriages between humans and robots. And Patience hasn’t quite been herself. Is there something wrong, or does she just need a software upgrade?
Senta and the Steel Dragon Book 0: Brechalon
Brechalon is the novella-length prequel to The Voyage of the Minotaur and the books which follow in the story of Senta and the Steel Dragon. Meet the people who will change a world-- the Dechantagnes, wealthy siblings from a disgraced aristocratic family who plot their revenge; the imprisoned sorceress Zurfina; and Senta, the orphan girl who will one day rise to great fame and power.
Senta and the Steel Dragon Book 1: The Voyage of the Minotaur
In a world of steam power and rifles, where magic has not yet been forgotten, an expedition sets out to establish a colony in a lost world. The Voyage of the Minotaur is a story of adventure and magic, religion and prejudice, steam engines and dinosaurs, angels and lizardmen, machine guns and wizards, sorceresses, bustles and corsets, steam-powered computers, hot air balloons, and dragons.
Senta and the Steel Dragon Book 2: The Dark and Forbidding Land
Two years have passed since Senta, the sorceress Zurfina, and Bessemer the steel dragon arrived in the strange land of Birmisia. Now it is up to the settlers to build a home in this dark and forbidding land, ruled by terrifying dinosaurs and strange lizardmen. Ten year old Senta must discover which is the greater threat, a would-be wizard or the ever-increasing presence of the tyrannosaurus.
Senta and the Steel Dragon Book 3: The Drache Girl
More than three years have passed since the colonists arrived in Birmisia, and Port Dechantagne is a thriving colony, with the railway line almost complete. Twelve year old sorceress's apprentice Senta Bly, Police Constable Saba Colbshallow, and former maid Yuah Dechantagne must deal with wizards, prejudice, steam carriages, boys riding dinosaurs, and the mysterious activities of the lizardmen.
Senta and the Steel Dragon Book 4: The Young Sorceress
Everyone in Port Dechantagne seems to have an agenda of their own, from mysterious sorceress Zurfina, to agents from the enemy nation of Freedonia, to the kings and witchdoctors of the mysterious lizardmen. On the eve of her fifteenth birthday, sorceress’s apprentice Senta finds herself being pulled first one way and then the other. Will she actually have to split herself into four in order to deal with all her responsibilities?
Senta and the Steel Dragon Book 5: The Two Dragons
War has come the Birmisia. The newly settled colonists contemplate war on two fronts. The mysterious lizardmen from far away Tsahloose, led by their monstrous dragon god, threaten from the south. And from across the sea, the totalitarian kingdom of Freedonia threatens to invade their world with wizards and steam-powered war machines. Can even 17 year old Senta and her mistress Zurfina the Magnificent stop them? Find out in the thrilling conclusion to the Senta and the Steel Dragon Series.